The TV Zone

Fans of the old NBC soap “Passions,” which moved exclusively to DirecTV satellite on Sept. 17, can now continue to watch new ninth-season episodes online.

For just $19.95 a month.

Gulp. You give DirecTV $20, and you’ve bought yourself a few dozen channels, via a nice clear digital broadcast signal on your big-screen TV. You give NBC.com $20, and you get one show that might or might not stream at a fast or slow speed, in a computer-screen window. (It's on NBC.com because the network's owned studio continues to produce "Passions" for DirecTV.)

The episodes will, however, remain on the site for eight weeks for easy catchup, starting Monday (Oct. 1).

Read the press release here.

[Above: Juliet Mills and Georgia Engel in NBC photo by Paul Skipper.]

So you might well see those major league baseball playoffs in HD.

(Though perhaps not the Mets playing in them.)

Cablevision announced it's adding TBS HD to its high-def lineup by the time early-round playoffs start Wednesday. Some customers will see it on Ch. 739 as early as Monday. The cable provider says that'll mean it carries 41 HD channels, including the 15 VOOM offerings.

TBS HD is already carried by DirecTV, and is being added to some Time Warner and Comcast cable systems.

Half of you saw "CSI" last night and the other half saw "Grey's Anatomy," which means you're all wondering what happened on the megahit that you DIDN'T see.

So I'll tell you, really quickly, what happened on each show, and then give a grade. That way, everyone's happy and you can go about the rest of your day with a light heart. So, here goes:

"CSI:"

Rain's falling over the desert, and Sara's hand is still sticking out from under that wrecked Mustang (or was it a Camaro), and Crazy Miniature Lady-Serial-Killer is still sitting in jail, saying nothing, which means no one knows how she ‘napped Sara...and so thank God for flashbacks, because we see CMLSK hit her with a taser in the garage, and then stuff her in the trunk, and then drive out to the desert...and, flash forward, Grissom, looks worried as hell, and no wonder, cuz he knows Sara could drown...and flash-back, Sara figures a way out of the trunk and jumps CMLSK, who bops her good, ties her up and pins her under that darn car...and Gus still can't figure this one out....and - back to the wet desert - a coyote wants to lick Sara, but she's not in a licking mood...and FINALLY Nick gets an address of some car dump, and Captain Jim puts the strong arm on an old hippie who tells him where the car is...and the choppers finally locate it, but Sara's nowhere to be seen cuz she's unpinned her arm and wandered off into the desert, where it's finally stopped raining and is now really hot, and Gil and Catherine find a dead body, but it's a hiker who had some really bad luck, and...Finally, Sara's located by sharp-eyed Nick, but she's almost dead, until her eyes flutter...cut to Gus who smiles.
Grade: B +. Satisfying conclusion to arc, and no one expected Sara to die anyway. Fine cameo, too, by Wile E. Coyote (who I thought had retired.)

"Grey's Anatomy:"

Bunch o' snotty-nosed interns show up at Seattle Grace, and residents enjoy torturing them immensely, especially Cristina who's in a really foul mood, considering Burke's pretty much AWOL FOREVER... ...George is really miserable too cuz he's back in “kindergarten” after failing his exams, and still trying to deal with fact that Izzie loves him even though Sara may be having a baby...and McDreamy is kinda bummed too, insofar as he knows things are on the rocks with Mere, who now has to face that fact that she’s got a half-sister who's got a full-time gig at SG and who also happens to be younger and (gulp) prettier...
and Bailey's in a foul mood too, cuz all her old snotty-nosed residents now have to pay fealty to Callie and so she's become like a queen without an army (or something)...and McSteamy tries to be nice to McDreamy and they even have a quasi-gay moment, or maybe just a nice guy moment...then this kid and dad bring a dying deer to hospital, and a conflicted Izzie tries to save it, insofar as she is now metaphorically identifying herself with Bambi....and Lexie, that cute half-sister who I think used to star in "The Practice” or was it “That ‘80s Show?” tells George to stop whining, and he thinks she's darned nice, or "awesome"…and McDreamy and Mere pretty much agree that the marriage is on the rocks already but have sex anyway...then George tells Izzie he loves her too, which probably means Callie's not gonna be too happy, but we're getting ahead of ourselves.

Grade: B -. Good return, though the Bambi stuff was kinda stretching matters a little bit, and is anyone except McSteamy in a good mood these days?

As if “Jail” and “Decision House” weren’t low-rent enough, the makeshift MyNetwork TV network (operated by Fox) is adding more, uh, thrifty-budgeted shows this Monday, Oct. 1.

“Celebrity Expose” (Monday at 8 p.m. on WWOR/9) debuts with “the stories behind the headlines of today’s most compelling personalities.” Like we can’t get those anywhere else. This series is, in fact, produced by the team behind “Access Hollywood,” and hosted by that show’s Tony Potts. First subject: Lindsay Lohan. (Next week: Britney Spears! So hard to find news on her.)

“Control Room Presents” (Monday at 9 p.m. on WWOR/9) promises “concert performances from platinum-selling artists at venues from around the world, as well as behind-the-scenes interviews and back-stage access.” First up: Maroon 5 at Montreal’s Cabaret Club.

Could we please have UPN back?

[Above: Lindsay Lohan in AP photo by Jeff Christensen.]

Ya know, it can be a fool's game to defend Bill O'Reilly, and for a couple reasons - he's perfectly capable of defending himself, and there are certainly those moments when
ol' Bill is indefensible.

But today, I defend Bill.

This is a highly amusing act, because O'Reilly has attacked me on the air a couple of times. He once called me a "left-wing journalist with an agenda..." I loved that
best of all, for it was so joyously, ludicrously wide of the mark. He used to refer to me as "that guy" too. He couldn't bring himself to call me by name.

But this isn't about me. It's about Bill. He was attacked by a self-described "progressive" media "watch-dog" site called Media Matters. Apparently these people at MM have nothing better to do than spend their days and nights looking for conservative bias in the media, and now - are you ready for this? - they've come after Newsday.

Newsday!

And by direct association, me, whose byline was on that article.

This time, I'm actually on this guy's side.

Here's what MM posted on their site: "The headline of a Newsday article on Bill O'Reilly's controversial remarks about a Harlem restaurant run by African-Americans asserted, 'O'Reilly lashes out at CNN over misquoted report,' but the article provided no examples of a 'misquot[ation],' nor did it quote O'Reilly claiming to have been 'misquoted.' The article also stated that 'Mediamatters.org released a partial transcript' of O'Reilly's comments. In fact, Media Matters provided the relevant transcript and audio clip of O'Reilly's remarks, which included the full context of his statements."

Now, let me give you a little lesson in journalism, Media Matters Person. When you quote someone out of context - as you did - it's the same as misquoting them. You may as well make up their words, because the import is the same - a disingenuous conveyance of information that had no bearing on the speaker's intent.

Second, let me take issue with the weasel word "relevant." In fact, it WAS a partial transcript, both print and audio. The print transcript that MM has on its website is in fact HEAVILY redacted, and the audio - or at least the audio posted Tuesday when this whole thing exploded - was only a small portion of a conversation that lasted an hour.

What did Bill say?

Here's my own transcript of the conversation and any mistakes are mine alone. There are many small elisions here and there, but I've tried to be faithful to the general tone, tenor and context of the conversation. (This is about eighteen minutes of the full hour - the RELEVANT eighteen minutes.)

My summation: It's O'Reilly’s standard-issue anti-rap diatribe. I've heard it before, and so have you. And if he’s guilty of anything here, it's of being a flat-footed white guy with a tin ear. But he's always been guilty of that, so what else is new? The comments about Sylvia’s were – of course – silly but part of a much broader context which I think renders them harmless. Anyway, draw your own conclusions:

O'Reilly posted the audio of the entire Sept. 19 hour in question on his website. The context? O'Reilly's talking about the O.J. Nevada case, and his guest is Juan Williams, the respected NPR (and Fox News) columnist, who just wrote a book called "Enough," about a "culture of failure" in some quarters of the African American community.

0’Reilly: "One of the problems [in America] that'll never be solved is the problem of prejudice that Americans show for fellow Americans, over race, sexual orientation...it's here, primarily because of parental intrusion, that so-and -so is bad and you should not like them...'"

“It comes in all races, there's no solution to the problem and the only thing the government can do is to make sure that the prejudice does not intrude on a person’s right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, and if it does, it should be controlled as a legal matter...last night O.J. - and he's a villain, everybody thinks he killed [ex-wife/Ron Goldman] - Dennis Miller was on last night, and talking about whether they [the Las Vegas cops] were hammering Simpson [because he’s black] and I don’t think there’s any outrage on the behalf of the African American community [O’Reilly added that he’d be “stunned,” per Miller’s contention, that there’d be riots if O.J. was convicted.]

“When I interviewed jurors on the case, two black jurors [going back to the original case], they thought the cops were out to set up a famous black man. Ok, that was race-based….

“Black people in this country understand that they’ve had a very tough go of it. Some can get past it. Some can’t. I doubt that there’s a black person who hasn’t had a personal insult because of the color of their skin. I don’t think there’s anyone…You have to accept that fact…some deal with it in a variety of ways, so it’s there. I think it’s getting better – that black Americans are starting to think more and more for themselves and getting away from the Jacksons and the Sharptons, who are trying to lead them into a race-based culture. I was up in Harlem, had dinner with Al Sharpton, a very very interesting guy…at Sylvia’s, and had a great time...All the people up there are tremendously respectful…. everyone was very nice. I couldn’t get over the fact that there was no difference between Sylvia’s and every other restaurant in New York – exactly the same... That’s really what this society is all about…there’s no difference, no difference…

“Now, when I was growing up, my parents lived in Brooklyn and moved out to Levittown after World War two, a whole bunch of people moved out to Levittown. Because they got low mortgages and were able to buy homes. There was prejudice in my neighborhood, but my parents were never like that. I never heard that.

“My grandmother on my mother’s side was prejudiced against blacks. I used to tell her, grandma, you don’t even know any black people. You’ve never spoken to a black person in your life. She said no. Saw all the perp walks on TV…and was afraid of them, didn’t understand the culture, and the fear was translated in hostility, irrational hostility. My grandmother was old school – not well-educated…I used to kid her about it [and] said I played on a football team, and the black guys protected me [he laughs]…’they’ve blocked for me, grandma… They’re good guys.' But in her heart, she couldn’t assimilate the situation. It was based on fear.

“It’s breaking down, but it’s [being] replaced by other misunderstandings, cultural rap stuff. People don’t like this language, glorification of drugs, alcohol, prostitution, and can’t understand why this is being embraced by a subculture. But you know, I think it’s black people that don’t like it…it’s driven by a very small demographic, younger men. I think black Americans are appalled by a Snoop Dog, and all this crazy stuff. Maybe I’m wrong. When you look at what Motown was, and how good that was. I ran into Nat King Cole’s widow a few months ago. How great was this guy. Willie Mays, Jackie Robinson…How great were they? There was so much to admire, and then you trot out all these gangster rappers – they get all the media attention. Denzel Washington, one of our finest actors? How much do you hear about him? That’s the media too, controlled by white companies who put out this trash. White CEOs… But at this juncture, people understand how O.J. is. He’s a sociopath. He’s a bad guy. If he gets sentenced and convicted…

“OK, the rest of the hour we’re going to talk about this. Then Juan Williams comes on. [He asks Williams] Am I making a mistake?

Williams: “No, I’m just thrilled you’re taking this up [but] surprised you’re up at Sylvia's…

O’Reilly: “No, no I like soul food…it was great…” [They then talk about rap culture – O’Reilly’s usual diatribe…]

Williams: “…It’s a vile poison, literally a corruption of the culture, but a majority of white audience who are into rebellion, who think it’s just a kick, but it’s a different dynamism…

O’Reilly: “The young white kids don’t have to struggle to get out of the ghetto.

Williams: “It’s inauthentic, not in keeping with the great black traditions of struggle and achievement..

O’Reilly: “I went to the concert by Anita Baker..the blacks were well-dressed, and she came out, and said look, this show is for the entire family. We’re not going to do any rapping here. The band was excellent, well dressed, in tuxedos [but] this is what white Americans don’t know. They think the culture is dominated by Twista, Ludacris and Snoop Dog.

Williams: “It’s just awful..

O’Reilly: “…Not one person in Sylvia’s was screaming m’fer, I want ice tea. It was like gong into an Italian restaurant, in an all-white suburb. In the sense, they were sitting there and having fun, not any kind of crazy stuff…

Williams: “I don’t think your grandmother was wrong. If you watch TV today, so many shows that are minstrel shows…it’s ignorant, stupid, and vile, and makes them out to be emblematic of black Americans…"

Continue reading "VERNE GAY: In Which I Come to Bill O'Reilly's Defense" »

Early Exit.

You're just getting to your "DWTS" news this morning, after having missed last night's big show because you knew that I would tell you who got booted off last night, and your hunch was correct: I AM going to tell you. Right now.

Our first victim is Josie Maran. Yes, faithful reader. I did predict this yesterday, as you are well aware, and you are also well aware, it was mostly blind guesswork on my part. But I did have a little hunch: After all, her first dance was weak, and her heart never seemed to be in this thing, as she confessed to TV Guide that the whole point of subjecting herself to this experience was to promote some forthcoming cosmetic line. While everyone here has something to promote (usually, but not always), they often have the good sense not to tell TV Guide about it.

But in the end, it was about the dance, and the dance was not good.

Meanwhile, I fearlessly stick with my prediction: Sabs Bryan will win this whole thing, or I'll eat my keyboard.

Mindfreaker Criss Angel and spoon-bender Uri Geller got a date today for the premiere of their five-week NBC competition “Phenomenon.” Arriving Oct. 24 (with a two-hour Halloween live show Oct. 31), the series is described as “an intensive search for the next great mentalist.”

East Meadow native Angel and Israeli mind-over-matter guru Geller will judge 10 “carefully selected mentalists” as they demonstrate their talents before a studio audience. But home viewers will vote who gets the series’ $250,000 prize.

Airing Wednesdays at 8, “Phenomenon” will displace that night’s airing of “Deal or No Deal” through the November sweeps.

[Photo above by Jim Fiscus, from A&E;'s "Criss Angel Mindfreak" series.]

On its announced march to 100 high-def channels by year’s end, DirecTV today added 21 more.

Now feeding an HD signal (if not always true high-def programming):

A&E; Network, Animal Planet, Big Ten Network, CNN, Discovery Channel, The History Channel, The Movie Channel, NFL Network, Science Channel, Showtime West, Sho Too, Starz, Starz West, Starz Comedy, Starz Edge, Starz Kids & Family, TBS, TLC, Versus/Golf Channel, The Weather Channel.

Also included -- the just-launched Smithsonian Channel.

The HD news site TV Predictions analyzes the look of the new channels, and offers tips on making sure the signal comes in correctly.

Reports say DirecTV hopes to roll out these HD channels in October: Bravo, Cartoon Network, Cinemax East and West, CNBC, Food Network, Fox Business News, FX, HBO, HGTV, the planned MGM channel, National Geographic Channel, Sci Fi Channel, Speed Channel, USA Network. They’re also aiming at HD versions of Bio, CMT, MTV, Nickelodeon, Spike, VH1, CSTV and The Tennis Channel.

The fall season claims its first victim.

“Nashville,” the low-rated Fox docusoap of country music wannabes, has been yanked by the network in favor of “encore” airings of Monday night’s New Orleans cop drama “K-Ville.” That’s for the next two weeks (the "K-Ville" pilot re-airs at 9 this Friday), after which major league baseball playoffs occupy the slot for a month.

Fox says "Nashville" will return to its 9 p.m. Friday slot on Nov. 9. During the big fall sweeps? Right.

Boy can dance.

After last night, I'm still standing by my peerless prediction that a woman - most likely Sabs - will take home the fifth season of "Dancing with the Stars."

But - paradox of paradoxes - I also think a woman will be first to get voted off tonight. No clue who that'll be (but if I was Josie Maran, I'd be a little bit worried.) There are reasons for this hunch (perhaps frivolous and ill-informed, but that's never stopped me before and it won't stop me now...)

Those reasons? Well, all in all, the guys were good; there was no disaster, or as we say in the "DWTS" lingo, there was no Tucker Carlson moment. Also, "DWTS" producers did a shrewd job of matching pros with wouldbe dancers, and somehow that worked out pretty well too. So here's my line and I'm sticking with it: The guys stay through till next week.

Now, the quickie reviews:

Cameron Mathison: I think, per my recollection, that Cam did the foxtrot, which is a fogyish dance, but given the guy's rudimentary dancing skills, a smart one to start with. He was graceful, a little stiff, and a tad dull. But he may have bought himself another week. (The judges also gave him generous sevens, which likely means a return trip too.)

Floyd Mayweather: He stars in one of the rare controversial intros! When he tells his pro, Karina Smirnoff, that he wants - uhh, DEMANDS - easier steps, she tells him to take a hike, and storms off! Great theater, and great move by Karina cuz it puts FM in his place, and entertains the masses at the same time. Then the dance: I'm going with the Len Goodman line of "great potential." Incredible athlete with an incredible sense of the ring, errr, dance floor, he zipped and darted, chopped and zinged. Very good, and I may revise my earlier opinion that his impending December fight could be too distracting. He could go places here...

Helio Castroneves: The Latin Charisma King! Again, the fogyish fox trot but it looked great here. It's not one of those dances to get wowed by, but it was easily the best performance of the night to this point. 'Neves slays and stays!

Albert Reed: The major upset of the night. Man, the kid's got talent, or something - how about a really good, tough partner in Anna Trebunskaya? He did this jokey, swivel-hipped Elvis-palooza that filled up the whole dancefloor; kid's also got a sense of humor, and that'll work in his favor too.

Mark Cuban: Billionaire Guy was expected to be a flop, but he wasn't bad at all (except for that funky suit; figure with that much dough he could at least afford something that doesn’t have patches on it, even if the song WAS "King of the Road.") Under normal circumstances, he'd be the front-runner to go tonight, but with a hip replacement and solid performance, he could definitely draw the pity vote. I think Cuban stays till next week. (And check out my colleague, Diane Werts', insightful take below...)

Wayne Newton: Ya know, at some point, viewers vote for the pro, and I find it absolutely inconceivable that Cheryl Burke, a big "DWTS" star in her own right, will get the boot the first week out. She's amazing, and why would fans want to deprive themselves of HER even if they have to watch HIM. Him? Perfectly serviceable, danke shoen.

Cheryl MUST stay.

Now here’s why it pays to go to so many press tour parties in search of the late-night insights you can glean with TV’s movers and shakers.

Mark Cuban was already my pick for the surprise of this season’s “Dancing With the Stars.” I’d seen the Dallas billionaire basketball-team owner (and HDNet operator) at a rockin’ “evening event” at the summer 2004 tour when he was promoting his short-lived ABC reality series “The Benefactor.” He and limelight-reluctant business partner/best bud Todd Wagner chatted up critics early, then hit the dance floor and stayed late. Like, till after the band went home and network staffers kicked out the post-midnight stragglers.

Granted, it was free-form rock dancing -- the only kind most critics can handle. (Whoa! Those ’70s disco steps!) But Cuban clearly felt at home, let loose and enjoyed himself. Among dozens of strangers. Who might well write about whatever moves he made.

He doesn’t care what we think. He cares what he enjoys doing. And he clearly enjoys “Dancing With the Stars,” bouncing back from a summer hip replacement with relish, commitment and competitive fire in last night’s first ballroom round.

So maybe he does care what we think. “We” being viewer voters who determine who stays and who goes. Notice how he turned on the charm last night -- not that dot-com maverick Cuban isn’t always the most genuine, down to earth and accessible billionaire you’re likely to meet. The 49-year-old boyishly goofed around in those backstage shots and gushed on stage about making his “little daughter” happy by doing well. Awww. Hear those phone votes ring. (Follow Cuban’s reactions on his popular “blog maverick.”)

Also, of course, Cuban was mean good on the dance floor with sassy Aussie partner Kym Johnson (previously saddled with Jerry Springer). He came off hard-working, surprisingly light on his feet, and gosh-darn exuberant. It was no mistake ABC’s “Dancing” producers saved his witty “King of the Road” turn for next-to-last.

Somebody had to balance out Wayne Newton.

The first “Dancing With the Stars” results show airs on ABC tonight at 9. Previous episodes stream online here.

[Above: ABC photo by Carol Kaelson.]

Missed last night’s big “Heroes” return? NBC is happy to help you out.

The second-season premiere repeats on NBC (in high-def) this Saturday, Sept. 29, at 8 p.m.

And it’s streaming online now at NBC’s “Heroes” page, along with last May’s first-season finale. The site also hosts Monday night’s live blog with “Heroes” creator Tim Kring and star Jack Coleman (H.R.G.).

And if you're lucky enough to have a Verizon V CAST Mobile TV equipped phone, you can even watch it on that teeny-weeny cell screen via NBC2Go.

Looking good, Mel B.

Night One, and it's already over! Or almost over!

"Dancing with the Stars" is pretty much down to just two dancers, already. Forget the guys tonight, because according my statistical analysis - which I've already run by several Phd's at MIT and Stanford - has determined that this season's winner will be a woman.

It'll be either Scary or Sabrina (though I'm still going with Sabrina.) Don't believe all that judge hooey about "anyone can win!" or "watch our dancers improve week by week!" or "anything can happen!"

Yeah, anything can happen - either Scary or Sab will win.

"DWTS" is, at the end, all about strength, athleticism, stamina and youth. Sure, addled or soft-brained viewers can keep stiffs like Jerry Springer in the show week after week. But at the end, the judges know the real deal. In fact, I'm convinced ABC has oldsters like Jane Seymour on the show simply to appeal to key audience demo for this show - oldsters.

Keep in mind, I've been wrong with my predictions before. Imagine! For instance, I said Melinda Doolittle would win "Am Idol." My only mistake was use of the word "would." "Should"would have been the indisputably correct one.

Let's do our own quickie reviews from last night:

Jennie Garth: The great surprise of the night - she was pretty good - a little clunky here, a little sod-footed there - but she is now a dark horse. Her teacher was obviously excellent (Derek) but so was she.

Josie Maran: Only passably OK, and in fact, surprisingly dull, considering the outfit she had on. Someone has to tell her - you just can't show up and look fabulous. You have to dance too.

Sabrina Bryan: As predicted, she's the one to beat. Just amazing physical strength. ABC set her routine up almost like it was some final scene from "Napoleon Dynamite" - you expect her to come out and stumble around, and instead she kills.

Marie O.: What a show woman! All playing to the judges, with those big smiles, and winks. Oh Marie, you're good, you're VERY good. And a pretty good dancer too. But you've got a long way to go, baby, if you're going to get to the finals. But based on last night, it's not beyond the realm of possibility.

Scary Spice: Wow, maybe my favorite of the night. Again, strength and poise, plus some genuine charisma.

Jane Seymour: Of course, everyone loves dear Jane. But I think I nodded off during this routine.

Too bad she's so unattractive. And footwork needs, ummm, work.

Photos from 'Dancing With the Stars' Season 5

Finally! "Heroes" sure heated up last night, bouncing back strongly after last May's anticlimactic first-season finale. Ending four months of anticipation, the faithful were rewarded with a white Japanese legendary hero, a new flying boy, a Company man who's a Midas, and more than a few of our "heroes" reinventing themselves in new locales.

And still, satisfyingly, Claire in full flower as the nucleus of our story -- the bleeding heart and aching soul whose hardly shallow teen dream to "be who I really am" is the essence that makes "Heroes" not some superfluous sci-fi romp but a resonant portrait of our human thirst for purpose, identity, belonging.

Way to go, Tim Kring, creating a show where a blonde high school cheerleader profoundly represents the truest and strongest in us. Of course Kring would cast some sandy-haired Englishman as a godlike Japanese myth, again subverting our expectations with a bracing jolt. Not to mention the expectations of Masi Oka's Hiro, who'd teleported back to a 17th century version of his homeland in the season finale. His discovery that celebrated samurai Takezo Kensei was a dirty-fighting pirate, whom it seemed it was his responsibility to rehabilitate -- "I broke history," Oka moaned, wonderfully -- marked a nice, if oddly far-flung, twist of fate.

Too bad that last night seemed to be the end for Hiro's father, Kaito, who'd been sitting vigil for four months at that bland urban-square site of the season finale's big (little) showdown, which Hiro had squinted himself into time-traveling away from. George Takei's character, and Cristine Rose as the Petrelli matriarch (and his fellow hero "elder"), were both marked for death on photographs by that mysteriously meaningful symbol otherwise seen in tattoos (and fleetingly revealed last night on the historic Kensei sword).

But as Takei took a seemingly fatal plunge, another possible "hero" took flight. After Claire met an interesting boy at her new high school in the California town where her Texas family has resettled, the kid was revealed to be levitating his way into peering into her bedroom window. Interesting this should happen while she was on the phone with dissolutely depressed daddy Nathan, in the form of a newly bearded Adrian Pasdar, who mopingly gazed into a mirror and saw a bloodied, skin-stripped face staring back at him. He'd flown off in the finale with younger brother Peter, whose death he and his murder-marked mama seemed to be mourning -- though at episode's end, an amnesiac Peter was seen huddled in an otherwise empty shipping container in far-off Ireland.

In other words: The start of "Heroes" second season seemed to lay out as many disparate threads as last fall's very first episode. Canny professor Suresh was seen off in Cairo laying a trap for The Company, in cahoots with now-Californian Claire daddy H.R.G. Mind-reading California cop Matt has become an NYPD detective -- and the protector of sight-gifted kid Molly, suddenly afflicted with hero-symbol nightmares. Down in Honduras, we met new "hero" Maya and her brother Alejandro, fleeing toward the United States after being hit with a murder rap. Seemed after their smuggling-truck mates wound up bloody dead that maybe Maya sometimes goes uncontrollably postal.

And these folks are hardly the half of it. The post-show previews of future "Heroes" action reminded us that we hadn't yet seen Sylar, or Niki, or Micah, and what about The Haitian?

Of course, we're lucky if we can see any of them behind those obnoxious NBC series promos that plaster themselves over the bottom part of the screen as "Heroes" action unfolds. If Wednesday's new "Bionic Woman" series weren't already known to me as a dreary stinker of a remake, I'd boycott it anyway, to protest these distractingly moving, garishly colored intrusions. My hero would be anyone who can get these atrocities gone for good.

(Watch "Heroes" video online here.)

[Above: The new kids. Dania Ramirez as Maya, Shalim Ortiz as Alejandro, in NBC photo by Trae Patton.]

Wow. Can you feel the excitement of the night that has nearly arrived - and naturally, I speak of "Dancing with the Stars," season five (WABC/7 at 8).

This is a big deal, for "Dancing" fans anyway, so let's get straight down to business. Who's gonna win?

I'm sticking the neck at this moment, and will predict the winner of the fifth season of "Dancing," and that is...(can you feel the excitement?)...and her name is...(have you guessed yet?)...

There's logic to my madness, so read my handicaps, and then tell me how little I know, or whether I’m on to something.

• Melanie "Mel B" Brown, 32, Spice Girls, partner, Maksim Chmerkovskiy. Odds: 7:1. I kinda like Scary's chances because she's exactly the right age - the average age of the past four winners is 32 - but there's so much career baggage that she's bringing to the dance floor that I find it almost impossible to imagine her winner.

• Helio Castroneves, 32, racecar driver, partner, Julianne Hough. Odds: 8:1. "Stars" loves athletes - the last two winners - but 'Neves problem may be simply that he's a guy and the odds are that a woman will win this time.

• Mark Cuban, 48, businessman (owner of NBA's Dallas Mavericks), partner, Kym Johnson. Odds: 1,000:1. Knows how to make money, and probably dance too, but he's way too old.

• Jennie Garth, 35, actress ("Beverly Hills, 90210"), partner, Derek Hough. 10:1. Again, we have an age issue here. Not a serious one, and if she had even the slightest athletic background, that would be a factor in her favor, but she doesn't so...

• Josie Maran, 29, supermodel, partner, Alec Mazo. Odds: 100:1. I just don't think Maran's got the heart for this. She told TV Guide she used to think the show was cheesy - naturally, she was right - and decided to do this to promote her new line of cosmetics.

• Cameron Mathison, 38, actor (“All My Children”), partner, Edyta Sliwinska. Odds: 20:1. Interesting possibility, and actors seem to do well here. Did you know (I didn't) that Mathison had to wear leg braces as a kid? (He had Perthes disease, per his Wiki entry.) Doubtful that'd be a factor now...

• Floyd Mayweather, Jr., 30, boxer, partner, Karina Smirnoff. Odds: 50:1. On paper, he's perfect - right age and great athlete. But he's also got a big fight coming up in December, and that's gotta be a huge distraction.

• Wayne Newton, 65, singer, partner, Cheryl Burke. Odds: 500,000:1. This would be a million to one, except his partner is Burke, who is a miracle worker. But miracles won't work here.

• Marie Osmond, 47, singer/doll designer, partner, Jonathan Roberts. Odds: 1000:1. Wrong age. Simple as that.

• Albert Reed, 22, supermodel, partner, Anna Trebunskaya. Odds: 10:1. Sight unseen, he's a possibility, but expect a woman to win the fifth season.

• Jane Seymour, 56, actress, partner, Tony Dovolani. Wrong age. Also simple as that.

And our winner is...

• Sabrina Bryan, 22, actress, partner, Mark Ballas. Odds: 4:1. On paper, she absolutely looks right. Right sex (a woman HAS to win this time), right age (athleticism is a major deciding factor), and right affiliation. She's a Disney employee, and the Cheetah Girls movie is coming out next year, and don't you think the judges will want to keep her around as long as humanly possible? Also, she's got moves - did a workout video last year.

Our winnah.

Missed “60 Minutes”? That’s easy to do when NFL game overruns skew the start time.

CBS now makes the show’s audio available as a free iTunes podcast download, suitable for portable audio or computer listening, soon after each episode’s premiere. (You can also stream extensive video/audio at CBSnews.com.)

In honor of the show’s 40th season, the CBS site also has a clip from the first broadcast, Sept. 24, 1968, with Mike Wallace and Harry Reasoner. But no ticking clock?

Can’t wait for fall series premieres? Don’t have to. They’re all over the internet.

Among the online highlights:

YAHOO! TV -- The season premiere of “Friday Night Lights” doesn’t hit the tube till Oct. 5, but it’s already streaming here, along with CBS’ “The Big Bang Theory” and NBC’s “Chuck” (both hitting TV Monday, Sept. 24). Soon to come are The CW’s “Aliens in America” (on Yahoo Sept. 24, on TV Oct. 1) and “Life Is Wild” (on Yahoo Sept. 30, on TV Oct. 7), Showtime’s “Dexter” and “Brotherhood” (on TV and on Yahoo Sept. 30), Lifetime’s “Blood Ties” (on Yahoo Oct. 4, on TV Oct. 12), and many more.

AMAZON -- The Unbox download service offers CBS’ “The Big Bang Theory” and NBC’s “Chuck” (on TV Sept. 24), “Journeyman” (Sept. 24), “Life” (Sept. 26) and “Bionic Woman” (Sept. 26), plus encores of “Back to You,” “K-Ville” and more.

ITUNES -- Free downloads include CBS’ “The Big Bang Theory,” plus Fox’ already debuted “Back to You,” “K-Ville” and “Kitchen Nightmares” (the episode with Peter’s in Babylon). Fox plans to post its fall premieres here after they air.

AOL TV -- Premiere video is streaming for NBC’s “Life” (full episode) and “Bionic Woman” (first half).

MSN –- Shows include CBS’ “The Big Bang Theory” premiere and “Kid Nation” encore.

Did you see Dan Rather on "Larry King Live" last night?

Of course not. You were watching that re-run of "CSI." But CNN, in their infinite kindness, has sent a transcript, and I'll give you my thoughts (in itals) on some of the things Dan said.

Quick background: He's suing CBS and Viacom for 70 million smackers (LK didn't ask about the specificity of the figure, but my hunch is that it represents DR's earnings as an anchorman at "Evening News") over getting sidelined then fired for that September 2004 story on Prez Bush's National Guard record. Remember? DR and his team produced some document that said the future prez shirked his Guard duties. Blah blah blah. It was all very controversial, because some righties in the blogosphere said the doc was forged while DR/CBS couldn't prove otherwise. There was an on-air apology, a corporate investigation, Dan was put on latrine duty, and Katie Couric was hired. "Evening News" ratings, meanwhile, remain very bad.

That's the shorthand - with some massive elisions - and Dan really didn't clean toilets (his maid does that). But you get the idea.

To the outtakes!

DR: "But, you know, among the many things that my late father, God rest his soul, taught me, is don't whine, don't complain, don't fall in the trap of saying well, it's bad
luck or good luck. Stand up, look them in the eye, tell them what you know tell them what you don't know. And I tried to do that.

I'm not a victim of anything except my own shortcomings."

My take: Um, Dan, if your own shortcomings are to blame, then why are you suing? Maybe you should go over this carefully with your lawyer before taking the stand.

DR: "The management -- the ownership and management. And, you know, what they did was they sacrificed support for independent journalism for corporate financial gain. And in so doing, I think they undermined a lot at CBS News..."

My take: Um, Dan. What financial gain? Did Bush write Viacom chief Sumner Redstone a check to take you off the air? Again, talk with your lawyer about this.

KING: But there were some erroneous things in the report, right, weren't there?

DR: That has not been proven. What -- the one place, the one place that we were vulnerable -- I acknowledged it and wish we hadn't been was -- I want to make it very clear, nobody to this day has shown that these documents were fraudulent. Nobody has proved that they were fraudulent, much less a forgery, which they're often described that way. The facts of the story, the truth of the story stands up to this day.

And what is journalism?

Journalism is trying to get at the truth, trying to separate bull shine from brass tacks. And the brass tacks were in that story. The story was true.

My take: Fine Dan. Let's say the story WAS true. But what about the documents? Fake or real? Would you swear on your dear father's grave they were true? And isn't it incumbent on the journalist - that would be you - to conclusively establish that they were genuine documents, and not necessarily incumbent on that independent commission? And how can the overall story be "true" if you can't determine with a hundred percent certainty that the documents in question were "true?" Isn't journalism trying to separate the bull shine from the brass tacks?:

DR: Now, I was in a supervisory role... In this particular situation, in a hurricane, Republican National Convention, President Bill Clinton was having heart surgery and we had this President Bush story. Plus, "60 Minutes" had, at that time, a very good story questioning some of what was being said about why we needed to go to war and have we gone to war...I did the best I can. I did work on this story. But my role in this particular case, as it was in some others, was to have a supervisory capacity. However...

My take: "Supervisory?" Please define this word, Mr. Rather. Does it mean you oversaw it, and to what degree? And didn't you do some of the interviews as well? That must mean you had a "participatory" role as well, correct? And in your supervisory capacity, did you not demand the veracity of those documents be established beyond any doubt?

DR: Our problem started, Larry, when we did Abu Ghraib. We did Abu Ghraib on "60 Minutes II." We broke that story worldwide with a really good team of people. Right after that, the corporate -- the network wanted to cancel "60 Minutes II".

My take: CBS wanted to cancel "60 Minutes II" because the ratings were terrible, not because of Abu Ghraib, Dan. And by the way, doesn't Abu Ghraib belie everything you've just said about CBS caving to the White House? It was one of the single most damaging stories of the entire war.

DR: I do want to make a point, Larry, here, that somebody will look at it and say he's suing for $70 million. For me, it's not about the money. It is about this principle of what we're going to do with our democracy.

My take: When someone says it's not about the money, it's about the money.

DR: Point one, I don't take programs to air. That can only be done by management and with the approval of the corporate side. I don't have a button on my computer that takes "60 Minutes" to air. That belongs to other people -- the executive producer and the president of the division.

My take: But you did, Dan, have a direct say over what went into "Evening News." And the document story appeared there as well.

DR: [LKL at this point airs a video of DR's on-air apology] CBS News and this reporter fully believed the documents were genuine. Tonight, after further investigation, we can no longer vouch for their authenticity. The failure of CBS News to do just that, to Properly fully scrutinize the documents and their source, led to our airing the documents when we should not have done so. It was a mistake. CBS News deeply regrets it. Also, I want to say personally and directly, I'm sorry.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

KING: Does your lawsuit belie that?

RATHER: No, but it puts it in context. First of all, note that this was about the documents, not of about the truth of what we reported in it..Where we were vulnerable is that we couldn't demonstrate to everybody's satisfaction that the documents [were genuine but] what the story reports isn't true, because it was true.

My take: Whoa Nelly - you're saying two things here, DR. That it doesn't really matter whether the documents were fake or not - the story was true anyway. The jury and judge will take one look at this statement and throw the case out. Stick a fork in this lawsuit right now.

KING: Your lawsuit asserts the following about that apology: "Despite his own personal feelings that no apology from him was warranted, Mr. Rather had read the apology as
instructed."

So you were instructed to read that. It was written by someone else.

RATHER: Most of it. Nearly all of it was written by somebody else. That's correct.

KING: Who was...?

RATHER: And that -- I stand by that. That's correct.

My take: So you stand by the apology? Good Lord, this is getting nutty.

DR: Career-wise, it was not a comfortable... I didn't want to apologize. I didn't think we should apologize. But, as I say, I cared enough about CBS news and it was put to me that way...

My take: Good Lord, this getting really nutty.

DR: If God smiles and we'll be a little lucky, we will be able to make a legacy of the principle that independent journalism is very important in our way of life and our government.

My take: After everything we've just heard here, there is no case.

Film buffs will love this great Turner Classic Movies stunt -- a “first words” marathon of early talkies in which silent stars were first heard by their fans.

Speaking up in Saturday’s TCM lineup:

• Charlie Chaplin in 1940’s “The Great Dictator” (8 p.m.) -- a surprisingly biting Hitler satire made on the eve of America’s entry into World War II, by his unlikely comic doppelganger, who’d avoided speaking on-screen for more than a decade.

• Harold Lloyd in 1929’s “Welcome Danger” (10:15 p.m.) -- the all-American go-getter, sounding pretty much as fans expected, in a one-time silent feature awkwardly reshot with sound.

• Buster Keaton in 1930’s “Free and Easy” (12:15 a.m.) -- trying hard as a talent agent, but seeing his career being killed by MGM, which inserts such studio hands as Lionel Barrymore, William Haines, Robert Montgomery, Cecil B. DeMille.

• Greta Garbo in 1930’s “Anna Christie” (2 a.m.) -- in which the silent siren announces herself by demanding a whiskey (“and don’t be stingy”).

• Lon Chaney in 1930’s “The Unholy Three” (3:30 a.m.) -- a remake of his 1925 silent, with the “man of a thousand faces” as a sinister carnival ventriloquist (in, sadly, Chaney’s only talkie before his early death).

The talkies get their due fall on TCM, as it celebrates the 80th anniversary of the coming-of-sound with “The Jazz Singer” Oct. 16. On that date, TCM premieres a restored version of Warner Bros.’ 1927 Al Jolson sensation, along with early Vitaphone sound shorts and 1926’s “Don Juan,” considered the first sound feature, though this one used only a synchronized music score and sound effects. It wasn’t till Jolson burst forth that America learned it “ain’t heard nothing yet.”

Read more at the links above.

Bring on the hook.

Welcome pioneers (o pioneers!) We're into a brave new world, where lord of the flies rules, and there's darkness at noon, and the plague is upon us.

Kids - who are people too - are being exploited by TV!

Not that that's ever happened before, mind you, going back to the very first day of TV when "Howdy Doody" and Bob Smith asked the nippers what time it was, and then told them to tell mom to buy that tube of Colgate (or was it Crest)? Whatever: "Kid Nation" is the latest cause celebre among hand-wringers who see this as evidence that something sick is upon the nation, and that a country - or medium - that exploits its most vulnerable must be corrupt beyond measure.

But in fact this controversy - the only side show that has made the 2007 fall season even remotely interesting - turns out to be just another bogus now-you-see-it-now-you-don't con job by CBS. The network didn't give out DVDs to critics (who of course whined about the fact that the DHL package wasn't dropped at their front door) because CBS knew they'd whine! Various agencies (that is, bureaucracies which have to prove to their political overlords what they're doing to earn their paycheck in the first place) "investigated" whether producers violated child labor laws only because their political overlords read in the PAPERS that laws might have been violated. You'd like to think that CBS orchestrated this, but even networks aren't that devious or clever (and when they are, they fall flat on their face).

All that really matters in the end, though, is the show, and the show - as it turns out - is simply bad. Kids are people, too, and - as a result - they're also boring, annoying, tiresome, greedy, needy, silly, and bratty. Could producer Tom Foreman have round forty less attractive, appealing children than these? Almost certainly not, because their parents are such vaporous, viperous, venal vamps. Acorns never really fall far from the tree.

Yes, "Kid Nation" stinks. It's disjointed. It's a bore. It's a snore. It's a whore - with production tricks stolen directly from "Survivor" (Mark Burnett should be calling his lawyer.) Its drama is manufactured, desperately manufactured. That moment when Sonia won the gold star, and called mom who just HAPPENED to have a camera crew back in her kitchen in Florida? Amazing how stuff like that happens.

"I feel like sometimes I'm just surrounded by a whole lot of dumb people," says Sonia.

From the mouth of babes...

"What eight year old would want to be away from their parents, in the desert?" asks Cody.

Who would want to spend one hour of their valuable life watching them?

Keep your toddlers occupied with an iPod, without guilt. “Sesame Street” launched original educational podcasts this week, featuring Elmo, Big Bird and other kid-familiar characters. Plus, for the parents, adult celebs like Jon Stewart and Sarah Jessica Parker appear in the five-minute episodes created strictly for podcast/computer viewing.

Jumping off from the show’s “Word on the Street” segments, the colorful weekly podcasts can be subscribed to and downloaded for free from iTunes and Sesame Workshop. First up: NBC newsman Brian Williams going gonzo for “squid.”

Meanwhile, ABC is promoting its fall sitcom “Cavemen” -- considered DOA by most critics who’ve seen it -- with “Cavetalk” podcasts, available at ABC.com and iTunes. The hairy characters answer “viewer questions” and put the kibosh on rumors they’re related to Bigfoot.

Ha. Ha.

When I dropped by Peter’s restaurant in Babylon last night, an hour before the premier of Kitchen Nightmares, they were hooking up auxiliary speakers to the flat-screen TV. As Fox’s viewing public now knows, Peter’s was the first recipient—or victim—of Gordon Ramsay’s culinary counsel. Back in March, the pugnacious British chef had swept into this modest Italian restaurant and had exposed everything—family strife, non-working stoves, frozen crab cakes—to the cold light of a television production crew.

The restaurant is owned by Tina Pelligrino, but its dominant presence is that of her brother, Peter. (He’s not the restaurant’s namesake, Tina explained; the place was named for their grandfather who founded it.)

Now that the specter of Joey Buttafuoco has faded, the South Shore of Long Island needs another poster boy and, in the show, Peter Pelligrino rises to the challenge. He comes off as selfish, crass, vain and violent: skimming money off the restaurant’s profits to buy a fancy car, an expensive tan, gleaming teeth and jewelry. He insults the wait staff within earshot of their tables, he physically threatens his creditors and, worst of all, neither he nor Tina seem to care that their kitchen barely functions and sends out consistently mediocre food.

Was Peter nervous about his upcoming small-screen debut? “As Shakespeare said,” quoth he, “‘All the world’s a stage.’”

The fledgling thespian—“this restaurant is my Carnegie hall”—said he has studied with acting coach Olinda Turturro. Years ago, he was stopped on the street by “Bobby De Niro” who liked his look. This led to a small role in “A Bronx Tale” (uncredited) and other De Niro movies. “I read seven times for the Soprano’s,” he said.

The five days Ramsay spent in Babylon, Peter said, were life-changing ones. “He made me toe the line,” he said. “I concede—he was right and I was wrong.” At the end of the one-hour episode, the bull has turned into a pussycat. He works hard, praises his employees and even sponsors a Family Day for Babylon. I asked him if, six months later, he feels that he has still turned over a new leaf. “I turned over a whole forest,” he responded.

We’ll see. I witnessed some very dismissive words directed at his long-suffering sister.

But I don’t think he’ll be around for long. Peter is an avowed scenester who considers himself “part of the woodwork” at Cipollini, the trendy Manhasset restaurant. He’s also a regular at the Manhattan Eurotrash magnets Da Silvano, in the Village, and Nello’s on the Upper East Side. Tony Danza loves his artichokes.

And he’s got some television projects “in the works.”

For all that, he makes for some very entertaining TV. Which was probably his intention all along.

You’d think being a WWE wrestler would toughen you up. Doesn’t seem to have happened, though, for Ashley Massaro [at center of CBS photo, with bandana]. The East Northport native makes quite an impression, all right, on Thursday’s season premiere of “Survivor: China” (8 p.m. on CBS/2). Just not the best kind.

The buxom blonde shows up in fishnets and combat boots (and lip piercings), and immediately rolls up into a ball saying she’s sick. Her yellow-themed Zhan Hu tribe isn’t so healthy competitively, either, beset by disorganization, infighting and endless whining. The rival, red Fei Long tribe manages to suck it up through a drenching rain at what “Survivor” host Jeff Probst calls the “harsh and remote land” of China’s Lake of a Thousand Islands.

The opening scenic tour is grand indeed -- a 16th century Buddhist temple, the Great Wall, pandas and monkeys, bamboo rainforests. The tribes are even handed scrolls from which to read the ancient Chinese treatise “The Art of War,” in which neither they nor the show evinces much interest. As always, the castaways are busier sizing each other up and plotting strategy.

The show meanwhile dedicates its energy to creating “characters.” Shy/hunky southern gravedigger James. Laconic/older farmer “Chicken.” Shallow NYC waitress Courtney. Bossy Chinese-American Peih-Gee. Gay Mormon flight attendant Todd. And his unlikely confidant, macho/cunning poker player Jean-Robert Bellande [right rear of photo, in black shirt], who hails from Commack but now lives in Vegas (natch).

They’re as mixed a bunch as any, but hardly earth-shakers. And the season’s vaunted China location quickly devolves into ethnic banality. The suspense-boosting music carries a vaguely Asian sound as the teams carry heavy parade dragons through the swamp and over the drawbridge in their premiere-night challenge.

Sneak a video peek here.

Jack Bauer is back Jan. 13-14, the two-night season premiere event Fox announced today for its rebounding thriller "24."

But the big news is the return of Carlos Bernard as sorely missed -- and previously presumed dead -- CTU cohort Tony Almeida. Turns out maybe Tony wasn't killed when left horribly wounded [Fox photo above] in CTU's infirmary by a terrorist conspirator in Season 5. (Remember what a bloodbath that one was. Michelle Dessler. President Palmer. Sean Astin's new CTU head. A corpse cast of thousands.)

“Tony’s uncertain fate near the end of ‘Day 5’ left the door open for his return,” showrunner Howard Gordon said in Fox' press release. “And since there was no silent clock at the conclusion of his last appearance -- the '24' tribute to a major character’s demise -- we always kept this as a possibility.”

Kiefer Sutherland's Jack Bauer character will now be in D.C. and on trial for last season's renegade activities. In the vicinity will be Mary Lynn Rajskub's Chloe O'Brian and James Morrison's Bill Buchanan.

Others on hand include Cherry Jones (“The Heiress”) as President Allison Taylor and Colm Feore (“Slings & Arrows”) as prez hubby Henry Taylor. Bob Gunton (“Desperate Housewives”) is White House Chief of Staff Ethan Kanin. And Janeane Garofalo (“The Larry Sanders Show”) arrives as FBI agent Janis Gold.

The Muslim holy month of Ramadan is the latest holiday to get its own minisite from The History Channel.

The online info explores the history of Ramadan, Islamic traditions and the prophet Muhammad, through text, photos, maps and a variety of streaming video segments.

There's also a message board for discussion.

Filling the guest seat at tonight's Judges' Table was André Soltner, one of this country’s most acclaimed French chefs. Soltner, a native of Alsace, was the chef who opened the classic New York restaurant Lutèce in 1961. In 1972 he bought the restaurant and, with his wife Simone, presided over it until 1994, when he sold it to Ark Restaurants. (Ten years later, the restaurant closed.) Soltner now serves as Dean of Classic Studies at the French Culinary Institute in Manhattan.

I spoke to him on Wednesday morning about his life in the kitchen.

How did you become a Top Chef?

A lot of training, hard work and experience. I started my apprenticeship in 1948 when I was 14 and I did that for three years. After that I earned a certificate and was made a commis [the lowest position in a French kitchen]. You had to be a commis for two or three years. Then you became a chef de partie [head of a cooking station]. After a little while—two, three, five years, depending on the man—if you were lucky you became a sous chef and, eventually, the chef. I was considered very young when I became a chef at 26, but that was after 12 years of training.

Do your students at FCI expect that it’s going to take them 12 years to become a chef?

Here it is different. For us we were learning and working. We learned a lot, but at the same time we paid the restaurant back by working—cleaning the stoves, starting the fires.

When I started at FCI, I said “it’s impossible to train people in six months.” But I really was wrong. After six months or two years, they learn the basics and they can cook.

But without a lengthy traditional apprenticeship, are they missing something?

Yes and no. On the one hand, they spend all their time cooking—no working—and I know that after six months of purely cooking, they know more than we learned after three years. But after an apprenticeship, when you have been working, you have a different attitude, more disciplined. When it’s just school, the discipline is a little lacking.

Do chefs graduating from culinary school these days have unrealistic expectations?

Some of them do. I try to explain this to my students: “You’re not Paul Bocuse. Maybe some day you will be.”

What role does creativity play in cooking?

It is very important, but it means nothing if you don’t know how to cook. In this country, creativity is overdone. I remember years ago when this thing started. Everyone wanted to create new dishes. I have cooked now for 59 years. If you asked me what dishes did I create, I am speechless. I changed recipes—I discovered little things to improve them—but create is a big word. I like to cook the recipes we have.

What do you make of explosion of cooking shows on television?

There’s good and bad. On the good side, people learn that the most important thing is to cook with good ingredients. That is a big advance. The bad thing is that there are chefs on television with two or three years experience. They are put on pedestal like stars and then they think they are stars. But we are not stars, we are craftspeople.

Craftspeople, as opposed to artists?

In my life, I was always fighting that. We are not artists, we are craftspeople. Here is the difference: An artist like a painter doesn’t do great paintings all through his life. One week he does a beautiful painting and another week it is not beautiful. So he puts the not-beautiful painting away.

Chefs have to produce every day. The customer who has a beautiful meal on Monday also has to have a beautiful meal on Tuesday. To do it every day we have to be craftsmen, we have to be consistent.

People always ask me, what is the secret? There is no secret. You need absolutely the best ingredients. The next thing is to be consistent, to cook as well on Tuesday as you did on Monday. Creativity comes after that.

Do you watch Top Chef?

I have not watched it.

How about tonight?

My whole life as a chef I went to bed at one, two o’clock in the morning. Now [since he sold Lutèce] I go to bed at nine. But tonight I’ll stay up late to watch it.

This seems like grim news, but no reason to jump to conclusions: Robin Roberts announced on the air this morning she'll undergo chemo and radiation therapy as part of her treatment for breast cancer. In others words, her recent surgery did not catch all of the cancer.

I don't normally do this and am not going to get in the habit either, but I imagine that Roberts fans - and there are many of them, myself included - might like to read some of the highly unusual ABC press release in its entirety, without my two cents thrown in.

So here it is:

"Good Morning America" anchor Robin Roberts announced on air today that she will begin undergoing chemotherapy Thursday to treat breast cancer, but she plans to work as often as she can.

After a successful surgery Aug. 3, Roberts said her doctors determined that chemotherapy will be the most effective form of treatment. That will be followed by radiation treatment, she said.

"Tomorrow I will come in, and then head off for my chemotherapy," she said.
She expressed her thanks to viewers, co-workers and guests for their incredible outpouring of well-wishes. Roberts said that many viewers had tips and ideas for dealing with treatment.
"Somebody said eat a lot of bacon before I have chemo," she said. "I don't know about that one. That's a new one."

Roberts also said she had a great "heart-to-heart" talk about cancer with Tony Snow, who just resigned as the White House press secretary after being diagnosed with colon cancer. [By the way, that interview aired last week.]

"I'll work as much as I can," Roberts said. "Part of the reason I am coming forward is in case you tune in and it looks like Kojak is sitting next to Diane, you'll understand why."

Wanna catch up to the new fall season on your iPod?

The iTunes store has posted free downloads of Fox’ “K-Ville” drama debut and CBS’ sitcom “The Big Bang Theory,” plus Monday’s season premiere of “Prison Break.”

Other tube-tied downloads (for purchase) at iTunes include TNT’s “Saving Grace” and “The Closer,” the classic miniseries “Roots,” and a wide range of new and vintage shows. There’s even a quick click section devoted to this year’s Emmy winners (“30 Rock,” “Ugly Betty,” “My Name Is Earl,” “Lost” and more).

Remember, you can watch a lot of the networks' shows on their own web sites, too.

More than 300 personal reminiscences of World War II are already posted at New York War Stories, the WLIW/WNET web site launched in conjunction with next weekend’s premiere of Ken Burns’ 15-hour epic “The War” (begins Sunday, on WNET/13 at 8 p.m., on WLIW/21 at 10 p.m.).

This text archive can be searched, or explored by subject (Pearl Harbor, Normandy, branch of service, etc.). And your own submissions are still welcome.

Dozens of local video recollections are also housed at the site. From this collection, the stations will debut two programs on TV this week -- “New York Goes to War” (Thursday at 8 p.m. on Ch. 21, 9:30 p.m. on Ch. 13), and “New York War Stories” (Saturday at 7:30 p.m. on Ch. 21, 9 p.m. on Ch. 13). See site for additional airtimes.

There’s also a student contest for multi-media projects, with online resources to draw from.

And next year's host will be....

Oh this can't be good, can it?

The Emmys Sunday night on Fox scored the second lowest total viewership in history (13 mill) - the 1990 show actually had like five fewer people watching.

In other words, Simon was right. Blame Ryan Seacrest. But really, why is the host always to blame for these fiascoes? If you noticed - and I did - he was on-screen for only about three minutes, tops. The opening duet with Stewie Griffin and Brian ate up more screen time. So why not blame them? The fact is, hosts are always to blame. That’s just the law, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it.

I personally don't think Seacrest bombed; Ray Romano bombed; Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert bombed; Brad Garrett bombed. Ryan merely strafed. Nevertheless, he must take full responsibility, and on that pretext, we now offer a list of proposed hosts for next year's broadcast on ABC. Each of these suggestions will reverse the stigma that the Emmys are now saddled with (dull, tastesless, stupid). Each will bring new viewers to the show and hold them to the bitter end.

Each will generate hundreds of newspaper stories, with these types of headlines: "Will Viewers Embrace Emmy Host?" "Advertisers Mull Exotic Emmy Hosting Choice;" "Internal Battle at ABC Over Hosting Choice, Sources Say;" "Emmy Host Promises to Undergo Rehab Before Broadcast;" "Emmy Host Says Police Record and Mug Shot Posted on Smoking Gun Were Falsified;" "Emmy Host Apologizes to Family of Injured Photographer; Promises Restitution;" "ABC Stands By Host Choice;" “LAPD Promises To Post Extra Guards at Shrine on Sunday.”

And so on. The net result of this sort of publicity?

Viewership! Now you've got it, friend. Also, the beauty of these choices is that none require any explanation. All you have to do is say the name, and the lightbulb goes off. "Of COURSE."

Here's my list, in no particular order.

1.) Lindsay Lohan. Clean and sober by then, but does it really matter?

2.) Kid Rock and Tommy Lee. Put Pamela in the front row!

3.) Borat. In character, of course.

4.) Rosie O. and Trumpster. It's pure GENIUS!

5.) Britney. Put Kevin in front row!

6.) Carmen Electra. Put Dennis Rodman in front row!

7.) Paris Hilton. Go ahead- tell me you didn't think of this first?

8.) Sally Field: So many bleeps we wouldn't even see her monologue.

9.) Keira Knightley: Guess her weight? Win a trip to the 2009 Emmys!

10.) O.J.: Four words - Innocent Until Proven Guilty.

This time, the glove fits.

“Nissan Live Sets on Yahoo Music” moves from the web to TV tonight when MTV’s high-def channel MHD premieres a half-hour set by Rascal Flatts, Monday at 9 p.m. (repeats at midnight and 2:30 a.m.).

The twice-monthly internet series will be seen monthly in HD on MHD, while still available on-demand at the Yahoo site with such added content as backstage photos and in-person blogs. Performers have included Melissa Etheridge, Maroon 5, Common, Christina Aguilera, Kelly Clarkson and The Stooges.

You can also catch an encore of this year's MTV Video Music Awards in high-def on MHD this Saturday at 9 p.m. This means Britney Spears in unsurpassed clarity -- be warned. If standard-def is all you can stand, regular old MTV repeats the ceremony Monday at 2 p.m., Wednesday at 4 p.m., Thursday at 10 a.m. and Saturday at 2 p.m.

Bless those g---d----- &$%#&@ Emmys!

What would I do without them? They're the gift that keeps on giving, for at least a couple hours afterwards. They're the blogger's dream AND nightmare: An endless stream of material that cries out for something....

On this morning's post-Emmys show, we'll just right to it all, one by one:

Theater in the Round: Fox dispensed with the standard proscenium theater, and I actually think this worked reasonably well. Viewers - and those at the Shrine - got some intimacy at the expense of big show theatrics (which are often a bore or embarrassment anyway.)

Ryan Seacrest: The guy didn't bomb, and that's all that counts. His jokes were bland, and Fox obviously decided to cut his on-screen time by having Ray Romano provide pretty much the balance of the monologue - only marginally better. Seacrest proved that hosts are irrelevant to these things (unless they're Conan, whose inspired 2006 opening was probably the most memorable, the only memorable, part of the 2006 awards).

Charlie "Lucky Lucci" Sheen: It's one thing to get nominated. It's another to get passed over. It's another still to get passed over multiple times. It's yet another (after that) to be forced to endure three maybe four really lame jokes (on national TV) about your boorish behavior with regards the opposite sex. It's even one more thing beyond that to sit right up there in the front so that everyone can see your reaction each time.
This is almost enough to make you feel sorry for the guy.
My advice: Pull a Ricky Gervais/Judy Davis and stay home next time.

Have a little pity.

Sally Field: There's something about witless babble at the Emmys that fills me with unbridled joy. So thank you, Sally. Really - THANK you. The morning after we learn that she was bleeped for saying some sort of naughty word; apparently it was "g--d------;can't wait for the TMZ clip, OR the clip of whatever the heck it was that Katherine Heigl or Romano said either.

Mothers bleeped.

The Jersey Boys: This was a mistake. Can you think of anything more diametrically opposed to the spirit of "The Sopranos?" A Tony Bennett duet with Celine Dion (singing "Endless Love?") Elton John and "Candle in the Wind?" Boy George attempting...

Tony woulda winced

Greatest Injustice Award goes to: Edie Falco, for not getting her rightful award last night.

Supreme Justice Award goes to: "30 Rock," which is the best of this field (though "Extras" should have been included).

Funniest Bit Award goes to: Through my fog of recollection, I'm thinking the Rainn Wilson/Kanye West "Don't Forget the Lyrics" spoof. West bobbled his own "Stronger," earning the Wayne Brady rebuke: "You picked the wrong time to speak properly."

Lamest Bit Award goes to: That endless strange noisy listless banter between Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart. Expectations were great - not once met.

Most awkward: I'm thinking Lewis Black. Funny guy, with some funny lines about TV execs (you come up with all these bad ideas - "why don't you run for office..") But the anti-TV news rant was endless, surprisingly (even for him) bitter, and then he closes with a plug for the Fox schedule.

So much for my Emmy predictions.

Obviously, “The Sopranos” wasn’t going to leave HBO’s air without being named best drama. So I got one big one right.

Beyond that? Well, I tried.

Because Emmy uncorks a weird one or two every year, I took a wild stab at predicting Minnie Driver to win drama actress for FX’ “The Riches.” (Nope. They really, really love Sally Field. Who I did say actually deserved the award. Same with me saying “30 Rock” should win. Maybe I should trust my own judgment.)

Instead, it was another Brit, Ricky Gervais of HBO’s “Extras,” who stunned everyone by taking the comedy actor prize. (Sorry, Alec.)

I did get some other picks right. “Ugly Betty’s” America Ferrera for comedy actress, AMC’s epic western “Broken Trail” for miniseries, HBO’s big-money “Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee” for TV movie, CBS’ “Amazing Race” for reality competition (five in a row now, as close to a sure thing as there is in the universe, except maybe James Spader for drama actor).

So that’s five right and four wrong. At least I beat the house.

6:20 p.m. Sunday --

Did I say Ryan Seacrest was bland? OK, I did. When Fox announced him as Emmy host. And again in Newsday's big Emmy preview.

But the Crester showed some spunk on E!'s Emmy red carpet pre-show Sunday. "It's nice to be half naked today," he enthused to "Heroes" babe Ali Larter, referencing the weekend's stifling L.A. heat and her less-than-covering red gown. "Glistening heat," Seacrest had called it earlier, apparently trying to steam up his lukewarm image however he could.

E! also employed – no, not Joan Rivers, that's so 2003 – such technological "innovations" as a "stilletto-cam" for extreme close-ups of the stars' shoes. They also had a "glamistrator" with which fashionistas Carson Kressley and Kimora Lee Simmons scribbled commentary over freeze-frames of the celebs' frocks and gems. "It's a sea of cleavage and I'm starting to like it," said the Queer Eye guy. Oh, my.

Update due in a few . . .

6:35 p.m. Sunday --

So Ryan's not so swift, after all. Kathy Griffin, who caused all that trouble at last weekend's creative arts Emmys, brought Steve Wozniak as her guest. Seacrest had not even a glimmer of recognition of the Apple computer co-founder, even after Griffin mentioned his "billion reasons" for sweating in the heat. "You don't even know who he is," Griffin sneered. "I'm hoping you do something really hideous" in hosting the Emmy ceremony, she added, "because I have a special coming up and I can use my Seacrest good seven-eight minute chunk."

I have a feeling, Kathy, that won't be a problem.

More to come . . .

7:15 p.m. Sunday --

The Fox network is doing its hourlong red carpet pre-show in high def.

Oooh, scary for celebs. We can see Tony Shalhoub's five o'clock shadow in every-follicle detail. And people like Joely Fisher, not the youngest pup in Hollywood, might be trepidacious. But Fisher looks fab -- actually better in HD on Fox than in standard-def on E! Go figure.

Too bad Fox is wasting waaaay too much time promoting itself. Like we care what Wayne Brady has to say about "Don't Forget the Lyrics." Please.

Checking back soon . . .

7:25 p.m. Sunday --

Like I care about Fox' "carbon footprint" under the red carpet canopy.

Dying of boredom here.

Actually wishing Seacrest wasn't "out" already . . .

7:35 p.m. Sunday --

There's something worse than the Fox preshow.

It's Joan and Melissa Rivers live-blogging the red carpet. Suddenly it's not hard to see why they lost the E!/TV Guide Network gigs.

Back on E!, Seacrest is filing haven't-seen-Britney-yet reports from inside the Shrine Auditorium, where he's standing alongside the tradition-breaking in-the-round set. I'm sorta liking him again. The boy does work hard. E's tube-watcher Kristin is so obnoxious doing interviews outside, Ryan could actually be my god right now. E! has descended to showing how to open bras. And the demonstration model is on a guy.

Oy . . .

Sneak a peek at some of the new shows covered in Newsday's Sunday fall TV preview section.

Scroll down for clips of "Pushing Daisies," "K-Ville," "Dirty Sexy Money," "Back to You," "Bionic Woman," and other debuts.

Not E!, nor TV Guide Network, not even showbiz wannabe VH1 is putting Joan Rivers (and daughter Melissa) on the red carpet this Emmy go-round.

Sunday’s live telecast (8-11 p.m. on Fox) will be merely live blogged by the Rivers girls, on a VH1 website, true -- she's already riffing at emmyswithjoan.com -- but c’mon. No on-scene nattering? No forgetting celebs’ names to their faces? No live-TV exhaustion meltdowns to rival those of Jerry Lewis?

What is the tube world coming to?

The Giff is Back.

Excuse me if I'm wrong on this, but when Kathie Lee Gifford - referred henceforth as KLG - left "Live!" back in 2000, wasn't it kind of under a cloud? Not a huge fat Rosie O-kinda cloud, with guns drawn, bullets flying, producers' bodies falling...

But a little bit of a cloud - Gelman fed up with the fights, the back office execs - like the infinitely patient Art Moore - tired of her demands, and tantrums, and misbehavior? Only Regis, class act that he is, pretended everything was peachy keen.

In any event, there she was this morning again, on "Live with Regis and Kelly and KLG." It was nice reunion: Lots of laughs, and really, you almost forgot there were ever any problems at all. (Which was the whole idea.) The 20th anniversary edition was "previously recorded." Didn't KLG want to get in the studio at 9 for a live show? Just kidding! I'm sure she would have turned up at 3 a.m....

There was a generous clip segment before she walked on, and it was smartly packaged because it really did remind us all exactly what she did best over those years - physical comedy - and it also reminded me just how tacky she was too (endless jokes and jibs about butts and boobs and various sexual bodily functions.)

"People say, how do you really feel about your co-hosts," Reeg said in a pre-taped intro. Interestingly, he didn't answer the question. It just kinda drifted off....

I actually spoke with Gelman a couple weeks ago about the reunion and how he and Reeg REALLY felt about KLG. He insisted reports of friction were vastly overblown, while Reeg and KLG continue to be close friends: "You saw what goes on the air, and it wasn't much deeper than that...You know, we got along most of the time. We had disagreements. I thought I was producing the show in the right way and sometimes she disagreed."

With KLG, he added, "it was kind of like with any family - you have a lot in common, we shared that over so many years...So I can say we saw eye to eye on 99 percent of things that went on, but sure..."

She left on July 28, 2000, and guess what happened? Ratings soared! If memory serves, Reeg’s ratings grew by nearly a quarter.

OK, the past is the past. How was KLG? She looked great, though joked, "I was so young and skinny. That's what I'm crying about [right now.]" She said, "I've been doing work that's really really fulfilling to me; that's what makes me happy." No clue, by the way, what that "work" is. She then did a pretty good imitation of Reeg, then talked about hot flashes, and how she was getting hot around Kelly.

No kidding! A lesbian joke on "Live with Regis and Kelly and KLG!" Some things, sigh, just never change, do they?

Actually, the funniest bits were the taped greetings from the cast of “American Idol” (Simon suggested hiring Paula; she shot the camera a murderous look), and from Conan O’Brien, who offered a canned congratulations message suffused with all the sincerity of a 1-800 commercial on HSN.

Final assessment on KLG: She was a game, lively, often amusing co-host who had the bad misfortune of becoming a tabloid queen (thanks, in part, to some of the exploits of her husband, those AMAZING Christmas specials, and that sweatshop clothes line – remember?) and made one big mistake: She forgot who the REAL star was…who was the ONLY reason this show had staying power over two decades…Who was the GENUINE talk show legend and a TV classic.

We know what HIS name is, don’t we?

Jerry Springer hosts the 13th season premiere of “MADtv” (Saturday 11 p.m. on Fox/5). From his own studio, the daytime ringmaster presents a best-of hour called “MADtv Ruined My Life: The Outrageous Sketches That Shocked a Nation,” recalling such buzz-makers as “The Wizard of Oz: The Lost Footage,” Michael McDonald’s “Secret Skill” and “Hot In Here,” a music video lampooning the church sex scandals.

Upcoming clip collections are hosted by “Survivor” emcee Jeff Probst (Sept. 22, with parodies of “The Sopranos” and “Grey’s Anatomy”) and web gossipmeister Perez Hilton (Sept. 29).

Remember that tomorrow brings the big reunion.

Kathie Lee Gifford visits "Live With Regis and Kelly" Friday morning at 9 a.m. (WABC/7) as part of the show's 20th anniversary celebration. A full hour of clips and reminiscences concludes a two-week salute to two syndicated decades.

Mascarpone. Mas-car-ponay. This creamy fresh Italian cheese is not pronounced, pace Sara and C.J., MaRs-ca-pone.

What can I say? It was a boring episode. Anthony Bourdain’s blog is, again, far more entertaining and informative than the show was.

I was initially confused as to Jimmy Canora’s membership in the Continental Congress of Chefs. Were there chefs at that convocation in Philadelphia that gave us the Declaration of Independence? If so, that would make Canora, what, 250 years old at the youngest?

A little research revealed that Canora’s group is, according to Continental’s web site, “a carefully chosen group of culinary experts who continually evaluate the ever-changing trends and popular flavors of food.” Though it turns out that six of the Congress’ chefs are employed by Continental, and eight represent the airline’s vendors, such as that gourmet powerhouse, Gate Gourmet.

Hung’s decision to cook Chilean sea bass proves once again that this fish’s chief attribute is its near indestructibility. Its appearance on a restaurant menu is usually an indication that the chef has no particular interest in nor talent for fish.

Nor was I surprised that Casey’s cauliflower gratin helped her win the elimination challenge. Something magical happens to cauliflower when combined with béchamel (i.e. white) sauce and lots of cheese. I have made the following recipe, from James Peterson’s “Vegetables” (Morrow, $25), many times. It is always a big hit, even among the cruciferous-averse.

CAULIFLOWER GRATIN

2 tablespoons salt (for pre-cooking cauliflower)
1 head cauliflower (about 1½ pounds)
2 cups béchamel sauce (recipe follows)
1 cup (about 3 ounces) finely grated Swiss Gruyere cheese
Salt and freshly ground pepper
½ cup (about 1 ounce) finely grated Parmesan cheese, or addition Gruyere
2 tablespoons bread crumbs

1. Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Bring 3 quarts of water to a rapid boil with the 2 tablespoons of salt. Cut the cauliflower into 1-inch wide florets. Boil the florets for 4 minutes, drain without rinsing, and spread the cauliflower in a buttered, medium (about 8-cup) oval gratin dish or baking dish just large enough to hold it in a single layer.

2. If the béchamel sauce is cold, bring it to a simmer on the stove while whisking. Stir in the Gruyere cheese into the hot béchamel and adjust the salt and pepper.

3. Spoon the sauce over the cauliflower and sprinkle everything with the Parmesan cheese and bread crumbs. Bake until the gratin is bubbling and lightly browned on top, about 30 minutes. Serve immediately. Makes 4 to 6 side-dish servings.

BECHAMEL SAUCE

2 tablespoons butter
2½ tablespoons all-purpose flour
2 cups milk
1 bay leaf, broken in two
Salt and pepper
1 very small pinch of ground nutmeg

1. Place the butter in a heavy-bottomed 2-quart saucepan over medium heat. As soon as it has melted, add the flour and continue to cook, while stirring with a wooden spoon, until the flour smells toasty, about 5minutes.

2. Pour in half the milk and bring to a simmer while whisking. When the milk has reached a boil and the sauce is smooth, add the rest of the milk, the nutmeg and the bay leaf, and bring to a gentle simmer. Reduce the heat to low and simmer for 15 minutes. Season to taste with salt and pepper, and strain. Makes 2 cups.

Interesting choices here by the "Saturday Night Live" folks for their Sept. 29 fall premiere. (Note: Sarcasm to follow.)

NBA-er LeBron James will host the NBC fave's 33rd season return. Shrinking violet Kanye West has replaced shrinking head Amy Winehouse as musical guest.

The Cleveland Cavaliers star follows in the footsteps of such hallowed "SNL" athlete hosts as Fran Tarkenton, Derek Jeter, Charles Barkley and Joe Montana, whose excuse for excusing himself to go upstairs remains an "SNL" classic.

And who could forget Peyton Manning's inspirational "SNL" United Way spot from earlier this year? (What the bleep?!)

While fall-premiere anticipation builds, "SNL" repeats shows from earlier this year featuring Molly Shannon and Linkin Park (this Saturday) and Jake Gyllenhaal and The Shins (Sept. 22).

Robert Wisdom, breaks out - pun intended - on third season of "Prison Break."

Come Monday, most of us TV critical types will be mentally fogged over after the Emmys (will Ry sing?! Will he dance?!) so it seems like a good a time as any to give a quick preview of the third season premiere of "Prison Break" (this Monday at 8).

For those few "Breakoholics" who missed Fox's late August preview (on the website) you should know (and likely do already) that Scofield (Wentworth Miller) is stuck, and I do mean stuck, in a super max in Panama called Sona, along with a lot of escapees from Season 2, like T-Bag (Robert Knepper), as well as extremely luckless FBI special agent Al Mahone, played by Bill Fichtner (and East Meadow native.)

It's BAAAD in Sona - really really really bad. God, it's not five minutes before everyone wishes they were back at Fox River State, which was a Four Seasons resort by comparison. Everyone here is mean, really really mean; they snarl a lot. They all need bathes, and shaves, too. They sweat profusely, all the time, even when it's not hot, and not a stick of deodorant in sight. And when they don't sweat, they eat mud for dinner - and LIKE it. There are no guards in Sona - left a long time ago, and it's not entirely clear why, except that (well) this really is not a fun place to be. The boss-man-by-default of the place is a very gnarly, nasty, negative nutjob by the name of Lechero - played by that fine actor from "The Wire," Robert Wisdom. For entertainment - and he is also kind of the entertainment committee chairman - inmates have to fight to the death, and to add insult to very serious (and indeed fatal) injury, the loser's body is left to rot in the sun for a few days.

What else can I tell you without giving too much away? Ah, yes, well this should be obvious: Scofield thinks he's got a ticket out after just a day or two here, but not so fast Sco, old buddy. There's a full season ahead, and another prison to break out of, and so, he's told to find some guy named Whistler (played by another new show addition, Brit actor, Chris Vance) or it's curtains for...

Now, I've gone too far. Sorry. In any event, looks like a good season based on the first episode. Keep an eye on Lechero; he's this year's break-out character. No doubt about that.

What will all the cool kids be watching? According to pollsters, teens are dreaming of “Gossip Girl” and “Pushing Daisies.”

Online testing detailed in the trade pub TV Week says the CW teen soap (debuting next Wednesday, Sept. 19) and ABC’s whimsical fantasy (Oct. 3) scored highest in awareness among 13-to-17-year-olds.

Without seeing the shows, teens showed taste by also mentioning CW’s “Reaper” and “Aliens in America.” Not so much with NBC’s dud “Bionic Woman” remake and ABC’s excruciating “Cavemen” comedy.

More scoop on teen trends here.

Rosh Hashanah history, customs and more are in the spotlight at History Channel online.

The cabler’s Rosh Hashanah mini-site includes videos, photo gallery, recipes (apple kugel). There’s also a Yom Kippur page.

Happy 5768.

Yeah, the kid can hold a note. (Courtesy Wilson Benesch)

You know, I've seen a lot of "American Masters" portraits over the years – not all of ‘em but a lot of ‘em - and I think I can say right here, at this moment, that the best one I've ever seen will air tonight, on Ch. 13 from 9 to 10:30. It is a treasure chest, frame after frame, and all you have to do is reach in and grab a priceless jewel. Problem is, every FRAME is priceless, while every story, clip, interview, recollection will make you a happier person - no matter who you are or how old you are, or what your taste in music is, or your taste in anything.

I speak, of course, of "Tony Bennett: The Music Never Ends." I love Tony Bennett, and have for pretty much my entire life, and that's not just because I'm from San Francisco. (I feel the same way about Joe Torre and I'm not from New York). In his very being, his very voice, he says what's great - what's greatest - about American popular music since (just after) the Second World War. There's also a profound humanity and decency in the man - so profound that even children can detect it immediately, which naturally speaks to his enduring popularity.

Where to begin? I can't really - there's so much here, so much music, so many interviews, so many clips, that they all just seems to emerge organically, like flowers on a perfect spring day: Carson, Scorsese, Gay Talese, Mel Brooks, Bob Hope, Harry Belafonte, Mitch Miller, Bill Evans, Judy Garland, Doris Day, Bing Crosby, Dean Martin, Astaire, Gene Kelly... They all - and dozens more - have something to say about Bennett - or we see how they influenced him, or sang with him, or simply admired him. Directed by Bruce Ricker and executive produced by Ted Sarandos, it's an insanely joyous and generous broadcast. (and as evidence of the generosity, you’ve gotta see how it plays out “I Left My Heart In SF” over a fifteen minute stretch.) We see Bennett as a painter, father, Civil Rights supporter, friend, and most of all musician. The always-wise and wonderful Jonathan Schwartz explains that Bennett has been "technically superb to this day, and has been that since he began to sing and record in 1949 and 1950..." while “The Music Never Ends” demonstrates exactly how this miracle happened.

"I really count my blessings every day," says Bennett. "I'm really satisfied with my life. It could only happen in this country. It's amazing. It's amazing."

Yeah, it's amazing. Watch. I'm serious. This one you can't miss.

The movies of Hollywood veteran Jane Wyman, who died Monday at 93, unreel all day Friday on Turner Classic Movies. Included is her Oscar-winning turn as a deaf woman in 1948’s “Johnny Belinda.” There’s also her strong work opposite Ray Milland in Billy Wilder’s 1945 alcoholism classic “The Lost Weekend.”

The full lineup:
6 a.m. -- The Doughgirls (1944)
7:45 a.m. -- The Lost Weekend (1945)
9:30 a.m. -- Cheyenne (1947)
11:15 a.m. -- Johnny Belinda (1948)
1 p.m. -- The Lady Takes a Sailor (1949)
2:45 p.m. -- A Kiss in the Dark (1949)
4:15 p.m. -- Here Comes the Groom (1951)
6:15 p.m. -- Let’s Do It Again (1953)

And where, oh where, is her classic tube stint as a California wine-country grande dame on “Falcon Crest”? Not on TV right now -- but you can watch online via AOL’s In2TV video-on-demand service, where 30 full episodes from CBS’ 1981-90 nighttime soap are currently streaming for free, culled from the series’ first three seasons. (There's a single episode from the seventh, too.)

Alison in; Caroline out.

I've always had kind of a soft spot for "The Biggest Loser" and maybe that's because I'm such a fathead. "TBL" offers no recourse for that problem, since it's the other kind of lard that has made this show such a keeper for the Fourth Place Network. And that's a good thing, indeed. Yes, FPN needs "TBL" badly and in fact, after Sunday football and (maybe" "Deal or No Deal") this could become its most reliable performer this season. Tonight's virtually an all-"TBL" night, with the two-hour season opener, and I've gotten a quick look at the premiere.

Fans will love it: Casting's excellent, and there's an everyman/woman quality to these people; they are large but not fantastically obese (the off-season rumor was that this would be the fattest group ever; not so.) They all seem nice - Bryan, David, Neil, Hollie, and so on - and their lifelong struggles with weight seem (and doubtless are) sincere. There's a third team this year, too - the "black team," headed up Jillian Michaels (last season's uber-intense uber-scary uber-noisy "Red Team" trainer). Alison Sweeney's the new host and Caroline Rhea replacement; she’s a former, ummmm, large person and soap queen (“Days of Our Lives”) who rallies our zaftig newcomers out in the Mojave Desert (tonight). Hard to say why she’s better than Rhea but certainly adds a little more sex appeal and a lot more puns (“…the wait is over!!”) Don’t get too fond of anyone: A bunch of people will be sacked even before the two hours are up.

Meanwhile, we've got a pair of LI contestants on tonight's show too - 40-year-old twin brothers Bill and Jim Germanakos. My colleague/editor, Andy Edelstein, blogged about them recently, and here's his description: "Bill, of Lynbrook, is married with three kids and works in medical sales. Jim, of Massapequa, also married with three kids, is a police officer. In his free time, he’s a volunteer firefighter and can be caught singing Sinatra songs at the local Italian bistro. Their goal, according to NBC, is not to become the 'fat twins.'”

But like I said, don't get too fond of anyone just yet...

Yeah, it's a lousy day to premiere a reality show, and pretty much a lousy day to premiere anything, given that most people's thoughts - consciously or subconsciously - are tending to other matters that happened six years ago. But if you've gotta premiere something, "TBL" should do: 6,500 pounds have been shed over the last four seasons and another couple thousand will melt away (painfully) this season. Alone among major reality shows on the Big Four, "TBL" actually has a message most of us need to hear and heed.

Oprah and Dave: It was nice.

By this, I mean "nice" – not "exciting" or "groundbreaking" or "thrilling."

Just nice. Sometimes that’s good enough, but I still think Oprah missed an opportunity. There were so many questions to ask, so much to talk about, so much of EVERYTHING, that O just kinda figuratively threw up her hands and said “the heck with it…” She tossed in a few softies, he whacked ‘em right back at her. Honestly, there was nothing particularly revealing here, and Letterman – a bigger sphinx than Carson – kept O at arm’s length for 35 minutes.

As mentioned, some nice moments – pictures of Baby Harry, now a boy, cute anecdotes about tricycles in driveway, and a mock scold of O who wondered whether he wanted another kid. Missed it? Some highlights:

* The city of New York has gone crazy for O, and as evidence, Dave reveals a photoshopped picture of Lady Liberty with Lady O's face on it.

* Top ten reasons I love Oprah - 2.) Gave me my first post-surgery sponge bath; 1.) She's giving everyone in today's audience a new house.

* Dave talking about Harry, and "the constant razor's edge - when do you apply patience or discipline and honest to God, I never know." Oprah wondered whether Harry "thinks you're funny." Dave: "Mommy has to tell him a lot that I'm just teasing." Oprah:"It's not good."

* Dave, on fatherhood: "I kinda feel silly addressing this because with eight billion people on the planet, clearly I'm not the first person to have a son. What can I add to that experience except that it's been remarkable."

* Dave on whether his show is still fun - "I'll tell you what's fun - the hour you do the show, then everything else gets to be a little weary and tedious because you do it so many times..."

* Asked what he does when he "kicks back," Dave looked genuinely stumped, then said, "it'd be nice to be in Montana on a horse."

* Dave, on Ball State naming a building after him: "My knees buckled - and I was sitting down..."

* Dave on his heart surgery: "It was one of the best things that ever happened to me. For a hypochondriac it was perfect - gives you so much to talk about.

From the first lovefest.

Talk about a quick turnaround. Not 15 hours after Sunday’s “MTV Video Music Awards” performance debacle, VH1 was sending out press releases for tomorrow night’s half-hour special “All Access: Britney’s Most Shocking Year Ever” (Tuesday night at 8:30 p.m.).

“It's been a whirlwind journey of self expression, self destruction and patented Britney wackiness,” say the sympathetic souls at VH1. “And to think the year is not even over yet!”

Sadly true. For a more compassionate take on Ms. Spears’ misfortunes, watch this classic Craig Ferguson monologue, where CBS’ late-late night host empathetically identifies by making light (and dark) of his own vicissitudes. Hilarious -- yet heartrending.

Likely not what VH1 has in mind.

What’s that old well-worn line that critics like to deploy when feeling especially snarky or spent – “We watch so that you don't have to?” Well, after sitting through the "Fourth Hour of Today Show" (FHOTS), I'm just gonna twist that line inside out: From now on, YOU watch, so I don't have to...

I felt the pain. Now it's your turn to feel the pain.

The Fourth Hour is utter glop, with no reason for being, no purpose, no intelligence, no thought, no energy, and no originality. Remember "Later Today," the third hour at the turn of the century that derailed or sidelined a whole bunch of careers? That was actually better.

Hosted by Ann Curry, Hoda Kotb and Natalie Morales, the premiere of "FHOTS" flopped on the deck like a flatulent flounder - full of gas, babble, blather, and bubbleheaded banter. (Do flounders, flatulent or otherwise, engage in bubbleheaded banter? This one does…) Oh Lord, why don't producers learn that viewers at home aren’t as stupid as they look? Just because we're sitting in front of the TV chewing on popcorn at ten on a weekday morning doesn't mean we're utter morons. It could just mean that we like popcorn.

This show? Man, it's stupid. Where to begin? Ann? You know, I know, everyone at NBC knows, and now the rest of the world knows, that she can't anchor a show on her own. She's a good cue card reader at "Dateline." Did a nice and honorable job in Sudan. She dealt with Katie's abuse for years (and even seemed to like it.) And she even manages to handle the news chores on "Today" professionally and with relatively few verbal bobbles. And manages to skate through The Third Hour. (Thank you, Al.) Here? She's naked. Ann needs a good producer in the control room - her own Jeff Zucker - or at least someone like Roker sitting next to her.

“What is the philosophy, the mantra, the THING…?,” she asks some guests. Yes, what IS the philosophy, the mantra, the thing? (Do flatulent flounders have philosophies, mantras and things? This one doesn’t.)

“FHOTS “ features the three ladies sitting at a desk, chatting vapidly about important topics of the day, like Britney Spears. Morales observed that the world was "dissing her on lack of clothing..." Well no, Natalie: The world was dissing her on her lack of talent.

There was an opening segment on women who are "graying gracefully,' or how - it baldly stated - "that an increasing number of women are choosing to say goodbye to hair color..."

Really? Says who? What are the stats? Any evidence at all of this "trend?" Anywhere? Just a smidgen? One itsy bitsy fact that establishes this? Well, actually not one at all, or none that "FHOTS" cared to share. Then the studio camera returned to the set for a chat segment, and the first face we see? A dark-haired Nora Ephron, who admitted to a dye job! And - with the exception of one guest - so did everyone else on the roundtable! You can't make this up!

Enough. I'm beginning to babble like that flounder. I've gotta go make some popcorn. "The Fourth Hour of Today Show?" It's all your's, folks.

Supe Bowl of Love II, at 4.

If you've gotten over Britney from last night - I have, really, I have - then you'll come to realization that the big news in TV today happens at 4, when David Letterman does his first-ever-never-happened-before-never-again-but-then-who-really-knows interview with Oprah Winfrey.

Oprah hit "GMA" this morning to promote her New York Nine Eleven shows from MSG - just her and Robin Roberts, for ten or so minutes - and for those who missed, there were a few pieces of O-News: She may start a school for teachers at her edu-compound in South Africa, where she recently taught the girls the lesson of Glinda of Oz - you've always had the power. She talked about the Obamafest where she raised over $3 m for the candidate, saying she's finally endorsed someone because she "never felt so compelled" to go political. (I guess that means she doesn't like you-know-who. Ya think?) She "blew out her thyroid" at the end of last season - too much stress. (How do you blow out a thyroid? Does it just sort of pop?) She says things are great between her and Dave, and they better be, with that interview coming up and all.

Let's see...what else? Oh forget it. Honestly, I can't get that Britney Milli Vanilli moment out of my head. Go here right now, to check it out if you haven't already, or if you have a need for self-abasement. Sure, it was awful, but the worst performance in the jumble that was last night's "VMA?" You be the judge because MTV is replaying the whole bloody thing.

Last night’s season finale of Sci Fi’s “Who Wants to Be a Superhero?” crowned Austin police detective Jarrett Crippin as America’s newest do-gooder: The Defuser.

Comics legend/host Stan Lee picked the 38-year-old Texan’s alter ego over runners-up Hyper-Strike and Hygena. The Defuser now gets his very own comic, written by Lee and published by Dark Horse Comics, plus a Shocker Toys action figure. He’ll also appear in a Sci Fi original movie.

Says Sci Fi, “Inspired by Batman and Captain America, Crippen created his character when he was a young boy. The Defuser is a loner and expert at gadgetry and invention. He performs at 110 percent, possessing enhanced speed, strength agility, reflexes, hearing and eyesight.”

Watch the season climax online here.

The hip-hopper’s online “urban operetta” sensation hits the tube tonight. “Trapped in the Closet: The Movie” debuts on IFC Friday at 9 p.m., all 22 chapters compiled from earlier internet/DVD releases.

There’ll be a live chat at IFC.com during this “feature film” airing.

It’s followed tonight at 10:30 by “Trapped Inside the Realm of R. Kelly,” a sitdown interview at Kelly’s Chicago recording studio.

Kelly plays multiple roles [IFC photo above] in what Entertainment Weekly calls “a monumental pop culture achievement.” Chart the characters and sample the episodes online.

Sunday brings the final showdown on HGTV’s reality cult fave “Design Star” (9 p.m.). Queens' Kim Myles and San Francisco’s Todd Davis compete in “a fabulous exotic destination” to win viewer votes in polling that opens online Sunday night at 10 (and continues through Wednesday noon). Fans can vote via text message, too.

Last weekend’s final elimination episode repeats on HGTV tonight (Friday at 9) and tomorrow (Saturday at 6 p.m.). The winner gets his/her own series on HGTV and a spread in In Style Home magazine.

I thought I'd seen everything until I realized I hadn't seen anything - evidence of this being "In Your Backyard TV."

What is "In Your Backyard TV?" It is a show - term loosely applied - that was created by a family in Bellmore. For you non-Long Island readers, that's pretty due north of Jones Beach...

OK, geography lesson complete, what is "In Your Backyard TV" and why am I blogging about it? Because it gets an airing tomorrow afternoon at the New York Television Festival (2:30 at the New World Stages in Manhattan on 5oth between 8th and 9th.) This is not a professional production by even the wildest stretch of the imagination and those attendees who stumble into the screening shouldn't expect one; it's a cross between a home movie and an industrial one, worked over by Photoshop or some modestly priced 3D computer graphics software package. This is not fancy television, and as far on the opposite spectrum from "professional" as a TV show could possibly get, which is part of its quirky charm. But there it is anyway - on the screen at a major TV festival tomorrow.

What is "In Your Backyard TV?" It's the creation of Charlie and MarySue Roocke, and their kids Ally and Charles. Per the "backyard" tag, they've taken their camera and explored various natural facets of the Island, like seals, beaches, and even mythic creatures - something called the "Snollygoster" (don't ask because I don't have an answer.) In some instances there is material from other places, like Florida, so it's not entirely "in their backyard," so to speak.

The kids and dad appear on screen, and joke around. Every now and then, the family dog, Pepper, gets a starring role too while the family kibitzes about LI, snakes, whatever. No Emmys are forthcoming. None are anticipated.

What's interesting about this show, however, is that it was created as a way for the parents to stay engaged with their kids. Here's Charlie, as quoted on his website: "We [husband and wife] sat down and plotted out a course of action [and] and thought? What is the best way to spend more time with our children, make a living and enjoy ourselves? Hmmm….well Hmmm…our brains started to hurt! Then we got it!!! Let’s create a TV show. So what if we don’t have any experience in TV and we are not professional actors….. NO! We are like you, we are professional PARENTS!!!"

Here's the website for more. There's another screening Sunday.

Last night, Howie’s worst fear came true: his cooking skills were publicly scorned. And rightly so. You could tell by the shot of his phyllo “cigars” frying that the oil wasn’t hot enough and that the resultant cigars would be greasy. The duxelles (finely chopped mushrooms) on his tartlets did indeed, per Hung, look like dog diarrhea.

Howie knew it was looking bad for him at the judges’ table, and so with his new-found team spirit, he offered to resign so that Brian could stay. No dice, said Padma. The judges saw right through Howie’s craven gesture. They wanted him off, and they wanted to fire him.

With his distinctive blend of arrogance and thick-headedness, Howie declared during his exit interview, “I stand by my decision,” even though his decision had been pointedly ignored and the one he was standing by had been made by the judges.

In fact Howie’s dismal performance did save Brian, who failed at both of the tasks he essayed: preparing his ahi poke (which Tom Colicchio unmasked as yet another tuna tartare) and leadership of the catering team. Brian’s supervisory missteps were numerous and grave. He presided over a selection of hors d’oeuvres that was formless and repetitive. The only thing he could take credit for was that the groceries came in 25 cents under budget.

For the quick-fire challenge, Hung made an interpretive breakfast moonscape of eggs, leeks, potatoes, cereal, chocolate-drink mix and whipped cream. I thought he was just having fun but he seemed to actually think it was edible. “I didn’t expect to win,” he said after not winning, “because I had a judge that was so closed-minded.”

Chastened, for the elimination challenge he put out two comically prosaic dishes, curried chicken salad on crostini and salmon mousse piped onto cucumber slices, “a classic dish that people with average palates would appreciate.”

Hung’s arrogance is only exceeded by his contempt for every palate that is not his own. “You don’t like my leek-Fruit-Loop diorama?” he seemed to be saying, “well then you must love salmon mousse on cucumber slices.”

WNET/13 pays tribute tonight to opera great Luciano Pavarotti, who died this morning, with a "Great Performances" rebroadcast Thursday at 8 p.m. (Repeating Sunday, Sept. 9 at noon.)

Donizetti's "L'Elisir D'Amore" ("The Elixir of Love") stars Pavarotti as Nemorino in a two-and-a-half-hour, two-act Metropolitan Opera performance of March 2, 1981. It includes Pavarotti's acclaimed rendition of "Una Furtiva Lagrima." Also starring are Judith Blegen, Sesto Bruscantini, Brent Ellis and Louise Wohlafka, conducted by Nicola Rescigno.

UPDATE: Digital cable/satellite's Bio channel has added a Pavarotti "Biography" episode Friday at 9 a.m. and 3 p.m.

ANOTHER UPDATE: Mike Wallace's 1993 (and 2002) sitdown profile of Pavarotti repeats on this Sunday's "60 Minutes" (7 p.m., or after U.S. Open final ends, on WCBS/2).

History Channel HD has launched on DISH Network satellite, joining the likes of HGTV HD, Food Network HD, A&E; HD, high-def simulcasts of Animal Planet and The Science Channel, and more than 30 other HD offerings.

In addition, Turner says as of Sept. 1 it has officially “made available” TBS HD and CNN HD, though it’s hard finding any provider carrying these new companion channels to long-established TNT HD. (All three are simulcast “mirrors” of the regular standard-def offerings.)

Satellite competitor DirecTV has previously announced it plans to offer many more HD channels with the recent launch of additional satellite capacity. Among the channels reported to be going HD on DirecTV later this fall: ABC Family, Bravo, Cartoon Network, FX, Sci Fi and USA.

Online’s AVS Forum keeps track of HD offerings here.

Wondering about “The War”? PBS has produced a half-hour preview of Ken Burns’ upcoming 15-hour World War II documentary, and it’s not only running on-air tonight and other times (Thursday at 10:30 p.m., Sunday at 1 p.m. on WNET/13) but also streaming online.

“The War” premieres on PBS stations Sept. 23, in seven installments running through Oct. 2. It’s preceded by the companion $50 coffee-table book by Burns and Geoffrey C. Ward (“The Civil War”), out Tuesday, Sept. 11.

Find more info, video/audio clips, viewer’s guide at the official “War” site. (A more interactive version of the site launches at the project’s TV debut.)

Arthur Branch is in!

Errr, errr...I mean, FRED - Fred Thompson is in.

Sorry. You'll have to forgive me. The guy that (once) played a CIA director, couple presidents, a rear Admiral (ahhh, "Hunt for Red October"), and of course the late lamented DA on "L&O;," is in the race, running for the big one. It's official, and for the best replay of last night's "Tonight" appearance, click on the picture above.

Now, we must separate the role, the many roles, from the candidate.

That will not be easy. Thompson played Branch five seasons on "L&O;" and the debate now rages (ok, flickers) as to whether he was a better DA than Steven Hill's Adam Schiff (ten or so seasons.) Schiff, like Branch, was somewhat inscrutable - a saturnine sphinx with an almost invisible sense of humor. Not so Thompson's Branch, who was a cynical son of gun and believed that the world (his world) revolved around elections, and polls, and whether a case would reflect kindly on his chances at the polls during political season. He was also an ideologue, though hardly a rock-ribbed one (yes, conservative, in a Giuliani kind of way.) He wasn't the hardest working dude in the world either; I remember strolling by Branch's desk on one of the "L&O;" sets a few years ago and it was arrayed with fishing lures. Yes, Arthur liked his free time.

But what about the rest of Thompson's roles? At this moment, the Department of Dirty Tricks for about a dozen prez campaigns are studying his credits, looking for that embarrassing moment that will be cited in one of their campaign commercials (to begin running, in oh, about ten minutes on the New Hampshire airwaves.) For a quick and lively look at those roles, go to Mo Rocca's analysis of last spring.

I suspect his enemies will make quick work of his season three walk-on at "Sex and the City." He played an uncredited role on the episode entitled, ummmm, "Politically Erect." That one revolved around, ummm, a storyline that, ummm, had to do with (am I allowed to say this in a family-friendly blog?) golden showers.

Let's just call that an anomaly. Most of Thompson's roles were "to character:" The rock-jawed commander of men, who squinted one moment and growled the next (most recently Grant, on "Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee.)

He would have been a great president on "24," or - better yet - a terrific CTU boss. (James Morrison's Buchanan is milque toast by comparison.) He coulda worked as Warden Pope on "Prison Break," too. Though I'm not too sure about his comedic chops, he might have even made a good Denny Crane on "Boston Legal" - and of course, if he had been on that show, he wouldn't be running for prez now. I woulda liked to have seem him on "Alias," too - Jack Bristow or Arvin Sloane (your call.) And does anyone seriously doubt that "E-Ring" wouldn't still be on the air if Fred hadn't taken the Dennis Hopper role?

In any event, his TV career isn't over if this presidential thing doesn't work out.

Just four words, friends: "Dancing with the Stars."

A series Fred will not be setting his TiVO to anytime soon.

OK, so it's just a parody of a TV commercial.

But still the smartest, funniest thing I've seen in ages.

Check out Microsoft's forthcoming (not) ZunePhone.

Here we are again: the time of year that UPS, FedEx and DHL just love -- all that money to be made from TV networks wooing TV critics to love their new fall slates.

Every day now for us, it’s Christmas in July -- make that September -- as delivery services dump upon us piles of not only episodes for review, but also title-slathered products, lest we forget what we’re writing about. These little “treasures” turn our desks into journalist versions of those doctors’ offices littered with pharmaceutical-branded pens, note pads, tissues and other inexpensive debris.

I mean, collectible premiums.

Right here is a “Back to You” notepad and pen from the new Fox sitcom debuting Sept. 19 with Kelsey Grammer and Patricia Heaton playing quarrelsome news anchors. (There’s also a squishy mini news van for us to exercise our typing fingers with.)

And there’s a Regis and Kelly coffee mug (with a one-cup coffee press!), commemorating the live morning show’s 20th anniversary season starting Sept. 10.

We get show-branded T-shirts and Sharpies and bobbleheads and tote bags (“Two and a Half Men”! But only one bag!), and even DVD sets of last season in case we missed it.

But some publicists really put on their thinking caps and come up with promotional items so cleverly related to their shows, yet so off-the-wall, that somebody should be giving them high-fives.

Well, here’s my palm slap.

The people at “Cops” -- the Fox reality/verite series celebrating both its 20th season and 700th episode in the season starting this Saturday -- decided to worm their way into critics’ hearts by sending out a keychain-sized battery-operated alcohol breath tester (with, of course, the COPS logo emblazened upon it). They even included the batteries. Plus instructions explaining the green, yellow and red lights that, upon breathing onto the device, indicate how soused you might be (0.05% is yellow, 0.08% is red).

If only we’d had this handy little gadget back in the days when newspaper people were drinkin’, smokin’, hard-livin’ word crunchers with ink in our veins and clattersome presses ringing in our ears. We sure could’ve used it. (Please don’t check our rap sheets.)

But now we’re all college-educated, cyber-savvy, video-ready “professionals” who can’t smoke within X feet of tidy “media corporation” buildings, who’d be fired for having a bottle of booze anywhere near the workplace, who type on shiny computers that create pixels satellite-beamed to some distant press location whose noise and dirt never have to sully our refined senses.

Boy, do I want a beer. Or seven.

C’mon, “Cavemen.” Top this.

Miranda Cosgrove's suddenly all grown up - but can she save Nick? (Courtesy: USA Today)

You will laugh with ill-disguised scorn when I tell you this, but I have seen one of the most important shows of the new fall season and it is...drum roll...another drum roll..."iCarly."

I know. I know. Your scorn is ill-disguised, but I'm serious (though not deadly serious, but reasonably serious....) Here's the reason: "iCarly" stars big-kid-star-in-the-making, Miranda Cosgrove, while the show's produced and created by one of the genuine superstars of kids' TV, and we speak of none other than Dan Schneider, the immensely talented guy behind some major 'tween hits like "The Amanda Show," and "All That," and "Zoey 101" and "What I like About You" and "Drake & Josh." (Slightly post-pubescent adults know him as the guy behind "Big Fat Liar.")

So why is "iCarly" so important to the fortunes of Nick and TEENick? Three words (and a number): "High School Musical 2," which has shattered cable viewing records and (per my educated guess) created a climate of absolute fear and loathing over at Nick's 1515 Broadway digs, where they're desperately searching for the Next Big (Kid) Thing. Disney Channel's got the big mo these days, and Nick seems to be flailing - and as evidence of the flail, the channel has turned into a "SpongeBob Squarepants" marathon. The well is dry. SpongeBob has been squeezed dry, too. Nick needs a hit. Fast.

Enter "iCarly," which premieres this Saturday at 8. I've seen it and I will now render my verdict: It's good. In fact, quite good. It has a lot of energy, and zing, with trademark Schneider stuff (silliness, non-sequiturs and profound goofiness.) But the biggest surprise is Cosgrove. Fans of "D&J;" know her as Megan, the bratty younger sister of Drake (played by Drake Bell.) She's not a particularly appealing character in "D&J;," but Scheider's done a Pygmalion on her, turning Cosgrove into a cute, appealing 'tween with bountiful personality and even a certain sweetness.

The plot: Carly Shay and her pal, Sam Puckett (Jeanette McCurdy) are put in charge of their school's talent contest, and Carly enlists next door neighbor, Freddie (Nathan Kress) to record some auditions. But smitten with Carley, he records the banter she has with Sam, instead, and posts that on the Internet; the impromptu webcam show is a minor hit, and Carly/Sam decide to launch their own show, and appeal to viewers - real live ones in the viewing audience - to contribute their own material.

"iCarly's" a probable winner - but no "HS Musical 2."

So far, so good.

Hey, did you know this is the first day of a new era, or dawn of a new day - or whatever cliché you prefer - for that kaffeeklatsch known as "The View," which weathered the fiasco known as "Rosie" and is now attempting to make people forget that the nightmare never even happened?

It is.

Quick observations: Whoopi, who officially joined up this morning, will do fine, meaning she'll almost certainly NEVER cause Elisabeth to burst into tears, or force Donald Trump into fits of name-calling and mud-slinging, or have someone issue indignant press releases debunking a comment about whether they were upset about someone's hand over their mouth because that someone is or is not gay, or… Etc. Etc. And etc.

In other words, Whoopi is no Rosie.

She was very polite this morning. Quite nice actually - and even seemed to understand what could turn Michael Vick into a dog killer (it's a cultural thing, apparently.) She didn't try to be clever, or annoying, or snippy. She didn't tell any jokes. She didn't hog airtime, or step on Bab's lines - and when Babs spoke, she respectfully allowed the Queen her requisite verbal time.

I think this Whoopi thing is going to work out, and she might even turn out to be the first host in a few years to NOT get fired. Of course, I could be wrong - this is "The View" of which I speak.

Oh, yeah: Danny DeVito turned up, too. That's a biggish deal because his last appearance on the program became international news, overshadowing Iraq, insofar as he was drunk and obnoxious. This morning, he officially denied inebriation during the last appearance: "I was tired, I was out all night."

Yup, and "The View" has sobered up too.

SOAPnet is reconfiguring its weeknight schedule of prime-time repeats.

“The Young and the Restless” moves to weeknights at 7 (and midnight), with “Days of Our Lives” heading to 11 p.m. on SOAPnet, effective today. Both soaps continue in weekend cable marathons.

The channel’s current schedule (with printable version, too) can be found here.

Well, it's pretty much official (if you can call the Huffington Post's readers an approximation of "official") but there's nothing Katie Couric can do that will make anyone happy.

I read with mounting amusement and then mounting alarm the comment stream posted on the site that addressed her trip to Iraq; readers were bugged (really bugged) by the fact that her reporting seemed to side with the official U.S. position, and then took the opportunity to describe her in terms best left unprinted anywhere.

Fact is, Katie's trip so far does present both the drawbacks and advantages to big footing a story, even as big as this one. Foremost, Katie's Sunday chat with Bob Schieffer of course offered nothing that Lara Logan couldn't have said, though Logan almost certainly would NOT have taken the Allawi Market-guided tour that Gen. David Petraeus gives to Baghdad newbies to prove that the Situation in Iraq is Improving. "This market seems to be thriving...," said Katie, as we see a shot of her in full metal jacket.

Meanwhile, "The Evening News” (Monday) and “Early Show” (Tuesday) were topped with Katie's Bush interview, while emailed excerpts followed. The interview was what you'd expect - spin - and Katie asked the right questions, but the HP readers should hate this one as well.

Meanwhile, the other networks had interviews as well, but – of course – why should CBS let us know about those as well.?

Promoting the Bush chat, CBS had Couric talk with Howard Kurtz of the Washington Post. Here’s an excerpt from the story:

“In a phone conversation Sunday from Baghdad, Couric said she better understands the frustrations facing U.S. troops but believes it is unrealistic for Americans to expect ‘instant results’ from Bush's military surge. Offering a decidedly mixed picture of an unpopular war, Couric called Gen. David Petraeus, the U.S. commander in Iraq, a ‘straight shooter’ and said the escalation has produced ‘positive things’ in some parts of the country. But, she added, Petraeus ‘candidly admits’ that progress has been spotty.

"I said, 'Some people think this is a dog-and-pony show while the rest of Iraq remains a nightmare,' ‘ said a tired-sounding Couric, recounting her conversation with Petraeus. ‘He said, 'Yup, that's true, but does that mean we shouldn't show you where things are going well?' "

If the whole point of this trip is to get disaffected viewers to re-sample Couric, then the last thing CBS wants to have them re-sample is a downbeat, negative, nattering nabob who insists that the glass is half empty as opposed half full. So Katie's taking the half-full approach: "It makes you so proud of our U.S. servicemen and women...," she said of the heat-tortured troops on Sunday.

Fact is, maybe CBS can use this trip as a template for something it should have done in the first place - Get Couric on the road, away from the studio, in the field, asking questions, talking to people, working a story (wherever or whenever it may take her) and prove to the world that she is in fact a serious journalist with the requisite skills of any worthy successor to Walter Cronkite or Dan Rather. (HP readers will still hate her but does anybody care)?

All in all, a good start to year 2 on the Katie Watch.