The TV Zone

(ABC)

Closest ever...and the winner is: Shawn and Mark.

Don't be surprised, "Dancing With The Stars" fans.

She was the best. Absolutely the best. Mark Ballas too.

Congrats to both.

(Meanwhile, if there is anyone who doubts whether she was the best, check out her winning freestyle, on the jump, from the other night. Scroll in three minutes...This was a "no contest.")

>> Photos: "Dancing With the Stars" Season 8

Continue reading ""Dancing With The Stars:" Shawn Johnson Wins it All" »

My pick to win. (Pix: Getty)

Now, the post you've all been waiting for...

Who will win "DWTS?"

Here's Pierre Dulaine's order:

1.) Gilles wins

3.) Shawn/3rd

Now, here's Gay's picks.

1.) Shawn wins.

3,) Melissa/ 3rd

Of course, there's another dance tonight, and judges' scores to be factored into the vote. But...if Shawn and Gilles merely tie via the judges tonight, as they did last night, then I think the voters will push her over the edge. It'll be a slight margin of victory, but that's my hunch.

We'll see.

Front 'o the pack? (ABC)

As faithful readers know, I've had the chance to rely this season on one of the world's great dance teachers - Pierre Dulaine - for my weekly analysis. PD's been on the road last two weeks, but he's back just in time for next week's finale, bless 'im.

(Also, please go here to find out more about Pierre and the fine work he does in New York City and environs...)

In any event, he gives last night to Melissa and Gilles; Ty is gone. Here's Pierre's wrap:

Melissa and Tony: Quickstep: Lively - energetic - good choreography; PD 10, Judges 9 - 10 - 9
Cha Cha: Not grounded enough here for real Latin feel; PD 9, Judges 9 - 9 - 9


Gilles and Cheryl: Waltz: Elegant - good partnering, stiff at times; PD 9, judges 10 - 10 - 10
Salsa: Excellently choreographed - very loose & relaxed; PD 10, Judges 10 - 10 1- 10


Shawn and Mark: Argentine Tango: Was not impressed - too rough, music from Take the Lead; PD 9, Judges 10 - 10 - 10
Jive : Was O.K....but looked 'heavy going,' was disappointed; PD 9, Judges 9 - 8 - 9


Ty and Chelsie: Viennese Waltz: Tried very. hard - awkward and not smooth enough; PD 8, Judges 8 - 9 - 8
Samba: Too physical - not relaxed - looked rushed; PD 8, Judges 8 - 7 - 8

(Getty Images Photo)

Nice picture of Lil' Kim, above, from the 2008 BET Awards, and nice run on "DWTS," now officially over.

Surprised? Well, yeah, sure. She was, too. But between her and Ty - in a draw (which it wasn't, in fact) - I always figured he'd pull out ahead in the popular vote. She and Derek beat him/Chelsie soundly on Monday - 52 to 46, which is a big margin this late in the game. But the viewers liked Ty. The other interesting thing about him - he's gotten better week to week. She always seemed pretty good. That may have played in his favor, too, with the viewer/voter.

And so now, over, for Lil.'

Your final four: Shawn vs. Gilles vs. Ty vs. Melissa...

If Mel doesn't get better (fast), your winners... (Getty)

Sure, yeah, why not. Chuck: I thought he had a chance of holding on another week, but...

This leaves the field to...Gilles and Shawn and Melissa. Lil' Kim can't win - doesn't have the popular vote; Ty can't win - doesn't have the judges' vote.

And...if Mel's rib is bad as she seemed to indicate Tuesday, then this probably gets down to Shawn and Gilles.

In "DWTS," tie between guy and gal always goes to the guy; that's the way voters roll on this show. Plus, Gilles is the best, too (loved his - what WAS that? - Lindy hop the other night too.)

So that should make this call an easy one, right? Unless Gilles gets hurt, he is almost certainly our winner. Again: Mel's gotta get better fast, or he and Cheryl are the ones...

(Kelsey McNeal / ABC)

Melissa hurt? Not to worry...not to WORRY.

Unless you want to worry, in which case, worry.

But Mel has cracked a rib, and got hurt - I do believe that up until tonight she was the only one who hadn't actually broken something this season - but she'll go on.

Please go to the jump for the full story from "ET:"

Continue reading "Melissa: The Dance Will Go On" »

So that's that - an improbable and pretty good run ends tonight. LT will not be the next winner of "Dancing with the Stars."

He was bounced tonight, took it all in stride, and seemed to actually be pretty darned happy about it. Said he - in thanking ABC and the show - "I've been very blessed.[Partner Edyta Sliwinska] taught me everything I know about dancing; don't know where the hell I'm going to use it." Then, a promise to his pals in Miami: "I'll be on the practice range at 9, tee off at 9:30."

(Kelsey McNeal/ABC)

Steve - O. Yeah, yeah - I' ve been hard on Steve-O, but not nearly as hard as the judges. (I do believe Steve-O may have a lawsuit when this is all over.) But let's give the guy some credit: He's had some problems, and some serious ones too, from the Jackass days. Tried to get himself in order. Did that. Worked hard on the show, had a sense of humor, but also tried to make the best of it, as well. Plus, he had some injuries.

So, here's to Steve-O.

I'm just wondering: What will Steve-O say in tomorrow's exit interview with "Access Hollywood?" You remember, I'm sure, what David Alan Grier had to say last week - I haven't heard so many bleeps since "Southland." And what will happen on "Kimmel" tonight? Will Steve-O burn his shoes, or sell them...

The suspense...

(Right, Steve-O, Charley Gallay/Getty Images)

Moving to the front o' the pack? Pierre thinks so... (Pix:ABC)

Okay, "Dancing" fiends. As we sail into tonight, the question becomes - as it usually does - who? As in, who must go, who must stay.

And for the evaluation from our resident expert, we go to Pierre Dulaine, New York master teacher, former world champ and someone who knows a thing or two about the business of hoofing.

Here are Pierre's picks from last night..

Lil' Kim & Derek (Jive) "GREAT routine and choreography." 10 from Pierre 10 - 8 - 10

Gilles & Cheryl (Jive) "Very energetic & good footwork, Excellent. partnering." 10 from Pierre 9 - 8 - 9

Ty & Chelsie (Jive) "Not enough from him...this dance did not suit him." 6 from Pierre 6 - 6 - 6

Steve-O & Lacey (Rumba) "He just should NOT bother, so wooden & unrhythmic." 5 from Pierre 7 - 4 - 5

Melissa & Tony (Rumba) "Too many tricks - not enough hip action." 8 from Pierre 9 - 9 - 9

Lawrence & Edyta (Jive) "Good rhythm but looked awkward and not at all light on his feet." 7 from Pierre 7 - 7 - 8

Chuck & Julianne (Rumba) "Lacking technique - too busy and too rough." 7 from Pierre 8 - 7 - 8

Shawn Johnson & Mark (Rumba) "Good lines but not much personality...felt uncomfortable." 8 from Pierre 9 - 9 - 9

Well, that's not good.

David Alan Grier, off "Dancing with the Stars." In fact, that stinks. Come on - the obvious call was to boot off Steve-O. He is, by far, the lowest vote-getter from the judges of the entire remaining group. He is as good a dancer as I am - which, frankly, is enough said. And yet, he remains. To torture the judges again another week. DAG was actually pretty good. The guy seemed to put his heart into it - and was pretty solid as well.
Steve-O's success? Clearly Howard Stern has organized a get-out-the-vote. "Jackass" fans of the world have united. "Totally Busted" fans too - take that back. Oh, wait. There ARE no "Totally Busted" fans. Nor should there be. Maybe he's getting the pity vote...Maybe "Votefortheworst.com" is finally getting some traction here...Maybe... And here's where it gets really strange - LT was in the bottom two. Recount!

( AFP / Getty Images Photo)

...Gone.

Yes, gone.

The Woz...

He's gone.

And suddenly, just like that...

"Dancing with the Stars" has ruined my night.

But I'll get over it. Really...seriously...honestly...the Woz was my Favorite Bad Contestant of all Time on "DWTS." He had it all: Aside from my ability on the dance floor (pretty much the one thing I could identify with), he was passionate, interesting, unique, different, fun, outspoken, unusual, a genius...the guy who HELPED CREATE APPLE FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.

Good Lord. And who's left? Gilles and Mellisa and a few others whose names I've already forgotten. (With, of course, the exception of LT.)

"It started out kinda weird," said the Woz, upon elimination, using his gift for understatement.

And - he mighta added - it continued kinda weird. The pink boa...the worm...what am I missing here?

But, man, the guy was great.

Oh yes, Holly is going home too.

(Pix of Woz and boa - ABC)

Here we go - another week of Pierre DuLaine's picks.

Two people go tonight...who will they be?

Pierre's picks...Holly and Steve-O.

Quickie memory refresher: Pierre DuLaine is one of New York's great dance teachers - a former world ballroom dance champ and founder of the famed Dancing Classrooms - which has taught dancing to hundreds, thousands, of New York City school kids, and has programs throughout the five boroughs and on Long Island...

He has graciously agreed to give TV Zone his "DWTS" analysis each week. He knows what he's talking about, and I usually don't. So awaaaaaay we go! Here are Pierre's observations...

Lil Kim: Very clean, not as passionate and she was a bit too busy. Not as sensual as I'd like. An 8.

Melissa: Very in character with her choreography...a ten.

Gilles: My favorite. He did an incredible job. In character, passionate and sensuous. He was present - it's like doing a part [in a play]. You are engaged in his story...you believed it...a ten.

David: Good energy. an 8.

Chuck: I was disappointed. Not very Lindy-like [they did the Lindy Hop.] Too much slow work too. A 7.

Shawn: What horrible costumes. Oh please. No body wears shorts - and their midriffs showing! But...their choreography was good. I gave them a nine.

Holly: Oh my God, what is she doing t here? Very stiff. No character or passion for a tango. A 5. She'll be out.

Lawrence: Not his dance [the Argentinian Tango]. He was never in charge, no passion, no seduction whatsoever...a six.

Ty: He was very good at partnering and very much in character. I gave him a ten.

Steve-O: Very stiff and mostly uncoordinated. Not enough partnering and unmusical. A five.

Steve: He had the worst marks [and] it was not a tango. But I believe [his fans, the Woz Posse] want him to stay...so a five.

(Pix: Kelsey McNeal / ABC. Is Holly gone?)

Well, well. The Woz. The greatest worst contestant in "Dancing with the Stars" history.

And we come down to this: Will you save him?

I'm not so sure now. Here's the thing. You can be pretty certain that the Woz will get very few telephone votes, but what sort of text/computer votes will come in?

Check out search.twitter.com for a sense of what the Geeks are going for...And as you probably know, tweeters have organized a pretty elaborate campaign to keep our boy in the hunt. Check out votewoz.com...In case you already haven't yet.

Here are some sample pro/anti-Woz tweets...

"Steelisreal: I don't even watch dancing with the stars but just voted 11 times for Wozniak."

But then, there's THIS Tweet:

"TVChatHotline: Dancing with the Stars: Woz Stinks Up the Dance Floor with his ...: Steve Wozniak and partner Karina Smirnoff ex.. "

Or this one...

"matthewemay: Watching Steve Wozniak doing the Argentine Tango. Only reason to watch a silly show like Dancing With the Stars. Think he needs his Segway."

Or...finally...this...

"Trakix: Just voted for Steve Wozniak on Dancing With the Stars 22 times and I didn't even watch the show. Let's get him to the finals! #votewoz"

I suppose my point, then, is this: The Woz, if he's saved at all tonight, will be saved by PEOPLE WHO DON'T EVEN WATCH THE SHOW.

We'll see...

Here's his tango, again...

Ah, Woz. Who makes Cloris look good.

And yet he stays again, after getting the second worst score in "DWTS" history on Monday.

(Oh, yeah, Denise Richards got the boot. Yawn.)

And yet, that was just a warm-up. Clearly, the Nation of Apple is voting for one of our favorite contestants of all time. That way, he avoided last night's Dance-off, which slew Richards. She had to do her thing opposite Holly Madison. It didn't really matter who went - as long as the Woz stayed to worm his way again into our affections.

"ET" is reporting that the Woz - Steve Wozniak - has pulled a hamstring, but no word on whether the dear boy will dance tonight.

This marks the second injury he's suffered - not counting the self-inflicted one last week where he charged that"Dancing with the Stars" producers had (maybe) "lied" about the numbers, which explained why he ended up in the dance-off. As close readers of 'Zone know, he later retracted, saying he didn't mean to hurt anybody, and that he was sorry, and wrong, etc. etc.

But honestly, at the time I wondered whether ABC might exercise some sort of "Woz Clause:" Fire any contestant who gives lip about the secretive behind-the-scenes ways of the megahit. ABC, in fact, never commented on the verbal flaws of the Woz (I can't HELP myself - please stop me before I badly rhyme again) which gave me pause...

Oops. (Sorry.)

As soon as I hear the condition of My Favorite Contestant, will let you know...

In the meantime, vote who will be the next contestant to cha-cha their way of "DWTS" and then see more photos from "DWTS."

(Photo by Adrian Varnedoe / PacificCoastNews.com, as posted on ET)

Woz spins away...from his charge.

The conspiracy theory is dead...for now.

The Woz has backed down. He now says "Dancing with the Stars" IS NOT cooked, and that the producers ARE NOT liars.

This is an amazing tale.

[Note to TV Zone readers: I'm not backing down. I still think "DWTS" should release the viewer vote totals. What's the harm in that?]

Here's the Woz's full Facebook apology - posted, I am told, before last night's show:

" I have been around the internet conspiracy theory forums for too long.

We know how easy it is to espouse a lot of ideas and build conspiracy theory. No conspiracy theory can be proven wrong, so there are always plenty of die-hard followers.

Yesterday I wrote my suspicions of the secret Dancing With The Stars audience vote tabulations. I wrote that the producers were liars, simply because I truly believed in that possibility, not because I had a shred of evidence.

I hurt a lot of honest people.

Today, a storm kicked up over my allegations. I started my apologies
but it has to go further than that.

The top people of this show, ones responsible for counting audience votes and keeping them honest told me all the specific details of where their numbers came from. More than that, they explained how they can catch onto various forms of manipulation of the system by exactly the methods I had thought out in my head that would work. I was offered an opportunity to see the equipment they use also. You can tell when things are extremely on the level. You can also see why the exact totals cannot be released. That would make it harder to detect fraud. One main way that they detect fraud is when the phone-in votes and text votes and internet votes don't follow each other, percentage-wise. There are other things they look for as well
that IT experts would detect as signals of something wrong.

Do you remember how honest Jarnal was in Slumdog Millionaire? I feel so horrible inside when Conrad, one of the DWTS producers, told me how horribly what I had said injured the show and himself. You can tell when someone is speaking in a way that they can't possibly be a liar or trying to deceive you the least bit. Conrad and the other producers are not liars. They are extremely honest people in my mind.

And nobody could get me to write this if I didn't believe it myself.

In this case they are certainly more honorable and honest than myself.

The only thing I can offer as an explanation is that emotions wind up getting very high on a show like this. I was around some swarming emotions yesterday. Now I feel like a heel who stuck his shoe in his mouth, no puns intended. I have done it before and been on the other
end of it as well, and it's not nice either way.

My last hope is that you can see inside of me and know that I am telling the truth from the bottom of my heart, and forgive the loudmouth emotional notes I wrote earlier.

I'm on to have fun with the show now, and you may see me dance in minutes.

regards,

Woz"

(Pix: ABC)

(AP Photo)

Oh boy, TVTattle.com has posted THE HOT story of the day, and I'm just catching up with it now.

As posted on CNET.com, the Woz - one of my favorites of the show - is charging that ABC/the producers of "DWTS" - are manipulating the show and though he doesn't quite come out and say so, that's tantamount to saying they're manipulating the outcome.

Mostly he's claiming he shouldn't have been in the Dance-off last night.

Honestly, I agree - shoulda been Belinda and Ty.

Woz says ABC/"DWTS" is manipulating the game by not revealing viewer votes.

NOTICE TO TVZONE READERS: I've been saying the same thing for a year.

Now a computer genius agrees with me.

Here's what he says in this remarkable CNET piece:

"His is suspicious that the true voting numbers, both from telephone and online voting, are never revealed. This leads him to believe that he may be forced into the two-couple dance-off, just to boost ratings.

"The producers play games to get viewers and don't disclose the numbers. If they disclosed the numbers, it would be less of a game, but still suspect. If tomorrow, they claim I'm in the bottom 2 dance teams, including viewer votes, I believe that it's an outright lie," he said.

"He has begun to make his accusations in ABC interviews, too.

"I called it fake about 20 times today on camera," he said. "Each time in the same sentence as whatever comment they wanted about doing a dance-off tomorrow. That way, they couldn't edit it easily to say what they wanted. They kept trying to get me to say what I'd do if I was in the dance-off without using the word fake."

I'm wondering: Can a contestant be fired from "Dancing With the Stars"? We're about to find out.

Here's the point, and it's a good one: ABC should reveal viewer votes. They don't, and there's a reason - because viewers will realize that the people they're voting for are not necessarily advancing.

Jonny Roberts and Belinda...

And this time, the person who's leaving us wasn't injured, thank gosh.

Yes, Belinda Carlisle is the first ejectee of "DWTS," which is too bad because she seemed like a nice lady, but this departure is not particularly surprising either.

A little bit of a surprise tonight? Honestly, I'd have to say the Woz ending up in the Dance-Off; he's a crowd-pleaser everyman who just happens to be a billionaire - someone we can ALL identify with, right? The judges seemed awfully hard on the guy, though. In any event, the Woz lives to see another week.

(Pix: Craig Sjodin / ABC)

Top 'o the morning, everyone. Pleasantries now dispensed, this news: Steve-O did not compete on America's favorite dancing show last night, and may be out for good, joining a growing list of fragile stars who have been crippled by the ABC hit.

What's going on here? Is there anyone who hasn't been damaged yet? By my count, roughly half of the stars are in various states of deterioration, and no one has even been officially eliminated yet. He landed on some microphone on his backside during rehearsal, and that was that.

Does anyone else detect "irony" here? Steve-O, a professional clown (really - he went to clown college...) has done so many things to his body over the years - including the stapling of certain parts of it to other parts - that it's a miracle of modern science that he's not completely dead at this point. At least he got this far in the show without urinating on stage.

Will he return? I'm certain he will - no microphone pack is gonna stop this guy.

Meanwhile, Melissa. I can't say enough about Melissa Rycroft, who just happened to be available to fill in for Nancy O'Dell and who just happened to have stepped onto the dance floor for the first time last week.

Did anyone see how this neophyte danced last night? (Actually, former cheerleader and ballet dancer, so "neophyte" is probably the wrong word. ) I guess Tony Dovolani is a very good instructor.

“I’m pretty shocked, too,” Rycroft told hobbled Nancy O recently. “When I look back, what we did starting at point zero to get to where we were tonight, it’s pretty cool.”

These things happen for a reason, I guess. Meanwhile, check out the next winner of "Dancing with the Stars":

A healthy Steve-O (Matthew Simmons / WireImage Photo)

Huuuugggge opener for "Dancing With the Stars:" 21.5 million viewers.

That helped "Castle," by the way -- 11.6 million -- but I gotta think ABC would have liked to have held on to a little more of that lead-in. Meanwhile, ABC is saying this is the biggest "DWTS" opener ever...

Here's more from the news release...

"... “Dancing With the Stars” drew an average audience of 22.5 million viewers and a 5.9 rating, 15 share in Adults 18-49 to emerge as Monday’s No. 1 TV program in viewers and young adults. In fact, “Dancing With the Stars” won each of its half-hours and soared to the top of its time period, outdrawing second-place Fox by 10.8 million viewers and by 40% in Adults 18-49 (11.7 million & 4.2/11)."

Well, I for one am amazed that Melissa Rycroft just "happened" to be available for last night's "DWTS" premiere, and filled in for Jewel (or Nancy O'Dell) who just "happened" to have injured themselves. And she just "happened" to be available mere days after she just "happened" to have been dumped by Bachelor Guy who just "happened" to make her a household name.

And then, she just "happened" to get a call to appear on another ABC show whose ratings just "happened" to have softened last season.

Then, last night, she appeared and just "happened" to be very good and poised even though she just "happened" to step on a dance floor FOR THE FIRST TIME on Saturday morning.

That's a lot of "happens," and a lot of truly amazing coincidences. Don't you think? I guess the reality gods were in favor of this.

Dear reader: You can choose to be credulous, but I choose to be incredulous. Everything happens for a reason on television reality shows. Happenstance is something that doesn't happen.

That said...I thought Melissa was pretty good last night. But then, I wasn't surprised.

Here's a clip, gratis Scoopish... By the way, I wouldn't be shocked if she wins this whole thing. (Nor should you be, but vote here anyway)

>> Meet the Season 8 cast of "Dancing With the Stars"
>> The "Dancing With the Stars" career lift
>> Pet Rock handicaps the field for Season 8

Sorry, Jase, it's over. I'm goin' dancin!

Admit it: You saw this one from the next county. Melissa Rycroft is joining "DWTS." She'll be the second one, along with Holly Madison, to fill out the dance card, depleted by all those injuries (Jewel, Nancy O'Dell).

Rycroft: Dumped by Bachelor Guy, who is now the most hated man on the planet, or maybe after Chris Brown.

People.com reported this earlier today, and I could kick myself for not realizing this is exactly what was going to happen. (ABC is neither confirming nor denying, which is the same thing as confirming.) Now, we'll all be able to discuss at length whether the whole thing (the dumping thing, on national TV, last week -- come on, how could you forget so quickly?) really was a con job, designed specifically to lead millions of viewers from "The Bachelor" to "Dancing With the Stars."

So now the big question: Did Nancy O really hurt her leg, or was she asked to step aside to make room for a more bankable star?

Here's reasonably big news on the "Dancing with the Stars" front: Nancy O'Dell AND Jewel are out...

Quotes and details below, but suffice it to say, this is a big blow to "Dancing with the Stars:" Jewel is one of THE big gets this season, in fact the biggest. Nancy's departure is a surprise, too, but stuff happens when you get out on the floor (and you're not athletically inclined...)

Here's the problem for "DWTS:" It now has to replace TWO female contenders, and not just one - Jewel was rumored to be out a week ago. Holly Madison, the ex-Playmate, will probably get the call, but she's far from a household name (that's her and Hef, below)... Meanwhile, Gilles Marini has physical problems too.

A possibility he's leaving too? Who knows - earlier today when I asked, ABC said "no comment." But check out the line below: "Additional changes to the cast will be announced on Monday's show..."

Oh boy...

Here are all the details...

"Jewel and O’Dell will appear on the season premiere of “Dancing with the Stars,” MONDAY, MARCH 9 (8:00-10:02 p.m., ET) to address their injuries. The women were paired with professional dancers Tony Dovolani and Dmitry Chaplin, respectively. Additional changes to the cast will also be announced during Monday’s premiere.

“Like most sports, dancing can be a demanding, physical activity. Each participant of ‘Dancing with the Stars’ warrants in contract that they are physically fit enough to participate in the competition. We love and appreciate Nancy and Jewel’s competitive spirit, drive and desire to perform their best. Though we share in their disappointment that they can no longer continue, their physical well-being takes precedent above all else. We thank them both for giving it their all and wish them a quick and full recovery,” said Executive Producer Conrad Green.

“When the doctors told me my injuries were so severe that I couldn’t walk, let alone compete, I was devastated that I couldn’t continue the show,” said Jewel. “I have every intention of being at ‘Dancing with the Stars’ this season supporting my husband, Ty, and his partner, Chelsie (Hightower). I hope to be back on the show in the future.”

“Beyond disappointment doesn't even being to describe how I feel about not being able to continue on ‘Dancing with the Stars,’” said O’Dell. “It has been one of my favorite shows since Season One! But I have torn the meniscus in my knee in two places, which requires surgery. ‘Dancing with the Stars’ was a great experience. I'll miss working with my partner, Tony Dovolani, and all the other wonderful people on the amazing production that is ‘Dancing with the Stars’”

She's OK!

She can dance!

Don't worry!

Anybody!

But I'll tell ya, ABC sure did (worry, that is) when it looked like she might be sidelined by tendinitis.

Jewel just announced on her blog that she can dance...Good thing, because she and her husband, Ty Murray, are perhaps the biggest draws this season.

Here's the full post:

"So, I went to the physical therapist yesterday and I can say that I am feeling better! He said if I take time now to heal that I will be good to go by next week. I hate missing these days, but it's all for the best in the long run, because I'm in it for the long haul and I wanna win it! :)

Ty and Chelsea are taking advantage of out-practicing me now! Haha.... We don't really feel that competitive against each other, we really just feel supportive and sympathetic for how hard the process is, and we are glad to share it together; but we do like to joke about it being a race. Like yesterday on the Billy Bush show, Ty said that he thinks his best chance of beating me is if I get pregnant during the show so I would be too tired to dance! Talk about a strategy! Haha... Of course, that would be fine with me if it did happen, so either way would be a win!

Anyway, I'm excited to get back to work next week dancing, hopefully it didn't cause me to get too far behind all the other contestants- I only had 3 weeks to prepare, and now it will be only 2 weeks - which isn't much considering how much I have to learn. All I can do is what I'm doing and to try and have fun- which I am! I will enjoy the days off to hang with my husband, and our family.... Anyway, talk to you soon and thank for your well wishes. I will keep u all posted! See you March 9th for my first dance."

[Pix: AP]

Well, Len - YOU gonna criticize this guy's footwork?

Yes dance fans, here's the list.

And - no - dance fans. Stevie Wonder isn't on it.

Yeah, bummer. The biggest - by farrrrrrr - name in "DWTS" history woulda been him. But not to be.

Here's my story, as appearing in Monday's Newsday...And away we go!!

Number 56 is in.

Lawrence Taylor, probably the greatest outside linebacker in Giants history, will be on the eighth season of "Dancing with the Stars."

Don't snicker (and certainly don't snicker in from of LT). Other famed grid stars have probably made it safe for big men to waltz - or jive, or samba, or Mambo, Rumba, Jitterbug or (umm) cha-cha-cha. Dallas Cowboy Emmitt Smith was 2006 champion, while veteran defensive tackle Warren Sapp came perilously close to winning last season. Now, the charter member of the Big Blue Wrecking Crew's turn.

And in a "DWTS" first, a famous husband/wife team will compete: Jewel, and Ty Murray, a rodeo champion.

Taylor - a partner of Fla.-based Exfuse, a health beverage company - was not the most unusual name dropped last night, in ABC's "Name Drop Night" for "DWTS."

Steve Wozniak, Apple co-founder, is on board.

So is Steve O, stunt man on shows like "Jackass" and "Wildboyz," O has been arrested numerous times for narcotics possession, and probably his best-known stunt is something called "the Butterfly" - which will almost certainly NOT be described to viewers of the ABC program.

Other names announced early in the evening:

- David Alan Grier, affectionately known as "DAG" to fans of "In Living Color," currently host of Comedy Central's "Chocolate News."

- Shawn Johnson, the 2008 Olympic women's balance beam gold medalist with the big sunny smile who got almost (but not quite) as much attention as Michael Phelps in the recent Olympics.

- Country music singer Chuck Wicks

- Belinda Carlisle, of '80s new-wave group, the Go-Gos.

- Gilles Marini, or Dante, who lived next door to Samantha (Kim Cattrall) in "Sex and the City" movie.

- Denise Richards, actress, model and Charlie Sheen ex.

- Lil' Kim, top rapper ("The Naked Truth," remember?)

- Nancy O'Dell, co-host (with Billy Bush) of "Access Hollywood.")

Show starts March 9.

Not Stevie, but at least catchy outfit...

(Above, Lil' Kim from Wallpaperbase.com.)

(And...Jewel pix, courtesy of the Valory Music Co.)

As we get ready for tonight's unusual "Dancing with the Stars'" cast reveals, here's the one name out of any and all that would be a jaw-dropper.

Stevie Wonder.

That's right.

Stevie Wonder.

Cast announcements will take place tonight during a series of "interstitials" - short programs - on ABC's primetime, as a gimmick to keep viewers from wandering over to the Grammys (where they might stay.)

And the one name, the biggest name, that just might keep people glued is this one: Wonder. After all, he has won something like two dozen Grammys, so maybe this is what's behind ABC's gimmick. They've got Stevie on board.

Other rumored contestants: Jewel, Lawrence Taylor, Denise Richards, Heidi Klum...

Wonder rumors first surfaced last December, and they were more than rumors - they were essentially confirmed by Wonder himself. He didn't actually say that he was joining this season's cast, but that he had been approached, and that the idea appealed to him.

"It'd be fun, it'd be fun," Wonder told Steve Valentine, host of LA radio show, "Valentine in the Morning." "I've watched it before - no really - I've checked it out before. But I've heard some talk of us possibly doing that, so we might."

We might. Wow.

Wonder would arguably be the biggest star in "DWTS's" history - perhaps unknown to a younger generation more familiar with T.I. - but a household name, and a treasured one, to many millions of others.

Blindness? It'd certainly be a challenge, but any pro he's matched with could function as a pair of "eyes." He'd do very well - a finalist even perhaps.

Pix: Getty

Interesting idea ABC has to announce this season's dancers - their names will be "dropped" throughout Sunday night. It's called: "All Night Name Drop."

Will No. 56 be one? That's the rumor, bordering on likelihood...

Tom Bergeron will host these little interstitials throughout the night - you won't know when and you won't know where, so that viewers won't be flipping back and forth to the Grammys.

Veeeerrrrrry clever. Meanwhile, the LT rumor looks to be true. Show's had a whole lotta success with former football greats. He's a logical choice. Strahan next!

(Pix: Getty)

Sorry to dash your hopes, sports fans, but Donny Osmond is not gonna do "DWTS," as he said on a taping of "Bonnie Hunt," and which got a TON of play on-line (for reasons which elude me.)

This was just posted on "ET's" website:

"I'm definitely not doing this upcoming season," Donny tells ET. "If there was an offer on the table, I'd do it in the fall. I would make room for it. Absolutely!"

What gives? I don't know? Do you know? Anyone got Marie's number? I'll call to see if SHE knows...

Well, I am the jerk of the moment. In this morning's wrap for Newsday on last night's "Dancing with the Stars," I closed out my piece with this line...

"Cloris Leachman ... well, you know all about that. Season eight next: I wonder - does Marty Feldman have any plans next spring?"

As Marty Feldman fans - and as I should have - Feldman died in December 1982. I was not making a joke here - of that, I assure you. It was late. The brain had ceased functioning. And the name of Marty - may he rest in peace - popped into my mind.

In any event, I've substituted the name of this gifted comic in the online edition for another...Gene Wilder!

Sorry, Feldman fans, and sorry, Marty. The mistake - as we say in the trade - was unintentional and regrettable.

Meanwhile, go to the jump to read this interesting note I got from Sue Madore this ayem. Sue's with Guttman Associates - a big-time LA-based PR firm - who reps Cheryl Burke. She INSISTS - contrary to my musings - that Burke and Maurice Greene get along just fine.

Read away...

Continue reading "Marty Feldman" »

I've got a modest proposal for "Dancing with the Stars," and I lay it on you this morning.

Oh, and by the way, Happy Thanksgiving.

Here it is. Are your ready? Sitting down? Good ... without further ado:

"DWTS" should reveal to viewers just how many fan votes came in for each of the three finalists.

There. That's it! Modest, is it not?

Just imagine, when all is said and done, Samantha or Tom look at a piece of paper, and say, "ah, Brooke got XX million votes, while Warren..." And so on.

Here's why the show should do this. So that you - who so eagerly pressed the buttons on your phone all fall, or texted in your vote, or registered on some site to get your votes in on time - can find out whether it was all a massive waste of time.

And guess what? I think it was.

Here's my theory, and faithful readers know it well. Virtually all power on this show resides with the three judges, and their shadow bosses, Conrad Green and the ABC hierarchy. They instituted viewer voting to give viewers the IMPRESSION that they made a difference, much as they do with "American Idol."

When, in fact, these votes don't.

Oh, sure, heavy viewer voting will keep a contestant in the hunt. There's no doubt about that. Cloris Leachman is the perfect example of this. But at the end of the day, ABC - and "DWTS" - know exactly who they want to win, and they make certain that this person does win.

They wanted Brooke Burke to win. And guess who won?

I'm not going to go to my algorithmic charts to prove why this is so, and how it got to be so. But consider this simple fact: Warren Sapp, in all likelihood, got millions more votes than Brooke. How many millions more? That's the question I'd like answered. Simply put, the judges are there to pick the best - so this thing doesn't turn into a travesty (that's good) - but they're also there to pick who they WANT to win. That's bad because it ultimately means the viewers' votes don't count.

So, once more "DWTS." Show us the numbers. Tell us who REALLY was the fan favorite, and then we can all enjoy our turkey.

That's correct: Maybe Warren Sapp could have won and maybe should have won instead of Brooke Burke.

Yes, Warren Sapp, former TB Bucs/Oakland Raiders defensive lineman could have won "DWTS" if you believe "Dialidol," which had him waaaay ahead in the phone count yesterday. And (I ask you) why not? He may not have been the best dancer in this field (but heaven knows, he's got the best personality. Oh wait - you're right. I forgot: This is a DANCING contest.)

Tonight's Judge vote counted for half the total, and Warren/Kym needed a perfect thirty in their romp. Per my theory stated earlier this morning - the Three Amigo Judges planned to do everything in their power to hand this to Brooke. Why? Because they want to overcome the fan tendency to vote for men over women...

The judges succeeded.

Now, check out an endorsement from a Warren fan on the jump; her name's Nialla and she makes some good points in a rebuttal to my Lance post of this morning...

Continue reading ""DWTS": Brooke Wins. Why Not Warren? " »

Watching "DWTS" last night got me to wondering - why do the judges have it in for LB?

I've actually wondered about this all season: Why? He's perfectly good, sometimes very good. He probably should win this thing. While that's not been obvious all along, I do think it was more or less obvious last night.

So why the nattering and general distaste the judges hold for this guy? Week after week, demerit after demerit. What's the problem here? My theory? That he is a guy: "DWTS" has to prove that this show - slogging through a big bad ratings slump in the 7th - isn't weighted heavily in favor of guys. That's why they added Kristi Yamaguchi last season - one of the world's great athletes! - amid a group of amateurs. Naturally ... she won.

Brooke Burke's been quite the surprise - a starlet, E! host, and former Playmate, with no apparent dancing background, who turned out to be terrific. But the Achilles heel of "DWTS" is gender. Unless the female contestant is beyond-the-pale good, female viewers (who comprise the bulk of this show's audience) vote for the males.

That means the judges have to - my theory - shade in favor of the good female contestants just to keep this thing competitive, going into the bloated two-hour finale tonight.

(Another pet theory: That "DWTS" added Brooke Burke to this season to actually build the anemic male viewing base; after all, why shouldn't they tune in to watch, and vote for, a lad mag pinup model?? Ditto Kim Kardashian...)

This is the engine that is currently propelling the entire ABC lineup - a big number tonight is imperative, and if there's a sense that this competition is already over, then the number takes a dive.

In other words, I'm imputing less-than-pure motives to our judge panel.

But you be the judge. Here are the two final freestyles from our two likely finalists...

They couldn't have loved BB's any more ... they yawned over LB's ...

(Oh - and how important are the judges? Beyond important on "DWTS." Consider - you've already voted but THEY get the final word on that last dance tonight; your votes, millions of them, will count for only HALF. Their's will count for the other half. Three against millions. Not bad odds. If I were Lance/Lacey, I'd be worried...Brooke may pull this out yet.)

And after all my swell theories, wouldn't it be wonderful if Warren Sapp won tonight? I do believe he might...I do believe he might. But...he'll need a great night.

Ladies and g'men, your winners...

Now that Cody's gone, we get to this question -- the only question.

Who do the judges, and by association, ABC, want to win?

That's all that matters. In their minds they already have a winner. So who is that? For weeks, Brooke's been the anointed one, though -- for the past couple weeks -- anointment has slipped to disappointment. Why? Maybe that first dance on Monday wasn't great, but the second was good. Warren? Beloved by the judges -- but their votes haven't reflected that. You wonder about their sincerity.

That leaves Lance. I believe they want Lance to win. Unless something really shocking happens, he is the winner.

Why?

The reasons: No. 1, don't forget that the judges know EXACTLY whom viewers are voting for each week. They know who's ahead, and who's dead. They know -- I suspect -- that Lance is pulling in by far the most votes. The judges' votes are more important than viewer votes (simply because the three totals, as expressed as a percentage, are weighted just as much as the votes of millions and millions of viewers.) In short, they don't want to back a loser.

No. 2, women can't win this comp unless they're OVERWHELMINGLY GREAT. (See: Kristi Y.) Brooke's wonderful, but not OG.

No. 3, He's Lance Bass! Fame trumps non-fame, usually -- but not always -- on "DWTS." In the final three, we have a world-famous star, a former NFL great, and Brooke -- who, I'm sorry, but no one ever heard of until she got here.

No. 4, I think ABC wants to be in biz with Lance Bass. In a recession, getting people to those expensive "DWTS" tours, you need a draw. No, LB's not the draw he was eight or nine years ago, but he's still LB, hence more promotable. Sure, you'd say, LB will be on the tour even if he doesn't win BUT the tour's more promotable and hence saleable if he DOES win. Believe me on this point.

Yeah, Len's been hard on him, but I think it's been a "good" hard - as in, "get your act together pal, because we're depending on you."

That's my "DWTS" wrap. Let's check back next week to see if I'm outrageously wrong -- it's been known to happen -- or right.

Is this the shoe that just won the seventh season of "Dancing with the Stars?" The shoe that was lost in the final routine of one Lance Bass? The shoe that was an anonymous white sneaker - just happy to get tied once in a while - that suddenly flew off the foot of Bass and, as a result, got its close-up on national TV?

It could be (or probably not, since I just grabbed the image off of Google - but hopefully you get the idea.) These kind of things turn voters, and turn competitions - not that this has happened on "DWTS" before. It has not. But the fact is, Lance Bass/Lacey - who I picked to win this from the very beginning - had their best night of the season, and you can't pick a better night to have a best night than the penultimate one. Then off came the shoe - and that sealed it.

So here's where it stands a week before the end:

1.) Cody will go tonight.

2.) Next week's shoot-out leaves...Warren Sapp and Lance Bass as the finalists (I just don't think Brooke has the popular vote to push her past him, particularly since last night, she and Warren were dead even, with a total of 49, at the end of the night; Lance/Lacey? A huge 57.)

3.) And the winner...if both shoes stay on...if he does as well as he did last night...if the votes keep coming in from 'N Sync fans...If Len gets off his case...If Brooke stumbles...If Warren does something really unexpected, like throw a body tackle on the three judges...Then...

Lance wins.

Yes, that's a lot of "ifs" and only one shoe. But it looks good right now for LB..

Good Lord, what's going on with "Dancing with the Stars" stars? First Helio gets charged with tax evasion; now, Mark Cuban.

The Securities and Exchange Commission is charging him with insider trading - apparently dumping shares of something called Moma.com, and thereby avoiding a loss of $750,000. All this happened about four years ago; as you know, Cuban was evicted from "DWTS" just about this time one year ago.

Here's a nice walk down memory lane, in case you've forgotten some of Mark's fancy footwork...umm, on the dance floor.

Finally, and sadly, I'm pretty certain we can say goodbye to Cloris tonight.

In fact, let's just say goodbye right now.

Goodbye, Cloris. You were the best. And by "the best," I don't mean "the best," but something approximating "the most amusing, the most aggravating, the most cleavaged, the most outspoken (if ya know what I mean)."

There's no way she can overcome last night's judge's score of 15 - which is almost as low as you can go on "DWTS" without actually just throwing up your hands and saying "to hell with THIS! I'm outta here."

We're all fond of Clo, but there's been reasonable speculation that the show wanted her gone. If so, success is at hand.

Consider: Temp judge Michael Flatley seemed to give everyone a "9" last night. And then he shreds poor Clo with a 5.

Here's a clip from a disgruntled viewer, if you missed last night, who even went so far as to insert bubble comments...

Nikki Finke posted this one on her always-engaging blog (deadlinehollywooddaily.com), and I feel compelled to share too...

She said she got this via email. And now, for your viewing pleasure...

"Vote for MEEEEE!!!!!"

My God, is the fix in on "Dancing with the Stars," or what? For some reason - probably some reason to do with demographics, ad rates, money, finance, profit, and the continued dominance and preeminence of the Walt Disney Company - "DWTS" judges have effectively decided that either Brooke Burke or "Commander" Cody Linley will win this competition.

That's it. Over. Done. Don't even bother voting anymore. Your votes no longer count. As long as the judges continue to give 9, 10s, and - I'm sure if they could - 11s and 12s to Burke and Commander Cody, this edition is over.

I don't get it.

They're good, I suppose, though last night's jitterbugs were almost insufferable - obnoxious, cute, treacly and just plain gross. But the judges LOVED them, the Cutesy Twins, and they always do, because - as mentioned - they've decided to crown one of these two.

But there is still hope.

I believe Warren Sapp could win this thing.

I believe Warren Sapp SHOULD win this thing.

I believe Warren Sapp WILL win this thing.

If the judges put a brake on their bias for the Cutsie Twins. If they do...

Sapp was the best last night. Easily the best. Style, poise, passion - Kym Johnson too. It's up to the voters now. They have to do the work. Let's see if they do.

(Pix of QB Killa from his Buc days, courtesy James Borchuck, of the St. Pete Times.)

Cripes, Misty's definitely leaving and no surprise there - especially when the poor woman hobbled on stage a little while ago. Here are the basic details: Misty May-Treanor, Olympic gold medalist in beach volleyball, and a pretty good hoofer, too, confirmed she had ruptured her Achilles' tendon during a Friday rehearsal for the Lindy Hop. Hobbling on stage with aid of crutches and her left lower leg in a cast, she told viewers that she heard a "pop" and at first assumed she could continue dancing because "I thought, 'I'm an athlete ... [but] it felt "like nothing was there ... I knew something bad had happened."

"I never thought in a million years, especially in ballroom [dancing], that I'd hurt myself." Surgery Tuesday and no big deal with respect to the volleyball biz because "I was planning on taking time off anyway." She's the first to leave the hit show while in progress because of an injury. Country singer-songwriter Sara Evans left the show a couple of seasons ago, citing personal reasons.

"DWTS" will announce tonight how it'll work around May-Treanor's early exit. Could Kim be coming back?

Looks like it's true, though an official confirmation is due later this morning. Misty May- Treanor is expected to withdraw after she was injured in practice Friday. A Saturday statement didn't look too encouraging: "Misty May-Treanor sustained an injury on Friday and received immediate medical attention," producers say the in a statement. "Despite previous reports, she did not break her ankle."

("Previous reports...????")

"Doctors will reevaluate her condition on Monday and determine the outcome of her participation on the show."

Well, you can probably predict what they'll say - what SHE'LL say. (Why would a world-class athlete continue to work through an injury? No reason at all.) She won't be the first withdrawal. Sara Evans left midway in the third season and the show did go on. Still, MMT looked like a keeper - talent, stamina and charisma.

Yes, Helio Castroneves has pleaded not guilty to those tax evasion charges, if you hadn't heard.

Here's the full AP story with all the details:

MIAMI (AP) — Two-time Indianapolis 500 winner and TV "Dancing With The Stars" champion Helio Castroneves pleaded not guilty Friday to charges that he used offshore accounts to evade U.S. taxes on more than $5 million in income.

The 33-year-old race car driver, who appeared in court in handcuffs and leg chains, was ordered released on $10 million bail. His lawyer, Mark Seiden, said Castroneves would depart later in the afternoon for a weekend race in Atlanta.

"We would enter a plea of not guilty," said Seiden, standing alongside a visibly shaken and frowning Castroneves.

Terms of Castroneves' release allow him to travel for work in the United States but not abroad, meaning he will likely miss a race later this month in Australia, Seiden said.

A grand jury on Thursday indicted Castroneves on charges of conspiracy and six counts of tax evasion for purportedly failing to report to the IRS about $5.5 million in income between 1999 and 2004, according to court documents. Each count carries a maximum five-year prison sentence.

Also facing charges are Katiucia Castroneves, the driver's sister and business manager, and attorney Alan R. Miller of Birmingham, Mich. They did not enter pleas but were ordered released on bail of $2 million and $250,000, respectively.

Another Castroneves attorney, David Garvin, said he was disappointed that the tax dispute could not be resolved without criminal charges.

Here's something that's hard to believe, but Helio Castroneves, winner of "Dancing with the Stars" -- and oh yeah, incidentally, who also happens to be one of the world's great Indy car drivers -- has been charged with tax evasion.

Here's the story from the Indy Star, via USA Today.

Meanwhile, TMZ is reporting that he has pleaded not guilty to seven charges.

I'm hearing that some people are actually surprised that Cloris Leachman remains - perhaps to become the next Marie Osmond of "DWTS" - while they were surprised that Kim Kardashian got the one-way exit ticket last night. Why? What could be their reasons? Playmates almost never win this competition, while the core audience is composed of enough AARP members to keep the somewhat grayer contestants in the hunt for at least a few weeks. Plus, you will note that votefortheworst.com - that puckish site that encourages viewers to vote for the worst - has put its muscle and passion behind Cloris. Kim could have only wished she'd been selected for this distinction.

My vote counted! Cloris survived to another night, to another possible obscenity-laced invective against Len! This is getting good. I wasn't surprised - this is Cloris, Frau Blucher, the lady that told Len where to get off. She got more votes - I imagine - than Lance.

I stick with my prediction, and will do so until the day he goes - which will be the finale: Lance wins this. Brooke? Yeah, fine, good, talented, a surprise, etc. But this one's Lance's.

And you do know, right, that Jeff Ross got the boot last night? I hear Clay Aiken is out too. I'm shocked, shocked, shocked, shocked...

Yes, that's why I love live TV, too - you never know, you just never know.

Because, if you can read lips, as 25 million people did last night, they know what Cloris Leachman called Len in the season premiere. And if that wasn't enough, she laid the "s&*%$!" word onto Carrie Ann, and then Bruno got pretty much the same. This in response to VERY generous scores of (I believe) 6s.

But the s-word - you know, in French, "merde" - did sneak in without getting beeped.

Said she, translated to French, "Merde, I can't even add up those numbers..."

(She probably shoulda gotten fours. Question: What expletive would come with a four? )

Amazing, and...a "Dancing with the Stars" first!

How WAS Frau Blucher, otherwise? As pretty much you would expect, she was perfectly OK... But my fearless prediction: She will not last much beyond this week, if that, and after last night's now-legendary outburst, I'm thinking the producers are hoping that she gets the hook by tonight. What a shame if she goes. Cloris is a fun gal! She's got MY vote.

This season's winner? I stick with my original prediction: Lance Bass will win this thing. There is no doubt. He is so good, so facile, so famous, and so perfect for all the requirements of this show - notwithstanding the fact that every 'N Sync fan will of course vote for him - that it's all over, right now. Turn out the lights - although we do have to come back tonight to see what other choice descriptors Cloris will lay on us.

You go girl.

Lance and Lacey Schwimmer? I was very impressed, and I'm NEVER impressed by the first episode of this show; it tends to be arduous, if not painful. Not this one: Bass/Schwimmer came out and tore it up, and only an hour into the seventh season. Pretty impressive.

Here's a repeat (and glad to see my old friend, Phillymac25630 back...)

Well, here I go again. Making a wild - and possibly wildly inaccurate prediction - but I'm gonna do it anyway. That's just what I do, and if I'm wrong, don't blame me. Blame the voters. (Because I AM right here.)

Drum role...

Take a deep breath...

And now, introducing my choice to win the 2008 7th season of "Dancing with the Stars", bowing September 24 is....

Oh, wait. You already who it is. I put his name in the headline (And there's that nice big picture too.)

Yes, Lance Bass will win this season's "Dancing with the Stars."

I've consulted the charts. Spoken with astrologers. Thought long and deeply about this. Considered the pros. The cons. The in-betweens.

And this is what it all adds up to: This is Lance's to lose.

Let's count my nine reasons:

1.) Right age (29).

2.) Huge fame from 'N Sync, which will guarantee votes no matter how lead-footed.

3.) He's NOT lead-footed, of course. Hey! We're talking boy band talent here.

4.) Hugely competitive - he'll really want to beat Joey Fatone.

5.) Great stamina. He's an astronaut, for crying out loud.

6.) He's serious about this - "DWTS" isn't some gig to fill the hours between more important gigs.

7.) Very camera savvy

8.) A male will win this season - that's just the way it's gonna be.

9.) Yeah, he's out, but that shouldn't make a difference here and may actually help.

10.) For a moment, I don't have a tenth reason, but give me time. I'm sure I'll think of one.

Go to the jump for the odds for the rest of this season's crew...

Continue reading "Bass Will Win "Dancing with the Stars"" »

(Holly Stein photo)

Do we need to mine deeply to figure out what the HUGE news from this ayem's "GMA" announcement is? Misty May-Treanor is gonna be a "DWTS" contestant. Plus a little more news outta this announcement, and from the press release I quote: "For the first time ever, all 13 teams must prepare two routines for the first week of competition, one of which they’ll perform on Monday night." The significance of this? Obvious - it means more work, more stress, and more sweat for the contestants, but also forces them to get up to speed more quickly. (On "DWTS," it usually takes a few weeks for most contestants to get their dancing skills up to speed, but this new wrinkle should hasten that.)

More news from "DWTS:" That Lance Bass has joined. He was expected to, and precipitated some chatter over whether he'd be paired with a male dancing partner; he will not be. The show said he'll be paired with new-comer pro Lacey Schwimmer. The full list is on the jump, and I'll get to an analysis when I have a few minutes today.

Show bows Sept. 24.

(The above photo - incredible no? - was shot by Holly Stein. To find out more about Holly and her extraordinary work, go here...)

Continue reading ""DWTS:" Misty May-Treanor is Joining!" »

This should be the easiest call in "DWTS" history - a bet so sure that that the term "sure bet" even seems inadequate. That Kristi Yamaguchi is the best of the final two, proved again last night almost effortlessly, is beyond self-evident. The judges and the show have her exactly where they want her - in the top three, and then, doubtless, into the bottom two, and finally standing alone, with Mark Ballas, at the end.

The first female victor of this show since the first season.

Kristi Yamaguchi will win tonight.

She's SUPPOSED to win tonight - that's why "DWTS" picked her in the first place. A female contestant so good - so outrageously good - that it would be theoretically impossible for her to lose. Or statistically impossible. A female champion and a chance for this show to finally shut down the chatter that viewers (overwhelmingly female) vote only for male contestants, and preferably for male contestants who show their abs as Jason Taylor did last night (oh, and not to be outdone, Cristian too.)

If Kristi doesn't win, then "DWTS" has a little problem - a dance competition that really isn't a competition, but more like a beauty contest.

Say, "Mr. America: The Hoofer Edition."

So Kristi must win. Should win. Has to win. And absolutely, indisputably WILL win.

Unless...unless...(This IS "DWTS" after all.)

Meanwhile, some of the big polls out there bear this conclusion out. AOL TV's poll this morning has her the winner. Yahoo TV's poll not only has the winner, but the massively overwhelming winner, scoring almost 60 percent of the vote (while the bottom two guys don't even crack 30 percent.)

It's over.

Here's last night's freestyle round:

This I would have liked to have seen: Tracy Turnblad, the winner of "Dancing with the Stars." But this I am not going to see. Too bad, really - but then, I've REALLY struggled to care much about this season anyway.

With Marissa Jaret Winokur/Tony Dovolani gone, this is what's gone with her - the grin, the personality, the never-say-die, and the enthusiasm so infectious and (seemingly/doubtlessly) genuine. She really DID dance as if winning this comp actually MEANT something which of course it does not. This leaves the field to the field to the final three, and quickly, let's assess their chances: 1.) Front-runner Cristian/Cheryl: Who cares whether they were in the bottom two last night. That's an old "DWTS" trick just to throw you off. He's got the looks/charm (as does Cheryl Burke) and the bad arm; that's the winning combo this season. 2.) Jason/ Edyta: Athleticism pays off, plus constant photo shoots for the likes of TV Guide/EW where he shows off his pecs. Plus, these last three-runners virtually tied with the judges Monday; they're not that far apart. 3.) Kristi/Mark: Said it before. Say it again. She won't win. Will go into final two. Audience gasp audibly when Cristian/Cheryl announced as winners. And life as we know it will go on.

(Above: How 'bout that ABC photo?!)

No surprise here: What R&B; singer with the "bloody ugly feet" from Monday danced off stage forever last night?

(Personally, I thought his feet looked just fine, Len.)

Actually, Mario -- who pretty much wins hands-down for the most gracious exit speech this season -- looked positively thrilled he got voted off. (Time to get back to my career! This thing has taken up enough time already! I've got a life, for crying out loud! This is hard work! Etc.) If he was thrilled -- secretly -- I totally sympathize.

Anyway, we're on to the semifinals next week. Kristi K is the "putative winner," and was from day one, but who knows? That one-armed bandit sure looks like he could steal this whole thing yet.

I suppose Cristian said it about as well as anyone last night:"Shoulda started dancing with one arm way before..." Shoulda and probably coulda. Who says you need all your limbs to dance well, or even very well? Cristian/Cheryl had a better two-fer last night than anyone else, and -- if they keep this up -- might even win "DWTS." Even with one arm, he's still a favorite over Kristi Y because women vote for men, and she's a woman, so...

All this business last week about "will he or won't he...?" The clever and erroneous leaks to TMZ and Extra, which not only predicted but SAID he would bow out? The padded elimination show that held out on his "final decision" until the last millisecond?

A gimmick -- another one of those staged "dramas" designed to stoke interest in a show that's had little this season. There was no way Cristian was going to back out, ever. He proved last night -- beyond any shadow of a doubt -- that you can handle this comp with one arm, without even breaking a sweat.

That said, they were both very good. They got their best scores ever (a total of 57), and 29 for the Mambo. Here's the replay of that performance:

... stays!
Cristian de la Fuente,the soap-laden Chilean soap star with hips, personality, dramatic (soapy) flair and a busted arm -- plus one of the front-runners till said arm decided otherwise -- will stick with the show.

A surprise? Heck, yeah. He popped his elbow so loudly Monday you could almost hear it.

(BTW, I'm surprised and amused to see some of the wire stories this morning reporting in their leads that Shannon Elizabeth got booted -- as if that's even news! Well, ya just never know.)

TMZ and "Extra" were so certain he was gone yesterday they (basically) led their Web sites with the news. My theory? Someone snookered 'em to boost ratings. (Hell hath no fury like a snookered TMZ, so watch out "DWTS.")

Anyway, here's my breathless wrap in today's paper; sorry if you've already read this:

In an edition that was masterfully padded if not paced, "DWTS" -- and de la Fuente -- declined to reveal his decision until a couple of minutes before 10. Oh, they were tricky, those "DWTS" producers: It seemed as if he'd go. Then stay. Then go. "It'd be a tragedy down the boulevard of broken dreams if he can't continue," said a faux-mournful and indefatigably maudlin, Len Goodman, in the purplest of purple phrases of the night.

But Cristian was not to be outdone. With minutes to go -- and with the judges yet to reveal who the final two would be (Cristian and Cheryl Burke were in the bottom four) he explained that an MRI had revealed that his tendon was ruptured and surgery was required. But "I just talked to my doctor five minutes ago, and said, if he can delay the surgery and if people voted for us, I'd like to be there and not give up."

Seconds later, he and Burke won a reprieve, and will return next week. How will he dance? My half-baked theory: With one arm! Brilliant. I think he's a righty (the one that got hurt, I believe) so he just leads with his left. Plus -- no lifts, Cristian.

I think our boy can pull this off.

So you've heard the "big" news (and probably saw it too) by now: Cristian de la Fuente, who may well be the David Archuleta of this edition (or the Brooke White -- your call), hurt his arm last night, and by the looks of things, pretty severely. He had to stop either almost all the way through, or at the very end -- it's hard to determine -- and got badly penalized as a result. The judges all gave him and partner Cheryl Burke 7's, which could land them in the bottom three tonight.

(Fair? I'm not sure, but then what else are the judges supposed to do? The show must go on...)

So now the question: How did viewers respond. One can reasonably surmise he got a huge voter turnout and is safe for next week. But will his arm heal in time? And if so, will it happen again? And what caused the injury?

Here's the clip (and thanks to Dance4fun22 for posting):

Marlee Matlin gone from "Dancing with the Stars?" Surprised? Well, sure, in a way. Very much so. She and Fabian Sanchez did not put on a dancing clinic week after week, but they put on something a little better - a dancing miracle. I know this has been explained on the show endless times, and I imagine that to the hearing impaired this may come off as a slightly foolish or slightly ignorant observation - but how does one dance, or dance well, when one can not hear the music? Yet that's what Matlin did each week, and did it a hell of a lot better than I - possessed of two sound ears - could ever accomplish in my wildest or wooliest dreams.

Honestly, her's may have been one of those rare accomplishments on "Dancing with the Stars" that we'll actually remember - or at least marvel at when prompted to remember. (Heather Mills? I dunno - considering who she is, and what most people associate her with, I don't think memories of her stint on "DWTS" are especially fond.) "DWTS" - more often than not and more often this season than not - is typically a cheese factory, while who wins or who stays is of sweeping insignificance in the grand scheme of things (quick - who won last season?! Gotcha...)

But Matlin's too-brief stint here didn't feel like a gimmick on this gimmicky show; it felt like the real thing performed by someone who wanted to prove something and pretty much did. Credit goes to Sanchez, of course, and most credit to Matlin. Doesn't all this count for audience votes - even if the footwork and grace isn't always in place? I certainly thought so. Oh well - with Matlin gone, another reason to get less invested in "DWTS" this season.

Here's here mambo again; I couldn't find a Youtube of her country dance from Monday...

I liked Adam Carolla on this show, though apparently I was the only one who voted for him on Monday; people take this show so SERIOUSLY. Don't they want to have a little fun? What's the matter with a unicycle/dance routine?You've never seen it before. I'VE never seen it before. Why not? Unicycles and paso dobles go together, in some way - yet to be fully determined.

But no matter: One vote is not going to do it and Carolla and Juliane Hough are gone. (Almost) needless to say, this is a very bad thing. Carolla added those extra element so glaringly missing this season - the elements of surprise and humor (and fun.) He's not exactly a "dangerous" character, but he is unpredictable, and we so dearly hoped he would stick around to say something impolite again - something that would shock Len into silence, or force Bruno into a tirade, or make Carrie Ann stand up (and walk out). Now, we'll be saddled with politeness, and pleasantries, and predictability the rest of the way.

And oh yeah, Kristi Yamaguchi is still the best.

For those who want to see the paso doble on wheels one more time, here it is:

This is too bad, insofar as I liked the Goot - Steve Guttenberg: Liked his style, sense of fun, and overall grace. But...well...ummm...the salad mixing bowl. I'm fairly certain that wearing a salad mixing bowl on this particular national TV show is not a way to win.

Whatever. Who cares. Salad. Bowls. Mixing. He got tossed (groan) off tonight, and that's that. Still surprised. I figured he'd be around a while. Here's the non-winning performance from Tuesday, salad bowl and all. (And if you don't care to watch again - understood - on Tuesday he puts on the salad bowl, to deflect flak from the judges...)

You know I'd just LOVE to sit here and bang out some blog item about how swell last night's "DWTS" was, but when you realize that quite possibly the only interesting contestant was Adam Carolla, then you know we've got serious problems.

What is it about "DWTS" this season? Is it just me - a crank, in the best of circumstances - or does it all feel so pat and tired and old, very old. I feel older just watching it.

This is not the way "Dancing with the Stars" is supposed to be. There should be some drama, and bountiful silliness, a fainting spell or two. But everyone just seems to be going through the steps. Case in point: Kristi Yamaguchi, who is so good that this competition, such as it is, ended the first night. She's pure talent and has so much polish and skill and is so ridiculously over-qualified for this thing that it feels, or rather is, lop-sided beyond belief.

If she loses - and of course she will - it will merely reaffirm the notion, already well-established, that women can't win this show (and haven't since after the first season.) Yet last night? She was fine, but boring - terribly boring. Got nines. Big deal. Who cares. She's a pro.

The other contestants? I can't even muster enough enthusiasm to babble about them this morning; it's your job. I haven't the heart.

And by the way, this isn't an April Fool's joke.

Come on, "DWTS." Wake up. Get some fire in yer belly. Pretend this is exciting and a competition. It shouldn't be THAT hard.

You woke up this morning, wondering. "Why were the Jonas Brothers on 'DWTS' last night? Why was something that coulda been, shoulda been over in ten seconds, expanded to two full bloated insanely dull hours...? And I was so sick of all the padding and commercials that I went to bed early, and now don't even have a clue who got voted off last night?"

And that, my friends, is what I was put on this earth for: To tell you who got voted off of "Dancing with the Stars" last night...

Without any further padding of my own...and I do mean, no padding...they were...

Drum roll...

(Isn't this exciting...?)

Oops, I forgot. I already put their names in the headline.

That's right: Big Boy, or Big Foot, or Young Frankenstein. AKA Penn Jillette. He's gone. And so is Monica Seles.

This is not a surprise. I repeat: This is not a surprise. Reason is that at this early stage, if you have a really lousy judge score (counting for one half of your total) it's just about impossible to muster much audience support either. They had the lowest scores, ergo...adios.

But I'll still miss Big Foot. Comic relief is important in shows bloated to a full two hours. Plus, I was hoping he'd regale the audience at some point with his own version of "The Aristocrat."

(Above, great players do not always make great dancers...)

Well, I'm thinking tonight's double-elimination is probably one of the easiest calls in "DWTS" history. First of all, Monica. Great tennis player. Not great dancer. Last night was a deal-sealer, because whatever she did...I don't even fully recall...was not so much a display of incompetence as much a display of boredom. "This dancing business...ho hum...couldn't be bothered..." She's scored (I believe) 15 two weeks in a row, which simply means she'd need an extraordinary audience turn-out to overcome the judge liability.

That won't happen.

And...Penn. Comedy on the dance floor is fine - but trick ties, and voodoo dolls, and other tricks of the comedian/magician trade become distractions almost as much as the size 22 feet. Again, the judges penalized him last night (no score ever given for "comedy timing") which means another massive turn-out by viewers is needed. That just won't happen either.

Why not Carolla? Good question, and you could certainly call it a toss-up, I imagine, but there was a whole lotta redeeming going on last night. The "Mitch" business as a way of explaining away his "bitch" comment to Carrie Ann? That might just annoy viewers, while a simple apology might've worked a hell of a lot better. Who'll for for AC - who displayed major improvement last night BTW? Maybe radio fans. But that's a real stretch.

But only two can go tonight and my picks are Penn and Monica.

Here's Monica one more time; can't bear to watch Penn again...

The winner! (Um, already?)

Oh, I'm on to your game, "Dancing with Stars." Oh, yes I am.

Can't fool Uncle Verne. It's so obvious, so ridiculously obvious, that no one will be fooled.

The women are pretty good to excellent, overall. The guys are horrific to good, overall. Do we smell a trend here?

We do. Why have they stacked the odds in favor of the women? Because - of course - women don't vote for women contestants, and "DWTS" is simply attempting to tilt the balance so dramatically in their favor this season that there will be - that there CAN be - no doubt whatsoever that a woman should win "DWTS." A woman MUST win this season; it's the only way the franchise will keep a shred of credibility, otherwise the word will be out, more or less officially, that only guys can win this show, because women viewers are voting for them.

Guys? Honestly - I think I'm the only one on the planet who actually watches "DWTS."

Kristi Yamaguchi was so accomplished last night that she's already secured a final four position - unless the ghost of Sabs Bryan returns to prove once again that (only) the good die young on "DWTS." (And knowing "DWTS," she will...)

Let's break 'em down:

Shannon Elizabeth/Derek Hough: Sets the tone for the whole evening, with a surprisingly good open round; Hough's great so that shouldn't be a surprise, but Eliz? Who'da figured. All legs and torso. Her Achilles heel: women voters, who will likely discover she was in Maxim or some such mag. That won't help. No, it won't.

Monica Seles/Jonathan Roberts: Youth and athleticism. Those were the things I thought she had in her favor. But last night's performance was so somnolent that I nodded off then fell into a deep dreamless sleep. But...that said, she was still competent.

Marissa Jaret Winokur/Tony Dovolani: Tracy Turnblad brings it on home. Man, I just knew the actress in Marissa would trump whatever other deficiencies she might bring to this thing, but you know what? There's raw potential here, and with that big 'ol smile and show biz savvy, I see her as a contender for weeks to come.

Priscilla Presley/Louis Van Amstel: Again, a shocker! What I like about Priscilla is that deep - almost ridiculously deep - sense of purpose. She's so so serious. But that paid off because she took a relatively complicated routine and worked it out nicely. Again, I see HER around for a while, too. And there was also a very telling comment by Sam Harris: "You need to vote guys..." That's right. They need to, but will they?

Kristi Yamaguchi/Mark Ballas: You already know what I think. She's so absurdly good that this whole comp is suddenly over. Good thing ABC needs to stretch this out through the May sweeps... She was actually fun to watch, and "fun" doesn't usually come into the equation in the first round.

Marlee Matlin/Fabian Sanchez: And so it went - a female contestant who was solid on her feet again, and "solid" in a good way. She's someone else who's on this show for a while.

Big Hair is good. Very good.

Front-runner. Night One.

So let's get straight to it: The guys are weak. Not awful. Just weak. Add 'em all up together, and you end up with "average." Which isn't good enough.

Of course, there were exceptions, though the best performances last night were still only OK, and enhanced by the ol' charm factor.

Will a guy win the sixth season of "Dancing with the Stars?" With statistics and past history as indicators, the answer is yes. But based on last night, the answer is no.

Let's break 'em on down:

Penn Jillette/Kym Johnson: He absolutely reminded me of that classic sequence in "Young Frankenstein" when Gene Wilder first introduced his gorgeous creation to the world, and what did Frank do? Dance a soft-shoe on stage. "DWTS" seems to think comic relief was missing from last season, but I'm not sure viewers come to this for laughs. Penn was certainly funny. Bantering with Bruno about card tricks, the latter says: "I've done a few tricks in my life." Penn: "We don't wanna go there..." No, we don't.

Jason Taylor/Edyta Sliwinska: Like this Dolphin so far, and the best example of charisma trumping raw talent (OK, maybe Cristian is the best example, but more on that in a sec.) He's got game and humor and a sense of purpose, and you need all three to click with the viewer at home. So he'll be fine through the opening weeks. Problem is perspective: This combo LOOKS odd, because he's six six and 255 pounds. Edyta is (like) half his size.

Cristian de La Fuente/Cheryl Burke: I see great possibilities here, and you know darn well that so does Cheryl who - I would bet my bottom nickel - insisted on the Mad Chilean after having to slump around the stage with Wayne Newton last year. She wants to win again, and probably insisted on a comer as opposed to a loser. He's got pure charisma, and so does she, but he's gotta cut down a bit on that vanity; women voters may swoon at first, but the act will wear thin. He needs to project "sincerity..." He's an actor - should be able to figure it out.

Adam Carolla/Julianne Hough: Well, you just know this one's doomed. Why did "DWTS" producers decide on this act? I can tell you why. The show - and ABC - want to enrich the male demo on the show, because it's skewing too heavily female. More guys watching means an even bigger audience, and maybe a possibility that they'll vote for women contestants. (Women viewers usually seem to vote for male contestants...) But only problem - Adam could be voted off first. He's funny. That might count for something. But likely not.

Mario/Karina Smirnoff: We're on to ya, "DWTS." Those little openers are dead giveaways to performances, always. Karina has a herniated disk. Oh, doom, doom! And of course they were just fine. Mario's the male front-runner - not quite David Archuleta, perhaps, but the guy to beat so far.

Steve Guttenberg/Anna Trebunskaya: Yeah, my first thought too: Steve has had a lot of work done, and by that I mean, "face-lift." He's been completely re-modeled, and my sincere compliments to the surgeon who did the honors. But bless 'im - who cares? He's in Hollywood! You just don't let your face fall and call it a day. In the city of perpetual youth, youth must be served and preserved. Steve's feet did a reasonable job last night too. I think he's on this show for a while - maybe quite a while. People will like his charm and enthusiasm - I believe it's called "infectious." Plus, he'll start giving plugs for his charity, and that'll seal the deal. How could you vote off a guy who has his name on a major charity? You can't! Steve's good to go, plus how savvy can you get? He wished his parents a happy 50th. Oh you're good, Guttenberg. You're very good.

Mr. Hollywood. A keeper - for now.

I never learn. Never ever... I know full well that Kristi Yamaguchi should easily win this season's (the sixth already; how time flies) "Dancing with the Stars" but by so saying, I know now that she won't. Just because she's a world-class athlete? Has performed in a thousand ice shows? Knows how to work audiences? Has a gifted pro by her side (Mark Ballas?)

I'm onto your game, "Dancing." Won't be fooled again. Know you always like to put in a "can't miss" contestant, just to EMBARRASS me when I post my odds, and just to make everyone think, "oh, it's over already..."

It isn't. Simply consider - the odds are far in favor of a guy winning.

Anyway, here are my odds. (This is a repeat of those published in today's paper, so if you've seen 'em already, sorry...)

Adam Carolla/Julianne Hough: "The Man Show" man, and LA radio personality. Amusing fellow though, one wonders, how will this act play with the predominantly female voting base? Odds: 24:1.

Cristian de La Fuente/Cheryl Burke: Chilian actor, and VERY ugly. Plenty of U.S.TV exposure but low name recognition. That could hurt, but not too much. Also, shades of Helio? Also, Cheryl; I believe she's a two-time winner, and after getting stuck with last season's comic relief (Wayne Newton) probably wants to step into winner's circle again. Odds: 7:1.

Shannon Elizabeth/Derek Hough: Actress ("Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back") and, I hear, a pretty good poker player. But will she rate here? Unlikely - guys usually (in fact, just about always) win. Odds: 25:1.

Steve Guttenberg/Anna Trebunskaya: Most of us remember Steve back when he was famous ("Diner," et al.) But what have you done for us lately Steve? He's head of something called the Guttenberg House which helps foster kids. Ladies will LOVE that. But this feels like a Mark Cuban kinda entry; he's serious but probably doesn't expect a win. Odds: 8-1.

Mario/Karina Smirnoff: Ah, youth. Mario's 21 and also very ugly. Best known of the male celebs here, although demo that watches this show (post 35-year-olds) will think Mario is some kind of an Italian guy. He knows how to rap, but dance? Can probably learn pretty easy if he doesn't. Odds: 10-1.

Marlee Matlin/Fabian Sanchez: Plenty 'o TV exposure, but missing that one...big...break (since "Children of a Lesser God.") She's one of my favorites to go far. Odds: 5:1.

Penn Jillette/Kym Johnson: Great to have PJ here; he'll add that rare caustic element. Also, I can hardly wait for "DWST" to start showing outtakes from "P&T;: Bull&%$@!" or "The Aristocrats." Odds: 200:1.

Priscilla Presley/Louis Van Amstel: She's in that sweet spot, demographically, with vast name recognition. Love her chances to go far, but not into winners' circle. Odds: 7:1.

Monica Seles/Jonathan Roberts: Youth and athleticism and (of course) winner's spirit. But I just don't think voters'll go all the way for her. Odds: 10:1.

Jason Taylor/Edyta Sliwinska: The Dolphins?! (Gulp.) But like Mario and Cristian, he's very VERY ugly. That said, I like his chances best of all the guys. Odds: 4:1.

Marissa Jaret Winokur/Tony Dovolani: Love the thought of Tracy Turnblad winning "DWTS." She's a very good actress too, which counts for a great deal on "DWTS." Odds: 6:1.

Kristi Yamaguchi/Mark Ballas: On paper (and maybe on-screen), KY is unbeatable. Forget the skating championships - millions of them - it's the ice show tours that give her such a huge edge here. She makes it to the final two, unless she's done in by that "why vote for her because she's so good" syndrome, which did in Sabrina Bryan last year. Can a woman win this show (ever again)? That's the big question. Odds: 3:1.

Who’s dancing who?

Here’s who, from ABC's “Dancing With the Stars” pairings announcement on this morning’s “Good Morning America”:

ADAM CAROLLA & JULIANNE HOUGH – The big mouth and the cutie pie.

SHANNON ELIZABETH & DEREK HOUGH – Julianne’s brother gets another Jennie Garth-type.

CRISTIÁN DE LA FUENTE & CHERYL BURKE – The telenovela star is a waaaay better deal for multi-champ Cheryl than last year’s Wayne Newton.

STEVE GUTTENBERG & ANNA TREBUNSKAYA – Anna is married to professional dancer Jonathan Roberts, who gets . . .

MONICA SELES & JONATHAN ROBERTS – Let’s hope Monica doesn’t faint. (Jonathan had to catch Marie Osmond last season.)

PENN JILLETTE & KYM JOHNSON – Well, if Kym could cope with Jerry Springer . . .

MARIO & KARINA SMIRNOFF – Another Mario for Karina, who previously taught Mario Lopez.

MARLEE MATLIN & FABIAN SANCHEZ – The professional newcomer is, according to ABC, “the 2006 World Mambo Champion, a four-time Fred Astaire National Champion and the United States Rising Star, and the 1999 American Rhythm Champion.” But can he sign?

PRISCILLA PRESLEY & LOUIS VAN AMSTEL – Priscilla seems a less likely musical mover than Monique Coleman, Louis’ previous partner.

MARISSA JARET WINOKUR & TONY DOVOLANI – At least this Broadway babe has a head start in movement over Jane Seymour.

JASON TAYLOR & EDYTA SLIWINSKA – Two hot numbers, together at last!

KRISTI YAMAGUCHI & MARK BALLAS – Mark got robbed with Sabrina Bryan last time.

Their stepping starts on ABC March 17.

Oh, dear. If only Kenny Mayne in sparkly eye shadow were half as amusing as the sad little sportscaster thinks he is. If only "Dance War" were one-tenth as enjoyable as those screaming-Meemies in the audience pretend it is. If only network television weren't circling the drain in the commode at this very moment.

But I digress.

Just minutes ago, ABC announced the cast of this spring's "Dancing With the Stars" during Monday night's two-hour finale of "Dance War." (Please, please, make it go away now. Forever. "Solid Gold" reruns would be better.)

The newbies hitting the "DWTS" floor as of March 17:

Deaf actress Marlee Matlin ("The West Wing," photo at right) – How much do we love this choice? Martin Sheen next!

Elvis ex Priscilla Presley (late of "Dallas") – Take THAT, Heather Mills! (Or should we be saying that about Marlee? Never mind.)

Penn Jillette, crabby magician/debunker – I know who I'm cheering for right now. Tom Bergeron, watch your back.

Adam Carolla, ex-"The Man Show"/radio big-mouth – I am so, so sorry, Julianne Hough.

Kristi Yamaguchi, Olympic skating star – And what happens if hubby Bret Hedican's Carolina Hurricanes make the NHL playoffs just as "DWTS" hits its climax? What then?!

NFL hottie Jason Taylor – The Miami Dolphins defensive end has great abs. (Evidence in photo at right.) I think "DWTS" drooler Lisa Rinna mentioned this six or 12 times in announcing his casting. Imagine the costume possibilities. (Take THAT, Kenny Mayne!)

Tennis (ex-)star Monica Seles – Well, she did play herself on that episode of "The Nanny."

Marissa Jaret Winokur, Broadway's "Hairspray" – She survived costarring opposite Pamela Anderson on "Stacked." Anything is possible.

Steve Guttenberg, "Three Men and a Baby" – Once he's back on the radar, beware "Police Academy 17." Or "Meet the Santas 7."

R&B; singer Mario – Let America love him.

Shannon Elizabeth – Bye, bye, Miss American Pie.

Christian De La Fuente – Chilean-born telenovela heartthrob. Who?

Mark your calendars — although you’re probably gonna know everything way ahead of time, thanks to all those Internet leakers out there.

But if you’re oblivious to such leakage, ABC is gonna announce the cast of the next edition of “Dancing with the Stars” on Feb. 18 (between 8 and 10 p.m.) during the finale of “Dance War.”

They'll do it in an ESPN-inspired "Dance Center" format, hosted by Kenny Mayne, Jerry Rice and Lisa Rinna.This is the first time the cast of “DWTS” will be announced in primetime, for those who keep track of such things.

Already the rumor mill is pumping out names of possible contestants. Last week, my blogging colleague and "DWTS" maven Verne Gay deftly parried the H. Rodham Clinton rumors — although having her hubby go on the show might be a really neat way of getting him off the campaign trail. As the photo shows, Bill can look mighty dapper on the dance floor.

(“DWTS” returns March 17. Yep, it would be great to see ex-POTUS doing a nice clog dance for St Patrick’s Day, no?)

Yes, this story was way to good to be true - another joyously ridiculous example of our over-entertained age - but now the question is: What this just another one of those web hoaxes (that are too good to be true?)

I'm speaking of that Hillary Clinton invite to "Dancing with the Stars" that made the rounds everywhere yesterday. The genesis of it was a little difficult to track - TMZ claims it had the story first, though TVGuide.com lays authorship off on "ET."

What am I talking about? Simply this - and I quote fully from the TVGuide.com story:

"ET reports that [Dancing with the Stars] invited the presidential hopeful to appear on the tour after she expressed an interest in the show during an interview with Tyra Banks. (Clinton said that if she had to choose between appearing on America's Next Top Model or Dancing, she'd go with the latter.)"

That's it; yuk yuk. We were all left to ponder Hillary doing the Mambo with Derek Hough or maybe Jonathan Roberts. And also wonder: Why would "DWTS" send her a letter to join the tour when they know full well that she'd have no intention of joining? Ever.

Yuk yuk.

But what if this was all one of those dumb stunts, cooked up to fool the press (and maybe embarass a candidate too)?

TMZ claims it got a copy of a letter/invite from the show, and has posted it on its site. (It takes a little while to download; be patient.) But something like this, of course, would be very easy to fake.

I tried to get a comment from ABC, and they sent me to "DWTS'" uber-PR agency, Solters.

Here was their one-line response, received last night: "We weren't able to confirm the letter's authenticity."

I'll leave it to you to figure out the meaning of this. It seems obvious to me.

As it turns out, "Dancing with the Stars" WAS a good career move for my favorite hoofer, Marie Osmond. The big news (so far) out of that boozy programfest known as NATPE - on-going as we speak - is that Ms. O will host a talk show in the fall of 2009.

Her personal guarantee: No dancing. No fainting.

Just kidding. Marie's unpredictable; she could end up doing both. In any event, Marie held a press conference a little white ago, saying that the production company backing this new baby (Program Partners) is "giving me the freedom to do some things that I feel strongly about, and the timing is right for a show like this."

Why is "the timing right for a show like this?" I have no idea - I wasn't there to ask her. But Marie's done a few other talkers, including something she did with Donny back in the late '90s.

Helio in the winner's circle - again.

I woke up this morning and went on a long run.

Actually, a run to the bathroom, which took me about five seconds. But in that span of time, many thoughts occurred to me about "Dancing with the Stars," and as I passed the mirror, it gave me an opportunity to continue that conversation I had with Myself yesterday. Here's an edited transcript:

ME: My God, what an awful show last night. Tacky, cheesy, gross. All those plugs for "Dance War." I think I counted fifty-nine. And the noise - Tom Bergeron shouted the whole bloody two hours. My ears still hurt. And imagine, Helio - the Mad Brazilian - winning. There's no justice in "Dancing" land, just voters who haven't got a clue.

MYSELF: Heh heh heh...well [head nodding], as a president once said, there you go again. An "awful" show? It was awe-inspiring! All that fog, and glitter. It felt like I was at the Blue Martini in Bally's Atlantic City.

ME: To each his own.

MYSELF: And what do you know about "DWTS?" You were the guy who predicted Sabrina would win. You were the guy who said a woman would win this time. You were the guy who said MARIE would win! I'm afraid there is what might be called a 'credibility gap' with your coverage of this fine program.

ME: Credibility gap!! Can I help it that the people who voted are idiots! I'm not the one who got Marie into the final rounds. Someone out there was voting for her. And if you or anyone else out there thinks Helio is a better dancer that Mel B., then there's no hope for any of you. And you've gotta be kidding about the Blue Martini, right? When were we even there...?

Dancing with the Stars photos

ME: Cynic.

MYSELF: Good. Left you speechless for a change. Now, I think I'll go and watch a repeat of this wonderful show on ABC.com. I wonder if writers will get paid residuals when I do that....

So it all comes down to this utterly ridiculously and improbable line: Marie Osmond is in the finals of "Dancing with the Stars."

My sources on the show tell me...who am I kidding? I have no sources on "Dancing with the Stars." Sourcing is immaterial. This whole show, at least this whole fifth edition, is so utterly counterintuitive that any opinion is pretty much valid (or irrelevant). Me? I discuss the show with Myself. Here's the conversation Me and Myself held this morning.

ME: Man, that Marie Osmond sure performed one of the strangest freestyle dances in the history of freestyle dancing last night.

MYSELF: Yes, pal! That's the genius of Marie Osmond. She's so bad she's good.

ME: What the hell are you talking about?

MYSELF: Let me explain, then. That part where Jonathan dumped her at the end like a sack of leaden potatoes, and where she almost trips over his leg and ends up on her head? Brilliant. You see, it just reinforced the rag doll motif. Oh, that Marie, she knows what she's doing.

ME: You have lost it. I guess watching this show week after week, and wondering how Marie Osmond is in the finals while Sabrina Bryan got slammed out weeks ago can do that to someone. You have my pity.

MYSELF: Whatever - I get the last word AND the last laugh because millions of people have already voted for her and she'll win this whole thing tonight. Why? Because the people who watch this show apparently love her, and because she's an American - the other two obviously ain't - and because they can relate to her. It's all about popularity, and maybe misguided nationalism (as nationalism can often be). Not talent.

And so it goes. Here's my wrap:

Scary: If there was justice in the topsy-turvy land of "DWTS," Mel B. would be the winner, hands-down - no ifs, no ands, no buts. But there is no justice, and frankly, last night was only OK. On the entertainment front, the first dance was kinda boring - proficient but boring. Then, the freestyle: The lifts, like that half-pivot-over-the-head-half-nelson-thingamajigee, were pretty amazing. But Len had it right - it didn't really flow.

Marie: Ya know, I actually liked her samba.Thought it was reasonably OK (for Marie), but best of all, actually a pretty lively and entertaining version. After that drab text-book performance by Scary, it even looked better. So Marie lucks out here. Then the rag doll: The judges despised it with a justifiable fury, and Bruno had his best line of the whole season ("it's Baby Jane and Bride of Chucky.."). But again, it was entertaining - bizarrely entertaining. I can see her fans out there rationalizing their vote for her on the basis of that alone. (Her fans have had to do a lot of rationalizing this season already, so why not a little more rationalizing?)

Meanwhile, I'm still sticking by this fearless prediction: Marie Osmond is the next winner of "DWTS."

Helio: Finally, Helio. My favorite male dancer of the season. Great to see you still here, Mario. That smile. That pizazz. The competitive streak a mile and a quarter wide. The guy's terrific. But he's not going to win tonight. First of all, his jive was pretty bad - even Me and Myself could tell his footwork was way off. And while the judges loved his freestyle, my mind kinda wandered during the routine.
I was thinking of Bette Davis, and grinning homicidal blood-spattered dolls, and "Bride of Chucky," which starred - per my faulty recollection - Katherine Heigl, who sure doesn't brag about that role these days, and...

This is the great thing about Tarot cards: They tell you who will win "Dancing with the Stars." And thanks to AOL, which just sent me this highly important piece of news, the next winner of "DWTS" will be...Marie Osmond. (Note: I've already predicted this - twice now, I think - which given my iffy track record in these matters, may well mean that she won't win.) Here's the prediction from Jeff Jawer of Tarot.com, who gave AOL his pre-game-show wrap: "The winner may well turn out to be Marie Osmond, whose fainting spell on air has been this season's most dramatic moment. None of the stars have ideal astrological transits on the 27th, but the planets are extremely kind to Marie on Monday the 26th, which should carry her over the threshold."

Makes perfect sense to me. Now Jeff, about this writers' strike...

I'm beginning to think Marie Osmond will win this whole thing. The way she keeps avoiding the hook. The way fans keep voting for her. She's a magician - not a dancer. Really, it would all make sense: Americans end up voting for the AMERICAN and not the Mad Brazilian or Mel B. "Scary." They've got accents. Marie doesn't. This could happen. It very well may.

Of course you know by now that Jennie Garth is gone. That was not unexpected, even if she did have her best night of this edition on Monday. And now, it's looking better and better for Marie O.

Everyone will be talking about Scary going into tonight's big vote-off, but let's talk briefly here about Jennie G. She had a terrific night last night - maybe her best in all these weeks, and what a surprise if she gets the ol' bump. It could happen, given what she's up again - aforementioned Mel B., Marie "I Should be Running for President" Osmond and Helio, the Mad Brazilian.

But of everyone, I kinda think she’s the one who best exemplifies the spirit of this show - that sort of can-do attitude and willingness to learn/experiment/take risks as you go along. It's paid off, but that said...

Anyway, my quick wrap:

Marie O: Clever girl. Very clever. Once again, in her opener, she worked her older fans with that routine danced to "Good Morning" from "Singin' in The Rain." But this time, I think she outsmarted herself: When you dance to one of the great musical numbers in MGM history, you've gotta realize that a few million viewers have the scene with Debbie Reynolds/Donald O'Connor/Gene Kelly permanently etched in their memories. As a result, Marie O and Jonathan looked slow, tired, lead-footed by comparison. I found her second routine interminable, but the judges loved it; she could still be in this race.

Scary: A couple of perfect tens pretty much buys a trip to the final, and Mel B. certainly deserves one and has since the first night of the season (as did Sabs, but that's another story.) Both her routines were great - entertaining, a little weird, forbidding, dazzling. A whip! What as that?! Four splits in a row! What was that?! Pure in-your-face-top-THAT-Marie-and-Jennie zeal and chutzpah. The winner. Almost.

Jennie: I've said my piece here, but let's say she does get tossed tonight - and that could happen. This is as good an opportunity to say something nice about her partner Derek Hough: That guy was just stunning. Jennie would never have gotten this far without him, and I think - watching them week after week - that he complemented her perfectly; he was near perfect Fred Astairian form, with a good actor's sense of timing and drama. What was that line about Astaire and Rogers? She gave him sex; he gave her class? Derek gave Jennie floor smarts, and she made him look even smarter in return.

Helio: He was so good last night and so pumped that I can't POSSIBLY imagine a vote-off tonight. His ballroom dance was perfect, best I could tell, and the cha-cha - that red thing that ended the show - was fine too. I imagine we have two women and a man going into next week.

A couple weeks from the finals and Mel B. and Maksim have clearly and unequivocally cut to the front of the dance line. What does that mean? Really, nothing much because voters do what voters do, and already there's been one travesty this season (Sabs.) But by bringing up the shank end of last night's show - and an excellent end at that - I think these guys are safe. Plus, they almost scored a third perfect ten.

Here's my run-down:

Jennie: Oh boy. Ohhh boy. Not a good night, and I really don't know why. She started off with that foxtrot, which was a blur of elbows and knees, plus that He-Tarzan-Me-Jane sequined outfit didn't help. The second dance, the waltz, again didn't work for me, either, even though it did theoretically play to her number one (and two) strengths - poise and elegance. I fear she's vulnerable tonight.

Cam: Oh boy. Ohhh boy. Not a good night as well. This one's not so much a mystery because Cam, who's been the single biggest surprise in this comp, was straight-jacketed by the waltz; Len described the second outing as "paint by numbers." Good line. Wished I'd thought of it.

Marie: She continues to fascinate me, this Marie. "Dad taught me the show must go on...this is for my dad. It truly is for my dad..." Amazing! Your father dies just days ago and you still pull out show biz cliches that are so old that even the hair has fallen off of them. And then Donny in the audience with tears: My God, they're a team and he's not even on the dance floor. Despite two incredibly ho-hum outings, though, Marie is safer than Fort Knox. No one's gonna dump her after THAT performance. Really, she's a master performer: It's not about the dance but about the camera, and she knows exactly how to play to it.

Helio: A split decision. The first dance, the paso doble, hardly stirred anyone from their seats, while the second - the quick step, or Bruno's "blazing banana" - helped somewhat. But it was still a strange ending - a whole new dance routine called the "Kiss and Dump," in which one partner is kissed and quite literally dumped. Julianne almost bounced off the dance floor, poor thing.

Scary: As mentioned, the front runner and a good night. That is, IF voters judge merely by what's on the dance floor alone. At this stage, what's off the floor is almost equally important and I wonder about the wisdom of bringing in her boorish husband (at least boorish for this segment) for the pre-dance segment. Nevertheless, she had an excellent cap, and that's what the voters (hopefully) will remember.

Offering a helping hand. (Courtesy: GMA.)

On the off chance you missed last night's "Dancing with the Stars," we offer once again our weekly public service "DWTS" news flash: In this instance, the news is not good for Jane Seymour. Yes, she was voted off last night and judging from the absolute silence of the audience - no gasps, no shrieks, no one yelling out "this cannot BE!! - I have to assume that the ejection was expected. But not by me. Like Marie O, she's been a shrewd judge of this show and its audience minions, and seems to understand that celebrity always trumps talent. Anyway, here's to Jane: Over the last two months, she's displayed some surprising athleticism (and poise.) Sure, in comparison to Sabs she performed in slow-mo, but then, who didn't?

Courtesy: Lifetime

In case you haven't heard, Marie Osmond's father, George, died early this morning. He was 90. Here's the AP account, "George Osmond, father of the famous singing family The Osmond Brothers, has died.Osmond passed away Tuesday morning in Utah. He was 90-years-old.A cause of death was not immediately available.The death was first reported by 'Entertainment Tonight's' Web site and was confirmed by The Associated Press through a spokeswoman for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, of which Osmond was a member.Donny Osmond was in the ET studio getting ready to tape a segment for a show when he learned of his father's death. Marie Osmond performed Monday night on 'Dancing With the Stars.'"

Suffice it to say, she'll be off tonight's results show; Jane Seymour's mother died Oct. 1. She was 92. I'll leave it to tacky culture vultures (like AOL) to talk about some "curse."

With Sabs gone, "Dancing with the Stars" is no longer about the best dancer but about the best politician: Who can con the audience into making it THINK they are the best, or at least the most desirable or deserving. Also, who can pull those many millions off their duffs to the phone to vote for them.

What a strange show.

And another observation about the now-Sabrina-Bryan-less "DWTS:" It feels very very old, even with Scary still around. In demographic terms, "DWTS" was always the polar opposite of "American Idol" (broadbased audience that nonetheless aged slightly last season). It really appeals to the 55-plus crowd, which pretty much explains why I now realize that anyone under 35 - or at least any WOMAN under 35 for some inexplicable reason - stands little to no chance of winning this thing. I guess all this means is that Jane Seymour is the front-runner now, while Scary B (32) is a goner, no matter how good she is.

Last night's two-fer show was strange too. The first half was blearingly dull; the second half (Latin dance) was better but still, "DWTS" is feeling creaky to me now. Sabs...Albert...Floyd. The young, no matter how good they are, are being penalized simply because older viewers won't vote for them, and young viewers really don't watch this show.

My wrap:

Helio: The first dance was clipped, the second much better. But I think Helio's had much better weeks than this one. In my book, only a middling night.

Marie: What a tough, calculating, show biz pro this woman is! Shrewd as they come, too. No wonder Marie Osmond's kept herself in the spotlight for so many years; she's got a spine of steel, even if she's got the dancing talent of....ME! That "Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy" number - you're not fooling anyone, Marie. Pulling the heartstrings of your geriatric fans. And planting that big one on Len! Oh, you're good, girl. You're good.

Scary: The first outing was merely OK, and Carrie Ann got it exactly right when she observed that it was slightly out of sync, explaining why this thing seemed clunky even when it was forcefully elegant. The second dance was the salvation - perfect tens. But don't be complacent, Mel. You don't want fans to think you're the frontrunner, or they won't vote for you. (The Sabs principle.) I now fear they won't vote for you anyway.

Jane: Another tough, cagey show biz veteran., Jane knows exactly what she's doing and saying. She's a master. (You don't stay in the TV game all these years by being shy and demure.) I thought her dances were dull - but, in the taste category, far superior to the Turkish belly romp she attempted last week.

Jennie: The judges hated both dances; I thought both were wonderful. But what do I know?

Cam: I'm Cam's biggest fan. He's terrific. The guy can do no wrong, and his last outing of the night was absolutely - far and away - the most enjoyable two minutes of the entire night.
Which is another way of saying: Cam, you better start getting worried...

Yes, by now you surely know the big news and if you don't, then here it goes...sit down...take a deep breath...drink the coffee...let the dog out...back at the terminal? Okay, here it is:

Sabrina Bryan was voted off "DWTS" last night.

What can I say that Bruno didn't already? ("Vooote, peeeeple. You muz voote...") That's certainly part of it, but there's more. Cam - one of the most improved of the hoofers - was in the bottom two. That didn't make any sense either.

So what can I say? I feel cheetah'd - that's what. Sabs is just another Melinda Doolittle - someone so far and away better than anyone else that viewers just ASSUME that she'll power her way on to the finals by sheer force of ability. Why text-message in a vote or pick up the phone? No reason! She's so good that you don't NEED to vote for her. "DWTS" tried to nullify the (what I call) "Doolittle Effect" by apportioning judge votes with viewer ones; that way if a team scores a perfect thirty (as Scary did the other night), then the chances of getting the boot are minimized.

But still...if no one at home votes, then what's the point of even a perfect thirty? Yes, Sabs was done in because she WAS so good - so far and away better than any other clod-hopper here that viewers figured they didn't need to bother.

Nevertheless, this looks bad for "DWTS," or rather makes the show look bad. Imagine: Marie Osmond advances while Sabrina Bryan is dumped? Who's kidding who here? It's not a talent contest; it's barely even a popularity one (yes, Jane Seymour and Marie have better name recognition, but they're not exactly major A-list celebs either.) It's about a flawed system that's entirely dependent on the flawed voting habits of a few million people. That's it. Hence, Sabs goes.

Plus, I have yet another theory: Sabs was simply too good and viewers - mostly older - were turned off by her. They'd much rather see Marie faint and stumble, or Jane in some silly tutu; to watch Sabs was to remind us each of our own considerable lack of ability. She wasn't - as political consultants might say - "relatable."

Plus, one more little theory: She was also hurt by getting the post position on Monday. It (the foxtrot) was one of her weaker performances, and by the time voters got around to punching the buttons, they'd entirely forgotten about it.

That's it. No more over-baked theories. There are other more important things to think about (let me re-phrase that: There are IMPORTANT things to think about.)

But Sabs is gone. Sigh. Happy Halloween.

Welcome to the Most Important Show on Television! Or the MIST, when the writers' strike is called early Thursday morning. (Okay, IF it's called.) In a lackluster - or actually pretty abysmal - season so far, "DWTS" is king or queen, in part because the show's not prey to that new phenom known as "live plus 7," when a show's overall rating is actually accrued over a week's time. Most viewers, I imagine, check out "DWTS" in real time, or "live," which makes it a genuine water-cooler show. With a looming writers strike, that should only add to its, ummm, watercoolerishness.

Last night? Mostly blah. (That will NOT add to its watercoolerishness.) The first three contestants underwhelmed, though Scary overwhelmed. Let's get to our wrap:

Sabs: Clever the way they - she - got in all those plugs for the Cheetah Girls movie; was this a commercial or pre-dance routine. I couldn't be sure. Sabs, as always, was good, but I think the judges (at least Len and Bruno) nailed it: This foxtrot seemed like a lot of hard angles, with abrupt moves and grooves. She's far better than anyone else, but tonight was a passion-free zone.

Jennie: Her mambo was tacky; all those frills and all that booty-shaking. Come on! She's become one of the best dancers in the comp, or at least one of the gutsier ones. She's better than THIS silly display.

Jane: If Jennie was tacky, this was beyond tacky. I can't even think of a word - OK, tawdry, way beneath Jane. And that outfit! (Not the one pictured here, of course, which is actually quite nice, I think.) Calling Britney.

Cam: I may be the only one in the country, the world, who thought Cam really nailed last night's samba; the music was perfect, and his dancing excellent. He goes up in my estimation every week.

Scary: Queen o' the night. A really first-rate performance (the rhumba.) Nothing about it that missed, in my humble - and admittedly ignorant - opinion. But what the heck? Who else knows anything about sambas or mambos or bambas or whatever. Most of us are lead-foot ignoramuses; all we can do is judge the overall aesthetic quality of a dance routine (or: If we like it, it's good). Scary was best of the night.

Marie: Fright night for Marie. This is her last night. This should be her last night. She's gone. Those times she flopped on the floor? I actually thought she passed out again, or as Carrie Ann so delicately put it, "I was a little uncomfortable seeing you down again..."

Helio: Yup, 'Neves back. A very good cha cha cha cha cha...

We already know about the "Faint, but what about the rest of the night? My down-and-dirty summation: Jennie and Scary had their best "DWTS" outings so far. Everyone one else - blah, except for Sabs, who couldn't blow this comp if she wanted to.

Now, to the scores:

Marie: Lumpy, tired, bland, sodden. But Marie faints and gets the sympathy vote. Now, call the doctor...

Jane: This comes under the heading "GBD" - good but dull. She rhumbaed. I snoozed.

Mark: Hey! I liked Billionaire Guy tonight. "Dream of Jeannie" was a risk, so were the eyeglasses, and the gimmick probably stole a few million glances away from the fact that the dance wasn't all that accomplished, but at least it was diverting.

Sabrina: Another winner. She takes a slow song, and makes it energetic and visually interesting.

Jennie: The best of the night, to this point. She just had it all, or mostly all - grace, style, athleticism. She's one of my favorite dancers - all heart, and you really get the sense that she's working hard to win this thing.

Helio: A bummer of a performance. And from Helio! The guy was board-stiff and his rhumba rivaled Jane's for dullest. Though an off-night, one hopes voters don't penalize the comp's best male hoofer.

Scary B.: She and partner Maksim have a snippy little moment in the prologue...plus, she's gotta cold...and he's wearing a protective mask (whaaa??!!)...and, of course, you realize, the more dismal the picture painted by producers, the better the dance. They - the producers - did not disappoint: This was by far the night's best. No way Scary lands in the bottom two tonight.

Cam: Oh Lord, back to his brickish ways. It was a very bad night for Cam, and he seemed to know it would be lousy - why else open the shirt? Keeps his fans' eyes (whoever they are) off his leaden feet. Too bad - he had a great week last week. But he should be fine.

Wonder what they're saying backstage at "Dancing with the Stars" this morning? Is our medical screening stringent enough? Is it stringent at all? What happens if something really serious were to happen? And, of course, you don't need to be a cardiologist to know that when someone falls into a dead faint - as Marie Osmond did last night - after stringent exercise, then it could (emphasize could) be symptomatic of something serious. No one - at least not at this point - knows how Osmond was revived, or whether she was carried off-stage, or whether
medical personnel even attended to her, but after the bizarre scary moment (when she collapsed right before a stunned Len Goodman who was about to presumably explain why her samba stunk), "DWTS" went to a commercial and when the show came back, Tom Bergeron explained, "I want to quote her exactly - the first words out of her mouth were, 'oh crap...once in a while that happens to me...'" She joked about it. Bergeron joked about it. And because the show must go on, the show went on...But someone had better call the MD.

We've got the wrap on last night's "Dancing with the Stars" right here, right now, so read on:

Mark Cuban: Sorry Billionaire Guy - the field has left you far far behind. He did a (zzzz) rendition of the Viennese Waltz that (zzzzzz) would have even put Vienna to sleep. Competent but dull. Who knows how the voting will turn out, but Cuban's headed for the exits after last night, if there's any justice on "DWTS" (and if the people of Vienna are allowed to vote.)

Sabrina Bryan: Bad luck...no, terrible luck...no, worst "DWTS" luck imaginable for Cuban to be followed by Sabs. This was her best dance of the competition, even though you can say that every week. Watch Cuban, then watch her, and the thought occurs: Is this whole thing cooked? She's so obviously better than everyone else that one might imagine this is all a big set-up for the third "Cheetah Girls" Disney Channel movie next year. Oh, but that would be so cynical. TV people never think that way...

Jane Seymour: Actually, nice turn on the floor for Jane, but the best part was that little tiff with Carrie Ann who argued that they broke some sort of arcane Viennese Waltz rule (after awakening from the Billionaire Guy performance, the city of Vienna is now in an uproar!!) She still got nice scores, and she's still very much safe.

Floyd Mayweather: Holy toledo (Spain!): What the hell was THAT!? I don't know, but man, it was weird. But "good" weird. Or maybe just "weird" weird. I can't make up my mind. He did the paso doble, by the way. The judges didn't love it, but what a shame if Boxing Man doesn't come back next week for more weirdness.

Scary: Mel B. was terrific again - Vienna cheered! (And then fell asleep again.)

Cam Mathison: Spendido Camerino...I thought this guy was a cinder block a couple weeks ago, but what did I know. His paso doble was the best (guy) paso doble of the night. He's the perfect example of the amateur who gets better week to week. Cam moves on!

Jennie Garth: Another good one (and all these good paso dobles were starting to make Boxing Man's bizarro paso doble romp just a little stranger as the night went on...) Jenn's really something. I think she's quite the competitor, with heart. On she must go.

Helio: Well, anyone who reads this weekly wrap knows what I think of 'Neves; he's the best guy - non-pro, natch - on the floor. He's pure charisma, and a good hoofer too. Nice waltzing last night.

Marie Osmond: I did it again! A technology glitch! (Or was it a mental one?) And so, I missed Marie's paso. Forgive me, dear girl. Forgive me.

By the third week of "Dancing with the Stars," the mustard starts to get separated from the mayo, the meat from the ribs, the wheat from the chaff...All of which means in plain old non-cliched English: Solid trends have emerged.

And this season, those are...Sabrina's by far the best dancer; Helio's the best male; and the women, or one of them anyway, are clearly primed to take the big award home.

But the devil's in the details - in this case, the voting - and there's clearly no accounting for the taste of the American public. Oh sure, Jane Seymour gets a huge sympathy vote, but will Wayne Newton get a huge sympathy vote for entirely different reasons? Cameron Mathison remains flat of foot but someone out there is voting, so will he be safe for another week? Let's get to the quickie analysis, but first an apology - I missed Marie Osmond's performance (technical problems of my own making) so I have to pass on her. Feel free to enlighten me.

Sabrina Bryan: Come on! Who's kidding whom? Only a broken heel (and check out those heels) will topple her. A seeezmic event, said Bruno, and I have to agree. It WAS seezmic. I can't imagine how it looks from the studio audience vantage-point, but the TV screen (she jived) was a blur of limbs and torsos; Sabs is, in fact, good TV, and really the only dancer who provides such week after week.

Cameron Mathison: Said he'd "blow the judges away" this week, but no can do, Cam. His tango - a ridiculous dance anyway - was boring, boring, and more boring (and his placement after Sabs really hurt.) Still, the generous judges gave him nice marks, which may provide a protective cocoon tomorrow.

Mark Cuban: Maybe Billionaire Guy is starting to feel the pain of that replaced hip - any normal human would, after all - and he seemed to lose the infectious enthusiasm that he usually brings to this affair. He looked almost dainty out there, as he tiptoed his way through the jive, and – though I'm not certain about this - I don't think you're supposed to tiptoe the jive. He's suddenly vulnerable.

Jennie Garth: Man, what is it with the tango that brings out the hammiest, hokiest acting chops in people? With all those exaggerated head swings and leg pumps, it was almost like a comedy routine. But get past the laughs - unintentional though they may be - and this was Garth's best night so far.

Mel B Brown: Again, the jive, and partner Maksim was superlative, which made Scary look a lot less than superlative for much of this routine. But they ended with this funky arm-twisting routine that brought it all home. So another good night for Scary.

Wayne Newton: Vegas Man claimed he had a "breaththrough" with the tango, but a breakthrough to where? The comedy circuit? What an unbelievably silly night, with that fake pony tail and 'stache, and those starchy twists and turns. This was more "Saturday Night Live" than "DWTS." Cheryl Burke, meanwhile, was not smiling.

Floyd Mayweather: No, ummm, knock out performance last night. His footwork seemed off, almost like he put lead weights in his shoes, and he seemed at half-speed compared to his pro. And for whatever reason, he seemed preoccupied, as though his head was someplace else. (Maybe that big impending fight - his day job, after all?)

Jane Seymour: Well, of course, the judges loved it. What are they going to say? Jane's mom dies...she goes to England to the funeral...and STILL has the professionalism, pride and presence of mind to keep working on her dance routine? They all gave her nines, and the only way to explain that, in a word, is "sympathy." I thought the routine - again, the tango - was over baked.

Helio Castroneves: 'Neves twisted his ankle beforehand, so no one expected miracles, and no one got any. Nevertheless, I thought he was very good; he's the most entertaining of all the dancers, and fun to look at even when he's off. The judges hammered him, but I say 'Neves has - or deserves – the best chance of any guy to get through to the final lap.

Well, I guess I'm out of the "DWTS" prediction department: Albert Reed is out!

This is stunner - a stunner because the kid is (and was) good, with plenty of style, humor, poise, and evident talent. I called for Wayne Newton's head, but I guess the 50 million who've seen his Vegas show since well before slot machines were invented worked the phones and overcame a truly punitive judge vote.

Wayne lives! For another week anyway. Maybe many more weeks. Maybe he'll win! Another Cheryl Burke miracle. But Reed? One can only blame, well, SOMEONE - let's say the viewers. He shoulda stayed in.

Mr. Indy 500 slays again.

Let’s lay out "DWTS"- Week Two - in just two words: Sabs and 'Neves.

That's it. If you missed last night's show, that's all you need to know: Sabs and 'Neves.

Oh sure, yes, of course - little surprises here and there. Jane Seymour, for example. She was better than week 1, and so was Floyd Mayweather, though both were better for different reasons. But so far, Sabs and 'Neves are your clear front-runners.

Here's my recap from last night, and for my fearless prediction of the next disappearing act, effective tonight, scroll to the bottom...

Mel Brown:

Wow. We're talking Major Personal Transformation here - so much so that I didn't even recognize Scary until the dance was over; but the quick step just isn't her, no matter what MPT she's going for. It was a totally forgettable performance and washed out her terrific start. Still, she's safe.

Mark Cuban:

Billionaire Guy comes to compete, but tonight was a bad one. Was it just me or were he and his partner, Kym Johnson. totally out of sync? She was stunningly good, and as a result, he was rendered merely average. I see the judges pounded him with sixes, so he's vulnerable.

Wayne Newton:

Oh, man, the silliest dance of the night. "Viva Las Vegas?" He just thumped and bumped across the dance floor and at the end, he dumped poor Cheryl (Burke) like a sack of potatoes. Plus, those airkisses! Gak!

Marie Osmond :

Another surprise outing, and a marked improvement over week one, which was pretty darned good. Marie's looking great, and easily bested Scary, which is the biggest surprise of all.

Albert Reed:

Ho hum. Yeah, Al seemed to sense this dance (the quick step) would straightjacket his style and it did. Competent and bland - but easily better than the other male dancers to this point.

Helio Castroneves:

This was far far (and far) away the best male performance of the night. Of anybody. At all. Period. No argument. Fast, fluid, stylish, fun - don't I sound like Len? - if this was the only dance (the mambo) you caught, you didn't need to see anything else (except of course Sabs.)

Jennie Garth:

Another quick step, and a serviceable performance marred by a rare bobble, and I think it was her pro (Derek Hough) who actually made the mistake. She looked bummed, but I think she's OK for now.

Cameron Mathison:

Cam turned in a good one, and was another example of week to week improvement. He survives...

Floyd Mayweather:

There's something vaguely ridiculous about watching Floyd Mayweather do the quick step. But get past that and it was another good outing for Boxing Guy.

Jane Seymour:

Check it out (as Randy might say). Jane Seymour comes here, one of the ...ummm....more elder members of the field, and does a number with lots of athleticism and style. Jane (as Randy might also say) is hot.

Sabrina Bryan:

We know your game, "DWTS." In the intro, you show Sabs stumbling around and then in the live performance...well, let's just say she doesn't stumble. She's one of the most accomplished and talented dancers in this show's five seasons. She remains front runner and likely winner.

And kiss goodbye...Wayne. The judges sealed his fate with the low scores (which, when expressed as a percentage of all the scores, will be even more pathetic.) He'll need a massive viewer turnout to overcome the judge liability and he won't get it.

Early Exit.

You're just getting to your "DWTS" news this morning, after having missed last night's big show because you knew that I would tell you who got booted off last night, and your hunch was correct: I AM going to tell you. Right now.

Our first victim is Josie Maran. Yes, faithful reader. I did predict this yesterday, as you are well aware, and you are also well aware, it was mostly blind guesswork on my part. But I did have a little hunch: After all, her first dance was weak, and her heart never seemed to be in this thing, as she confessed to TV Guide that the whole point of subjecting herself to this experience was to promote some forthcoming cosmetic line. While everyone here has something to promote (usually, but not always), they often have the good sense not to tell TV Guide about it.

But in the end, it was about the dance, and the dance was not good.

Meanwhile, I fearlessly stick with my prediction: Sabs Bryan will win this whole thing, or I'll eat my keyboard.

Boy can dance.

After last night, I'm still standing by my peerless prediction that a woman - most likely Sabs - will take home the fifth season of "Dancing with the Stars."

But - paradox of paradoxes - I also think a woman will be first to get voted off tonight. No clue who that'll be (but if I was Josie Maran, I'd be a little bit worried.) There are reasons for this hunch (perhaps frivolous and ill-informed, but that's never stopped me before and it won't stop me now...)

Those reasons? Well, all in all, the guys were good; there was no disaster, or as we say in the "DWTS" lingo, there was no Tucker Carlson moment. Also, "DWTS" producers did a shrewd job of matching pros with wouldbe dancers, and somehow that worked out pretty well too. So here's my line and I'm sticking with it: The guys stay through till next week.

Now, the quickie reviews:

Cameron Mathison: I think, per my recollection, that Cam did the foxtrot, which is a fogyish dance, but given the guy's rudimentary dancing skills, a smart one to start with. He was graceful, a little stiff, and a tad dull. But he may have bought himself another week. (The judges also gave him generous sevens, which likely means a return trip too.)

Floyd Mayweather: He stars in one of the rare controversial intros! When he tells his pro, Karina Smirnoff, that he wants - uhh, DEMANDS - easier steps, she tells him to take a hike, and storms off! Great theater, and great move by Karina cuz it puts FM in his place, and entertains the masses at the same time. Then the dance: I'm going with the Len Goodman line of "great potential." Incredible athlete with an incredible sense of the ring, errr, dance floor, he zipped and darted, chopped and zinged. Very good, and I may revise my earlier opinion that his impending December fight could be too distracting. He could go places here...

Helio Castroneves: The Latin Charisma King! Again, the fogyish fox trot but it looked great here. It's not one of those dances to get wowed by, but it was easily the best performance of the night to this point. 'Neves slays and stays!

Albert Reed: The major upset of the night. Man, the kid's got talent, or something - how about a really good, tough partner in Anna Trebunskaya? He did this jokey, swivel-hipped Elvis-palooza that filled up the whole dancefloor; kid's also got a sense of humor, and that'll work in his favor too.

Mark Cuban: Billionaire Guy was expected to be a flop, but he wasn't bad at all (except for that funky suit; figure with that much dough he could at least afford something that doesn’t have patches on it, even if the song WAS "King of the Road.") Under normal circumstances, he'd be the front-runner to go tonight, but with a hip replacement and solid performance, he could definitely draw the pity vote. I think Cuban stays till next week. (And check out my colleague, Diane Werts', insightful take below...)

Wayne Newton: Ya know, at some point, viewers vote for the pro, and I find it absolutely inconceivable that Cheryl Burke, a big "DWTS" star in her own right, will get the boot the first week out. She's amazing, and why would fans want to deprive themselves of HER even if they have to watch HIM. Him? Perfectly serviceable, danke shoen.

Cheryl MUST stay.

Now here’s why it pays to go to so many press tour parties in search of the late-night insights you can glean with TV’s movers and shakers.

Mark Cuban was already my pick for the surprise of this season’s “Dancing With the Stars.” I’d seen the Dallas billionaire basketball-team owner (and HDNet operator) at a rockin’ “evening event” at the summer 2004 tour when he was promoting his short-lived ABC reality series “The Benefactor.” He and limelight-reluctant business partner/best bud Todd Wagner chatted up critics early, then hit the dance floor and stayed late. Like, till after the band went home and network staffers kicked out the post-midnight stragglers.

Granted, it was free-form rock dancing -- the only kind most critics can handle. (Whoa! Those ’70s disco steps!) But Cuban clearly felt at home, let loose and enjoyed himself. Among dozens of strangers. Who might well write about whatever moves he made.

He doesn’t care what we think. He cares what he enjoys doing. And he clearly enjoys “Dancing With the Stars,” bouncing back from a summer hip replacement with relish, commitment and competitive fire in last night’s first ballroom round.

So maybe he does care what we think. “We” being viewer voters who determine who stays and who goes. Notice how he turned on the charm last night -- not that dot-com maverick Cuban isn’t always the most genuine, down to earth and accessible billionaire you’re likely to meet. The 49-year-old boyishly goofed around in those backstage shots and gushed on stage about making his “little daughter” happy by doing well. Awww. Hear those phone votes ring. (Follow Cuban’s reactions on his popular “blog maverick.”)

Also, of course, Cuban was mean good on the dance floor with sassy Aussie partner Kym Johnson (previously saddled with Jerry Springer). He came off hard-working, surprisingly light on his feet, and gosh-darn exuberant. It was no mistake ABC’s “Dancing” producers saved his witty “King of the Road” turn for next-to-last.

Somebody had to balance out Wayne Newton.

The first “Dancing With the Stars” results show airs on ABC tonight at 9. Previous episodes stream online here.

[Above: ABC photo by Carol Kaelson.]

Looking good, Mel B.

Night One, and it's already over! Or almost over!

"Dancing with the Stars" is pretty much down to just two dancers, already. Forget the guys tonight, because according my statistical analysis - which I've already run by several Phd's at MIT and Stanford - has determined that this season's winner will be a woman.

It'll be either Scary or Sabrina (though I'm still going with Sabrina.) Don't believe all that judge hooey about "anyone can win!" or "watch our dancers improve week by week!" or "anything can happen!"

Yeah, anything can happen - either Scary or Sab will win.

"DWTS" is, at the end, all about strength, athleticism, stamina and youth. Sure, addled or soft-brained viewers can keep stiffs like Jerry Springer in the show week after week. But at the end, the judges know the real deal. In fact, I'm convinced ABC has oldsters like Jane Seymour on the show simply to appeal to key audience demo for this show - oldsters.

Keep in mind, I've been wrong with my predictions before. Imagine! For instance, I said Melinda Doolittle would win "Am Idol." My only mistake was use of the word "would." "Should"would have been the indisputably correct one.

Let's do our own quickie reviews from last night:

Jennie Garth: The great surprise of the night - she was pretty good - a little clunky here, a little sod-footed there - but she is now a dark horse. Her teacher was obviously excellent (Derek) but so was she.

Josie Maran: Only passably OK, and in fact, surprisingly dull, considering the outfit she had on. Someone has to tell her - you just can't show up and look fabulous. You have to dance too.

Sabrina Bryan: As predicted, she's the one to beat. Just amazing physical strength. ABC set her routine up almost like it was some final scene from "Napoleon Dynamite" - you expect her to come out and stumble around, and instead she kills.

Marie O.: What a show woman! All playing to the judges, with those big smiles, and winks. Oh Marie, you're good, you're VERY good. And a pretty good dancer too. But you've got a long way to go, baby, if you're going to get to the finals. But based on last night, it's not beyond the realm of possibility.

Scary Spice: Wow, maybe my favorite of the night. Again, strength and poise, plus some genuine charisma.

Jane Seymour: Of course, everyone loves dear Jane. But I think I nodded off during this routine.

Too bad she's so unattractive. And footwork needs, ummm, work.

Photos from 'Dancing With the Stars' Season 5