At first, and like everyone else, when I heard the idea, I doubled up in agony, my very soul torn - nay, ripped - by the idea of such a monstrosity. Then, my stomach turned. Then, my head reeled. Then, I collapsed on the floor, writhing in nausea, wracked by a sense of futility, and plunging into a psychic - nay, existential - despair so deep and dark that I feared for my very sanity. (And still do.)
Anyway, this is kinda how I reacted when I first heard the idea of a Heidi/Spencer reality show. It would follow these two around after they got married - you know, to stores. It was sort of a "Nick & Jessica Meet Heidi & Spence and Go Shopping." It was first reported in early April by the Keith-Olbermann-loving "Page 6" crew.
I could see this show in my jaundiced mind's eye, as they went from Bottega Veneta, to David Orgell, to Dolce & Gabbana, to Louis Vuitton, to Ungaro, to Prada Epicenter, and finally ended up at Liz Lange Maternity.
Cut to tight head shot of Spencer, as he's thinking, "could baby make THREE?"
Why ponder this again? Because USA Today had the biggest story of the week so far yesterday, and wrote - contrary to popular opinion and all that is holy - that this SHOW IS ACTUALLY GONNA HAPPEN.
Here are outtakes, in case you missed this, as I did, until just a few minutes ago:
"This August, she and Pratt are headed to Africa to 'feed children and help build things,' [says Heidi.] Cameras will capture their trek, but not for 'The Hills.' Pratt says it's possible they could adopt a baby while over there, but Montag laughs that idea off.
"'Not right now,' she insists. 'I think we'd be married before we do that.'"
[Translation: They're not gonna spoil that money shot of Spencer reax at Liz Lange.]
Now, here's the rest.
"Montag and Pratt will wrap up their time on 'The Hills' after this season and launch their own MTV reality series along the lines of Newlyweds: Nick & Jessica — Montag's all-time favorite show.
"Any concern such constant camera presence could lead her and Pratt down the same doomed path as the since-divorced Lachey and Simpson?
"'I don't really feel that way,' she says. 'You're either going to make it as a couple or you're not. I love cameras, but the cameras aren't with us when we're falling asleep at night.'"
It's OK. I'm feeling much better now. Thanks for your concern. After I get off the phone with my shrink to get a re-fill, I'll get right over to my friends at MTV to ask the obvious questions.
"Hi everyone. It's me! And Heidi! We're getting married. And we're going to have our own TV show. And you're going to watch because you can't help yourself! And we don't care about cynics, and miserable critics - those sad lifeless creeps who can't afford even a toothpick at Dolce's. We're in love, and we're going to Africa and we're maybe going to adopt a baby and run into Brangelina. Cameras will follow us. We'll be even more famous. Did I say - we're in love? Well, we are." Picture: People Mag.