The TV Zone

So, you're all sitting there wondering how the recently concluded writers strike is gonna be reflected on the TV screen over the next few weeks?

I can think of no better example than the one I am about to relay - ripped from the headlines, so to speak, and roaring (also so to speak) to a TV show near you in the not-too-distant future.

It involves "Law & Order" - TV's greatest headline larcenist - and its gifted veteran show-runner, Rene Balcer.

Here's the story. Early this year, during the dimmest days of the strike, Balcer was walking the picket lines outside the front gates of Fox studio lot when some moron in a shark-skin suit who was behind the wheel of an 8,000 SUV decided to teach Balcer a lesson - he ran into him. Not hard enough to do any damage, but hard enough to inflict the fear of God and SUVs into Balcer. The guy got out of the car, and a good old fashioned brawl ensued. Cameras - unfortunately - were not present, but in my imagination, Balcer decked the guy, strapped him to the roof of his SUV, and then put a large brick on the accelerator... Buh-bye shark-skin suit moron and SUV...

That last part actually didn't happen. I made it up. Sorry. But Balcer is going to exact cold revenge over the hit-and-run incident (another reason why it's never a good idea to pick a fight with someone who runs a major TV production...)

Rene told me last week that "I'm ripping from my own headline" by producing a strike episode that'll feature some "very obnoxious loudmouth picketer" who is killed while walking the picket lines...

The picketer's actually a legal aid who's on strike, and after all these legal aides go on strike, defense attorneys are dragooned into doing their work - so there's some very unhappy people all around, which means "motive."

Says Balcer, "one of the strikers gets run over, coincidentally - it never happens in real life [though.]"

He says he was inspired by David Letterman, who included Balcer in his monologue the night he got hit: "The day the thing happened, he mentioned in his monologue that a writer for 'Law & Order' got hit, and then said - 'you know what? It would be a terrific 'Law & Order.'"

Rene says he knows who the guy was - a lower-level suit - and he assured me: "It wasn't Peter Chernin."

I'm beyond speechless at the mainstream media's (MSM's) sudden interest in the Kids' Choice Awards (KCA's.) I mean, they give out blimps, and Jack Black, host, is even more satanic than usual, and there's green slime, and..

But there it is anyway: Massive post-Saturday coverage, and stories everywhere this morning, and so on. Have the KCAs - been around 20 years already - suddenly become IMPORTANT? I noted one commentator mentioning how important they were because it's another way of finding out what kids are going to be buying/tuning into this year, or for years to come. Please: Do not take offense at this (and no offense is intended), but that's kinda dumb. Kids vote for stuff that they ALREADY bought or WATCHED, and in some cases ("Drake and Josh") have watched over and over and over again. These aren't consumerist zeitgeist awards - they're just additional confirmation of everything the studio suits (who have been pushing this stuff) already knew.

I'm not gonna post the winners here, cuz who cares - seriously - but I will note that "Hannah Montana" did not win best TV show. I predicted that it wouldn't - yes, I like to brag now and then when I actually make an accurate prediction, which is understandable because accurate predictions are not my strong suit (see: "DWTS") - but "Hannah Montana" is so over, and I am beginning to wonder whether Miley Cyrus (by association) is too...

Of course, she had a big night, and remains hotter than a nuclear reactor, even though I was kinda disappointed by her performance on Saturday - hoarse and frequently off-key - but what do I know? It's the kids that matter, the kids. I was also disappointed that Britney Spears - as rumored - didn't show up to corrupt, errr, entertain the young minds, and then it occurred to me: She wouldn't be caught dead in the same stadium with Miley, who would simply remind Brit that SHE is the current Queen of Tweens, and that BRIT has been permanently dethroned.

Nick reported, and I quote, that "88,254,272 million kids cast votes March 3-29 in 18 categories to honor their favorites..."

It's a record, we're told, but it could simply mean that ten kids cast 8 million votes each; that's a possibility, but probably not too likely. Simple fact is, the KCAs are hot, and have been so for years and years.

So, was is any good? An adult's opinion is irrelevant, so I will now switch to my eight-year-old brain (which for me is very easy to do:)

"It was AWESOME. I loved the way Heidi Clom or Klem or whatever her name was popped those balloons. I wished I could do that. I hear you can eat the slime. I wonder what it tastes like? Who was that really old guy - Harrison somebody - who got slimed? Isn't Miley AWESOME!!!!

But you know what I got, like, really confused by? When Josh and Drake came on stage. I love those guys. I could tell who Josh was. But what happened to Drake? He's got hair on his face. It's red. I think he's gotta shave.

Man, those awards, they were AWESOME!."

Oh, praise be: She's here. Finally. I really couldn't wait another hour - and you do know that it's been just about a month (March 5) since we first told you this announcement was going to come.

It's here. Kathie Lee Gifford is joining "The Today Show." Her new gig was just announced on the air - the impending bombshell (no silly, the NEWS, not HER) was teased prominently on the local news and then by Matt and Meredith. Then, boom, there it was, or rather, there she was: KLG. First day is April 7, and she'll be host of the fourth hour of "Today."

(No, this is not an April's Fool Joke; April 1's tomorrow.)

She's fearless, said Matt, "and from time to time a little untamed. She's always marched to the beat of a different drummer." (Cliche alert!)

She appeared on set with the rest of the crew, and actually had an amusing pre-written joke: She's back "just in time for HDTV."

Come on! She looked pretty darned good,actually. Matt asked her why she's coming back now: Her answer was something along the lines of, kids are older, Hoda Kotb talked her into it, Cody's going to college, etc.

"Timing is everything in life," she said.

OK.

Matt asked if Frank (the Giff) was "cool with this?" "Are you kidding," KLG responded, yukking it up already with the new gang.

Of course he's cool with it, and he's writing a book too, etc. She cracked a lame joke about him being a "tight end" (old joke, she used it before), got groans, said "I'm in trouble already," and some more blah blah blah, and that was it.

You didn't miss anything. Trust me.

Why KLG? Why not? Like her or not, she's a pretty good broadcaster and knows how to roll with the nuttiness of morning TV. Plus, the fourth hour of "Today" (FHOTS) has been essentially forgettable, until now: It's kind of a watered down version of the third hour, which is kind of a watered down version of the second,which is...

Here's quickly what I posted March 5, when this news first broke (a Fla-based site, FTV, had the news first; we confirmed): Hard to believe but it's been nearly eight years since KLG lost her bully pulpit ("Live!); her last day was July 28, '00, and during that last frenetic farewell broadcast, Reeg said: This "was the most relentless, exhausting farewell in the history of TV." She also told him she wanted to return some day (she did a few years later, for a reunion). "I hope there will be an opportunity to come back" as co-host, she said. "To think I couldn't come back would break my heart more than leaving."

During that show, Reeg or someone also asked her about the relentless tabloid coverage, which (supposedly) hastened her departure after 15 years on "Live!" Those reports, she said, "always come from a miserable heart; I can only feel sorry for a miserable heart." (Actually, those reports came from a truthful heart, but maybe miserable too.)

Uh - someone who's as famous as me won "Celebrity Apprentice" last night.

Which is another way of saying - someone you never heard of won "Celebrity Apprentice" last night.

I'd like to tell you who it was, but - being that he's so non-famous - I can't quite recall who it is.

Good God, why didn't Trumpster ask Britney to be in "Celebrity Apprentice?" If she'd won, then I'd remember the name - AND be able to run a bunch of pictures, of the kind of before/after variety (like maybe Britney with make-up, or Brit without.)

If someone from Long Island won, I'd have worked all night to write the story for today's "wood" (the front page.) But I don't think this Celebrity Apprentice has ever even been to Long Island; not sure he's even HEARD of it. (Note to self: Ask him in conference call later.)

OK, his name is Piers Morgan. He's a great guy, and raised over $500,000 for his chosen charity, Intrepid Fallen Heroes Fund.

Anyway, I like Piers - or I should say, I'm jealous of Piers; he's a former journalist who's made quite a career for himself hosting reality game shows for his buddy Simon Cowell (note to self: Ask Piers during conference call how to get in touch with Simon, to find out how Newsday TV writer might get lucrative job as host of "America's Got Talent.")

Piers, a Brit, has been in a lot of shows, mostly on the other side of the Pond. My favorite titles: "You Can't Fire Me, I'm Famous," "Comic Relief: The Apprentice," "The Dame Edna Treatment," "Death of Celebrity" and "The Importance of Being Famous."

Alas, these last two lasted only one episode.

But I'd pay bucks for a look at "The Dame Edna Treatment."

So here's to you, Piers. You deserved to win last night. I only wish you were a celebrity. (Note to self: Ask Trumpster during conference call to please beg Britney Spears to join next season's edition of "Celebrity Apprentice." )

(Above: no, Britney Spears did not win "Celebrity Apprentice," but as you can see, she takes better pictures than the guy, left, who did.)

Amazing the ways of television, but typically when your head is cut off, you don't normally return to the show in which you starred. Ah, but what if viewers didn't actually SEE the headless body? Or the bodyless head? what if...

Anyway, Sarah Wayne Callies is coming back to "Prison Break" next season, and her head - TV Guide is now reporting - will be firmly attached to her body. Check out the Michael Ausiello piece here - amazing. Just amazing. As you may vaguely recall, Wentworth Miller squeeze Doc Sara Tancredi got her head taken off last year - the rather unexpected outcome of a particularly unpleasant contract dispute with Fox/producers. ("You want a raise, Callies? Raise THIS!")

But bygones are bygones - particularly now that "PB" has a new two-year deal and has to goose ratings (FAST!). Bringing Tancredi back should help.

Here's how Matt Olmstead wiggled out of Ausiello's obvious question:

"Initially when we realized that we never actually saw the character get killed, we just had that knowledge in our back pocket and moved forward with the narrative as we intended. Which was: she's out of the picture, Michael's [feeling guilty] and Lincoln is freaking out because if they did that to her, they could do that to his son. It really gave us a real push for the season..."

Sara's head would beg to differ...

(Above, Callies, head photoshopped back on.)

That's it for Jesse: "Law & Order" vet Jesse L. Martin taped his last episode Tuesday, I'm told, which is a reasonably big deal for TV's longest-running drama; I remember vividly meeting him his first week on the set nine years ago. "Vivid" because I can think of few instances where an on-screen character is so starkly different from his off; Martin was funny and a rapid-fire talker full of stories, observations, quips, and what-have-you. And now he's off to (hopefully) bigger and better things - notably the Marvin Gaye biopic ("Sexual Healing.") Meanwhile, Ed Green, errr, Martin's replacement, Anthony Anderson - another funny guy who won't likely be using his comedic chops on this show - has started on "L&O.;"

"He'll be terribly missed," said "L&O;'s" longtime (and particularly able) press rep, Audrey Davis of Martin. "He just got along with everyone." His last show airs April 23 - which is the day "L&O; returns - and yeah, he'll be missed.

Funny, but here I'm thinking NBCU bossman Jeff Zucker is putting the finishing touches on NBC's all-reality-all-the-time fall schedule (to be unveiled next week; I can hardly wait) and instead I find out he's been taping promos for "My Name is Earl."

It's getting quite a bit of pick-up, which I believe is the intended purpose, and a little bit of criticism (Nikki Finke wondered whether he was insane), which was probably not an intended purpose.

In any event, I think it's harmless. You be your own judge:

I've gone and done it again: Sparked a riotous raucous debate over something due to both my ignorance and innocence.

The debate: David Cook or Chris Cornell?

Neither needs an intro (ok, DC is the "Idol" front runner, per my unofficial count and reading of the Zeitgeist.) Cornell is - of course - one of the truly great rockers; I remember him mostly, I guess, best from his Soundgarden days although you young 'uns out there may first think of Audioslave (and let's not forget Temple of the Dog, shall we?)

Anyway - silly me - I didn't know he'd done a classic version of "Billie Jean," since turning solo, which DC performed on Tuesday; it was an "Idol" high point, and absolutely the moment that pulled DC into the front ranks this season. A bunch of smart readers told me that it wasn't only NOT original but that Ryan Seacrest even credited Cornell.

So here's my big question of the moment: Which "Billie Jean" version is better? After an exhaustive search - roughly 0.34 seconds on Youtube - I came up with about half a dozen versions of Cornell's "BJ." Sampled most of 'em, and offer you this one; the version's wonderful and exotic and raw as my old sneaker.

So what say you friends? Cornell or DC? I'm happy to report (as a DC fan), it's not such an easy choice as you might imagine...

(And since we're on a Chris Cornell kick for the moment, here's a great clip of "Revelations;" wonder if DC'll ever try this?)

(Above, Cornell in earlier days, in Rolling Stone; thanks to Destructogirl for the clip.)

So now that I've almost completely forgotten about the Britney Spears Carefully Planned Career Rehab Appearance (BSCPCRA) on "How I Met Your Mother," I've gotta get all excited about a possible BSCPRCA on the Kids' Choice Awards this Saturday.

For the uninitiated out there, the Kids' Choice are the Oscars for the pint-sized set; they're a huge deal, and usually the most viewed thing - outside of a special "SpongeBob" or what have you - on Nick all year. Nick also promotes the bejezus out of 'em, so it's almost impossible to meet a kid who doesn't at least know they're coming up.

Back to the possible BSCPRA: Hard to say what she'll do at the Kids' Choice - hosting's outta the question as Jack Black's been in the saddle for this job for quite a while; the show's filled with many (many) presenters, and that's a possibility; or maybe she'll simply stand there, before the adoring cameras.

. OK! Magazine, which is supposed to know about such things, says she'll be there, although the mag's report is particularly fuzzy, of the maybe she'll be there, maybe she won't variety. We await official confirmation, or denial...

Brit was at the 2003 awards, BTW, and here's a shot of the dear girl at the 2006 Teen's Choice.

I love to spread rumors as much as the next blogger, and this one I can't resist: Is Carly Smithson pregnant?

My incredibly hard-working colleague, Eileen Fredes, brought this beauty to my attention recently - telling me that it was so widespread that even WNYW/5 checked in on it last night at 10. Sure enough, it's raging across the Internets as we speak...

What does this mean? Plenty. First of all - if true - then Carly very likely WON'T be joining the "Idol" tour this summer (as Eileen pointed out). Also, why the rumors now? If true, then will this work to Carly's benefit? In other words, is this pregnancy a good career move?

I'm one of Smithson's big 'ol fans - I think she's wonderful, even if she's a pro who once had a big fat MCA contract, and couldn't even sell ten records. But I think she has a squishy fan base and may well be voted off tonight. Imagine! Ramiele (or Christy) stays but Carly goes.

What a world. As soon as I find out more about this "developing story" (as Drudge might say), I'll let you know.

(Update: Per an "AI" spokesman, "We dont comment on the personal lives of our contestants."

That's right. I'm not kidding - like I'd kid about something like this. NBC will announce its fall schedule next week, or about two months ahead of everyone else.

Yes, this is unprecedented and a little nutty, or maybe a lot nutty. I mean: Why next week? What's the logic? Why not the week after? And will we viewers - me and you - really remember any of this six months from now?

Boy, I wanna sip of what they've got in them watercoolers out in Burbank.

Anyway, why wait till next week? I've got the schedule right here, right now (let's just say your faithful correspondent has spies in VERY IMPORTANT places.) Here it is. Don't hold me to this - my source may have been gulping that Burbank watercooler juice for all I know:

Monday: "Deal or No Deal" (8 p.m.); "Deal or No Deal" (9); "My Dad is Better than Your Dad" (10).

Tuesday: "Deal or No Deal" (8); "My Mom is Better than Your Mom" (9); "Deal or No Deal" (10).

Wednesday: "The Biggest Loser: 7" (8); "The Biggest Loser: Mixed Couples;" "Deal or No Deal" (10).

Thursday: "American Gladiators" (8); "American Gladiators: All Stars!!" (9); "Deal or No Deal" (10).

Friday: "The Singing Bee: Moms Vs. Dads" (8); "Celebrity Apprentice" (9); "Celebrity Apprentice:" All Stars" (10).

Saturday: "Deal or No Deal" (encore night.)

Sunday: "Deal or No Deal" (7); "America's Got Talent: All-Stars" (8); "American Gladiators: Deal or No Deal Edition" (9); "Deal or No Deal: Gladiators Edition" (10.)

Now, this would be significant news if Britney Spears were hosting the ESPYs - the 16th annual ESPN awards will air July 20 at 9 - but because it's only Justin Timberlake, a blog entry will have to do. Here's Justin's nice quote: “I’m very excited to be hosting the 16th edition of The ESPYs. I can’t wait for the day of the show as I’m truly a sports junkie. Since the last ESPYs, there have been amazing moments in sports and I’m looking forward to recapping all of them with ESPN’s diehard fans.”

AwwwwwRIGHT!!!

A little late catching up with "Idol" today (ok, a lot late), but this is one of those blog entries where you sort of feel that you have to jump on board the band wagon along with everyone else. Last night was a particularly interesting edition, and now, I can officially declare right here in the confines of TV Zone: David Cook is the absolute front-runner.

How do you determine these things? (I ask myself.) It's in the air, the zeitgeist, the whatever, (I reply to myself.) It's just THERE. But Archie has suddenly become passe, or vulnerable. It's strange how these things happen, but they just do; blame the ol' Zeitgeist. Honestly, I thought Cook's rendetion of "Billy Jean" was the stand-out moment this season - the one we'll remember a month from now, perhaps, maybe longer. It was "original" - but "good" original.

(BTW, I have to share this fascinating comment from Rushhoursoul, just received: "I loved David Cook's performance but if you have ever heard Chris Cornell's - Soundgarden, Audioslave - version of "Billie Jean" from 'Unplugged in Sweden 2006' then David's version is not terribly original." And - oh boy - read Lisa's less-polite dismissal of my Cook endorsement. I disgree with her, but she picks up the Cornell ref too.)

Meanwhile, who goes tonight? Here's my list from first (the most likely) to fourth (least likely). It's a tough call, and number one on my list is one of my favorites, but cruel are the "Idol" gods, and capricious too. (And if you missed DC's "Billy Jean," it follows):

1.) Carly Smithson.

2.) Chikeze

3.) Ramiele Malubay

4.) Kristy Lee Cook (for once, almost certainly safe, considering her remarkably clever and effective performance last night; if this "Idol" thing doesn't work out - I've got a career suggestion for CLC - as a TV executive.)

(Above, the winner. Randy's right.)

I've received a lot of reader comments - which in my humble realm means about three - concerning the cancellation of CBS's "Kid Nation." Now, I was initially cheered by news of this cancellation, considering how bad the show is.

But I'm in the minority. Turns out, there's a whole nation of "Kid Nation" fans, who are angry at CBS for canceling their favorite show. Some of them are distraught, and the reason I'm writing this blog entry is because last night, I got this comment from Kim: "MY LIVE IS NO LONGER WORTH LIVING!!!!!!!!!!NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOO..."

Well, take heart, Kim. It IS worth living, and there is a possible solution here. CBS may have canceled this show, but there are options. Consider how fans of "Jericho" extended that worthy's life for an extra seven episodes? They sent bags of nuts to CBS executives. Sick of the nut tsunami, they relented.

So here's an idea for "KN:" Send your kids.

It's simple. Put them in a large box, and tape it up well, but be sure to put some holes in it so they can breath. For food, add a couple of Domino's pizzas (cheese only, no toppings - they can get messy.) Don't forget the iPod.

This could work. Seriously. Les Moonves - and I suppose Julie Chen - will be driven crazy by the crowd of noisy needy little buggers - all those fights over which favorite show to watch, and constant demands to buy Guitar Hero or Miley Cyrus tickets. CBS'll throw in the towel by the upfronts, and "KN" will be on the fall schedule - and maybe they'll stick your kids in it!

This isn't an original idea. Someone at New York Magazine recently suggested sending hair to ABC executives as a plan to save "Cavemen." It didn't work.

Kids will work. Don't say I never did anything for you, Kim.

Here's the address:

CBS Studios: 7800 Beverly Boulevard Los Angeles, CA. 90036

You woke up this morning, wondering. "Why were the Jonas Brothers on 'DWTS' last night? Why was something that coulda been, shoulda been over in ten seconds, expanded to two full bloated insanely dull hours...? And I was so sick of all the padding and commercials that I went to bed early, and now don't even have a clue who got voted off last night?"

And that, my friends, is what I was put on this earth for: To tell you who got voted off of "Dancing with the Stars" last night...

Without any further padding of my own...and I do mean, no padding...they were...

Drum roll...

(Isn't this exciting...?)

Oops, I forgot. I already put their names in the headline.

That's right: Big Boy, or Big Foot, or Young Frankenstein. AKA Penn Jillette. He's gone. And so is Monica Seles.

This is not a surprise. I repeat: This is not a surprise. Reason is that at this early stage, if you have a really lousy judge score (counting for one half of your total) it's just about impossible to muster much audience support either. They had the lowest scores, ergo...adios.

But I'll still miss Big Foot. Comic relief is important in shows bloated to a full two hours. Plus, I was hoping he'd regale the audience at some point with his own version of "The Aristocrat."

(Above, great players do not always make great dancers...)

Tina Fey - Liz Lemon, you know - is holding a kinda rare telephone presser at the moment, to talk about the new season of "30 Rock" (returning April 10), and she had a couple interesting things to say.

Here's one - that the show won't incorporate any strike storylines. Quoth she: ":We are not - we are deciding that the strike did not happen in our world [because] for people viewing at home. the real strike was a big enough pain, and they probably don't want to hear anymore about it...before there was a strike we did have a strike story and we may save that for later down the road..."

What'd she do during the strike? Stay at home with her daughter, "which was the blessing of the strike. [Now] my daughter's old enough to say, 'oh no, you not go to work. You not go outside...'"

Here's something I think we can all get excited about: Those very evil geniuses of "South Park" - Trey Parker and Matt Stone - have finally discovered this Internet thing, and have launched an all-"South Park-All-The-Time" website. Southparkstudios.com actually launched last week, but the official word is out today. Here's the flackery on it: "[It] will feature free, streaming, full-length episodes and clips from the entire 12 seasons of the Emmy and Peabody Award-winning animated series. The site which rolled out a beta version last Wednesday has already received over three million page views, over two million video plays, and more than a million streams of full episodes." ("Peabody-Award-winning?" Whatever. ) http://www.southparkstudios.com/

This is actually kinda interesting. I expected - nay, I flat-out predicted - that Brit's pop-up role on "How I Met Your Mother" would bring boatloads of new viewers to the show. That hundreds of millions would tune in to see for themselves whether a.) she could act; b.) she could expunge the memory of the VMAs; and c.) whether a new career was in the offing.

I mean - Good God, we're talking about Britney here, The Most Downloaded Person on the Planet. Surely that would add up to another ten or twenty million viewers...

Surely, but...no. CBS just sent out the overnights on "HIMYM," and they're perfectly OK, but not - again - what I expected. Bottom line: The show was seen by a total of 10.62 million viewers, or up 1.01 mill from the season average.

And yes, "DWTS" easily won the night.

Well, I'm thinking tonight's double-elimination is probably one of the easiest calls in "DWTS" history. First of all, Monica. Great tennis player. Not great dancer. Last night was a deal-sealer, because whatever she did...I don't even fully recall...was not so much a display of incompetence as much a display of boredom. "This dancing business...ho hum...couldn't be bothered..." She's scored (I believe) 15 two weeks in a row, which simply means she'd need an extraordinary audience turn-out to overcome the judge liability.

That won't happen.

And...Penn. Comedy on the dance floor is fine - but trick ties, and voodoo dolls, and other tricks of the comedian/magician trade become distractions almost as much as the size 22 feet. Again, the judges penalized him last night (no score ever given for "comedy timing") which means another massive turn-out by viewers is needed. That just won't happen either.

Why not Carolla? Good question, and you could certainly call it a toss-up, I imagine, but there was a whole lotta redeeming going on last night. The "Mitch" business as a way of explaining away his "bitch" comment to Carrie Ann? That might just annoy viewers, while a simple apology might've worked a hell of a lot better. Who'll for for AC - who displayed major improvement last night BTW? Maybe radio fans. But that's a real stretch.

But only two can go tonight and my picks are Penn and Monica.

Here's Monica one more time; can't bear to watch Penn again...

This is finally official so no sense in waiting around any more to tell you about it: "Prison Break" has been picked up for a fourth season. "PB" is certainly no barn-burner in terms of audience appeal, but it does have a core audience and the core'll keep the show around another year. No details on the new season, but Fox does appear to be making some concession to costs: Show will shift production from Dallas (where it's been the last two season) to L.A. So...somehow Scofield, now out of that Panamanian prison, is presumably heading north, way north, to Los Angeles where he'll wreak havoc on the Company next fall. This is OK, because L.A. - already nuked by "24" - knows full well how to deal with maniacal revenge. Meanwhile, no worries about bumping into Bauer cuz he'll be in D.C. next season.

Woke up early this morning, actually last night, from troubled dreams. In my fevered sleep, imagined the world today was heaping great mountains of praise on Britney Spears. "A triumph!," says the Times, in an above the fold review. "Scintillating, sly, sexy," says USA Today, equally full of delusion. "The beginning of the beginning," enthused Variety. "Last night, 'How I Met Your Mother.' Next year, could Oscar be knocking on Britney's door!"

Then, I awoke with a start. A dream, I mumbled. No, a NIGHTMARE. Britney everywhere, in my dreams, like some horrifying apparition. That last line, "can we have some sex and then go shopping?" repeating in an endless loop in my brain, and each time I groan in horror that someone actually wrote that.

Britney, Britney, BRITNEY!

Anyway, to make this long nightmare short, I got up, turned on "GMA," and there's Diane Sawyer: "And last night, Britney's acting debut, to heaps of PRAISE!!"

Aaaarrrggghhh! I had entered my own "Groundhog's Day." Just me and Brit - going around and around forever, me watching an endless re-run cycle of "How I Met Your Mother," her saying, "...then go shopping...then go shopping...then..."

I'm feeling much better though because at least (I realized) KFed wasn't on last night's show.

This is a subject that has puzzled scholars for generations - a problem so deep and rich and riddled with so much complex minutiae that many have simply thrown up their hands in frustration, as if to say: "Scheesh..I dunno. Your guess is as good as mine..."

Here's the problem: What's the best sitcom of all time?

It seems easy, doesn't it? Oh, yes - DECEPTIVELY easy. Sure, "Seinfeld" is the best of all time. Or is it? If you say "Seinfeld, seasons 1-3," then it seems like a slam dunk, or maybe just seasons four and five - also pretty darned good. But what happens when you fold in the last couple of seasons? That's right - the overall batting average drops.

"I Love Lucy?" I suppose that's a contender, but after little Ricky came along, I dunno - it lost something.

We could go on and on and on and on. But we'll let our colleagues over at "Pet Rock" - right here at the Newsday - go on and on and on. They're running a "sitcom playoff," similar to the NCAA playoffs. Voting for the first round ends in just about five minutes, so if you're hearing about this for the first time, you've still got a minute to get your votes in. Next round follows, and another after that - until the King (or Queen) is crowned!

What will it be? Scholars will be very pleased - a 500-year-old argument will be settled once and for all...

Is "Seinfeld" the best...or is it "Good Times!"...or howabout...

If you happen to have a minute this afternoon at around four, it's probably a reasonably good idea to check out "Oprah," because Billy Joel and wife Katie Lee plan to give "their first ever" joint interview with anyone anywhere. It's one of those "at home" encounters that O does with celebs - you know, she walks through their house and goes on about how "spectacular" the place is, etc. etc. In fact, she will use the "s" word, because here's the announcement: "Follow our cameras inside their spectacular New York City brownstone, which was decorated by 'Oprah's Big Give' host and design expert Nate Berkus. Plus, Katie Lee Joel cooks up the family's favorite recipe, and Billy Joel performs 'Only the Good Die Young' live from the 'Oprah' stage."

And that, friends, is that: CBS has pulled the plug on "Jericho," ending one of the more extraordinary tales of survival in recent TV history.

Here's the official statement from Nina Tassler, CBS chief, and - cynical beast that I am - I'd still say that it's sincere and heartfelt:

"The March 25th episode of Jericho will be the series finale. Without question, there are passionate viewers watching this program; we simply wish there were more. We thank an engaged and spirited fan base for keeping the show alive this long, and an outstanding team of producers, cast and crew that went through creative hoops to deliver a compelling, high quality second season. We have no regrets bringing the show back for a second try. We listened to our viewers, gave the series an opportunity to grow, and the producers put a great story on the screen. We're proud of everyone's efforts."

Well, really: This whole thing was a long shot, but what a story nevertheless. When CBS killed the show after the first season ('06-'07), fans organized this quite literally nutty effort to get the webheads to change their minds. They sent millions and millions of nuts to them, inundating CBS offices in New York and LA, and finally getting execs to re-think the execution. They thought...more nuts came...and thought some more...more nuts came...and then, boom, they re-newed the show they had just canceled.

"Jericho" got only a seven-episode order, but fans hoped for more. Alas, ratings shriveled and Tassler pulled the trigger.

This is the end. Forever. Hold the nuts.

Wassa matter, Al? Bored with retirement? Not enough to do? No one to yell at?

Well, it does appear that the One, the Only, LI's Very Own Al D'Amato is shopping a "here comes da judge" TV show. Hollywood Reporter broke the big story this morning - scooped again, eh, Gay? - so I may as well just reprint the whole story for your edification AND amusement:

"Al D'Amato, the former U.S. senator from New York, has his sights set on daytime television.
A court show that D'Amato has been shopping to the syndication business for fall 2009 has drawn interest from major syndicators.

"D'Amato, a Republican who served in the Senate from 1981 to 1999, was nicknamed "Senator Pothole" for his willingness to meet with constituents and help them with their individual cases. He also was known for his lengthy and at times comical filibusters on the floor of the Senate, one of which found him answering questions from a visiting colleague, reciting names and singing "South of the Border."

"He published a book, "Power, Pasta & Politics: The World According to Senator Al D'Amato," in 1995 and founded the consulting firm Park Strategies four years later.

"His representatives at Rebel Entertainment Partners declined comment Thursday.

"Court shows are one of the most robust genres in first-run syndication, with no fewer than 11 now on the air and two more -- Sony's "Judge Karen" and Program Partners "Family Court With Judge Penny" -- set to debut in the fall. The shows are perceived as one of the safer bets in daytime programming because they continue to draw solid ratings, led by perennial front-runner "Judge Judy.""

OK, so this may not be your cuppa tea, but it's a very big development in the New York arts community and in public TV here: WNET/13 debuts this Sunday its long-awaited "SundayArts" program.

First show up: New York City Opera's production of "Madama Butterfly" with James Valenti and Shu-Ying Li. There'll be opera every week (at noon), plus some other diversions along the way. Here's the line-up into April: "Great Performances at the Met: Hansel and Gretel" and "Peter and the Wolf" (3/30) - the latter, I believe, that Oscar-winning program set to Prokofiev; "Great Performances at the Met: Roméo et Juliette (4/6);" and "Great Performances at the Met: Macbeth (4/13)."

Dear old "SundayArts" - it's brand new, but it does feel "dear" and "old" already - will try to mix it up a little too. Here's a direct quote from a press release that my friends at 13 just sent: "Along with classic performances, [news] segments will feature on-the-scene reports from some of the hottest shows around town, plus profiles and interviews with the people who matter in the art world — from William Wegman, Wynton Marsalis and Metropolitan Opera chief Peter Gelb, to a Brooklyn chalk artist and a hip hop artist-poet."

Honestly, I think this'll be great - for those who have time Sundays at noon to watch.

Here's some great news from the world of television news: Bob Schieffer, one of the greats in CBS News history who indicated in a recent AP story that he was hanging it up at the end of this season, has had a change of heart.

And more big Schieffer news - he's at work on another book. His last - "This Just In: What I Couldn't Tell You on TV" - was one of most interesting and lively accounts of a journalist's life that I've ever read....

Here's what Bob told me in a recent email: "[CBS News prez] Sean McManus has asked me to rethink my decision so I am rethinking. We are working out the details but he has the basketball tournament to think about this week and I am away on vacation but it looks like I will stay around a bit longer.

" I would rather not say more about it until we get it all worked out. I got the galleys for the book last week and just sent them back to Neil Nyren, my editor at Putnam (also publisher of This Just In ) It is scheduled to be released in September, just after the political conventions. It is a collection of my commentaries from 'Face the Nation' and even includes some of the longer opinion pieces I wrote for CBS Radio way back in the '70s. The collection includes essays on everything from war and peace to advice to fathers on how to 'act normal' which was the order I got from my daughters when we held the first boy-girl party at our house."

On last night's "Lost" (smartly recapped as usual by my colleague Verne Gay), in the scene where Michael tried to kill himself, he turns on his car radio and hears Mama Cass' minor 1969 song "It's Getting Better."

"Lost" fans with long memories probably recall another minor Mama Cass song ("Make Your Own Kind of Music") being used in an earlier episode that took place the first time we saw Desmond in the infamous hatch (what that coincidence means, I'll leave up to "Lost" deconstruction experts such as VGay).

Anyway, now that you've heard the song, here's an extremely rare clip of Mama Cass performing it.

Was that good for you? It was good for me - enough answers, just enough, to keep us wondering about all the many outstanding questions. Enough reprisals to make us realize, happily, that saying "goodbye" on "Lost" is never forever, but usually for just a season or two. And perhaps enough suspense to make us wish April 24 was here tomorrow instead of a month from now.

Here's what we now know: The identity of the O 6 (and clearly, Michael is not among them); that the island preserves some lives, but not others (begging another question); that Walt is alive; that Micheal, burdened by guilt and who knows what else, is probably not the guy in the coffin at the end of last season; that the jet at the bottom of the ocean was not the real O 815 (though everyone had guessed that early on anyway).

That's just a partial list, of course. Last night was such a "reveal rush" that I'm sure I missed 85 other things, but this'll do for now. Some good outstanding questions to ponder: Is Rousseau really dead? (What do you think?) What's the significance of Mama Cass ("...things are getting better all the time..") or any significance at all? Who are the "good guys" among the Freighter people, and wouldn't Naomi be considered one? Why did Sayid sell out Michael so quickly? Who lurked in the reeds? Why can Tom work out a physical return, but not (say) Libby?

Just wondering...and wondering...and wondering...

(Meanwhile, faithful reader, Toby OB posted this comment, and I think it provides valuable illumination: "As to your last point about Tom vs. Libby in re: to physical returns, since that was a flashback, Tom was still alive at that point in the timeline. Libby was dead and buried...."

Thanks Toby.

(Above, Mr. Friendly's back, without beard, and he's ummm, friendly.)

Stop me if you've heard this story before but...last summer I was in this restaurant in Hollywood with one of my best friends on the planet (Mike Hruska) when who should casually stroll in but Harold Perrineau.

This entrance, after...a day at the Press Tour in Beverly Hills (how we suffered) where critics angrily confronted the boss of ABC Entertainment, Steve McPherson, when he refused (declined, perhaps is the better word) to tell them the huge secret about the new season of "Lost," because Darlton (Carlton Cuse/Damon Lindelof) planned to break the news to the nerds...errrr...the highly intelligent people down in Comic-Con, then being held at that very moment in San Diego.

Well, you just won't believe what happened: The critics started a full scale riot! They broke up the furniture. Started throwing their computers (laptops, to be exact.) Epithets were strewn about. A terrified McPherson reached for his cellphone and called Darlton; we overheard him: "Can I tell these nerds...errrr, highly intelligent people...the secret?" he said over the din.

He raised his hand. Suddenly, there was silence.

"Michael," he said, "is coming back to 'Lost.'"

This is a true story, sort of, with a few embellishments.

Anyway, Harold was so amused after I told him about that morning's Press Tour riot that he proceeded to tell me what was going to happen when he reappeared this season as "Kevin Johnson," and who the "Oceanic 6" were, and...

Well, I can't tell you any more or he would kill me.

In any event, the most anticipated "Lost" of the season: In thirty minutes.

Here's a little overlooked fact about MS and certainly not one you'll be hearing/reading about anytime soon in one of the many Martha Stewart publications, websites, magazines, TV shows, or whatever other media outlet she controls: It's been just over three years since she got out of prison (March 3, 2005.)

And here we are today, three years later, and she just celebrated the 500th edition of her daytime TV show, "The MS Show." That's what I'd call "overcoming an obstacle" - a little easier when you are a billionaire, perhaps, and one of the most famous people on the planet. But nevertheless, still impressive. Bill Clinton was there the 500th - no big deal, he turns up for the opening of an envelop - and so was Conan O'Brien, who - I assume - shared his funny story about that "Conan O'Brien St. Patrick's Day Stew" recipe in Good Housekeeping.

The mentors are back! The mentors are back! And with that, the Beatles may soon be gone.

Yeah, last night Ryan Seacrest gave a fuller list of this season's mentors - Mariah Carey, Dolly Parton, Andrew Lloyd Webber and Neil Diamond - and you can be reasonably certain that they're not coming aboard to help the final ten with the Lennon/McCartney canon. I'm pretty certain Parton - BTW - was already expected, and probably MC too. Mentors - you'll recall - have been a key part of the show over the years, though producers cooled to 'em this season because they decided to focus more on the kids' back-stories as opposed to the back-stories of the rich-and-famous coaching them.

But...obviously a bad decision in retrospect. They were (or at least were sometimes) viewer faves, and the contestants got a kick out of them as well. And - arguably - they made the songs and performances better, or at least as good as they could be. Certainly Diana Ross knows a little bit more about how to sing one of her own hits than one of the "Idol" resident musical pros, right?

The absence of mentors has also been a possible, or probable, reason why the last two Beatles weeks have been such a considerable disappointment. The singers, half the age of the songs, in some instances didn't know the songs, and certainly weren't plugged into their rich, mythic lore. Result - a lotta bad performances.

Last year, in fact, "Idol" DID get permission from Sony/Micheal Jackson to dip into the Beatles songbook (they could choose a few songs - this season, the whole book was open to them.) But they canned the idea when they couldn't get a Beatles "mentor." They wanted legendary Beatles producer/frontman George Martin, and here's what "Idol" bossman Ken Warwick said at the time:

"The problem we found - or the problem we've had, obviously - is that we need a mentor who's up to the job. We were after George Martin, and his schedule unfortunately... we tried every which way. We had permission from the record company, we just couldn't get George."

Ummm, what about Sir Paul? He did write the songs that people sing, so...

Said Ken: He "took exception" to Simon's comments about the contestants."

"[McCartney's] a nice guy. He doesn't like Simon saying, 'You're horrible. You're the worst I ever heard. You shouldn't be singing.' So the chances of Paul coming on the show were pretty slim."

Oh, Simon...

(Of course, Paul has had his hands full of a few other problems the last few months, so can't put all the blame on our favorite judge...)

Yeah, we have all been mightily bugged by the fact that "Idol" and "DWTS" have decided to go up against each other. What to watch (or TiVo, or what have you)?

Anyway, we have the numbers (thanks to TV Guide for posting these earlier):

"DWTS" got skunked - 15.7 million viewers to "Idol's" 26.8 million at 9, down (nevertheless) nearly two and half million from the week before. So the dancers did have an impact. My hunch: "DWTS's" numbers, at least on Tuesday, will start to build from here.

Ivan Dixon, a fine actor who was best known for portraying the levelheaded Kinchloe on
“Hogan’s Heroes,” has died. He was 76.

Here's a clip of Dixon and his POW pals from that funny, but highly controversial '60s sitcom:

The winner! (Um, already?)

Oh, I'm on to your game, "Dancing with Stars." Oh, yes I am.

Can't fool Uncle Verne. It's so obvious, so ridiculously obvious, that no one will be fooled.

The women are pretty good to excellent, overall. The guys are horrific to good, overall. Do we smell a trend here?

We do. Why have they stacked the odds in favor of the women? Because - of course - women don't vote for women contestants, and "DWTS" is simply attempting to tilt the balance so dramatically in their favor this season that there will be - that there CAN be - no doubt whatsoever that a woman should win "DWTS." A woman MUST win this season; it's the only way the franchise will keep a shred of credibility, otherwise the word will be out, more or less officially, that only guys can win this show, because women viewers are voting for them.

Guys? Honestly - I think I'm the only one on the planet who actually watches "DWTS."

Kristi Yamaguchi was so accomplished last night that she's already secured a final four position - unless the ghost of Sabs Bryan returns to prove once again that (only) the good die young on "DWTS." (And knowing "DWTS," she will...)

Let's break 'em down:

Shannon Elizabeth/Derek Hough: Sets the tone for the whole evening, with a surprisingly good open round; Hough's great so that shouldn't be a surprise, but Eliz? Who'da figured. All legs and torso. Her Achilles heel: women voters, who will likely discover she was in Maxim or some such mag. That won't help. No, it won't.

Monica Seles/Jonathan Roberts: Youth and athleticism. Those were the things I thought she had in her favor. But last night's performance was so somnolent that I nodded off then fell into a deep dreamless sleep. But...that said, she was still competent.

Marissa Jaret Winokur/Tony Dovolani: Tracy Turnblad brings it on home. Man, I just knew the actress in Marissa would trump whatever other deficiencies she might bring to this thing, but you know what? There's raw potential here, and with that big 'ol smile and show biz savvy, I see her as a contender for weeks to come.

Priscilla Presley/Louis Van Amstel: Again, a shocker! What I like about Priscilla is that deep - almost ridiculously deep - sense of purpose. She's so so serious. But that paid off because she took a relatively complicated routine and worked it out nicely. Again, I see HER around for a while, too. And there was also a very telling comment by Sam Harris: "You need to vote guys..." That's right. They need to, but will they?

Kristi Yamaguchi/Mark Ballas: You already know what I think. She's so absurdly good that this whole comp is suddenly over. Good thing ABC needs to stretch this out through the May sweeps... She was actually fun to watch, and "fun" doesn't usually come into the equation in the first round.

Marlee Matlin/Fabian Sanchez: And so it went - a female contestant who was solid on her feet again, and "solid" in a good way. She's someone else who's on this show for a while.

Big Hair is good. Very good.

Yesterday morning, Simon Cowell woke up on the wrong side of bed, fell out flat on on his face, scrambled to his feet, then tumbled head first out the window and straight down into a scummy pond filled with duck poop where he was then set upon by a thousand homicidal Canadian geese.

How else - I ask you in all genuine sincerity - is one to explain his horrendous mood last night?

I've seen Cowell in black moods before - that square Brit face of his scarlet with anger, bile, rage, disappointment, and (flat-out) scorn.

But last night? That was the record. It was that flock of homicidal geese, I suppose.

I mean, seriously people. Where to begin? He spat out insult after insult, until he was so spent he had to consult his (recently published) "Simon Cowell's Book of Insults" for fresh material. By the time poor 'ol Malubay rolled around, he basically just threw up his hands - "you chose really mediocre songs and didn't show the best of your ability."

So, it was also McCartney and Lennon's fault now, eh?

How DARE they write mediocre songs for Ramielle Malubay and all these other pretenders?

Good Lord, man.

He was kinda nice to Mercado and Archie. But that was it.

In some cases, he was absolutely right. Brooke White - my heroine - was horrendous. Amanda Overmyer was so bad that if she gets voted off tonight, then even Paul will feel a little better (after giving Heather a king's ransom.)

But the rest of his judgments were flawed - especially with Carly Smithson. Here. You don't believe me. Watch. She was fine. Simon was nuts.

What's the problem? Simple: Simon, and doubtless the rest of the "Idol" production brain trust, are beginning to regret this Beatle thing. It's become a straitjacket, whereby songs that were gorgeous and indelible when sung by the one-and-onlys almost half a century ago, now sound tinny and trivial when sung by this crew. Yes, Malubay was the perfect example (and Brooke too). "I Should Have Known Better" should have only been sung by Lennon (I think it was Lennon) and no one else, ever. But Simon is so clearly incensed by all this ruination of the Beatles that he's completely lost his judgment and apparently, marbles.

I wonder: When will "Idol" start mixing in other standards again?

Simon slugs Carly. Carly slugs back and scores!

GACK!! This is what "Dancing with the Stars" has wrought:

"Secret Talents of the Stars"

Tuesday, April 8 at 10.

On CBS (which is kinda treading water on Tuesdays, so this rabbit comes outta the hat.)

The news on this show broke during the writers strike, when about 6,000 other reality shows were announced. I kinda hoped CBS had forgotten about it. But they didn't. Details were out this morning:

Let's shorthand this for you. Marla Maples doing gymnastics.

Does that say it all?

Okay, howabout George Takei singing country.

Malcolm-Jamal Warner on bass guitar.

Joe Frazier as an R&B; singer.

Danny Bonaduce (oh you just KNOW he had to be in this one) on a unicycle.

Clint Black doing stand-up.

Mya doing tap dance...

I could go on. But why bother. You'll watch. You can't help yourself.

There will be a bunch of other celebrities who didn't get invited to "Dancing with the Stars" doing a bunch of other stuff that you might not normally associate them with, and then viewers during this seven-week sillyfest will vote on who they think does whatever it is they do best, and we'll end up with two finalists, and then sometime in May, a winner will be crowned, and if ratings are REALLY big, then I'll be forced to write a "news" story for the Newsday.

Thanks "DWTS."

I just love Darlton - those mind-bending brainiacs and czars of "Lost" conflated by fans into one (Carlton Cuse/Damon Lindelof.) First, they promise (sort of) that they'll tell the awaiting world of the identities of the Oceanic 6 after the March 13 episode.

Now, they are confirming (to me) that we'll have to wait a little bit longer. The mind-bending games continue! In an email from Carlton - not Darlton - yesterday, he said: "The evidence is all there to identify the six. But for those who remain unconvinced we will confirm the identities of the six on our next podcast."

I do believe the "next podcast" is scheduled for this Thursday when we're informed that Darlton will appear in an audio podcast "to rehash the tumultuous events that lay ahead."

And, ABC just confirmed that the O 6 will in fact be confirmed in this post-"Meet Kevin Johnson" podcast this Thursday.

I'm interested in all this in part because I got some pretty smart responses from readers to my last "Lost" blog where to the best of my limited ability I postulated the identity of the six (Sun/Jack/Kate/Hurley/Sayid/Aaron.) I also idly mused about Jin, but - hello, earth to me - he couldn't be because of the DOD on the tombstone. Man, I gotta read those tombstones more carefully... All this proves is how damn smart my readers are and that they should be the ones writing this blog.

I was especially intrigued by Lou Barber's suggestions:

"Sun/Jack/Kate/Hurley/Sayid/Micheal - I think he was in the coffin that Jack went to visit [while] Kate is keeping [Aaron] a secret, so [he] can't be the O6..."

Beats me, brother. But I will say this: The identity of the Six is not as obvious as we think. It may not even be one of the obvious ones because we all seem to be forgetting that this is "Lost," where the "obvious" is NEVER the "obvious."

Onward, Losties...

(Could the little guy, above, be No.6?)

Soul superstar Otis Redding's posthumous "(Sittin' On) The Dock of the Bay" was the No. 1 song on the Billboard charts 40 years ago this week.

Check out this tribute video to Redding, who died in a plane crash on December 10, 1967:

Front-runner. Night One.

So let's get straight to it: The guys are weak. Not awful. Just weak. Add 'em all up together, and you end up with "average." Which isn't good enough.

Of course, there were exceptions, though the best performances last night were still only OK, and enhanced by the ol' charm factor.

Will a guy win the sixth season of "Dancing with the Stars?" With statistics and past history as indicators, the answer is yes. But based on last night, the answer is no.

Let's break 'em on down:

Penn Jillette/Kym Johnson: He absolutely reminded me of that classic sequence in "Young Frankenstein" when Gene Wilder first introduced his gorgeous creation to the world, and what did Frank do? Dance a soft-shoe on stage. "DWTS" seems to think comic relief was missing from last season, but I'm not sure viewers come to this for laughs. Penn was certainly funny. Bantering with Bruno about card tricks, the latter says: "I've done a few tricks in my life." Penn: "We don't wanna go there..." No, we don't.

Jason Taylor/Edyta Sliwinska: Like this Dolphin so far, and the best example of charisma trumping raw talent (OK, maybe Cristian is the best example, but more on that in a sec.) He's got game and humor and a sense of purpose, and you need all three to click with the viewer at home. So he'll be fine through the opening weeks. Problem is perspective: This combo LOOKS odd, because he's six six and 255 pounds. Edyta is (like) half his size.

Cristian de La Fuente/Cheryl Burke: I see great possibilities here, and you know darn well that so does Cheryl who - I would bet my bottom nickel - insisted on the Mad Chilean after having to slump around the stage with Wayne Newton last year. She wants to win again, and probably insisted on a comer as opposed to a loser. He's got pure charisma, and so does she, but he's gotta cut down a bit on that vanity; women voters may swoon at first, but the act will wear thin. He needs to project "sincerity..." He's an actor - should be able to figure it out.

Adam Carolla/Julianne Hough: Well, you just know this one's doomed. Why did "DWTS" producers decide on this act? I can tell you why. The show - and ABC - want to enrich the male demo on the show, because it's skewing too heavily female. More guys watching means an even bigger audience, and maybe a possibility that they'll vote for women contestants. (Women viewers usually seem to vote for male contestants...) But only problem - Adam could be voted off first. He's funny. That might count for something. But likely not.

Mario/Karina Smirnoff: We're on to ya, "DWTS." Those little openers are dead giveaways to performances, always. Karina has a herniated disk. Oh, doom, doom! And of course they were just fine. Mario's the male front-runner - not quite David Archuleta, perhaps, but the guy to beat so far.

Steve Guttenberg/Anna Trebunskaya: Yeah, my first thought too: Steve has had a lot of work done, and by that I mean, "face-lift." He's been completely re-modeled, and my sincere compliments to the surgeon who did the honors. But bless 'im - who cares? He's in Hollywood! You just don't let your face fall and call it a day. In the city of perpetual youth, youth must be served and preserved. Steve's feet did a reasonable job last night too. I think he's on this show for a while - maybe quite a while. People will like his charm and enthusiasm - I believe it's called "infectious." Plus, he'll start giving plugs for his charity, and that'll seal the deal. How could you vote off a guy who has his name on a major charity? You can't! Steve's good to go, plus how savvy can you get? He wished his parents a happy 50th. Oh you're good, Guttenberg. You're very good.

Mr. Hollywood. A keeper - for now.

Yes, this is the first look - the very first look - at BS's turn on CBS's soundstage, which must have come to an absolute grinding halt when she showed up last week to do this cameo in "How I Met Your Mother." Pictured here with Josh Radnor, she's a receptionist in a dermatologist's office and has fallen hard for our hero. (Episode airs next Monday.)

People Mag paid millions of bucks for this photo - but we're giving it to you for free, and all we have to do is credit "People" (ah, the power and fairness of the Internet...)

Anyway, four things to deduce from this photo:

1.) She's lost weight.

2.) Not sure, but I don't expect she'll win an Emmy for this.

3.) Pretty sure the hair is fake, like that guy on "American Idol" (even looks like the same wig...hmmm). But what do I know about hair...

4.) There's no such thing as a book called "The Power of Me," which means she got the book at the same place she got the hair.

Don't you just love TV?

(Photo - and a good one - is by CBS's Monty Brinton.)

Remember "Idol Gives Back" last year - that HUGE one-night-only charity benefit that actually showed Simon doing something nice for someone? It's back, and almost before you know it: Fox just announced that Wednesday, April 9, is the day. But what's especially notable is the size - three-and-a-half hours, from 7:30 to 10 - and the size of the star list.

Yes, everybody who's anybody...or anybody who wants to be somebody...or somebody who's about to become somebody (or will eventually be somebody)...will be on hand. We're talking...Eli Manning, Bono, Brad Pitt, Reese Witherspoon, Miley Cyrus, Peyton Manning, Mariah Carey, Fergie, Chris Daughtry, Carrie Underwood, Annie Lennox, John Legend and Snoop Dogg...

It's making me tired just typing out this list...

Plus, Fox says there will be more stars! So many, one imagines, that people will forget to call in the toll-free number to contribute ten bucks to some cause.

Oh the charities - almost forgot about them. They are: The Children’s Defense Fund, The Global Fund, Make It Right, Malaria No More, Save The Children and the Children’s Health Fund.

(Mr. Super Bowl himself - above - will make an appearance on "IGB.")

Laurie Dhue - not to be confused with Jane Skinner, but if you did confuse the two, you'd be forgiven - is bolting Fox News Channel. Anyone who doesn't watch FNC would go right about now, "huh? so what?" but anybody who does will go, "huh! WHAT!" She's been a reasonably visible fixture on the channel that has essentially cornered the market on attractive blonds. There are exceptions - FNC has also "indefinitely" cut loose "Big Story with John Gibson," and as you accurately note, he is not an attractive blond. (He's not leaving FNC, but Eric Burns - longtime media critic - is.)

What's going on over at Fox News? Honestly, I'm not certain: It's always had this swaggering, biggest-baddest-dude-in-town attitude - all courtesy of Roger Ailes - but lately the dude feels pale and wan, like a pitcher who's just lost his devastating breaking ball and everyone on the opposing team knows it. (I'm into mixed metaphors today - just can't help it.)

Is Dhue's departure a huge deal? Of course not. People leave TV networks all the time...but it's still gotta make you wonder. TVnewser, which broke this over the weekend, got a statement out of Fox which says,"Unfortunately, we were unable to come to terms on a new agreement with Laurie. She has been a valued member of Fox News, and we wish her all the best in her future endeavors." (A spokeswoman who just called added nothing to this.) TVnewser added, "Since September she has been working as ombudswoman for The O'Reilly Factor for a segment called 'The Dhue Point.' In what would be her last installment Thursday night, Bill O'Reilly told Dhue, 'I hope you know, this is my favorite segment of the week.'"

It’s hard to comment on some of today’s St. Patrick’s Day-themed programming without seeming to make the same assumptions as the networks who scheduled the shows. So keep in mind that I’m only the messenger here in reporting that more than one channel seems to think the whole Irish identity comes down to – you guessed it – drinking.

The high-def folks at MOJO sent around press releases boasting about their St. Patrick’s Day salute being a 19-episode marathon of “Three Sheets” (2 p.m.-midnight March 17), Zane Lamprey's globetrotting travelogue of bars, pubs and alcohol offerings. Today's marathon makes stops at (in order) Belgium, Costa Rica, Wales, France, Jamaica, Mexico, Ireland, Belize, Croatia, Japan, Czech Republic, Philippines, Venice, Taipei, Munich, Puerto Rico, South Korea, Kentucky and finally New York City.

Even the History channel is in the drink, using St. Patrick’s Day to premiere a new “Modern Marvels” (8 p.m. March 17) hour about whiskey. Their cameras visit the makers of Jack Daniel’s, Jim Beam, Canadian Club, Jameson's and Glenlivet.

Check out History’s St. Patrick’s Day history, quiz, recipes and videos here. See "Three Sheets" video here.

It's St. Patrick's Day today, but it also marks the 113th birthday of Shemp Howard, who for many folks is their Stooge of choice.

Let's toast Shemp here with a clip from the 1947 short, "Sing a Song of Six Pants." (Sorry, but it's the colorized version.)

Just finally catching up to this (old) news from last week, but Defamer had a particularly intriguing account of David Caruso's on-set behavior at "CSI." What's amazing to me - why has Forest Hills-own DC been on good behavior for so long? Or maybe no one's paid attention, which seems highly unlikely? I'll never forget DC's exit from "NYPD Blue" - in a blaze of bad karma, as he sought an early out from his contract to get into "serious" acting on the big screen. Show-runners were furious, while his co-actors felt both betrayed and deeply grateful (a curious feeling no doubt) because he was such an incredibly difficult guy to work with, or as someone put it to me, "he sucks all the oxygen out of the room..." But karma's karma and after DC's "Jade" and "Kiss of Death" tanked, he had to get back into TV. But he got smart, avoided a Don Johnson-type rep, kept his head down and made "CSI: Miami" one of TV's biggest hits. But what does this bad press (all of a sudden) mean?

I never learn. Never ever... I know full well that Kristi Yamaguchi should easily win this season's (the sixth already; how time flies) "Dancing with the Stars" but by so saying, I know now that she won't. Just because she's a world-class athlete? Has performed in a thousand ice shows? Knows how to work audiences? Has a gifted pro by her side (Mark Ballas?)

I'm onto your game, "Dancing." Won't be fooled again. Know you always like to put in a "can't miss" contestant, just to EMBARRASS me when I post my odds, and just to make everyone think, "oh, it's over already..."

It isn't. Simply consider - the odds are far in favor of a guy winning.

Anyway, here are my odds. (This is a repeat of those published in today's paper, so if you've seen 'em already, sorry...)

Adam Carolla/Julianne Hough: "The Man Show" man, and LA radio personality. Amusing fellow though, one wonders, how will this act play with the predominantly female voting base? Odds: 24:1.

Cristian de La Fuente/Cheryl Burke: Chilian actor, and VERY ugly. Plenty of U.S.TV exposure but low name recognition. That could hurt, but not too much. Also, shades of Helio? Also, Cheryl; I believe she's a two-time winner, and after getting stuck with last season's comic relief (Wayne Newton) probably wants to step into winner's circle again. Odds: 7:1.

Shannon Elizabeth/Derek Hough: Actress ("Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back") and, I hear, a pretty good poker player. But will she rate here? Unlikely - guys usually (in fact, just about always) win. Odds: 25:1.

Steve Guttenberg/Anna Trebunskaya: Most of us remember Steve back when he was famous ("Diner," et al.) But what have you done for us lately Steve? He's head of something called the Guttenberg House which helps foster kids. Ladies will LOVE that. But this feels like a Mark Cuban kinda entry; he's serious but probably doesn't expect a win. Odds: 8-1.

Mario/Karina Smirnoff: Ah, youth. Mario's 21 and also very ugly. Best known of the male celebs here, although demo that watches this show (post 35-year-olds) will think Mario is some kind of an Italian guy. He knows how to rap, but dance? Can probably learn pretty easy if he doesn't. Odds: 10-1.

Marlee Matlin/Fabian Sanchez: Plenty 'o TV exposure, but missing that one...big...break (since "Children of a Lesser God.") She's one of my favorites to go far. Odds: 5:1.

Penn Jillette/Kym Johnson: Great to have PJ here; he'll add that rare caustic element. Also, I can hardly wait for "DWST" to start showing outtakes from "P&T;: Bull&%$@!" or "The Aristocrats." Odds: 200:1.

Priscilla Presley/Louis Van Amstel: She's in that sweet spot, demographically, with vast name recognition. Love her chances to go far, but not into winners' circle. Odds: 7:1.

Monica Seles/Jonathan Roberts: Youth and athleticism and (of course) winner's spirit. But I just don't think voters'll go all the way for her. Odds: 10:1.

Jason Taylor/Edyta Sliwinska: The Dolphins?! (Gulp.) But like Mario and Cristian, he's very VERY ugly. That said, I like his chances best of all the guys. Odds: 4:1.

Marissa Jaret Winokur/Tony Dovolani: Love the thought of Tracy Turnblad winning "DWTS." She's a very good actress too, which counts for a great deal on "DWTS." Odds: 6:1.

Kristi Yamaguchi/Mark Ballas: On paper (and maybe on-screen), KY is unbeatable. Forget the skating championships - millions of them - it's the ice show tours that give her such a huge edge here. She makes it to the final two, unless she's done in by that "why vote for her because she's so good" syndrome, which did in Sabrina Bryan last year. Can a woman win this show (ever again)? That's the big question. Odds: 3:1.

Let's give the end of the working week an appropriate sendoff today with a song that's been playing in my head since, oh, 9 a.m. Monday morning. (And maybe it's been playing in yours, too.)

From the spring of 1967, check out The Easybeats, one of the coolest bands to come out of Down Under, and their biggest hit, "Friday on My Mind."

While my esteemed colleague Verne Gay was taking down names on “Lost” last night, I was taking down numbers.

Sun’s visit to Jin’s (flash-forward) grave revealed a death date on his tombstone, which you could still-frame to read as 9-22-2004 -- the date “Lost” premiered and the date given for the Oceanic 815 crash. So it seems likely Jin didn’t “survive” after all. (Besides, as The Captain on Daddy Widmore’s boat said, all the passengers are “dead,” right? Unless Benjamin Linus had easy access to 300+ substitute corpses. Although knowing Ben . . . )

Another interesting note: While Sun [Yunjin Kim in ABC photo, left] was flashing forward to the delivery of daughter Ji Yeon, husband Jin was busy flashing back to the early days of their marriage. The producers were sneaky -- sure did seem he was buying that giant panda for her while racing to the birth hospital -- but it was actually pretty obvious from the start. Did you get a gander of that GIGANTIC cell phone Jin was carrying? Sooo archaic. Must have been four years old! (Was that the series’ first simultaneously interwoven flash forward/back?)

And whassup with Hurley? The big guy seems to be making the rounds of the farflung Oceanic 6 survivors, serving as the connecting link between them all. Or -- wait a minute -- is that really the real Hurley? Hurley/Hugo? Double-life dude? Doppleganger? Ben Linus turned shapeshifter? And what about Naomi? (Just threw that in for vintage “Electric Company” viewers.)

Sneak a peek at next week here. Or rewatch last night’s episode.

Another big night on "Lost" (and aren't all you non-"Losties" out there totally amused by the navel lint-picking we "Losties" continually engage in? Sorry but no apologies forthcoming...):

I do believe we finally have the full tally of our Oceanic Six - those who "survived" the crash of 815, were rescued, and became (in the future) almost as famous as Britney Spears. They are...

Sun (revealed last night)

Jack

Kate

Hurley

Sayid

Aaron (this being Claire's baby.)

Now, we have to wait to see whether this list will be formally confirmed, but Darlton (Damon Lindelof/Carlton Cuse) said in an interview in TV Guide recently that they will do so after the March 13 episode; that was last night, so we await confirmation. Meanwhile, the identity of Aaron as a O 6 is possibly debatable, because Jin could also have been one of the O 6, who just happened to die after he was rescued.

Whatever. The joy of lint-picking.

Now, what's the significance of all this? Honestly, I don't have a clue. But...these six do appear to all be members of those who stayed with Jack (except for Hurley and arguably Kate; oh dear.)

Also, does Ben count? That's an interesting question because he clearly does get off the Island, but clearly not considered an O 6 member.

Oh, yes, how could I forget: Michael Dawson - Harold Perrineau - finally returned last night. We haven't seen him of course since he sailed off into the sunset with Walt.) He was swabbing the deck, so to speak, and quite clearly is Ben's plant on the freighter.

Ah, "Lost" lint-picking. Almost as good as the first cup of coffee in the ayem.

Miranda Cosgrove...Miranda Cosgrove...Miranda Cosgrove...

It's an amazing thing about this name. You put it in a blog, and like magic, your blog suddenly gets a million hits. And since my sole purpose in life is "click through," then...once again, "Miranda Cosgrove."

Who is Miranda Cosgrove? Oh puhlease.

If you have to ask, then move along. You must have better things to do. But if you've gotten this far, then you are absolutely reading this blog with bated breath because Miranda Cosgrove, 14, is only the BIGGEST 'TWEEN ACTRESS on the planet, and her Nick show, "iCarly," is seen by something like 100 million kids, and since they're the only ones that seem to use the Internet, then, excuse me, but I just have to mention the name one more time, Miranda Cosgrove. Plus, she was on "School of Rock," and "Drake and Josh."

Anyway - I know you want to strangle me - but here's the deal. I interviewed her about four hours ago. It was the highlight of my day. She's very nice, smart, has a very cute giggle, talks very fast, and I think she speaks English; you can't be entirely certain with these 'tweens.

So, here's the big news: There are going to be TWO "Drake and Josh" movies. The first one is "Drake and Josh in New York," and other one will be "Drake and Josh at Christmas." (Don't hold me to the titles; the first one is in pre-production, the other still in even earlier stages.) Super-duper kids producer, Dan Schneider, is doing both.

Who's Drake (Bell) and who's Josh (Peck)...Oh puhlease. If you have to ask...Etc.

More news: Josh Peck is expected to direct an episode of "ICarly" next season (they start taping the new season in May.) Plus, Miranda Cosgrove is going to star in both movies.

Whatever happened to Nick megahit, "D and J?" Says Miranda (Cosgrove), "little kids always ask, 'are there going to be new episodes,' and I usually say, 'there's a few more.'" She doesn't want to hurt their feelings and tell them it ended production well over a year ago.

What's she gonna do at the Kids' Choice Awards? (March 29, 8 p.m.) "Present, but I don't know what..."

What's she been doing with her time since she's not taping "iCarly?" "I've been playing a lot of 'Guitar Hero;' I'm on medium."

What's her favorite show? "'American Idol'...but missed the last couple weeks." Oh, yeah, she loves going to the mall.

What's new on next season's "iCarly?" "Some more love interests..."

Does she miss Drake and Josh? "Oh yes...they're like brothers."

What'll Josh be like when he directs?

"He'll be bossy."

Thank you Miranda Cosgrove. (And "iCarly.") I can hear the clicking already...

(Above, MC, with Tom Higgenson of the Plain White T's.)

On Tuesday night's "American Idol," presumptive front-runner David Archuleta butchered the Beatles' 1965 hit (via Stevie Wonder's 1971 version) "We Can Work It Out".

Wednesday night, he was -- not surprisingly -- rewarded for his puerile efforts by being voted safe for another week.

As Randy might say, check it out, dawg, here's the way the song really should be performed:

Rocco DiSpirito? What in the world was he doing on the premier of Top Chef’s fourth season? He isn’t from Chicago, has no connection to pizza (deep-dish or otherwise) and hasn’t got any new products to promote. His appearance on Top Chef last season coincided with the launch of Bertolli Mediterranean-Style Frozen Dinners (remember the tragic “create-your-own-frozen-entrée” tie-in challenge?) but Bertolli products were no where in evidence in the Top Chef kitchen, nor in the commercials that punctuated the show’s segments.

“He’s a rock star in the culinary world,” commented chef Mark Simmons, a Hobbit-coiffed kiwi who was perhaps interred inside some New Zealand mountain while DiSpirito was disgracing himself on the reality show The Restaurant.

Nevertheless, Rocco looked good (not quite so…plumped..as he had last time out) and acquitted himself honorably. I had hoped for some fireworks between him and fellow judge Anthony Bourdain since the latter has been tirelessly slagging off on the former for years, calling him a “‘thatsa speecy, spicy meatball!’ shill-for-hire and ex-reality show personality” and observing that “Rocco DiSpirito has really raised the bar for what I consider grotesque.” But the two sat on opposite ends of the judges’ table and made nice, to one another at least.

The contestants (cheftestants, in Bravo-ese) this time around do look like a talented bunch. Uniondale native Richard Blais, a big-time chef in Atlanta, was actually on Iron Chef last year, competing against—and losing to—Mario Batali in Battle Chickpea. Check out his career path here.

His self-selected rival, the profane and hyperkinetic Andrew D’Ambrosi, is a sous-chef at Manhattan’s Le Cirque. I liked his description of his creative process: “It’s like molten ****ing lava pouring out of you.”

Even though it was poor Nimma who was sent packing, the tragedy of the night was Ryan’s chicken piccata. Desperately dredging up childhood piccata memories—which called to his mind mashed potatoes and rice—he came up with a dish that was neither tasty, nor interesting, nor piccata. Where, I wondered, did this guy spend his childhood?

Los Banos, California, it turns out. Pop: 35,211 and located about two hours from San Francisco, Oakland and Sacramento. In other words, two hours away from a proper Italian restaurant. The Italian pickings in Los Banos right now include Domino’s, Pizza Hut, Little Caesar’s, Me-N’-Ed’s Pizzeria, Mountain Mike’s Pizza and Perry’s More Than Pizza.

The restaurant reviewer on the town’s online forum, OurLosBanos.com (“A Positive Community Resource”) practically wet himself a few months ago over the opening of M & M Italian Restaurant where the owner "pointed out several things that they specialized in, one of which was the chicken piccata. I decided to give that a whirl having no idea what it was but it sounded good from his description.”

Apparently, piccata-ignorance is rampant in Los Banos. But that may be coming to an end. “I must tell you," the reviewer continued, "that I have raved about the Chicken Piccata for about 3 days now... it was THAT GOOD.”

Not that M&M; is a perfect dining experience. “There are some minor downsides however and a couple of these fall under the 'breaking in' period that restaurants go through that we spoke of at the beginning of this review. First when it came time to pay, our credit card was taken out of the building and down to the Buy & Save market.”

A word from our sponsors: Kenmore is apparently out; GE Monogram ovens were prominently featured. As was Whole Foods.

Here's how the world works: You do something really notorious - say, become a prostitute and unwittingly become the instrument by which you unseat the sleazebag governor of New York - and then you look to cash in. In the olden days, you'd first line up the "respectable" interview with Babs Walters. You'd cry a little. Confess a little. Babs would ask you about stains on dresses, and you'd have to deal with that too.

Then...straight to the bank! Absolved by Babs, your agent could then score you a book deal, a magazine deal (one of those pay-for-play profiles in some very thick glossy), and best of all: The TV deal. That might be a full-blown series (reality of course) in an ideal world.

But like I said. Those are the old days. In these days, you head straight to TV, and cash the check fast. So, who's bidding for Kristen/Ashley? NBC News or ABC News? They - of course - couldn't pay outright for the interview, but they could "hire" Kristen/Ashley as a "consultant," who could offer on-air "opinions" about the Luv Guv. (I rule out CBS only because I don't think they'll come up with the necessary change.)

Or...will be it be "Extra" or "Access Hollywood?" My money, ahem, is on "AC" because as part of the NBC Universal empire, NBC can offer "Access," "Nightly News," maybe a cameo on "The Office" and a reality show (it would be offered, but probably never air.)

But I'm getting ahead of myself. I always do. Here's the news. A website - I'm assuming a reputable one because the very reputable TVNewser says it's got creds - claims "Extra" is already offering $100,000 for the interview.

Let the bidding begin!

(Hey, wasn't Babs spotted camping outside Kristen's apartment bldg last night?)

It's now official: Former strippers CAN'T win "American Idol." Producers have to be happy about last night's results; Coke has to be happy too; as I think I pointed out before, "The Coke Side of Life" does not, under normal circumstances, include lap dancing. And most viewers - certainly the granny vote - aren't gonna warm to this past, ummm, vocation either. So it goes.

Oh, and how DID Coke - AI's most important sponsor by far - feel about our departee? Go to "American Idol's" site and check out the "behind the scenes" photo slide-show "Presented by Coke:" Not one, I repeat, there is not one shot of Hernandez (he appears off to the side in one picture). But there are half a dozen out of twenty with Brooke and Kristy.

Coke may not "cast a vote," but it's a more important presence on this show than any judge (Simon included) or producer. Money talks on TV, and Coke is the biggest money of all. They wanted Hernandez gone.

Nevertheless....nevertheless, Hernandez deserved another shot. Maybe another two shots. He massacred "Saw Her Standing There" on Tuesday, but oddly enough, did a pretty good rendition during the exit routine. He was a very good singer, and up until Tuesday, was maybe a top-sixer. But here's the thing: This top twelve - now eleven - is so good that one bad turn (with the exception of Archie) means that just about anyone can land in the bottom three week to week. David just happened to pick a bad time to be bad.

Gone. Too bad.

As the big-time eliminations on “American Idol” begin again, here come cable’s “AI” dissection shows.

Wednesdays at 8 (starting March 12), TV Guide Network brings back its highest-rated original series, “Idol Tonight,” hosted by former contenders Kimberly Caldwell and Justin Guarini.

Fox Reality Channel’s “American Idol Extra” returns for a third season Thursday at 7 p.m. (March 13), with new ex-“AI”er cohosts Constantine Maroulis and Gina Glocksen.

TVG’s “Idol Tonight” promises interviews with show cast and crew, along with Idol Flashbacks on auditioners and contestants, Where Are They Now update segments, and Idol Worship viewer questions asked of current contenders.

Fox Reality’s “American Idol Extra” (which has the advantage of being produced by “AI” production companies FremantleMedia and 19 Entertainment) kicks off this week by presenting the ultratalented Melinda Doolittle [right] -- but also William Hung [photo below], singing “Achy Breaky Heart” (oh, my achy breaky ears). Watch/hear a preview, if you dare, at this link.

As promised, I've checked back in - or at least one of my informed readers has. (And ALL of my readers are informed, I'm happy to say.) In any event, I got this very interesting response to my boffo review of this ayem. No name given - just "B," who (I reasonably but perhaps unrealistically assume, does NOT work for ABC or CBS). Like I said, I'm gonna keep checking back in, and what I viewed this morning was/is stunning, and I stand by what I said. But let's go to "B," who says he/she has been on the Beta version "for months," and let him/her tell you in his/her own words:

"I have to disagree [with the Gay Guy's boffo review.] Ive been using the hulu beta for a few months. As of yesterday, to me, Hulu is the opposite of amazing. It's just another site where it's hit or miss what you can get...'The illusion of totality' is dead on, even an understatement:

Only about three of the top 20 shows of the year are available, and of the three, one is already available on ABC.com and the other is 'Deal or No Deal.' Most of the other available current shows like ,'The Office' and '30 Rock', are also already available on their network sites - so redundant..(and the hulu ads I find almost identical to and just as annoying as ABC's...)

Very few good cable shows are on there...Only current seasons of 'today's hits' are available (see 'The Office,' 'Heroes,' 'Prison Break'....and again, some are already on the network sites) .... And often, only a few episodes of said current season (check out availablity of 'Monk' or 'Psych' or 'ER') are online.

There is a HUGE array of crappy reality shows.

Older shows are available in limited doses, and it's the same stuff you find elsewhere online, sometimes for free.

Shows advertised as being on there, like 'Damages,' aren't. Others hyped are only available in clip form. 'Special Victims Unit,' for example. Ah, the ol bait and switch!

And the clips? Clips are everywhere. Who cares about clips for a tv drama?

To me, it seems like the networks are still being stingy with their top shows. Hulu is hyp-o."

Here's a late breaking program note (directed to all of us who cannot get enough of the Luv Guv story, like me) - CNBC has a special tonight at 8 that'll take an especially close look at his Sherman's March through Wall Street (which was, after all, the stuff that got him elected in the first place.) It's called "The Rise and Fall of Eliot Spitzer: A CNBC Special," anchored by Dylan Ratigan, with additional stuff from Charlie Gasparino (who has covered the Luv Guv), Michelle Caruso-Cabrera, and others..

I'm moving late today, friends. The web here has been the very devil. So apologies for getting this pretty old news to you so late - but BLTN (better late than...)

CC announced its development slate this ayem, and a whole bunch of new stuff is a'coming, but if its celeb stuff you're into, then here's some of the more high-profile: There's an untitled Snoop Dogg animated show, about SN as a 15 year-old in Long Beach, Ca; an Andy Richter sketch show, still no title, exec produced by Kent Alterman ("A History of Violence"); and..."David Alan Grier's Chocolate News," which in the words of the CC release, is "a fake magazine show hosted by the 'In Living Color' alum that covers inherently urban pop culture topics."

(Above, DAG is fake news anchor.)

Can wait no longer for your Charlie Sheen fix? Good news! Read on - and lest I bury my lede, I do believe this is the FIRST fresh product off the assembly line since the strike ended:

CBS sitcoms are all back this Monday, and the network just released some program notes:

8:00 PM – THE BIG BANG THEORY – When Sheldon and Leonard are invited to present their joint findings at a physics conference, Sheldon refuses, and Penny steps in to mediate … only deepening the rift between the two best friends.

8:30 PM – HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER – On St. Patrick’s Day, Ted takes a page from Barney’s book and lives like there’s no tomorrow.

9:00 PM – TWO AND A HALF MEN – Charlie coaches Alan on the best way to break up with a woman.

9:30 PM – THE NEW ADVENTURES OF OLD CHRISTINE – New episodes continue with Christine trying to prove to Barb that for once in her life she can finally complete something that she sets out to do.

Tough night tonight.

Who is gone?

Who DESERVES to be gone?

Anyway, here are my weekly odds, adjusted as we go. (Odds, by the way, reflect chances of eviction tonight.) Answers below:

David Archuleta: I'm a lover of counter-intuitive logic and therefore will say right now - Archie had a great Beatles night. Great because he bastardized "We Can Work it Out?" No, because he thus proved that he is fallible. Again, you never want to be infallible on this show, or at least until that moment you're crowned. He's human! He forgets words! He's not perfect! He's still the frontrunner, but he won't be if he screws up next next week. Odds: 2:1.

Jason Castro: Not a particularly memorable performance ("If I Fell"), but still a memorable guy. He's safe tonight. Odds: 5:1

Chikeze: For some reason, Chicky remains low on the popularity poll (if TV Guide's weekly power rankings are to be believed.) He probably won't win "Idol," but after last night's "She's a Woman," he's a lock - to continue. Odds: 4:1.

David Cooke: Forget about moving on to next week; he could win the whole dang thing. (3:1.)

Kristy Lee Cook: The perfect illustration of why Sony and MJ (Michael Jackson) have zealously protected this song book - that someone would take a standard and turn it into something not only unrecognizable but actually ghastly. "Eight Days a Week" - I'll never listen to it the same way again. But Paula made a rare blunder last night wen she revealed that KLC has a "huge" following. In other words, Paula knows the numbers, and she knows KLC is safe. Maybe. After last night, that's not a sure bet. Odds: 25:1.

David Hernadez: What the..??!! This is not the stage of the competition where you screw up. This is the stage of the competition where you get better, or turn up the gas, or do something to prove to viewers that you deserve to go on to the next round. DH actively encouraged viewers to NOT vote for him. A neat trick.He's in the bottom two tonight. Odds: 50:1.

Michael Lee Johns: He was better than the judges (Paula of course loved him) gave him credit for being. Not boring at all ("Across the Universe") but engaging. He remains safe. Odds: 7:1.

Ramiele Malubay: I still like her but I fear fans do not, or fear they have no idea who she is, or why they should vote for her. Tonight, Ramiele leaves. Odds: 100:1.

Syesha Mercado: Solid "Got to Get You Into My Life." Why doesn't she get more press? I'm confounded. Se's darned good, and at least deserves to move forward. And...will. Odds: 14:1.

Amanda Overmyer: Personality deficient, refuses to sell herself to the judges. That'll work against her in the long-run. But after Chicky, this was the best John/Paul of the night. Odds: 12:1.

Carly Smithson: "Who's that Irish girl?" asked Simon. Good Lord! The man's got senioritis already! How could he forget? Carly's worry has to be that others have forgotten who she is too. Please, please, please...Carly HAS to move on. (Plus, I want a professinal to win "Idol" so that this show can go into contortions trying to explain why it's still an amateur competition. Odds: 10:1.

Brooke White: My own personal dark horse. I actually thought her "Let it Be" was only OK, but it's what she does after the song; dabbing an eye and thanking the audience without affectation. I assure you, millions of others were dabbing their eyes too - as they dialed in her vote. Odds: 4:1.

Steve Guttenberg will be very much with us again soon. Starting Monday, he's one of the celebs making fools of themselves on the new season of "Dancing with the Stars."

The North Massapequa native may be best known for his movie work, but he's done some TV as well.

Dig this clip of "No Soap, Radio," Guttenberg's short-lived (very short lived, like one month) 1982 series set at a seedy hotel in Atlantic City. And be prepared for a scene with Jerry Stiller in drag! -- that's even better than the time he was caught wearing the mansier on "Seinfeld"!

And, no, I don't know what language this clip's subtitles are in. German? Dutch? Danish? Any thoughts? Bueller? Bueller?

By George, I think they've got it.

In fact, take "I think" out. They've got it: The most important development, maybe, in the whole history of web TV launched a few hours ago, and for once, the hype is justified. Hulu is amazing. Simple. Elegant. Dynamic. And vast.

Hundreds of shows, movies, clips - thousands of hours. Enough to fill, or waste, a whole lifetime. I am blown away by Hulu.

Now, please keep in mind - this is a first impression, and I'll check back later in the day when the servers are being overloaded by millions of viewers; that's where the rubber meets the road for sites like this. But I've gotta imagine NBC and Fox have anticipated this, too.

What is "Hulu?" The omnibus site created by Fox and NBC, featuring (most) of their shows plus many classics, and a vast amount of other stuff as well. Like the ABC and CBS sites, you'll get current episodes, and the full season as well. But, alas, Hulu makes their (nice) episode sites feel clunky and a little moldy.

Yes, there's advertising here, but in a funny way, you'll almost welcome it. "So this is the price to pay...?" Big deal. Worth it. An example: I picked, for no particular reason, the pilot episode of the classic "Firefly." You get a choice - either the full trailer for "Leatherhead," or "regular commercial interruptions" (which, like at, say, ABC, involves a 30-second spot at the outset.) If you pick "Leatherhead," then no other commercials.

Again, an insignificant price to pay.

Hulu gives the illusion of totality, but it is an illusion. I don't (for example) believe I saw any episodes of "American Idol," though "1 vs. 100" is here. What's the logic for inclusion on Hulu? I'm not sure it's evident, and I'm not sure I care either. "Idol" isn't going to be here, of course, because Fox already has a lucrative deal with iTunes. So what. We can live with that. And besides, YouTube and Idolstalker already have this show covered thoroughly.

A quick note on screen quality: It's generally adequate. The actual video screen will fill about a quarter of your's, and it's surrounded by clutter of various sorts, some of it distracting. Naturally, you'll then click on "full screen." Under normal circumstances, "full screen" can be a ticket to on-line hell, with either horrific quality or a frozen hard drive. Not here: Full screen resolution is pretty good, and I had no technical problems to speak of.

As mentioned, I'll check back later, but you should check it out now. Hulu is amazing. I promise.

Here's last night's top ten. Couldn't wait to share (P.S. This one's inspired):

"Messages Left on Eliot Spitzer’s Answering Machine"

10. “Hey, what’s new?”

9. “It’s Barack Obama. Remember our conversation about being my running mate? Never mind.”

8. “Ralph Nader here. Glad to hear I’m not the only politician who has to pay for it.”

7. “Hi, I’m calling from the ‘New York Post.’ Would you rather be known as ‘Disgraced Governor Perv’ or ‘Humiliated Whore Fiend’?”

6. “This is John McCain. If it makes you feel better, I once got caught having sex with Lincoln’s wife.”

5. “It’s Dr. Phil. Call me if you need any horse**** advice.”

4. “This is Sen. Larry Craig. Do you ever go through the Minneapolis airport?”

3. “It’s Wolf Blitzer. Call me if you ever want a hot Spitzer-Blitzer three-way.”

2. “Paris Hilton here. I would have done it for free.”

1. “It’s Arnold Schwarzenegger. Thanks, I’m no longer America’s creepiest governor.”

It's a beautiful world. New York's Luv Guv consorts with hookers and Mary Ann of "Gilligan's Island" scores some Maui Wowie and HAS TO DO TIME.

Or, a three hour tour, as the AP account of this tragedy so amusingly notes. Here's the story if you - like me - have been brain-dead to this huge development that broke late afternoon:

"A surprise birthday party for Dawn Wells, the actress who played Mary Ann on 'Gilligan's Island,' ended with a nearly three-hour tour of the Teton County sheriff's office and jail when the 69-year-old was caught with marijuana in her vehicle while driving home.

Wells is now serving six months' unsupervised probation for the crime. She was sentenced Feb. 29 to five days in jail, fined $410.50 and placed on probation after pleading guilty to one count of reckless driving. "

CNBC has had an interesting day thanks to a.) incredible stock run-up; and b.) Spitzer's red-light follies; and c.) Betsy McCaughey Ross and Charlie Gasparino.

First, this morning, Roslyn Height's own Ken Langone - who was one of the backers/founders of Home Depot - got off this poison arrow at New York's own Hot Pillow Luv Guv (and repeated on-air widely throughout the day: "We all have our own private hells. I hope his private hell is hotter than anybody else's.")

But a little less known is this amusing clip featuring CNBC ace correspondent (and former Newsday reporter) Charles Gasparino filleting former Lieut. Guv Betsy McCaughey Ross. It's quite a spectacle, and Betsy ends up in a total "well, I NEVER...!" (I think she said something like, "I have never seen anyone so rude...") All the other CNBC folks had to apologize and tell poor scandalized McCaughey, "that's our Charlie!" (Note to self: Be nice to Charlie, or never do on-air interview with Charlie...)

Gov. Eliot Spitzer's new-found identity as "Client 9" inspired this post today.

When we first heard "Client 9," what came to our heads immediately was "number 9... number 9... number 9..." from the Beatles' "Revolution 9," easily the weirdest and most annoying song on the 1968 "White Album."

We can't get you a clip of the Fab 4 performing that song (it's unlikely they ever did it live, anyway), but here's a really cool tribute to "Rev 9" re-imagined as a flat-out rocker, circa 1963.

"Hulu!?" "Hulu!?" "Hulu!?" "Hulu!" "Hulu!?"

You're probably asking yourself, "What's this Gay guy babbling about now?"

I'll tell you what I'm babbling about: Only the most exciting, interesting, anticipated development in Web TV in my whole life, or at least since the advent of YouTube. That's what I'm babbling about. And no, the backers of Hulu - NBC and Fox - haven't even paid me to say this.

Hulu starts tomorrow, or just about...ohhh, fifteen hours from now...and in my limited knowledge of the matter, there's nothing else quite like it on TV, or the Web, or whatever. Streaming episodes of thousands of shows, and free, baby, free. (Yeah, Joost, I guess, promises some of the same, but not in this volume.)

Don't bother going to the site - it doesn't tell you much - but I can tell you that if you have a computer and you have broadband, then this will be a pretty extraordinary thing, assuming it's not a disaster of monumental proportions. Even though I've bought into the hype, I don't think it will be a disaster.

Here's why: There's too much at stake. One false move, one unending buffer, one insurmountable firewall, one busted real-time transport control protocol - I don't have a clue what I just said, but it sounds good, doesn't it? - and Hulu will be re-named BooBoo.

But it won't happen. Fox and NBC may be many things - but not stupid.

What will we/you get from Hulu? Two hundred TV shows. NCAA basketball games going back deep into the 20th century. There'll be advertising of course - that's why it's free - but in an intriguing, and methinks clever, departure, you'll be able to choose which ad you want to see. Banners will always be cluttering up the screen.But so what: THAT EPISODE OF "BEVERLY HILLS 90210" THAT YOU JUST HAVE TO SEE WILL BE THERE!

ABC and CBS remain hold-outs to this point, and yeah - those are pretty big holes. But if Hulu's a big hit, they'll probably join up too. Of course, at some point, you'll be saying - hey, no reason to watch a network show at all anymore. Just watch it on Hulu. (And you think newspapers have troubles? The networks are laying the groundwork for their own demise.)

(Above: Gaga over Hulu. Soon, will we all just watch TV's Greatest Show on the computer instead of the TV?)

If you - like me - have recovered sufficiently from the absolute gobsmackery of this afternoon's news, then you (like me) have been wondering: What did Bill and Lou do? (And while I'm at it, what does Jeanine Pirro to have to say. And how about Karl Rove? Wouldn't it be interesting to hear what KR has to say about Client 9?)

Bill, as in Bill O'Reilly, who is not a Spitzer supporter at least in this universe and had his own interesting indiscretions in years gone by, and "Lou," as in Dobbs, who is an outright, no-holds-barred, Spitzer antagonist.

All this should make for good TV, and - I'm happy to report - there's been some pretty good TV tonight.

Let's start with Lou. A year or so ago, he clashed violently with Spitzer over latter's brief support of giving driver's licenses to illegals. Lou blew a stack, used Spitz to drive ratings, and Spitz - who quickly learned that you don't pick a fight with someone who has a TV network for a bullhorn - backed down, or so Lou said.

So, tonight, would Lou gloat? Would Lou smile that wonderfully wicked Great White Shark smile of his? Yes, on all counts! Although...Dobbs was also pretty constrained, by his standards, and even referred to the "alleged" allegations, and this "alleged" business about the "alleged" Client # 9. Of course, Lou had that look of withering disgust as only Lou can achieve - especially as he noted how Spitzer's approval rating dropped all the way down to 25 percent after their public run-in, or "that episode," per Lou.

Bill: This was a pretty good edition of "Factor," with guests who included the always astute Ellis Henican of Newsday. Ellis laid Spitzer's extraordinary fall to "hubris - the rules don't apply to me." Bill O said it all part of a "death wish...He wanted to get caught."

(My thought: They're BOTH right.)

And there was much, more more. On to "Hannity & Colmes," and who should appear but none other than Jeanine Pirro - onetime Republican canon fodder against Hill. (Both of whom have had their own share of husband issues.) Pirro, re Spitzer's poor wife, Silda: "When something like this happens in politics, you are shell-shocked. You gotta catch your breath."

Jeannine looked like she knew what she was talking about.

Sean had a pretty good line (or at least I think it was Sean): "My wife told me if this ever happens to me, she's holding her own news conference."

Karl Rove, Bush's Brain, then turned up. He looked to the camera and said, "It's very sad...Very, very sad."

I could almost swear when he said this, he was smiling.

Meanwhile, I now see that Dick Morris is on the air. No one's asking him about prostitutes. I wonder why...

(Above: Why are all these guys so happy?)

Is this for REAL? By "this," I mean the breaking news that Britney Spears has signed on for a CBS sitcom.

(Forget about Client 9, in other words. This is the big news.)

No finer an authority that Pink is the New Blog is reporting this, and professional courtesy obliges me to give credit, while E! has gone ahead and confirmed. Here's the story:

She will guest-star in a future episode of "How I Met Your Mother" (no airdate yet, but I'm sure you'll hear about that the minute it's decided.) It'll air at the beginning of May sweeps (where else? the end, maybe.)

Here's what PITNB says: "I am dying y'all! I just found out from a source that Britney Spears is scheduled to appear on an upcoming episode of the hit CBS show How I Met Your Mother. I was just informed that Britney showed up at the FOX Studios lot this morning with only her agent in tow to sit down with the cast of the show for the episode read-thru." Etc. No other details.

Now, before y'all get exercised, and say, "how can CBS exploit that poor insane girl," (as I did), keep in mind a.) she is an adult. b.) This is an easy gig. c.) She'll get paid and pay for lawyers and such. d.) Keep her mind off all of her other troubles. e.) Maybe put her on the road to a brand new career.

This sitcom deal isn't as bad as it sounds.

E! found out she'll play someone named Abby who works in Ted's (Josh Radnor) office.

(Above, Brit may be on the road to a new career.)

Tucker Carlson - sure, you know the name, although dollars to (a million) donuts, you don't watch his show - has been shunted aside at MSNBC. In his place, David Gregory has just been named to take over as anchor of a new nightly 6 p.m. show called "Race to the White House."

Gregory: He's the White House fixture and up-and-comer at NBC, believed to be VERY ambitious, and some (his agent!) have suggested he might one day get a big, fat, meaty role at "Today," when Matt Lauer decides to golf full time. (Potential "Today" anchor material? I doubt it very seriously, but ya never know...The guy is particularly good on his feet, and the "Today" interviews he does, many over the years, are solid and smart and occasionally tough.)

What happened to TC? I'm guessing the usual - horrible ratings. The Gregory show is certainly blessed by good timing because all that anyone seems to be talking about these days - besides "is Archie really that sweet and innocent?" - is "Obama or Hill?"

And more news from MS:"Countdown" Keith Olbermann, who's been pretty much the key go-to all-'round anchor guy in Secaucus in recent years, will have his 8 p.m show double-pumped at 10; Andrea Mitchell, NBC News veteran/chief foreign affairs reporter (and married to the Man who Used to be King, AKA, Alan Greenspan) will anchor weekdays at 1 p.m.; and...Dan Abrams' "Live with ..." show is no more, and will instead by re-branded as "Verdict with DA." That'll air weeknights at 9.

All of this is effective next week.

Fans of “The L Word” get one more go-round. Showtime announced this morning it’s renewing the hot drama for a sixth and final season, with production resuming this summer. Expect eight concluding episodes in early 2009.

"We are enormously proud of the legacy of ‘The L Word,’ a groundbreaking series that well surpassed its niche as a gay show," says Showtime program chief Bob Greenblatt. "The title of the show became part of the lexicon, and the breadth and reach of the characters and storylines are a testament to the talent of [series creator] Ilene Chaiken and her incredible cast.”

Season 5 episodes of "The L Word" continue to premiere Sundays at 9 p.m.

Remember "The Saint?"

Of course you do. That was the '60s Brit series that gave U.S. viewers their first look at Roger Moore, who played the title character, a dapper adventurer named Simon Templar.

Well, "Saint" fans out there, here's some good news: The show is coming back, thanks to producers Tom Fontana and Barry Levinson. The Hollywood Repoter says the duo is cooking up a pilot with James Purefoy (not to be confused with soul singer James Purify, half of the brother duo who sang the 1966 hit "I'm Your Puppet") in the title role.

While we're waiting for that show to materialize, check out the opening credits from the '60s "Saint."

TV news people love to talk and here's what the dears are talking about at CBS News, right now at this very minute: That Rick Kaplan, "Evening News" executive producer and recently installed at "Early Show" in the wake of the ouster of the very sharp-elbowed Shelley Ross, will be setting his alarm clock for quite some time to come.

Reason: Katie Couric has set her eye on network veteran Chris Dinan to become the new executive producer of "EN."

Why am I posting this now and why should you care? (Well, it is Monday morning and nothing else is going on, and I do have to fill this blog and...)

It's interesting because nothing EVER happens within a vacuum at CBS News (never has) and any major level executive shift is usually symptomatic of some broader change. I'm still not telling you why this is interesting (sorry.)

OK, two works: Katie Couric. Enough said?

There's more speculation over at the Milk Factory (fondly so-named because once milk flowed through this wonderful old eastside sprawl as opposed to gossip). Here it is:

- That...Sean McManus, president of the news division will hang up his news spurs by the summer and return full-time to Sports (unlike the news division, CBS Sports is biggest, baddest, meanest, toughest sports TV entity this side of ESPN.) Mc is prez of both news and sports.

- That...pressure will grow once again on "60 Minutes" boss, Jeff Fager, to take over the news division.

Do I believe any of this? Well, yes, a little bit (just not sure how much.) The ever reliable Sandy Genelius, CBS News top spokeshuman, tells me the Dinan rumor is utter hogwash: "There's nothing to it. Nothing to it."

Do I believe SANDY? Sure, but...Dinan, as we say in the trade, IS "well-regarded" (Kaplan appointed him his number two last fall) and no one ever believed Rick and Katie would get along forever (only diamonds are forever - not TV news executives.) Rick's very talented and tough; Katie's the same, and SHE wants to be the one calling the shots. The only thing that gives me pause: Katie's broadcast seems to have settled down with Kapan at the helm. ("Seems to" but nothing is ever as it really "seems" at CBS News, so...),

Fager to the president's office? He doesn't want it (last time I checked.) Morevoer, he's got a much better gig at "60," so why go to the hornet's nest across the street where the news isn't always (ahem) good. Meanwhile, I'm also hearing...that CBS is also shuttering its Paris bureau (actually, it's a three-person satellite; the real bureau, per my recollection, was shuttered years ago.)

(Above: RK, taking over mornings after Ross fiasco.)

This is a little inside baseball but worth noting nonetheless: Those folks who brought you Televisionwithoutpity.com - the web's best site for episode recaps AND snotty asides about how stupid a particular episode is - are bolting for parts unknown. They've tendered their resignations, and it's adios. Last day March 11. They are Tara Ariano, Sarah D. Bunting, and David T. Cole. These guys know their TV, really know their TV, while Tara and Sarah, if memory serves, started up a website for "Dawson's Creek" megafans which led to this one. Bravo bought "TwoP" (as it's widely known) a year ago, and left us all to wonder: Could these entrepreneurs be happy in the GE empire? Do we now have our answer...?

To get you ready for the massive rainfall we're about to experience this weekend, here's a clip of B.J. Thomas singing (actually lip-syncing) his No. 1 hit from 1970, "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head" (from "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid," but you knew that).

I wish I knew on which TV show this was first shown -- dig the faux-psychedelic, proto-"Teletubbies" backdrop and those umbrella-wielding dancers, who no doubt were rejected from "The Lawrence Welk Show" for not being hip enough.

Wherefore art thou...?

Not much time to break down last night's "Lost" - sorry, friends, but I'd only add to the confusion if I had any more time to puzzle this out.

Nevertheless, we point out one (maybe two) intriguing developments: First and foremost, of course, we learn that Charles Widmore is in fact the boss of the Freighter People and that he does want the island for his own evil purposes, possibly even more evil than Ben's purposes. (And Ben, grossly lovelorn in his flashbacks with Juliet, becomes more demonic with each passing week...)

Next, "The Tempest:" That's the name of the other hitherto-unknown DHARMA station in the jungle, that one with toxic gas. And yes, those rascals at "Lost" have gone ahead and layered in another literary reference that only wants to make us scramble to Wikipedia or dig up some well-thumbed, ink-stained, rumpled "Cliff Notes" edition on the play. Is Ben Caliban? Is Juliet Miranda? (And who the hell then is Prospero.) Curse you, "Lost" writers. CURSE YOU!

And OK, here's another thing: The man/woman on the boat? I'm open for suggestions. Locke has to "sit down?" What or who could be so dramatic and shocking that Locke will be gobsmacked when he hears the name? (I'm still wondering whether Juliet's long-lost sister, Rachel Carlson, is on board...Naomi's bracelet with the initials, "RC," remember? Could she be tied to Ben in some way? But Locke wouldn't even know who she is, so...)

Curse you, "Lost" writers. CURSE YOU!

Bottom Line on "The Other Woman:" Yet another brilliant outing by TV's best drama. "Lost" keeps getting better and better and better and...

We now have our top twelve (Amanda Overmyer, Brooke White, Carly Smithson, Chikezie, David Archuleta, David Cook, David Hernandez, Jason Castro, Kristy Lee Cook, Michael Johns, Ramiele Malubay and Syesha Mercado) and a very worthy crew this is.

But with the endgame developing, I share these "Idol" thoughts with you this morning, reserving the right to change them at a moment's notice the minute someone comes up with reasonable counterarguments.

How thrilled can "Idol" producers be that...David Archuleta is a such a ridiculous front-runner? They certainly have an idea at this point who they want to win - that is, who will ultimately sell the most stuff for RCA Records, Planet 19, and the 1001 other entities that exploit winners of this show. Archie's gotta be close or at the top of their list. But being the presumptive winner this early the game is not good because everyone assumes it's already over, so why vote for him anyway?

How thrilled can "Idol" producers be that....Carly Smithson might eventually pull this out? Everyone, or most everyone, deserves a second act in show biz, and Carls is getting her's now, (and she deserves it, given her evident talent.) But she sold like ten, or was it nine, albums when she had that big multi-million dollar contract for MCA last century. Will she do better with a new record label, or...?

How thrilled can "Idol" producers be that...David Hernandez might win? I think the guy's one of the most talented of the field, so he has a shot. But that stripper past..."Idol" producers say (or pretend that it) "doesn't matter." But what about Coke? I wonder how those guys feel? The winner's gotta represent their interests too (along with that of many other sponsors.) What's Coke's slogan these days? "The Coke Side of Life." I wonder if the Coke Side of Life includes lap-dancing?

How thrilled can "Idol" producers be that...Michael Johns is the winner? Fine singer, certainly, and plenty of talent. He has a real shot too. But he was born in Perth, Australia and still has a passable Aussie accent. It's a wonderful thing, but this is "AMERICAN Idol" is it not? Wonder how they'd feel down under if an American contestant rose to the top of Australia's "Idol" edition. I'll tell you how they'd feel - outraged! (That's the Aussies for you.) No one here'll care too much, but if Carls and Michael reach the top final two, can this show reasonably be named "American Idol" this season?

Those are my "Idol" thoughts for the day. Feel free to throw verbal darts...

I'm a very impatient guy and am sick of waiting for a response from NBC - even though I sent the email only about, oh, 15 seconds ago - so I think I just have to be out with it, confirmation or not: NBC is expected to renew "Friday Night Lights."

Yes, this is kinda old news to anyone who cruises Deadlinehollywood.com, which reported that NBC is forging an interesting kind of joint deal between the network and Directv - whereby (one assumes) DTV gets some sort of exclusive window, or whatever, after the NBC airing. Or maybe some sort of simultaneous airing.

I don't know. All these details bore me.

The simple fact is, "FNL" is back and that's important because it's probably the only show left on NBC next season that won't be hosted by Howie Mandel.

In fact, the deal - when it happens - is kinda interesting because it might be some sort of "template" for other deals that would save other worthy but low-rated shows (like "FNL..") NBC's already done this with "L&O;:CI" and if I'm not mistaken, "Monk" has done double-network deals for something like a century.

Anyway, this is good news and couldn't wait to share.

(Update! The exemplary Jamie French of NBC has responded. I quote in full: "Sorry Verne. We are not commenting. Thanks.")

TV Land's new version of "High School Reunion" (airing tonight at 9) made me think of some of TV's classic shows set at those esteemed institutions of learning.

Like "Mr. Novak", which starred James Franciscus as idealistic teacher John Novak and aired from 1963-65. Here's a clip from a 1963 episode starring a young Walter Koenig, who four years later, would of course, go on to play Chekov on "Star Trek."

And appropos of nothing, my seventh-grade math teacher at H. Frank Carey High School was named Mr. Novak. As a 13-year-old, I thought that was unbelievably cool.

Lucky you!

You are about to get the full benefit of my many years studying "American Idol" (I DO have a Yale PhD. in American Idology, by the way.) I will tell you who will advance to the final 12, who will falter. Who's got the upper hand. Who's got no hand. And by the odds which I have so generously posted below, you too will be able to see into the future to find out who will win the seventh season of the world's most watched show.

Enough babbling. Here's the handicap:

Asia'h Epperson, 19, Joplin. 10:1. Like her, but does she have that 'ol "remembrance" factor (in which you remember who she is.) Not sure.

Brooke White, 24, Mesa. 5:1. My own dark horse. No one picks her to win, but I see her advancing beyond tonight. (Of course, I'm the one who thought Marie O had a shot at winning "DWTS."

Danny Noriega, 18, Azusa, Ca. 50:1. Almost (not quite) winner of this season's Sanjaya Special Award. OK singer, snotty personality.

David Hernandez, 24, Glendale, Az. 4:1. Stripper Boy is a wonderful singer, and in my opinion better than Archie the Unbeatable. If only this guy knew how good he was...

Kady Malloy, 18, Houston. 1000:1. Gone tonight.

Michael Johns, 29, Buckland, Ga.: 5:2. Pro Boy is pretty good, knows how to work the stage, etc. etc. But is he likable? Hmmm.

Ramiele Malubay, 20, Miramar. 7:1. Love her! She's one of my favorites! She had a wonderful night last night! But will she go all the way? No.

Amanda Overmyer, 23, Mulberry, Tn. 9:2. Didn't really see why she was even in this comp, until last night's performance. She was commanding, and is easily in the top 12.

Chikezie, 22, Inglewood. 8:1. Love Chicky, and would love to see him make it to the final four. But...

Carly Smithson, 24, San Diego. 4:1. I've given poor Carly such a hard time because she's a pro in a competition that pretends to be an amateur competition. But I'm so over that. Why blame Carly because the producers were desperate to get reasonably high caliber talent this season after last season's flounders? She gets better...and better...and better..and...

David Archuleta, 17, Murray, Ut. 2:1. Beware the Sure Bet in "Idol." And by the way, isn't his stuff (so far) just a little bland and safe and dull? But the kid's great. Archie's in the final two or "Idol" will lose all credibility, forever.

David Cook, 25, Blue Springs, Mo. 5:1. Another one of my favorites. A really talented kid.

Jason Castro, 20, Rockwall, Tx. 6:1. Distinctive look and style, God knows. I think - and hope - he'll go far.

Kristy Lee Cook, 24, Selma. 20:1. Beauty queen with the nice voice. Last night was not good, though.

Luke Menard, 29, Crawfordsville, In. 25:1. Probably gone tonight, but could still surprise.

Syesha Mercado, 21, Sarasota. 20:1. Fine voice, but as Si might say, a little like a million others you might hear on the radio. Not sure what her style is, exactly.

Here's something we can take a little bit of solace in: Jack Bauer may be back sooner than later.

The Hollywood Reporter is saying that Fox and producers are in the early pre-production stages of a prequel that will air this fall; of course, as you know, the actual series won't hit the air until January of '09.

Of course, as you also know, a prequel of this sort raises a few interesting questions: Notably, will this be the first two hours of the day? Or some sort of scene-setter explaining the move to Washington? Or telling people what Jack's been up these last few "months," or...

HR says it'll "bridge the two-year gap" between seasons six and seven; what does that mean? I'm not sure. My hunch is that it's simply smart scheduling by Fox. This - after all - isn't "The Sopranos," which had the luxury (thanks HBO!) of taking multi-year hiatuses between seasons. This is "24," which has to fight for mindshare among viewers with precious little time and even less patience. Getting SOMETHING on the air before January of '09 thus whets appetites and reminds people that evil is still out there and Jack is too.

As you also know, "24" was hit hardest by the strike by just about any show, given its reliance on the 24-hour gimmick. (And, umm, Kiefer was also somewhat indisposed for a little while too.)

We have news that may thrill you, or chill you, but in TV terms, this is a biggie:

Kathie Lee Gifford - and I think it's fair to say we all know who SHE is - is expected to join "The Today Show," as anchor of its fourth hour, which premiered last fall to poor reviews (mine) and so far flagging ratings.

The news is being reported by a Florida-based subscription website for the news industry, FTV, which suggests that an announcement will come in two weeks. An NBC source tells me - let me add, a RELIABLE and smart NBC source - that the report is true, and that Gifford is set to join.

Meanwhile, here's the FTV post:

"Several high ranking NBC insiders tell FTVLive that the Peacock is about to name Kathie Lee Gifford as a new host of the Today Show.

"'Gifford will work on the 4th hour of Today,' said our NBC source.

"If you are going to hire Gifford it makes sense to put her on the 4th hour of Today. Gifford is definitely going to 'skew older females' when it comes to ratings. The four hour is geared toward the stay at home women.

"Gifford rose to fame in 1988 when 'Live with Regis and Kathie Lee' went national. She spent years hosting the morning talk show and talking about her kids, Cody and Cassidy. Since Cody is now 18 years old, we're guessing we won't hear as much about him on Today (Thank God!)."

Hard to believe but it's been nearly eight years since KLG lost her bully pulpit ("Live!); her last day was July 28, '00, and during that last frenetic farewell broadcast, Reeg said: This "was the most relentless, exhausting farewell in the history of TV." She also told him she wanted to return some day (she did a few years later, for a reunion). "I hope there will be an opportunity to come back" as co-host, she said. "To think I couldn't come back would break my heart more than leaving."

During that show, Reeg or someone also asked her about the relentless tabloid coverage, which (supposedly) hastened her departure after 15 years on "Live!" Those reports, she said, "always come from a miserable heart; I can only feel sorry for a miserable heart." (Actually, those reports came from a truthful heart, but maybe miserable too.)

Anyway, I personally am thrilled KLG is coming back. Without Ro around, it's all become so bland and tired. Yes, of course, Reeg is still great, and sure - I love Babs Walters. But the dear girl isn't on all the time, and when she's not (even when she is) "The View" is so dreadfully polite. What we're missing are some good, honest-to-goodness backstage brawls - the sort of stuff that leaks to the tabs (which always dutifully ended their stories with the line, "a spokeswoman for Ms. O'Donnell, however, denied that chairs were thrown..." )

What I'm really saying here: We need KLG back. We need to read (and write) about the diva behavior, about the dressing room tantrums. We need to hear about Kathie Lee and Al Roker getting into a brawl on the sixth floor (while Jeff Zucker is looking on!)

TV news, or "faux" news, as the fourth hour is, should be a contact sport. And no one hits harder than KLG. (By the way, please read Mr. Borno's comment below: It's one of my all-time favorites and to which I respond: You are correct, sir! My life is, sadly, empty and I desperately DO need a hobby. But, really, there's nothing better than a good, solid catfight between two people who make a total of $20 million per year. Now THAT's entertainment. )

I, for one, couldn't be happier.

Oh, yes, by the way: I've calls out to all the usual suspects (publicists, handlers, and so forth.) You'll get the official statement here first, as soon as I do.

Steve Carell, bless 'im, has actually broken a little news on his "Horton Hears a Who" promotional tour. On "Live with Reeg and Kelly" a little while ago, he said "The Office" - TV's finest comedy, by the way - will return to production in LA tomorrow. (Where in LA? At Universal Media Studios.) The show's back on the air April 10.

The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inducts its Class of 2008 on Monday night, with the ceremony airing live on VH1 Classic at 8:30.

Inductees include Leonard Cohen, Madonna, the Dave Clark Five, John Mellencamp and the Ventures.

Check out this late-'60s clip of The Ventures -- amazingly playing their instruments on a beach (were they powered by off-shore windmills, perhaps?) -- with their extremely cool version of the theme song from "Hawaii Five-O."

Don't know about you, but I now know what I'LL be doing this summer: Writing about Dina Lohan's new reality show, which will hit the air on E! during the warm months. (Watching? That too...oh yes, that too.)

E! earlier announced that this alarming and doubtless intriguing new show - following Dina and 14-year-old Lindsay kid sister, Ali, around North Merrick to CVS and the like - will finally get an air date this summer. The exact date/time is TBA, and the working title is "Living Lohan."

"Alarming?" Must I spell it out?

I spoke with "Real World" co-creator Jonathan Murray and the man behind "Living" a little while ago, and he got the usual "stage mother" and "parenting issue" questions and so forth. He also had a few other details, including the fact that this will start taping in a couple weeks (a "presentation" tape was shot just before Halloween; none of that'll make the air.)

"I think Dina's a somewhat remarkable woman [who] got married at a young age, raised four kids and her marriage came apart," he says. "She's sort of like in this period where she's coming into her own - the divorce is being put behind her and she's sort of figuring out the next part of her life."

"I'm a strong believer that you've gotta like people on television and if you want viewers to come back, a viewer has to like the subject of the show. I came away liking this family [and] I think they're misunderstood to some extent. We all know what the tabloids have said about them [and] that's not an accurate representation of peoples' lives."

Here's outtakes from the E! press release, in all their understated glory:

"Dina has faced intense scrutiny over the past year due to daughter Lindsay's (21) highly publicized mishaps and her long-simmering divorce from her ex-husband. But the Lohan family has demonstrated great resiliency and, with Dina at the helm, they are moving on with their lives. Dina is determined to help each of her four kids fulfill their dreams and refuses to live in fear of what others may think, despite being under the paparazzi microscope.

"E!'s cameras will follow the single mom every step of the way as she manages Lindsay's hectic schedule, while helping Ali jump start her music and acting career. This takes the family to the Palms Casino in Las Vegas, where Ali will record tracks for the Maloof's Iterscope-based record label.

Maloof? That'd be Phil Maloof, chief of Maloof Productions, which is a co-producer along with Bunim-Murray of "Real World" fame.

And more:

"The series will also feature Dina keeping track of her son Cody (11) whose sports teams, homework and endless energy are enough to keep any soccer mom busy, as well as her older son, on-the-go college student Michael (20). Viewers will get to know the Lohan's close-knit extended family as well. "

No official word on potential Lindsay or Michael cameos, though Murray says there's "no agreement" for L to show up.

(Above, Dina and Ali, but who's that in the middle?)

We love cavemen movies and there's a new one, "10,000 BC" coming out Friday that's getting lots of buzz.

To get you in the mood, here's the opening to one of TV's most memorable cavemen series. Not "The Flintstones" and certainly not that silly pseudo-Geico sitcom that ABC foisted on us last fall.

We're talking about "It's About Time," which ran for just one season (1966-67). Created by the legendary Sherwood Schwartz ("The Brady Bunch," "Gilligan's Island"), it starred two TV greats -- Joe E. Ross ("Car 54") and Imogene Coca ("Your Show of Shows") -- as a cave couple whose lives were interrupted by two modern-day astronauts (played by the not-so-great Jack Mullaney and Frank Aletter) who smashed through the time barrier and ended up in the prehistoric era.

Check it out here.

Yeah, I know "The Real Housewives of New York City" has gotten a ton of pre-launch buzz and (if not mistaken) even received above-the-fold treatment in the New York Times. But watching this (11 p.m., Bravo, seven episodes) series should be an option only for the masochist at heart. "Real Housewives" - oh, right, sure, these well-stocked supercareerists are "housewives," nyuk, nyuk - is the anti-zeitgeist show, soaked in a let-them-eat-cake and aren't-I-FABULOUS tone that will force all but the deeply envious or deeply insecure to the exits. WE are in a recession. THEY are in a perfectly formed, shiny bubble. The juxtaposition isn't just jarring, but obnoxious.

Here we have Alex, Bethenny, Jill, LuAnn, and Ramona, and - if I'm not mistaken - the only thing missing from their absolutely fab and gorgeous ME-ness is a starring role in a TV show.

Now, thanks to Bravo, they've got that too.

Anyone familiar with "The Real Wives" format knows what we're talking about here. But - if memory serves - the "Orange County" babes were a little more randy, or at least a little more reflective of their primetime "Desperate" counterparts. This fivesome of the Upper East East and the East End seem fairly chaste and happily married by comparison, though this impression could change. They lead perfect lives, uncluttered by the frazzle of OUR daily grind. The Hamptons or St. Barts, they muse? (God, it's so hard to make a choice.) They have fabulous husbands, fabulous careers, fabulous children who - nonetheless - assume the role of the Greek Chorus in this fable.

That is: They tell us what's really going on. Says Avery of her mom and friends, "they'll do things that are so unladylike. They're SO embarrassing."

From the mouth of babes.

(Above, our heroines, from left: Ramona, Jill, LuAnn, Bethenny, and Alex.)

It's funny, but depending on how things go today, this could be one of the last, if not THE last, major campaign interviews Hillary Clinton holds. And it will have been with...Jon Stewart. This one wraps her final-lap comedy show appearances (beginning, I suppose, this past Saturday, with "SNL.") These outings are a sine qua non for any wouldbe prez: Establish before the voting public, and most notably that part of the voting public public hardest to nail down (adults 18-34), that you've got a sense of humor. But even she admitted (joking) that this interview was "pathetic." Here's the clip - it's a two parter:

Now, CW's turn at pick-up roulette: Four dramas will return next season, and...one major unscripted. But why keep you waiting any longer: Here's the list: "Gossip Girl,” “One Tree Hill,” “Smallville,” and “Supernatural.” “Everybody Hates Chris?” Of course it will be back and as you may also be aware, "Chris" will join Nick at Nite's lineup too ( a sign you've really made it.) The reality show back? “America’s Next Top Model,” natch. .

Don't say we never did anything for you - although, after watching this video, you may come to the conclusion that we never did anything for you.

This is a strange video, but - depending on how desperate you are for diversion at this exact moment - maybe manna from heaven. (Thanks to tvtattle for locating.) Quick backstory: When the strike was in progress Shonda Rhimes got casts from her hit shows to agree to sing at a UCLA fundraiser (raising dough for struggling out-of-work writers.) An intriguing experiment, though (no surprise) Audra McDonald is probably the only one worth paying real money to see. (Sara Ramirez is a big stage talent, too, so, Sara as well.)

In any event, it took place Friday, and apparently someone in the audience held up their cell phone during the thing. Here it is, with fair warning: You haven't seen video this rocky since mom and dad took those old pictures of you jumping into the backyard pool.

Do not adjust your set when you're watching the Federer-Sampras tennis match live next Monday night from Madison Square Garden.

You may think you're watching FSN New York, but you'll be watching the "rebranded" channel MSG Plus. As of that 7 p.m. March 10 event airing live from Madison Square Garden, FSN is being renamed to better fit with its MSG corporate sibling (both owned by Cablevision Systems).

As MSG Plus, the channel will still serve as the cable home for hockey's Islanders and Devils, and will still carry Fox Sports Net original programs like "Best Damn Sports Show" and "Sports Science."

"MSG is a powerful brand," Michael Bair, president of MSG Media, said in today's press release. "Rebranding FSNY as MSG Plus capitalizes on the unprecedented MSG brand value and recognition, and helps to establish a stronger correlation between our two television networks."

So when both the Isles and Devs are playing, do the overflow games go to MSG Plus Plus? MSG Plus 2? (Equals 4?) We shall see . . .

Did you watch "Oprah's Big Give" last night? Ms. O might deny it, but "Queen for a Day," that wondrous weepie from the 1950s, clearly was the show that inspired it.

Check out this clip and form your own opinion.

But what I really wanna know is this: Why don't men today have moustaches like host Jack Bailey?

Now that I have your attention . . .

Racy 1930s pre-code features are on tap again tonight on Turner Classic Movies. Before the censors took the reins for Hollywood's "golden age," filmmakers tried getting adult in ways they wouldn't again approach until the 1960s (when they exceeded those ways immeasurably).

It's all explained in tonight's new TCM documentary "Thou Shalt Not: Sex, Sin and Censorship in Pre-Code Hollywood" (Monday, March 3 at 9:30 p.m. and 2:30 a.m.), promising to examine "how the [era's] social, financial and moral forces all helped shape one of the most intriguing periods in Hollywood history." Anybody who's seen Barbara Stanwyck sleep her way to the top of the corporate food chain in 1933's "Baby Face" knows what that means. (You can watch her do it again this Saturday night, March 8 at 12:30 a.m.)

Tonight's lineup:
8 p.m. - "The Divorcee" (1930), with Norma Shearer in a "double standard" expose.
10:45 p.m. - "Night Nurse" (1931), Stanwyck again, with Clark Gable.
12 midnight - "Three on a Match" (1932), with Joan Blondell, Bette Davis and gangsters.
1:15 a.m. - "Female" (1933), Ruth Chatterton as a female CEO "who's used to buying love."
3:45 a.m. - "A Free Soul" (1931), with Lionel Barrymore, Shearer and Gable.

You shouldn't be surprised to learn that TCM's corporate-allied video arm (Warner) is releasing another set of pre-code DVDs tomorrow (March 4). "Forbidden Hollywood Collection, Vol. 2" contains all five of tonight's vintage features.

Did you know that Jackie Gleason had a sitcom before “The Honeymooners”? That he starred in a 1960s Woody Allen movie? That he had a 1980s TV movie reunion with Art Carney?

Everything Gleason is there at a new “online museum” launched last week on what would have been The Great One’s 92nd birthday. JackieGleason.com has a timeline of Gleason’s Broadway, film and TV career, an in-depth biography and, best of all, video clips of many of Gleason’s memorable characters -- not just Ralph Kramden but Reggie Van Gleason III, Joe the Bartender, the pantomime Poor Soul, and more.

It’s a nice place to visit while waiting for WPIX/11’s weekly “Honeymooners” salute to begin March 16. Or for that Allen-scripted movie, “Don’t Drink the Water,” to hit DVD March 18.

We’re still waiting for an official release of his 1949 season on NBC’s “The Life of Riley.” [See photo at right.] His 1985 TV movie “Izzy and Moe” costarring Carney is already on disc and is available for download to Windows users at Amazon Unbox. With two “Color Honeymooners” collections out on DVD from his 1960s Miami Beach variety show, a third one is due May 27.

So, you're waking up - or maybe you're not waking up - to the news that Hillary was on "Saturday Night Live." It was a cameo, and after the opening skit, she delivered one of television's true classic lines ("live from...etc.)

An election must be coming up.

More news: She wasn't bad, though not particularly HI-larious (no fault of Hill's - these sorts of things never are), but considering what preceded her brief walk-on, she was a particularly good sport too. The opening skit was a re-wind of last week's Ohio debate, with Amy Poehler/Hillary, delivering this line:

To battle special interests, we need "someone so annoying, so grating, so bossy and shrill with a personality so unpleasant that at the end of the day the special interests will go - 'enough, we give up, life is too short to deal with this awful woman. Just give her what she wants so she'll leave us in peace.' I think the American people will agree that woman is ME."

A few minutes later, the "editorial response" from the real Hill: "...I was asked, should I take that as an endorsement? I was told absolutely not..."

Amy Poehler comes on, and asks how the campaign is going: "Oh, the campaign is going very very well. Why, what did you hear?"

And by the way: Fred Armisen's Obama. Will he ever smile or say more than five words? THIS is an impersonation that needs work - and by that I mean a little humor too, because this remains oddly, profoundly humorless.