The TV Zone

This clip is actually interesting - Lauren Conrad admitting that she faked the finale phone call from I-dare-not-speak-his-name-ever-again, who claimed it was real (as if anyone actually believed him anyway); "The View" actually released this this morning, so they think it's kind of interesting too...

Simple hard cold fact is - if she faked this, then how much other stuff on that ridiculous show did she fake? (And now she's got a novel about the behind-the-scenes of a reality show which is all fake, insofar as it's fiction...)

Oh brother.

Meanwhile, I've posted Monday's Speidi encounter with the View ladies - just to really help you waste the rest of your afternoon.

Continue reading "Lauren Conrad: Yeah, Faked. (Anyone Surprised?) " »

If you don't care to watch this Sunday's full-bore one-hour finale, "The Hills," you can instead watch the 45-second clip below. The headline is at the clip's conclusion. Someone walks into the most spectacular, most Speidi-ish wedding of all time, and gets dagger looks from members of the crowd - which includes Perez Hilton, who's sitting in the church too. Also, Lo...Brody...Audrina...about 85 others that I don't recognize...

Wondering what I'm talkin' 'bout?

Me too. In any event, that is Kristin Cavallari, newest/oldest star from the monster that spawned this monster - "Laguna Beach: The Real OC" in the clip from Sunday's finale, below. Is Talan somewhere in this crowd? How about Dieter? Jason? Jessica? Alex? And if not, why not? I guess Stephen or Jason won't be seated next to Lauren...

As you know, sanity or maybe a highly remunerative endorsement deal has convinced Lauren to walk after this Sunday's finale, which opens the door for Kristin who's had less-than-stellar post-"Real OC" career.

The clip...

Well, that was bad for me. Was it bad for you?

Honestly, there's a reason MTV is prepping sixteen new reality series ("From Gs to Gents!") After all, how many more episodes of "Parental Control" can anyone stomach? Or..."The Hills?"

There's also a reason - a very good one - why viewership has melted away for this once mega-now-mini cultural phenom, where conflations like "Speidi" or feuds like Lauren v. Heidi seemed to once matter in some ethereal air-headed sort of way.

MTV's genius - wrong word but the only one that comes to mind at the moment - lies in churning out the sausage so fast that one clunker is verily indistinguishable from the next clunker until a certain clunker actually feels like it's saying something about modern American life, or saying something that a few million teen girls would like it to be saying. Until they're sooo bored. Which now appears to be the case.

Was anyone moved by that con job last night? Speidi not really a matrimonial team but actually married in a fake wedding in Mexico, or - as I think Spence put it - they weren't really "legal" yet. I guess that'll come as a surprise to the 25 million couples in Mexico who had the bad luck to be married there. Not legal! Move to LA and make it real there!

That judge: Didn't she have anything better to do? The city of Los Angeles (or was it Vegas? They all seem the same...) is in flames. Bodies are piling up in the streets. Justice must be meted out. But there she is, waiting around for Speidi to waltz in and announce their love, only for them to tell her that - oh, neverMIND.

"Who are you?" the judge innocently asked. As if this world-famous couple/not-a-couple were just hanging around outside her chamber, and then they walk in and she decides: "Why not? Let's have a wedding."

Who are they, judge? Don't worry. In another year, no one else will know either.

Then, Spencer - whose heart magically grew several times, from peanut-sized to at least walnut-sized - announced that they'd better hold off, just to make mom happy.

Or that "reunion" with Heidi and Lauren. Lauren almost looked like someone who JUST COULDN'T FAKE IT ANYMORE. Heidi gamely played along, asking if she "works out."

"Works out?" Apparently Heidi hasn't been watching her own show. The only thing Lauren's been working out at is hating on Heidi.

The writers should've given Heidi something surreal to say - something so bizarre, so outlandish, so peculiar, so amusing, that even viewers would say: Maybe the poor dear is going insane?

Like: "I've been reading Kierkegaard, but honestly, Nietzsche is more to my taste. By the way, have you been working out?"

None of this matters. Nor does "The Hills." Whitney was smart to move on to "The City." I can hardly wait for that episode on Manolo Blahniks.

Grade: C -

One of the greatest pleasures of the spectacle that is called "The Hills" is watching the way we in the media cover it. For instance, was in BH recently, at John Edwards Hilton for the press tour, and the papers out there were filled with stories about the Audrina/Lo/Lauren manse, and how the neighborhood was up in arms over the racket, what with workmen and drunken boyfriends entering and leaving at all hours. My God, you'd think Martha Stewart had moved in. And then -- second-day story alert! -- there were more stories about whether the threesome were even living there. There's been endless stuff about Speidi, and now whether they're gonna treat the world to their spawn. Then, all that stuff about Lauren, and her couture -- real or fake? Of course, there's been endless white noise of the last couple seasons about the script, err, dialogue, too -- real or fake? (As if anyone could write this stuff.) On and on and on ...

So, in this spirit, let's treat last night as a major news event, with mini stories strewn throughout. There were about a half dozen major headlines, per my count, as well as rich potential storylines for producers. So, to help struggling entertainment editors around the country snorkeling around right now for the Next Big "Hills" Thing, here's my list:

"Heidi's Sister: Will She Move In?" Imagine! A threesome in one little apartment, with Spence sneering and dropping his pathetic little attempts of sarcasm like rabbit poop all over the place. (And then, Heidi, once again realizing what a complete sorry waste of space he is, kicks him out and lives full-time with Sis, Holly, who clearly knows how doomed this Speidi thing is.)

"Audrina and Lo: Showdown!" That end scene was sure something else again, wasn't it? Loaded with Chekhovian drama, where the whole meaning of human relationships lurks just beneath the turbulent surface. Why, Henry James couldn't have penned a more complex and splendidly subtle scene. Which is my my sarcastic Spencer way of saying -- for chrissakes, can't we just get a good catfight between these two? A real knockdown worthy of "The Bad Girls Club." Let's get DOWN girls. Give the neighbors something to really bitch about.

"Doug": Come on. Do we really think this is going to last -- Mister Perfect Doug, and Lauren. I mean, check it out. The writers gave him the driest, funniest line in "Hills" history -- a bon mot so well-turned that millions fell off their couches, or dropped their cell phones, or whatever, shaking with the giggles. "What have you been doing the last four years of your life?" he asks Lauren at the Red Pearl Kitchen. Oh, good one, Doug! Only problem -- he was dead serious. Either he's brain deceased or one of the canniest liars since Spence. I hope TMZ gets on this guy right away.

"Will Heidi and Lauren Patch Things Up?" I'm thinking - yes! Sure they will. My thought -- have Audrina move out, get together with Spence, who should be living on the street by midseason, and have Holly and Heidi move in. Audrina and Spence get together, begetting a new tabloid neologism -- "Spaudrina." And they DO have babies ...

Man, this is gonna be a great season.

(Nice photo for MTV by Jeff Lipsky, and yeah, it's really old -- from early season three or maybe even before -- but I like it, I like it...)

There really are some people who can't wait for the Aug. 18 fourth season premiere of "The Hills," and for you, the following preview may be old news. For everyone else, this may be fresh meat. MTV posted this preview recently (not sure when, but my guess is within the last few days.) Glean from these precious minutes, ye "Hills" fanatics, what becomes of the showdown at the house between Audrina, Lo, and Lauren. And, oh ye who hate Speidi with all your heart (that's pretty much everyone), check these two out as well.

At first, and like everyone else, when I heard the idea, I doubled up in agony, my very soul torn - nay, ripped - by the idea of such a monstrosity. Then, my stomach turned. Then, my head reeled. Then, I collapsed on the floor, writhing in nausea, wracked by a sense of futility, and plunging into a psychic - nay, existential - despair so deep and dark that I feared for my very sanity. (And still do.)

Anyway, this is kinda how I reacted when I first heard the idea of a Heidi/Spencer reality show. It would follow these two around after they got married - you know, to stores. It was sort of a "Nick & Jessica Meet Heidi & Spence and Go Shopping." It was first reported in early April by the Keith-Olbermann-loving "Page 6" crew.

I could see this show in my jaundiced mind's eye, as they went from Bottega Veneta, to David Orgell, to Dolce & Gabbana, to Louis Vuitton, to Ungaro, to Prada Epicenter, and finally ended up at Liz Lange Maternity.

Cut to tight head shot of Spencer, as he's thinking, "could baby make THREE?"

Why ponder this again? Because USA Today had the biggest story of the week so far yesterday, and wrote - contrary to popular opinion and all that is holy - that this SHOW IS ACTUALLY GONNA HAPPEN.

Here are outtakes, in case you missed this, as I did, until just a few minutes ago:

"This August, she and Pratt are headed to Africa to 'feed children and help build things,' [says Heidi.] Cameras will capture their trek, but not for 'The Hills.' Pratt says it's possible they could adopt a baby while over there, but Montag laughs that idea off.

"'Not right now,' she insists. 'I think we'd be married before we do that.'"

[Translation: They're not gonna spoil that money shot of Spencer reax at Liz Lange.]

Now, here's the rest.

"Montag and Pratt will wrap up their time on 'The Hills' after this season and launch their own MTV reality series along the lines of Newlyweds: Nick & Jessica — Montag's all-time favorite show.

"Any concern such constant camera presence could lead her and Pratt down the same doomed path as the since-divorced Lachey and Simpson?

"'I don't really feel that way,' she says. 'You're either going to make it as a couple or you're not. I love cameras, but the cameras aren't with us when we're falling asleep at night.'"

It's OK. I'm feeling much better now. Thanks for your concern. After I get off the phone with my shrink to get a re-fill, I'll get right over to my friends at MTV to ask the obvious questions.

"Hi everyone. It's me! And Heidi! We're getting married. And we're going to have our own TV show. And you're going to watch because you can't help yourself! And we don't care about cynics, and miserable critics - those sad lifeless creeps who can't afford even a toothpick at Dolce's. We're in love, and we're going to Africa and we're maybe going to adopt a baby and run into Brangelina. Cameras will follow us. We'll be even more famous. Did I say - we're in love? Well, we are." Picture: People Mag.