The TV Zone

Oh, man: You have got to watch "Oprah" today for what may be the most boring interview segment in the history of television. David Blaine -- Brooklyn's own -- holds his breath for 17 minutes and 4 seconds, and apparently is unable to field questions from O during the process.

Seriously, what happens in this show besides a guy turning blue and O sitting there examining the couch that Tom Cruise may ruin (again) in a couple weeks?

Here's AP's wrap, edited down:

David Blaine set a new world record Wednesday for breath-holding, 17 minutes and 4 seconds.
The feat was broadcast live during “The Oprah Winfrey Show” and the studio audience cheered as divers pulled the 35-year-old magician from a water-filled sphere.
Blaine looked relaxed afterward and said the record was “a lifelong dream.”
The previous record was 16 minutes and 32 seconds, set Feb. 10 by Switzerland’s Peter Colat, according to Guinness World Records.

I just caught up with Robert David Hall - a wonderful veteran TV actor, lovely guy, and of course Dr. Al Robbins on "CSI" - by phone a few minutes ago. He's gonna be in town to present a major award at the U.N. next Tuesday. (More on that in a second.)

And of course, I turned the conversation immediately to Gary Dourdan, Hall's (obviously) troubled colleague who was arrested outside Palm Springs early yesterday in possession of various illegal substances.

In any event, the news: Hall tells me Dourdan was actually on set yesterday (long after his arrest, of course)

"I actually worked with him yesterday, and everybody was moving on. It's real hard to get work done when your're so close to the end of the season [show wraps this week then takes a week off before getting to the ninth season]."

I asked him what the talk of the set re: Dourdan is: "Almost to a person, I'd say ninety-nine percent of the cast and crew are very hopeful that Gary will be OK, and we love him deeply."

So...why's Dourdan leaving (at the end of May, when "CSI" introduces a pair of new-comers)?

"He wants to do other things," says Hall. "That's the speculation...You and I and the majority of other people would say, why would anyone leave a hit show [Hall just signed for three more seasons] but everybody's different. I can't comment on why Gary and CBS are parting company, but I was told he has dreams of [doing other things - maybe movies?] He's a generous, soulful guy. I read the same stuff you do. I just know him as the guy who gave me a big hug yesterday. The cast and crew want the best for Gary."

Ah yes, that award: It's the Franklin Delano Roosevelt International Disability Award; Hall's presenting it next week to the country of New Zealand, along with a $50,000 grant that'll be used to benefit disabled Kiwis.

... stays!
Cristian de la Fuente,the soap-laden Chilean soap star with hips, personality, dramatic (soapy) flair and a busted arm -- plus one of the front-runners till said arm decided otherwise -- will stick with the show.

A surprise? Heck, yeah. He popped his elbow so loudly Monday you could almost hear it.

(BTW, I'm surprised and amused to see some of the wire stories this morning reporting in their leads that Shannon Elizabeth got booted -- as if that's even news! Well, ya just never know.)

TMZ and "Extra" were so certain he was gone yesterday they (basically) led their Web sites with the news. My theory? Someone snookered 'em to boost ratings. (Hell hath no fury like a snookered TMZ, so watch out "DWTS.")

Anyway, here's my breathless wrap in today's paper; sorry if you've already read this:

In an edition that was masterfully padded if not paced, "DWTS" -- and de la Fuente -- declined to reveal his decision until a couple of minutes before 10. Oh, they were tricky, those "DWTS" producers: It seemed as if he'd go. Then stay. Then go. "It'd be a tragedy down the boulevard of broken dreams if he can't continue," said a faux-mournful and indefatigably maudlin, Len Goodman, in the purplest of purple phrases of the night.

But Cristian was not to be outdone. With minutes to go -- and with the judges yet to reveal who the final two would be (Cristian and Cheryl Burke were in the bottom four) he explained that an MRI had revealed that his tendon was ruptured and surgery was required. But "I just talked to my doctor five minutes ago, and said, if he can delay the surgery and if people voted for us, I'd like to be there and not give up."

Seconds later, he and Burke won a reprieve, and will return next week. How will he dance? My half-baked theory: With one arm! Brilliant. I think he's a righty (the one that got hurt, I believe) so he just leads with his left. Plus -- no lifts, Cristian.

I think our boy can pull this off.

You know me: I always like to bolster my blog posts with facts, or at least with facts that support my outlandish assertions. (Those inconvenient facts that don't support them? I just ignore 'em.)
In any event, yesterday I talked about how "Hannah Montana" is collapsing rapidly, and that Miley & Brain Trust are trying to segue away from this fading enterprise. Which, by the way, is one of the reasons she's trying to morph into a mini adult, by posing seminude for a photographer who specializes in arty seminudes.

A source -- no names; he/she would be thrown out a window -- has given me exclusive research that determines in fact that the Disney Channel enterprise is sliding south.

Quickly: Ratings for the all of the show's daily airings among kids, ages 2 to 11 slid 6 percent from the first quarter to the fourth quarter of 2007, while said ratings plummeted 16 percent from the first quarter of '08 to the second quarter of this year. I repeat: Sixteen percent. For the money demographic, 'tweens from 9 to 14, the decline was sharper: 19 percent over that period.

There's more, and the story is not as bad but still not good: For kiddies ages 6 to 11 for the key 7 p.m. airing, "Hannah" got a 5.6 rating in the first quarter, or the same as this year. But, back to that money demo, 'tweens, ages 9 to 14: It went from a 4.9 to a 4.6 rating for the 7 p.m. show.

So why the overall declines? I'm guessing two factors. The first, Disney has overplayed and overexposed the show, thus diluting the ratings. The second: Original Miley episodes are few and far between these days (she's too busy touring) and those rare ones that do show up are heavily promoted. (That one with Brooke Shields returning as her mother in May? You'd think it was a Major Event "Super Bowl" special.)

Bottom line: Show's in decline and Miley needs to figure out her second act, TV-wise (or elsewhere.)

Miley Cyrus photos

Yes -- gulp -- Cristian's gone, or that's the word from none other than the esteemed TMZ, which actually gets stuff like this right (on occasion). Here's the TMZ report, reduced to haiku: "... suffered a really gnarly injury ... surgery is now a real option ... see a specialist this morning."

A blow to the show, if true (boo-hoo)? Sure. The guy's got personality and hips. Plus, Cheryl Burke is my favorite pro, so that'd be a blow to ME. And while we can all agree Kristi "The Terminator" Yamaguchi could samba circles around Cris (in her sleep), there's no way a woman's ever gonna win this show again.

I can't recall an instance when a competitor actually pulled out because of an injury, although Vinny "Big Pussy" Pastore pulled out before the whole thing got under way; that was somewhat different: He was too fat.

Meanwhile, serious and maybe tragic news: Gary Dourdan, again per TMZ -- which definitely didn't get this wrong -- was busted last night in Palm Springs, Calif., for possession of heroin and an assortment of other pharmaceuticals. As you know, he's already announced plans to leave "CSI" -- though for reasons unknown. TMZ doesn't have much more, but the picture of Dourdan is certainly harrowing.

So you've heard the "big" news (and probably saw it too) by now: Cristian de la Fuente, who may well be the David Archuleta of this edition (or the Brooke White -- your call), hurt his arm last night, and by the looks of things, pretty severely. He had to stop either almost all the way through, or at the very end -- it's hard to determine -- and got badly penalized as a result. The judges all gave him and partner Cheryl Burke 7's, which could land them in the bottom three tonight.

(Fair? I'm not sure, but then what else are the judges supposed to do? The show must go on...)

So now the question: How did viewers respond. One can reasonably surmise he got a huge voter turnout and is safe for next week. But will his arm heal in time? And if so, will it happen again? And what caused the injury?

Here's the clip (and thanks to Dance4fun22 for posting):

Ninny alert!

And...ahem...I'm the ninny.

I wrote a review/recap of tonight's "Law & Order: SVU" starring Robin Williams -- and just to restate, said it was silly, overheated and about as plausible as me hitching a ride on a spaceship to Mars (or something along those lines.)

I was and am, by the way, absolutely correct in my assessment.

However, I also said, who would ever believe a story about someone calling a fast-food restaurant manager and then telling him to strip-search an employee -- and that the manager would then comply!?!? Robin Willliams stars as this wack-job who does just such a thing and is finally nabbed by that intrepid duo, Olivia Benson and Elliott Stabler. But Williams' Merritt Rook wins his case in court, and then...

I'm getting ahead of myself.

The fact of the matter: It did happen. There was such a case, and "SVU," per its wont, based tonight's episode (at least the strip search part) on it. (Thanks to intrepid readers, Dan Timmerman of Huntington and Mike Petrucelli of South Bend, Ind., for telling me.)

The fast-food case -- with some differences, but basically the general idea is the same -- was covered widely by some of the big TV mags, and here's a quick link to "20/20" to get you up to speed.

Sorry, "SVU."

I don't know about you, but the idea of Rainn Wilson and Michael Eisner in the same room, or even the same building, is one of those ideas that just don't quite jell -- too weird, too scary. And in some respects, isn't there just a little bit of Dwight Schrute in the former king of the Mouse House?

But there it is anyway: Tonight, on the same network, CNBC at 9. Eisner interviews Rainn. I didn't get the whole transcript, but what I got appears to demonstrate that both got along fine. Rainn talked about his old pet-sitting days (which he's spoken of in other interviews). Here's the outtake:

He and his then-girlfriend (now wife) "put flyers all over the city and we got a couple of dogs -- here and there, to walk. And it's -- it's terrible. I mean, it's -- a really cutthroat business. (LAUGH) You know, it's, like, you never think about it but it's, like, all these people have these ins and know supers to leave their cards under the doors. So it's, like, the cutthroat world of dog walkers in Manhattan. And -- we just couldn't ever get -- we wanted to be the people with, like, 11 dogs on the leashes. But we'd only have like two. And then they'd pay us, like, $7
to walk their dog at lunch."

It's true! It's true! It's - be still my heart - true!

Britney's coming back to "How I Met Your Mother."

CBS just sent out the presser and we can share the details immediately.The episode will air May 12, and 'ol Brit was in the studio today to shoot the thing.

"We're all so thrilled to have Britney joining us once again. And just to head it off at the pass this time around: Yes, Mom, Britney's very nice and no, I can't get her autograph for you," said Craig Thomas, executive producer and co-creator of the show.

Does Craig's mom live on Long Island? If so, we can get this message to her immediately.

Meanwhile, here are more details: "When Barney and Abby realize that they have one thing in common - their mutual hatred of Ted - the 'couple' decides to go to the bar to flaunt their new relationship in Ted's face. Desperate to get a rise out of his former pal, Barney pops a surprising question to Abby."

Barney's Neil Patrick Harris, and Abby's Brit - the kinda ditzy smitten receptionist - but I didn't realize Abby hated Ted (Josh Radnor.) Just the opposite. And irony alert: Harris was the one who said Brit shouldn't come back on the show cuz she's not a real actress, etc. He later relented.

I'm always fascinated in "Big Brother" -- if only by trying to imagine the pillow talk between Julie Chen and Les Moonves ("...do you REALLY think Jame's hair color is nice...What about the tattoos?"

But the ninth season of a reality skein that makes "The Apprentice" look like Shakespeare got just the slightest jolt of controversy when one of the contestants called people with autism "retards." And wouldn't you just know? The anti-autism guy won last night.

Adam Jasinski didn't just win big -- he won BIG, with (I think) only one jury vote going to Ryan, who said nothing mean about people with autism (but will check the clips just to make sure.) Adam's "'Till Death Do You Part" housemate Sheila told him to shut his trap after he said (in a mid-February episode) that he'd spend his winnings on a hair salon "so retards can get it together and get their hair done." He had worked briefly in Florida for an autism charity, and so a prominent national charity (Autism United) promptly demanded that he be canned posthaste.

Instead, Adam goes on to win half a million clams! He said last night he'll donate $100,000 of that to an autism charity; no word on the hair salon.

Tommy James, leader of Tommy James and the Shondells, turns 61 tomorrow.

Here's a rare video of the band performing "Hanky Panky," their No. 1 hit from 1966. And by the way, one of my goals in life has been to determine how many times Tommy says "My baby does the hanky panky" during the song. Forty two years later, I still haven't got around to doing so, any help would be appreciated.

Well, I guess you could say the Miley Cyrus brain trust can breath a little easier now: They passed the first, most important and (possibly) the only-one-that-counts test -- "The Today Show." The program thought the whole "topless" thing so underheated that it played the story at the top of its second half hour, and it played it coolly at that, as if this whole flap will blow over by noon. (As it very well may.) Maybe NBC figured there's more important news to get to -- like "Where in the World is Matt Lauer" -- but Miley Unclothed was clearly not deemed a big deal. The two commentators who got up early to chew this over -- Donnie Deutsch and CBS commentator (former actress) Nancy Giles -- pretty much ho-hummed it too. Deutsch actually hit on the same thing that went through my mind -- this whole shoot is part of this "evolving image" strategy, and that Cyrus is re-focusing her image so that she morphs into something (or someone) slightly different, or the career is bye-bye. My sense is slightly different: That she's already moved past her 'tween demographic and is trying to target a bigger, or broader one. It's all about business -- it always is -- and anyone who doesn't think an Annie Leibovitz session can dramatically alter one's image to the point where it's very nearly beyond recognition is either willfully stupid or willfully lying. She's the most important photographer in the world -- this is what she DOES -- and the Cyrus brain trust knew exactly what they were doing, too -- they just forgot to tell Disney.

Another thing to keep in mind: I've often had the sneaking suspicion, though have no scientific proof to back this up, that those most eager to disrobe themselves for Leibovitz are those most eager (or desperate) to restart stalled careers. Not that Cyrus' is (it's not -- nor, I guess, was John Lennon's, when he posed in the pink a few dozen years ago) but Demi's was.

Keep in mind, "Hannah Montana" is not "superhot," as Meredith Vieira said at outset of the "Today" treatment. It's cooled off dramatically the past year -- not the appointment it once was, and that grand and reasonably accurate kids' bellwether, the Kids' Choice Award, recently deemed it less important than reruns of "Drake & Josh." Miley knows the bloom's off that rose and now she's tending another garden. She might first wanna speed-dial Britney to learn just how hard -- and precarious -- that can be.

After having, oh, 11 or so hours to sleep and think on it, I suppose I should be offering you some deep well-rubbed thoughts about the return of "Grey's Anatomy" - at least thoughts that should be at least as deep and well-rubbed as yours.

But the basic problem, I found, is that absence did not make the heart grow fonder. I think I hoped it would - that there would be some new-found poignancy in the sisterly ties of Meredith and Lexie, or that Derek and Rose would offer a new and intriguing wrinkle, or the bad taste of that misbegotten match of Izzie and George would be long gone, or that Cristina's profoundly comical neediness would be even more profoundly comical.

But no, absence did not make the heart grow fonder. Last night arrived with a tremendous load of backstory, though none of it particularly meaningful. We are all now required to care anew - and I don't know about you, but caring anew is gonna be hard work.

Again, after 11 (now nearly 12) hours, I think I've come to this conclusion: The magic's gone. It was a perfectly OK episode, but perfectly OK is hardly good enough - two months' absence should have offered something much much better. But the "Grey's" formula remains ironclad - that Meredith's inability to stitch her need for love with her need for career holds up a mirror to us (or at least 20 million female viewers), and the on-again/off-again with McDreamy is its reigning - and wrenching - metaphor.

But we know they're destined for each other's arms again, just as we know they're destined to separate again, or until he's off the show entirely for the big screen career. (Depends, I suppose, on how "Made of Honor" does.) It's an old story now. Terribly old. And I just...don't...care.

Yeah, sure, some funny "Housian" moments - when Mere throws up her arms like she's just scored one after diagnosing the guy's tumor. But of course, ultimately NOT funny. Even the humor of "the contest" seemed listless.

Something was missing before. Something still is. For want of a better word, let's just call it "heart."

Turns out that Tom will NOT be jumping on Oprah's couch again - but she may be jumping on his. This just in (or last night, just in) from Harpo, and note the wording of this press release, with my emphasis added:

"On Friday, May 2, Oprah SITS down with Tom Cruise in an exclusive one-on-one interview from his home in Telluride, Colo., to talk about his family, his life and the FURNITURE. Then, on Monday, May 5, Tom joins Oprah at her studio in Chicago to celebrate his 25 years in films since his breakout role in "Risky Business." Plus, friends and colleagues surprise Cruise with special taped messages honoring his work in movies."

(Actually, I added the word "furniture" - they're actually gonna talk about his future - because I just couldn't help myself. )

Carly Smithson, deposed not even 24 hours ago, did a conference call with reporters a little while ago. She was very gracious, said the usual nice stuff ("we're all grateful for the experience...I'm not that sad to be leaving...I think anywhere after the top ten is just a bonus...now I get to be me without a theme night and make a cool record.")

But she did say one kinda interesting thing, and worth noting: "I started out on the show with some bad press [that punk at Newsday, Gay!] and it didn't help me very much, and early on, people accumulate their fan base."

She added, "women vote for the boys and the boys are adorable [this season]. I definitely feel the girls had more of a struggle this year to the popularity vote [because] the boys are definitely charming the females."

Obama - surprise! - has been avoiding "Fox News Sunday" like the very plague for what seems like forever. And in fact, he agreed to come on the show over two years ago, but...still a no-show. (He has been kinda busy, but there have been plenty of appearances elsewhere, including FNC) So the guys at FNC then had an idea: An on-air clock which ticked away the minutes since he first agreed to appear. At last count, it was 765 days, 13 hours, 54 min, 47 seconds.

Anyway, the clock is dead: Obama is finally gonna come on this Sunday's show, in what's billed as an "exclusive one on one" sit down with Chris Wallace.

Just after Oprah's finished paying for a new couch but who should come back on the show? Tom Cruise. MSNBC's Courtney Hazlett is reporting this as we speak, and it's big news to furniture lovers all over the planet.

MSNBC says there are "big plans" for the 25th anniversary of "Risky Business" this May so - sure - what's one more couch? Tom, as you'll recall, last appeared on June 23, 2005, when he started telling O how much he loved Katie, and just to prove it, decided to use her couch as a trampoline. O watched in horror as the stuffing started to come out, and then security was summoned. A week later, Cruise was fired by Viacom...

That's all an exaggeration - I tend to get carried away on the subject of O and Tom and couches - but I do think it noteworthy that Cruise hasn't been back on the show since the trampoline incident. O - you gotta understand - is a lady who likes her furniture.

Here's the classic clip - one of the great moments in TV (and upholstery) history:

Jimmy Fallon as Conan O'Brien's replacement? Absolutely, positively, no ifs, no ands, no buts? That's what Roger Friedman of FoxNews.com is reporting and no reason to doubt him - but I'm intrigued. Why did NBC (and Lorne Michaels) forgo that process they went through last time: A long audition process that turned away the likes of Jon Stewart but yielded instead a talented, lanky redhead who had never hosted a talk show and was gloriously rusty in his first few weeks on the air?

AKA, Conan (if you haven't guessed who that was.)

Maybe Lorne did do auditions and it never got reported. But...

If Fallon's the one then this means a couple obvious things: 1.) Conan is definitely heading to "Tonight" next year, and Jay is definitely heading elsewhere. 2.) Lorne is sticking to his old reliable play book, which reads (chapter one, verse one), "Much better to have a talented, versatile and creative performer in this job than a talk show host, which - after all - grows on trees."

Fallon's been off "SNL" a few years, working the comedy circuit, pursuing the silver screen, and - otherwise - staying out of the limelight. There's nothing wrong with that, but didn't he have a LOT more cache a couple years ago when he was an "SNL" star? Fallon's terrific - actually a not-bad singer either and a gifted impressionist - but also an acquired taste. If Roger is right, and Jimmy's the one, how will he get a national audience to acquire it? Don't forget though - Conan got hit with the same question, and earned (initially) even worse press than Katie Couric has. Look where he is now.

There's much Fallon to choose from on the Web, but this clip is good because it's a reasonably amusing parody of lonelygirl15, plus it's got "Car wash for Peace." Take it away...

You'd have to be a stone-hearted SOB - which, admittedly, I am - not to be just a little moved by that final scene last night with Syesha and Carly locked in this final death embrace, that as if to disengage would mean one would vanish into a puff of smoke.

And in fact one did.

Carly gone: Will I be the only one today saying what a complete "Idolian" outrage her early departure is? The only to say what a bunch of morons voters are? The only one to say that this whole damn thing is rigged? The only one to observe the obvious fact that once more a superior singer is gone while two lightweights (and why bring THEIR names into this) remain?

Carly - I can now reveal as if not at all obvious - was my personal favorite this season. Yes, we know she was a plant, and once worked with Randy, and was a former professional who put out a bad album (with dirty lyrics) and who had an advantage (unfair, perhaps) over others who hadn't worked the professional grind the way she had. Dr.Evil (Planet 19 superboss Simon Fuller) wanted her here too, if only to keep this competition respectable and interesting into the final rounds. No one ever expected her to win. I never expected her to win. With Archie in the pact, she probably didn't deserve to win.

But: She had guts, perseverance, and projected an undeniable sense that failure isn't the end but a roadblock to be surmounted. She had an outrageous flop in 2001 with her album, but kept on coming back when she could have done what a lesser person would have done - disappeared into a wallow of booze or something worse (if that's possible, and I suppose there is.) She kept on coming and coming, though best of all - she didn't have one lousy (REALLY lousy) performance all season. Not one.

Man, I'll miss her and that inked arm and gorgeous voice. Now we can all talk about Brooke and Jason.

One can rightfully wonder - and laugh - at celebrities who indignantly claim that the media and paparazzi are ruining their lives when they ponder this new deal Jennifer Lopez has with TLC: A reality series (yes, a reality series) starring her and new babies.

And to think People emptied a vault at Fort Knox for the baby pictures - TLC, no doubt, is going to get them AND pictures of a whole lot more for a whole lot less.

This was announced late yesterday (sorry for the delay - I was fixated on Carly...yes, I know...get a life) and it is big news indeed. Here's the direct quote from the TLC press release:

Now TLC will deliver a slice of her life that audiences have never seen before, as she takes on her career and launches a new fragrance while trying to juggle her new responsibilities as a first time mom.

"Jennifer is unbelievably passionate about life and will be an incredible role model for our audience," said TLC chief Angela Shapiro-Mathes. "I'm thrilled to be partnering with her on a series that will take our audience into a fascinating world. It's a fun, emotional journey that will be inspirational and yet very relatable to today's women."

"I am excited to be part of the TLC family,” said Lopez. “I’m looking forward to sharing this exciting journey together."

No date yet when this new arrival takes place.

I love this: CBS is boasting about an "unprecedented" crossover stunt for May, and I do believe this is "unprecedented" because it's so ridiculous. Here it is: Writers for "Two and a Half Men" will write an episode of "CSI" while writers for "CSI" will write an episode of "Two and a Half Men."

Will the result be a "dramedy" or a "coma?"

I'm not certain.

More details from the CBS presser: "A CSI investigating a murder at Charlie Harper's house? Grissom and the team investigating the mysterious death of a diva sitcom star? It's all part of a first-ever 'writers' crossover...

"The May 5 episode of [Men] is written by CSI writers Sarah Goldfinger and Evan Dunsky from a story by CSI executive producers Carol Mendelsohn and Naren Shankar. The May 8 episode of CSI was written by Chuck Lorre and Lee Aronsohn, executive producers/writers of [Men].

I'm getting confused here. Who...wha...why???

OH, TV, I just love it. What WILL they think of next?

(Above: Who murders whom in this May's "Two and a Half Men?")

I've got some reasonably big Larry King news here, friends, that could well affect the future of one Ms. Katie Couric, so listen up.

CNN has just re-upped the septuagenarian newsman to a new deal that will keep him at the network until 2011 - this, first reported on TVnewser.com late yesterday. "Twas expected and re-upping LK to one more contract is NOT "big" news.

But this is: King did not secure a guarantee to continue anchoring the 9 p.m. hour, which - I am reliably told - opens the door wide for Couric when she leaves CBS after the inauguration, as she almost certainly will.

There are a couple of things that seem to be going on with Katie that everyone save the man in the moon now knows about. First, she's miserable at CBS which she thinks has stiffed her on resources and turned "Evening News" into the same old-same old nightly network news show. She wants out, but is certainly in no hurry - recognizing, perhaps, that it's harder to score a meaningful gig if you're on the beach, and that (after all) CBS would have to eat $40 million-or-so of the remainder of her contract if it were to pull the trigger instead.

Here's the other thing: That she'd be happy to entertain an offer from CNN. Without giving Larry a lock on 9 p.m., CNN is finally laying the groundwork for a 9 p.m. succession plan and in fact, CNN appears to have the luxury to do so: Its first quarter ratings were the best in years, and the one-time whipping post of FNC is finally doing a little butt-kicking of its own. There's a simple reality factor at work here as well: King'll be 75 this November, and while we can all agree his tenure has been a remarkable one, nothing - and no one - lasts forever. Nor is anyone untouchable in this business - even Walter Cronkite, whose exit from the anchor chair was assured in 1981 when Dan Rather, then a superstar, forced the issue.

Does Katie have the same clout to move King aside? This speculation of Katie-for-Larry has swirled around for years (most recently re-cycled in the Times package of two weeks ago.) I remember chasing it during Katie's last two contract go-rounds at NBC, when she let it be known that she was bored and needed new challenges, including the possibility of a syndicated Oprah-like talk show launched under the aegis of NBC. She had the good sense to back away from that, but CNN beckoned, in part because of Katie BFF Wendy Walker Whitworth - "LK Live" exec producer and a real power broker at the network.

That's the background. When the Katie-out-at-CBS story broke a couple weeks ago, CNN - with remarkable haste - signed King to a new deal that will carry him through 2011. But Larry effectively was given the kingdom without getting the throne. Sure, he'll be at CNN - but at 9? The answer to that is the only one that matters.

Possible flies in the ointment of a Katie-for-Larry swap? Foremost, would she want the gig? Again, I'm reliably told, yes. Would CNN consider her "damaged" after the rough ride at CBS? I hardly think so while she could argue (maybe with some justification, maybe not) that she didn't get all the resources promised, etc.

Also, Lou Dobbs. Never count Lou Dobbs out - there's no cagier, shrewder, harder-hitting inside operator in the entire business than LD who probably has his eye on 9 too.

Anderson Cooper? Why unseat a sure bet at 10? That means you've got a problem at 10 that you've gotta fix. Plus, AC's turned into a solid anchor-reporter - why waste him on David Blaine or Paris Hilton?

I've got a call into King's agent at William Morris, John Ferriter - no return yet - and yes, I called CNN. Christa Robinson, the network's spokeschief, said this: "Larry King is the best there is. He will be here for a long time. We are refuting in essence what you are speculating."

But did you guarantee Larry 9?

"We do not discuss contracts."

[Meanwhile, an update! I see that Ferriter, in fact, responded to TVnewser's request for a comment on the iron-clad 9 p.m. lock question. Said he, "I can tell you that it is a two year extension of the exact same deal and job that Larry has been doing." As most of us semantic experts can plainly attest, that's neither a denial nor confirmation. It's a dodge. So, I'm waiting for a call-back, Mr. Ferriter. Waiting and waiting and...]

(Above: Who would you rather see on CNN weeknights at 9? A pretty lady in pink, or....?)

Cluck, cluck, cluck...cluck...cluck...

This morning you can hear the sound of a million hens clucking - how Brooke screwed up last night and how she stopped and started and how (oh yes) she's gone tonight for sure!

But I don't know - no clucking from this hen. I thought she was fine. The song? Snoresville. (After all, SHE didn't pick Andrew Lloyd Webber - I assume this was Dr. Evil's handiwork.) Some weeks I'm down on Brooke - one of my early faves - and some weeks I'm high on her. I'm high on her again after last night; Simon was right. She was brave to stop/re-start, and Paula was a silly scold. For chrissakes, what was she supposed to do, Paula? Stand there and SOB?! "I can't go on! I can't go on..."

She was fine. Safe tonight? Another story perhaps. Here's a good clip, and thanks fo Phillymac2563 for posting the whole thing:

Marlee Matlin gone from "Dancing with the Stars?" Surprised? Well, sure, in a way. Very much so. She and Fabian Sanchez did not put on a dancing clinic week after week, but they put on something a little better - a dancing miracle. I know this has been explained on the show endless times, and I imagine that to the hearing impaired this may come off as a slightly foolish or slightly ignorant observation - but how does one dance, or dance well, when one can not hear the music? Yet that's what Matlin did each week, and did it a hell of a lot better than I - possessed of two sound ears - could ever accomplish in my wildest or wooliest dreams.

Honestly, her's may have been one of those rare accomplishments on "Dancing with the Stars" that we'll actually remember - or at least marvel at when prompted to remember. (Heather Mills? I dunno - considering who she is, and what most people associate her with, I don't think memories of her stint on "DWTS" are especially fond.) "DWTS" - more often than not and more often this season than not - is typically a cheese factory, while who wins or who stays is of sweeping insignificance in the grand scheme of things (quick - who won last season?! Gotcha...)

But Matlin's too-brief stint here didn't feel like a gimmick on this gimmicky show; it felt like the real thing performed by someone who wanted to prove something and pretty much did. Credit goes to Sanchez, of course, and most credit to Matlin. Doesn't all this count for audience votes - even if the footwork and grace isn't always in place? I certainly thought so. Oh well - with Matlin gone, another reason to get less invested in "DWTS" this season.

Here's here mambo again; I couldn't find a Youtube of her country dance from Monday...

I'm back!

(Or, Gay said grimly to himself, I'm back.)

"What?" (Says you.) "You were gone? I didn't even notice."

Oh, you're a clever one. I appreciate the wit. In fact, this blog was handled in my absence by my able and hardworking editor and colleague, Andy Edelstein. I was on something called a "vacation." I highly recommend it.

I was down in North Carolina. You're not going to believe this, but they don't have TV down in North Carolina. For entertainment, they run through the woods, shooting at wild boars (or so I'm told.) "American Idol?" They think it's some sort of wild boar. Never heard of it. Flava Flav? They think that's some kinda sody pop. "Dancing with the Stars." They like to dance with the moonshine down in North Carolina, if ya know what I mean.

Actually, I'm kidding. They do have TV.

It's just that I forgot to watch it. I also highly recommend that on occasion. (TV Turnoff week BTW began yesterday.)

But we need to catch up, and since all of you depend solely on this blog for news about the TV industry and other assorted chicanery, let's just go through everything as quickly as possible.

Kristy Lee: Did you hear? Ha. Ha. Of course you heard. My God, she finally got voted off. The only thing that gobsmacked me about this was - what took so long? I'm pretty certain votefortheworst - those scamps - kept her in the hunt this long. She wasn't bad, this FOB (Friend of Britney), she just wasn't as good as the rest. Plus, Michael Johns gone before KL? Jeez.

ABC News debate: I hear that Charlie Gibson showed up dressed in a clown costume and George Stephanopoulos was in some sort of court jester get-up. Very odd. They asked the candidates about stuff like their pin lapels and what sort of cereal they eat, and this hugely important question: Pizza: thin crust or regular? The debate was roundly panned! Apparently viewers thought the two anchors had trivialized the whole process. Imagine.

Tony Snow joins CNN: This is good news cuz it means the guy has beaten his cancer AGAIN. He's an amazing guy and I'm happy for him. But some people will interpret this to mean that Fox News - where he worked all those years - got bushwhacked (so to speak) by its arch-rival. In fact, I kinda doubt that - FNC and Snow never got along. It was a truly poisonous relationship.

"Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles:" Re-newed! Yes, that's huge news. I thought this bubble had burst, but nooo. Fox just announced this, plus dropped the additional news (no biggie) that Brian Austin Green is gonna be a series regular too.

Prez Bush on "Deal or No Deal:" I missed this, getting in from the moonshine state a little too late. But yes, the thought occurred to me as well. If Howie Mandel decides to step aside for any reason, I think I've got a perfect replacement for him. Plus, this has never been done - although Bill Clinton once thought of doing a talk show.

Gary Dourdan Leaving "CSI:" Holy cow (again.) This is true. I don't fully understand why. He's smart enough not to ask for a raise - ya know what Billy Petersen does to people who ask for a raise on his show. I'm guessing it's the old standby reason: ratings decline, show-runners decide to shake up cast...

Above: Me on vacation! Actually, Brian Austin Green on vacation. Not for long - he's got a fulltime gig on "Sarah Connor."

Today marks the 61st anniversary of Jackie Robinson breaking baseball's color line.

Here's an extremely rare clip of the legendary Brooklyn Dodgers star reading the alphabet on a 1969 episode of "Sesame Street," just three years before his untimely death.

CBS announced its summer schedule today, filled with the usual mishmash of reality (more "Big Brother," something called "Greatest American Dog"), game shows as well as a couple of dramas.

The one program we're jazzed about is "Million Dollar Password," an update of the venerable game show. It'll premiere Sunday, June 1, and will be hosted by none other than the ubiquitous Regis Philbin, a 21st century heir to Allen Ludden, if ever there was one.

Like the old show, contestants will team up with big-name stars, including Rosie O'Donnell, Rachael Ray, Neil Patrick Harris, "High School Musical's" Monique Coleman and Betty White (Ludden's widow and a regular on the original show -- ups to you, CBS). The winner can take home $1 million clams.

The dramas include the much-delayed "Swingtown," about swingers in the '70s (we'll take that 1972 "All in the Family" episode with Rue McClanahan and Vincent Gardenia as swingers, thank you) and "Flashpoint," a Canadian-made cop drama.

Don Knotts may be best known for his role as Barney Fife on "The Andy Griffith Show," but he also carved out a movie career of sorts, in the mid-1960s, starring in several kooky, kid-friendly comedies. Two of them, "The Ghost and Mr. Chicken" and "The Reluctant Astronaut," air tonight on AMC at 8 and 10 p.m., respectively.

(As for me, I'm still waiting to again catch "The Incredible Mr. Limpet," in which Knotts dreams about becoming a fish (what the heck does that mean, Dr. Freud?) and then -- becomes one.

Anyway, here's the trailer from 1966's "Ghost and Mr. Chicken," in which Knotts plays a reporter who spends a night in a haunted house. The cast also includes Dick (Darrin, Too) Sargent and the world's grouchiest character actor, Charles Lane.

Oh what fun they're having at CBS News these days. And we in the TV press, likewise.

But enough fun. I now direct your attention over to TVNewser.com which has been running a very interesting poll. It asks readers to predict who will replace Katie, assuming she leaves as the blood-in-the-water-loving press would have you believe.

What's so interesting? People seem to think -- and by a wide margin -- that ANDERSON COOPER is the guy. Problem is, AC's locked into a long-term contract at CNN, which has allowed him to moonlight on "60 Minutes," although it might be stretching the definition of "moonlighting" if it allows him to anchor "Evening News" as well.

Interesting, smart poll. Check it out here.

Interesting reaction to the Michael Johns exit last night, and it never even occurred to me: Was Ryan Seacrest needlessly cruel to Mike?

Remember how it played out? Seacrest said (and I paraphrase) that both Syesha and Carly were saved from the figurative noose, but ...[insert here dramatic pause that seemed to last 10 minutes]... Michaels Johns will be leaving us tonight.

I got this comment from an outraged fan, and I quote in full below:

"PLEASE WRITE THE PRODUCERS AT AMERICAN IDOL AND COMPLAIN! They DO read the emails, and the fans HAVE made a difference before:
askfox@fox.com
Ryan@eonline.com
Ryan@kiisfm.com
"Ryan Seacrest is CRUEL! What he did last night to Michael Johns totally crossed the line. There is no excuse for his behavior and he owes Michael Johns a public apology. They also should bring back the Wildcard setup in this case. Let him come back one night to sing, and if he doesn't get the top scores the next time, he'll be permanently eliminated."

Good points, whoever you are. Why no wildcard? Why that strange ending? (And why is MJ no longer in the comp while a few others who shall remain nameless are?)

There are a couple shows on Nickelodeon that I'm a reasonably big fan of and - even though I'm sure the first thought that'll come into your mind is, "well Gay, don't you think you're a little old?" followed by "jeez, nothing better to watch?" - I honestly don't care.

I watch a lot of stuff. That's what I get paid to do. (Tough job, somebody's gotta do it, etc. etc.)

They're "iCarly" and "Drake & Josh;" humor is for kids, as are both shows, but they're very well made, and are are skillful reflections (though hardly copycats) of a vast body of classic TV shows, from "Cheers" to "Full House." I like 'em and kids LOVE 'em; "D&J;" won the Kids' Choice best show award (semi-big deal - seriously) even though it's been in an endless repeat cycle for the last year and a half. The show's LONG been out of production.

The guy that created both is Dan Schneider. Memphis-born Schneider is both a hugely talented and hugely eclectic dude - a Harvard drop-out, lover of muscle cars, onetime pizza delivery boy, part time actor, and now the most important person at the most important network in the world for kids. He's created some of the network's most important shows - virtually all of the ones that don't have "sponge" or "Bob" in their title - and now he's got its other biggest hit, "iCarly."

Anyway, we had a nice chat a couple of weeks ago, and I lay on you here what he had to say about "D&J;" - fresh in my mind after the Kids Choice:

"No," he says, there will NOT be a "D&J;" movie set in New York; "I've been seeing that on IMDB [Internet Movie Database, the industry credit bible]. I don't know what they're talking about. Someone tricked someone. But I will tell you, there is talk, from everything I know, at Nickelodeon for another movie. They wrapped the show a year and a half ago, and we never did a last episode - I never asked the reason, but you don't want to disappoint kids - and the show really ISN'T over because they keep re-running it. But the buzz at the network is that they wanted to talk to the boys [Drake Bell and Josh Peck] about getting together to shoot a TV movie, like ['D&J; Go To] Hollywood' but maybe something a little bigger." (Do we hear "theatrical" perhaps?)

"They're into the idea, Drake's into the idea," and probably Josh, and Miranda Cosgrove too.

So, what sort of movie? Christmas movie? That might be "one for TV; I realized that in the fifty episodes [produced from '04 to '07] we never ever touched on Christmas."

So Merry Christmas, fans - a little early.

You can't make this stuff up.

Today is International 'Louie Louie' Day. It's actually the birthday of the song's composer, Richard Berry, but lovers of the all-time great party song have decided to take that occasion and make a real party of it. Togas are optional.

And who are we to deny a party?

Anyway, here's a rare 1965 clip of The Kingsmen performing their No. 1 hit from two years earlier. And when you've figured out the words, drop me a comment and let me know. I've been trying to decipher them for more than half my life.

Thank heavens, "30 Rock" is back and just as good as ever. Here's what cracked me up last night:

1. Kenneth telling a freaked-out Liz: "Your eyes look like my uncle's after he'd drink from the air conditioner."

2. Nice plug for SoyJoy.

3. "Stay tuned for “Dog Swap!”

4. The “MILF Island” host’s elimination catchphrase: “Get off MILF Island,” followed by the banished mom throwing her bikini on the fire (breasts digitally covered, of course).

5. Jerry Seinfeld getting co-executive producer credit for “MILF Island.”

Come on, come on, come on, people. Get a grip!

GET A GRIP!

The exit of Michael Johns is not, repeat not, shocking.

Yet why has the morning buzz turned to a morning roar - that Johns exit was like some sort of amazing turn, totally unexpected, profoundly terrible, etc.? Michael Johns' exit has become, all of a sudden, this season's Next Big Flap, the First Big Flap being lap dancing pictures-or-whatever of David Hernandez.

I just saw Kelly Ripa do a Paula - Omygod omygod omygod (goes Kelly). He was a latter day JIM MORRISON.

What? Kelly, you were born like 30 years after Morrison died. How would you know what Jim Morrison was like.

I knew Jim Morrison. Michael Johns was no Jim Morrison.

Now, let's put this in proper proportion, shall we? It was a "surprise." Just a surprise. Nothing more. Nothing less.

I mean, come on. He wasn't going to win "American Idol." David Archuleta is going to win "American Idol." That is so certain, so writ in stone, so don't-even-bother-arguing-with-me (because I'll just plug my ears and go "neeener neeener neeener...not listening...not listening") that I've even written my lead for the story the night he wins. Here it is:

"David Archuleta won 'American Idol' last night."

Catchy, isn't it? You're right. I'll work on it.

But here's my point (and I do have one): Michael Johns was good, but not great. His last few outings have been blah. Aerosmith on Tuesday? Blah blah. Kristi Lee, who effectively LIVES in the bottom three, has actually gotten better - or better at getting more clever in song choice. Brooke - one of my early favorites - has gotten worse, to the point of awful. Yet she has so completely conned her fans with that sweet lil' ol' me act that they don't even hear her performances.

But Johns never seemed to work his fans, never worked the judges. He was a bit of a cypher, really, unreadable, inscrutable. The Great Sphinx of the seventh season.

Sometimes it's not just about the singing. Sometimes it's about selling yourself too. Johns never learned that little secret. That's why he's gone.

No shock. Just a surprise. And in hindsight, a small one.

Talked to someone late yesterday who's plugged into the CBS rumor mill, and one thought making the rounds is that Katie could be gone long before the various news reports have her gone. Conventional wisdom now stands that Katie stays through inauguration, and then leaves. But the crush of recent press may force the issue sooner, and the standout line in today's New York Times wrap is "in a few weeks."

A few weeks? At the outset of the May sweeps? Maybe even just in time for the Pennsylvania primary (April 22) which should be one of the biggest stories of the political season?

It's certainly possible, but maybe it's also worthwhile keeping a couple of thoughts in mind. If Katie's forced out, then CBS has to eat the balance of her contract, which is around $40 million. That's a far worse outcome than anyone at CBS wants to contemplate. In other words, this decision may pretty much be in Katie's hands - assuming CBS doesn't believe the recent press has caused so much damage to her and the franchise that it's WORTH $40 million to cut bait.

Another consideration: Who would replace her? It now seems pretty obvious that the network prevailed upon Bob Schieffer to postpone his retirement for just this reason. If Katie goes, the call will go out to Bob.

And another consideration still: How will he feel about that? Ever the trooper, he gracefully bowed out when Katie came aboard a couple years, yet I always believed that this was a reluctant exit. He'd never admit it, but Schieffer knew his stint was a success, knew he should have been in the chair years earlier, but out of deference to his friend, Dan Rather, never forced the issue. Schieffer had something to prove - that he had the chops and talent to be the heir to Cronkite - yet he never got the chance to fully prove it.

It was - if you will - an instance of anchor interrupted.

Now he'll be asked to save the franchise once again, knowing full well that he'll be shuffled aside as soon as they get the Next Anchor of "Evening News" (assuming they don't cancel the program outright.)

Schieffer, I imagine, has complicated feelings about this whole situation right about now.

Now that the jackals of the press - me! - have poor Katie Couric out the door, we are left with this inconvenient question: Who, ummm, will replace her?

I pondered that briefly this morning, while putting a few nails in the coffin of "Evening News," but here's one suggestion that occurred to me (or rather a friend more thoughtful on these matters:)

What about Ted?

I speak of Koppel, who disappeared into the bowels of the Discovery Channel two years ago and has been in the witness protection program ever since. (No, really, he's done a bunch of thoughtful documentaries, and remains pretty much in the game.)

What about Ted? Has anyone called him. Do they know what he's thinking? Is he on ANYONE'S radar at CBS? There are advantages (and disadvantages, perhaps) and I lay them out now:

1.) He's the right demographic. That's right - white male of advanced middle age. Rather elderly people watch these newscasts, and they sometimes prefer same in their anchors; sometimes, but not necessarily, with Brian Williams being the obvious exception.

2.) He's got that anchorly mien - the voice, the eyes, the head, the hair. It's a compleat anchor package, if you will, but not a compleat Ron Burgundy blow-dried anchor package.

3.) He's done it all. Ted is embued with almost exactly 30 years of big-league-anchor-experience; "Nightline" was birthed during the Iranian hostage crisis, and he didn't miss much of a stride over those thirty years (though he had plenty of experience, at State, and elsewhere at ABC News.)

4.) He could come cheap. No $15 million anchor man here! Pay his production company a million bucks a year, and all he has to do is read a telePrompter every night for a half hour (plus another half hour for the west coast feed.) I don't think Ted is greedy, honestly. (I don't think Katie is either, but ...)

Disadvantages:

1.) He's not off the CBS News farm. This is important: To be hugely successful at CBS News, one must have spent the vast bulk of one's career there; there are a couple of exceptions (sure, Mike Wallace worked for ABC back in the dark ages), but for the most part this holds true. CBS News has a unique culture - to a certain extent, it is bottled up and walled off; David Burke, a one-time news president and transplant from ABC, once told someone he couldn't understand the place - there were metaphoric walls everywhere that he didn't know how to get around. He didn't last any time at all. CBS News is not kind to outsiders - that's just the way it is - and Ted would be an outsider.

2.) Ted probably wouldn't want to do it. Yeah, he'd be flattered to get the call (he ALWAYS is), but at the end of the day, he's got a great life - plus, ego stroking gets old - and he doesn't need the camera like others who shall remain nameless. CBS has come after him before - he once told someone (I forget who) that he'd never work for Larry Tisch. Could he work for Sumner and Leslie?

Okay, that's all I've got for now. Four advantages versus two disadvantages - maybe someone at CBS SHOULD think of Ted...

Louise Lasser, best known as Woody Allen's real-life and on-screen romantic interest in "Bananas" and "Take the Money and Run," turns 69 today. (How can that be?)

The fine comic actress may be best known, though, for her starring role in the syndicated soap parody "Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman." We watched it avidly at 11 p.m. weeknights on Ch.5 back in the day when the Bicentennial and Peter Frampton dominated our dinner conversation.

Enjoy this clip, showing Mary at her ditziest.

So we've got another major newspaper story on the departure of Katie Couric after the inauguration - yesterday's appeared on WSJ.com (and today's editions of the Journal.) It repeats - almost uncannily in fact - the exact same story that appeared in the Philadelphia Inquirer last fall under the by-line of Gail Shister; it was Shister's swansong on the TV beat and included an unnamed source who predicted (confidentially) Katie's departure.

That story was combustible and carried - I'm fairly certain - the exact same denial as yesterday's WSJ - no changes are contemplated, and Katie's not leaving, etc.

In other words, both stories are true - absolutely true. Katie will be gone by next January.

But here's the question both stories studiously ignored, and it's the far more important question: What about the "Evening News?" What about TV's most storied newscast - the one once anchored by Walter Cronkite (and Dan Rather) and the one that once dominated the American news industry much as the New York Times does today.

What about "The CBS Evening News?"

My educated hunch - and it's only a hunch - is that while the network "sources" can confidentially predict the exit of another anchor (and what really is an anchor other than a newsreader? They're expendable) but they can't even consider the other possibility, as if the very mention of it would invite a bolt of lightning from the heavens: What if CBS cancels "The Evening News?"

I (and others) have called this the nuclear option, and many people have speculated about it for years - always inviting derision. But here, now, for your consideration is the cold, hard truth: The world of news no longer has a sacred cow. The cows have all been butchered and the hamburger is arriving at dinner tables as we speak. Nothing is writ, nothing is forever, nothing...gimme a minute and I'll think of another cliche. CBS could, in fact, cancel "The Evening News." It's a possibility and one I'm confident they've considered.

The real question about Katie isn't about whether she's going to leave - she is, get over it - but who will replace her. Another cold hard truth: There is no one in the wings. No one. No one at CBS. No one anywhere else. There are certainly intriguing possibilities out there. George Stephanopoulos? I think he'd be a viable candidate but don't you think ABC has him under lock and key? Diane Sawyer? That might work too - except that Diane, possessed of many many talents, does not possess the talent of anchoring. Bob Schieffer - one of the most gifted anchors in the world? He wanted to retire (sort of) but CBS didn't even have candidates to replace HIM on "Face the Nation," and now he's sticking around. Russ Mitchell? Excellent anchor and smart guy - too bad viewers don't even know who he is.

To show you how incredibly dry this well is, the former president of CBS News once stumped for John Roberts - Roberts! Who can't even draw viewers to CNN's morning program.

So, if there's no one to anchor "The Evening News" then can there be an "Evening News?"

You may say, "well, Gay, you're thinking like an old fool as usual - this is the new world of TV news! You don't need an old fashioned anchor monster. Put your money into field reporting - do a different broadcast. Counter-program!"

A great point (and I may indeed be an old fool), but...unfortunately, "The Evening News" is beholden to the conventions of the industry because it created those conventions. It is a creature of the '60s and '70s, when millions sat down to watch an evening news program anchored by one godlike and profoundly trusted figure. To dispel this convention means dispelling the economic underpinnings of the program; in other words, without the conventions (like a giant anchor-monster) it can't then pay for itself, and no longer has a reason, economically speaking, to exist. I think this may be called a catch-22.

One more point and then I'll let you go on with your day: for years, people said these evening news programs existed for political purposes, as sops to the FCC or congressmen eager for face time. That no longer holds water either; "we have '60 Minutes;' we have 'Face the Nation,' we have 'Sunday Morning...'" They have, in other words, other shows that also cover the news (and make money for the corporation in the process.)

There's a rumor at CBS that Sean McManus will leave his role as news chief to go back to sports full-time early next year too. The loss of Katie - AND "The Evening News" - very well may be his legacy.

That ol' scamp, Hugh Hefner, turns 82 today. And while we still read Playboy for the articles, we watch (ed) "Playboy After Dark" for that late '60s/early 70s groovefest's sheer awesome audaciousness.

Take, for instance, this episode on which a dapper Hef introduces (the, as he calls them) Iron Butterfly performing their psycho-acid signature hit, "In A Gadda Da Vida."We couldn't make this stuff up.

Dr. Evil (Simon Fuller of Planet 19 and the Big Boss of "Idol") had a plan. It was an ingeeenious plan, this plan, and seemed as infallible as any of the other ingeenious plans he had devised to take over the world. This season, "Idol" would stack the deck with pros - people who had cut records, and knew how to perform on stage, and who would help erase the stigma that this was a rank amateur competition. And then, one of them would win! This person would then sell millions of records for Sony/BMG, plus go on tour and actually draw people to venues - unlike last summer's abysmal tour headlined by beat-boxer boy Blake Whateverisnameis and Jordin Sparks.

"Idol" would rule the world again.

Then, last night.

Dr. Evil is not happy, and his top producers heard from him again. First, what was Mini-Me (Fox reality boss Mike Darnell) doing there, Evil wanted to know? "Mini-Me seemed profoundly inebriated; doesn't he know the rules? No member of Evil's entourage is to be seen drunk on-screen, ever."

Next, who thought up this business about inspirational songs?

The producers, Number 2 and Number 3, patiently explained - again - that "Idol Gives Back" is tonight, and they wanted to get viewers in the giving mood. "I don't care about FRICKING 'inspriration,'" he screamed. Numbers 2 and 3 glance at each other nervously.

"My pros stumbled around like Fat Bastard. David Cook? What was that about? And who gave him a pen to write on his hand? If either of you let him sing an Our Lady Peace song ever again, I will personally fire the fricking laser at your head. Michael Johns? Karaoke, baby. What's so inspirational about Aerosmith anyway? Carly perfectly demonstrated why she could only sell 378 records for MCA. Among my pro plants, only Kristi Lee and Archie did anything worth a damn, and we all know Kristi will probably land in the bottom two tomorrow night anyway...

"And those clever clever amateurs - Syesha channeling Fantasia, and Dreadlock Boy doing Israel Kamakawiwo'ole's "Over the Rainbow; that was smart - he knew that idiot Seacrest couldn't pronounce Izzy's last name so everyone thought Jason was doing something original. That rank amateur Brooke White? Another clever song choice. I hate her.

"This won't happen again," he tells Numbers 2 and 3. "This better not happen again..."

I liked Adam Carolla on this show, though apparently I was the only one who voted for him on Monday; people take this show so SERIOUSLY. Don't they want to have a little fun? What's the matter with a unicycle/dance routine?You've never seen it before. I'VE never seen it before. Why not? Unicycles and paso dobles go together, in some way - yet to be fully determined.

But no matter: One vote is not going to do it and Carolla and Juliane Hough are gone. (Almost) needless to say, this is a very bad thing. Carolla added those extra element so glaringly missing this season - the elements of surprise and humor (and fun.) He's not exactly a "dangerous" character, but he is unpredictable, and we so dearly hoped he would stick around to say something impolite again - something that would shock Len into silence, or force Bruno into a tirade, or make Carrie Ann stand up (and walk out). Now, we'll be saddled with politeness, and pleasantries, and predictability the rest of the way.

And oh yeah, Kristi Yamaguchi is still the best.

For those who want to see the paso doble on wheels one more time, here it is:

As you know, "ER" - NBC's great long-running series - will become its late great long-running series after next season. It's fifteen and done, and yet the 15th looks to be as tough as the first. Everyone seems to be leaving - and everyone who left doesn't seem to want to come back. No George Clooney. No Juliana Margulies. And soon, no Maura Tierney (Abby) after a few episodes next year, and no Goran Visnjic (Luka) either. Yeah, Noah Wyle will return for a handful next year - creater "ER" boss John Wells told reporters a little while ago - but I'm pretty certain he was contractually obligated to do so.

After that? The doors are wide open for anyone who wants to return. Said Wells, "we're beginning planning for the final season and as part of that, we'll be contacting pretty much everyone who wants to come back and do a little spin. We haven't set anybody at this point [but] I'll be asking people that want to come back and be part of the last season."

Good Lord, where to begin? Here's just a partial list from the first season: Clooney (forget Mr. Bigshot),Sherry Stringfield,Eriq La Salle,William H. Macy, Yvette Freeman, Deezer D, Anthony Edwards..and later, Gloria Reuben, Jorja Fox...and later, Paul McCrane. No, come to think of it, dear ol' Paul WON"T be coming back, will he? (What a shame, but malfunctioning helicopters will do that to you.) Howabout Ming-Na, or Michael Michele, and Erik Palladino, and...

Said Wells of Edwards, "I haven't talked to Tony in a while - he and his family went around the world with a tutor and I haven't talked to him since he got back...haven't thought about it. Around Memorial Day, the writing staff goes to Hawaii and sits around and figures out what we want to do for the next year and over the summer we'll start contacting people. Some may not come back under any circumstances, but they're gonna want to know what they're coming back for..."

(Above, George may not be good to go, but what about Tony or Eriq?)

"Secret Talents of the Stars," which premieres tonight at 10 on CBS, is the real deal: 100% Velveeta! The cheese includes George Takei singing country music, Danny Bonaduce riding a unicycle and Joe Frazier singing r&b.;

But we've been down this road before many times. Take, for instance, this amazing clip of Brooke Shields showing off her gymnastic ability from a 1983 version of "Circus of the Stars" and pass the Gorgonzola!

Rosie, Rosie - where have you been? Man, life's been dull without you, and then there you were - in that "wide-ranging" interview with Diane designed to sell your new book called (I think) "Crafty U" - and there'll be a book signing at the Border's on Old Country Road this Thursday at 7 p.m.

Anyway, she said a lot - it was one of those interviews where one obvious question (what have you been up to? or, still watch "The View?" Britney?) yields an endless stream of words on life, Liberals, kids, TV, the Ozone, Obama (and Hill), blogging - there's not enough time, and I don't have enough finger strength to relate it all. (I missed the first few minutes, and for all I know she challenged Babs to a mud-wrestling match - but doubt it.)

But one does wonder: is all this a prelude to something bigger, or maybe a return to TV, or to ABC - considering that "GMA" committed something like a quarter of this morning's entire edition to the lady. Oh yeah, she does watch "View" and yeah, has been in touch with Elisabeth: "She doesn't email me [that] often but she occasionally does; she's very young. When I was that young and I had a newborn baby your life is a little more black and white, but when you get to be 46..." Beer? Yes - stopped. "It was too many calories." Oh, the book - she wants you to buy it.

(Above, they don't make tv the way they used to...)

Maybe you're just catching up with this delicious and entirely unexpected war that has broken out between NBC and the Weinstein Company, but Weinstein has yanked "PR" off of Bravo and sold it to Lifetime.

Where it'll air next, assuming the Supreme Court doesn't get involved. (NY State Supreme is involved now...)

In any event, NBC has just fired back, announcing that it'll sue the Weinsteins over the move. Here's the statement:

"NBC Universal has continuing legal rights related to "Project Runway," including a right of first refusal to future cycles of the series, which The Weinstein Company unfortunately has refused to honor. NBC Universal regrettably had no alternative but to bring legal action to enforce its rights to this program, including the right to decide whether it is in the best interest of the company to continue to air the show under the proposed financial terms."

The whole ordeal is one of those internal wrangles hugely important to networks - particularly ones like Lifetime which desperately needs a hit, and ones like Bravo which is so dependent on this one - but viewers shouldn't necessarily care. The show returns to the air in July (on Bravo, maybe) and to Lifetime (in November, maybe) - that is, assuming NBC doesn't prevail in court. Variety's story had some interesting details on the flap, and here they are:

"In a stunning network hop, Lifetime announced Monday that The Weinstein Co. has signed a five-year deal with the femme-centric cabler to take over the show - cable’s top-rated reality skein - effective this November. sixth season will premiere on Lifetime in November.

"According to Lifetime prexy/CEO Andrea Wong, the two sides first started talking in January, and signed the deal on Feb. 7. As part of an overall programming agreement with the Weinstein Co., Lifetime will pick up a movie package from the company, and develop other projects (including, perhaps, a “Runway” spinoff)."

But...NBC clearly thinks Weinstein's abrogated terms of the deal, and lawyers are about to get even richer.

The Weinsteins' lawyer, David Boies, said the lawsuit was “without merit.” Here's a chunk of the press release:

"Responding to a lawsuit filed today against it in the New York Supreme Court The Weinstein Company noted, after declining to compete for the right to have “Project Runway,” NBC has sued to try to disrupt the series moving to Lifetime. “We believe that this lawsuit is without merit. While good for the market for lawyers, it is always unfortunate when parties try to win in court what they have lost in the marketplace,” said David Boies, counsel to The Weinstein Company."

(Boies is a storied guy - lawyer deeply involved in the Florida recount, plus - many years ago - successfully defended Mike Wallace over the CBS News doc., "The Uncounted Enemy.")

I just got off the phone with "DH" creative force and show-runner Marc Cherry - he's doing a round of press interviews with the, umm, press - to talk about this Sunday's big return, and he laid some very interesting stuff on me.

Will write about more fully in the paper Friday, but this is too good to hold so here we go.

First, he disputes some story making the rounds on the Internets that the show'll pick up five-or-whatever weeks (or years) in the future; in fact, he says, it picks up right were we left off last winter:

"We pick up almost immediately," he says, while adding that Edie - Nicollette Sheridan, natch - "who's recovering emotionally after being dumped by Carlos is going to do something fairly shocking involving the husband of another woman; this will lead to fury against Edie unlike anything we've ever seen...leading to a shocking conclusion to her time on Wisteria Lane."

Yes, friends. You read those last words correctly, we repeat: "leading to a shocking conclusion to her time on Wisteria Lane."

So, does this appear Sheridan is about to become one of the first core cast-members - one of the true card-carrying desperate housewives - to depart our happy little family?

It would seem to read that way, wouldn't it?

I press Marc on this question: "I like to shake things up in my neighborhood..."

Oh yeah. Anyway, this would also appear to reverse some of Sheridan's own declarations about her future on Wisteria.

He says all this takes place in the season's penultimate episode (seven to go); the two hour finale wraps the Katherine Mayfair storyline - and I DO think the casting of Dana Delany on "DH" this season was one of the stand-out decisions on TV anywhere this year.

Meanwhile, Marc says he's standing by an earlier decision he made - that he'll walk away from "DH" after seven years, and will wrap the show accordingly by then. Does, ahhh, ABC know about this? His answer...this Friday.

Charlton Heston, the towering actor who died Saturday, was of course best-known for his film portrayals, ranging from Moses in "The Ten Commandments" to a simian-imprisoned astronaut in "Planet of the Apes."

But later in his career, when the movie gigs began drying up, Heston turned to TV, notably a stint on the "Dynasty" spinoff, "The Colbys," where he played millionaire businessman Jason Colby. Here's a clip from one of that 1985-87 series' most dramatic scenes, in which it's revealed that Jason is actually the father of Jeff Colby (John James, son of legendary New York morning deejay Herb Oscar Anderson).

Sure it's been eighty years in TV time since KLG's been on the tube (one year in real time is eight in TV time), but it seems like it's only been fifty. And it looks like she's barely aged thirty TV years. Maybe twenty. She looked great (though really, what was she supposed to look like?)

Missed it? Ok, the quick wrap: KLG and new co-host, Hoda Kotb, sit outdoors at R Plaza, with driveby appearances from Harvey Fierstein and anti-gravity guys (the Blue Man Group to the anti-gravity crowd, I suppose.) The ladies sit. The ladies chatter. You know, the usual - what movies they saw, like "Leatherhead" (KLG produces Frank's old helmet), plus dutiful sad comments about Charlton Heston, then a gift basket is brought out (tequila, hand sanitizer, yuk yuk). Hoda puts on Reeg mask, and then we learn "three things" the new co-hosts don't know about each other. (No, KLG was NOT almost a "Charlie's Angel.) An NYPD van roars by. Lotsa noise. "Excuse me," bellows KLG, "I'm making my debut."

All in all, what's not to like if you like KLG - or conversely, what WAS there to like if you already don't?

But sitting here, watching yet another morning show doing yet another how-I-lost-[name a weight north of 100 pounds] story, the mind starts to wander, adrift in a gauzy dreamland of deep thoughts about KLG and the meaning of her once-aborted, now-restarted career:

Here's one of those thoughts - that this show is a direct rip-of "Live with Reeg and KL." A near-perfect clone. Maybe Gelman should've turned up to congratulate the new-comers on their skillful if ill-disguised larceny. (But "Live!" ripped off "The Today Show," so maybe all the fourth hour of "Today Show" is doing here is ripping off "The Today Show.")

Second, KLG here seems like a bigger, and far more substantial personality than her on-screen helpmate.

Now...there's a bunch of words I never ever expected to string together in my entire life.

But it's true. Kotb's a perfectly fine and pleasant TV personality - though perhaps prone to being a little overly pleasant and accommodating. KLG always worked best when her co (Reeg!) was a file who sawed away at her many rough and occasionally profoundly irritating edges. That made her a "real" person on the one-dimensional TV screen,and a real person who learned that to laugh at oneself on TV is a pretty good longterm strategy; KLG, in other words, became her own best material.

That's why KLG needed Reeg far more than he needed her, and why "Live" has thrived for nearly a decade in her absence. Will KLG attract viewers to this moribund hour? Will Kotb become a genuine foil? Is there enough material to fill a fourth hour of "T" when the first three have already picked the low-hanging stuff?

Questions that - day one, hour one - would already appear to have answers.

Some of you may remember this name - Will Spens. He was a longtime reporter/anchor, with Ch. 2 and 7, and probably a bunch of others (and radio), before heading west. He was killed in a car accident last Tuesday; (it took days, per one report, to locate his closest living relative.) here's the story from the Ventura County Star, and as soon as I can find a pix of Spens, will post.

This is amusing, and not particularly something of the big-deal variety, but worth noting if you (like me) are just catching up to it: John McCain appeared live at the top of "Nightly" on Friday for a Brian Williams interview at the Lorraine Motel, but as the candidate and anchorman found out, no sense in holding a live interview on the 40th anniversary of the Martin Luther King Jr. assassination at the scene of the crime. Here's what happened:

Williams later apologized on his blog, and they got to a quieter place for the 7 p.m. feed (and thanks to TVnewers for gathering the string on all of this):

"On the first feed of the broadcast tonight, a promised candlelight vigil became a series of hyper-amplified speeches, 50 yards behind us while we were on live television...Because I was at the center of it, and I could not know how bad a viewing experience it was, I did not know to apologize while it was happening — The McCain folks are angry, justifiably so. So are we."

Today marks the 40th anniversary of the murder of Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. in Memphis.

Here's how the tragedy was covered the night of April 4, 1968 by Walter Cronkite on "The CBS Evening News." This was how many Americans first heard the news in those primitive, pre-Internet, pre-cable news days. And as always, Cronkite did a comprehensive, professional job.

The people at "The Office" need help! The people at NBC need help! They've gone ahead and ordered a spinoff of the show and - as best as the press could tell - don't have the slightest damn idea what it's going to be about.

Or do they? Some unnamed source - not saying who - got a copy of this top-secret memo from Ben Silverman, which he/she has sent to my colleague Andy Edelstein and me. Personally, I think some of these ideas are idiotic - others, not so bad. You be the judge.

MEMO: To Jeff Zucker, Greg Daniels, et al.

RE: Office Spin-Off

FROM: Silverman

We need a plan, gang. Need it fast.Super Bowl's fast approaching. I've cooked up these thoughts for a spin-off. Need reax pronto. B.S.

"Dwight Schrute: The Beet Generation:" It turns out that Dwight's twin brother WASN'T reabsorbed in the wound, but was actually born, grew up, and lived in the farmhouse antic. He's a weirder version of Dwight - watches re-runs of "Good Times!" over and over - and his name is Dwight too. Anyway, Dwight returns to run the farm full time with Dwight and Moses; they grow beets and pot.

"Jan's Plan:" After the lawsuit, etc. Jan moves out - the thing with Michael just wasn't gonna work out and she needed to restart her life. She moves to Altoona to start her own paper company - direct competitor to Dunder Mifflin - and many hilarious scenes whereby Jan and Michael compete, eventually get back together again, etc. Endless cross-promotion/product placement possibilities.

"Michael: After Dark:" With his love life back in the toilet, Michael's a swinging bachelor again. This spin-off explores what he does at night - hitting Scranton's many hot-spots, occasionally getting to Altoona where he runs into Jan...

"Touched by an Angela:" Angela's hot! That's right. You heard me. She's hot - a lusty, luscious lovely babe in the after-hours. Plus, she gets pregnant - a shocker! Front page coverage in the NY papers, or at least PA papers, is guaranteed. Angela Lansbury promises to do a cameo. Endless cross-promotion/product placement possibilities.

"Love Booze Cruise:" Captain Jack is back! And this time, they're having a rockin' great time on Lake Wallenpaupak, where the booze runs freely and so does the love. Michael and gang return for another office party and...Sorry, not sure where this goes from here.

"Andy and Angela:" You've always wanted to know "what if...?" What IF Andy and Angela "get it on." What IF they're a couple. Here's the show! They get married, have a nice home life, have baby ("little Andy"), start new jobs in different offices...HILL-arious situational comedy ensues. Endless cross-promotion/product placement possibilities.

"Missus...Missuss Jones:" Rashida Jones is back. She's the manager of a new office paper supply company in Scranton, and does everything in her power to scuttle the Jim/Pam thing. (Plus, I think R's tight with Foo Fighters, Maroon 5 in real life - cameos! cameos! cameos!) Plus, Endless cross-promotion/product placement possibilities.

"Creed:" Agreed, it's a tough sell to advertisers. We do a whole show based on Creed! There's so much possibility here. Who really is Creed? What does he do in his off-hours? Does he really live in Toronto (so he can stay on the dole in the Canada?) What really happened to his missing toe? Did he really run cults? Has he been in jail? There are many possibilities here, though still working out love interest angle . (Meredith? Not sure. Just spit-balling here. Open to ideas) Plus have already talked with Creed Bratton's agent; think we can get him cheap. Endless cross-promotion/product placement possibilities.

[Note to reader: We can't vouch for authenticity of this memo; may be another one of those hoaxes that are perpetrated on the Internets. But we had to share anyway.]

Interesting development in "Smallville" that I can't imagine bodes well: longtime production team Alfred Gough and Miles Millar are leaving. They've posted an open letter to fans - unusual, very unusual - to say goodbye, but offer no reasons for the exit. (Usual suspects? Money? Budget cuts? Network meddling?...Your guess is as..etc.)

Meanwhile, from the Department of No Surprise: Fox has just announced that the durable, still amusing and still popular "King of the Hill" has been re-upped for a 13th season.

They're at it again, those never-say-die "J" fans - peppering the press with heartfelt pleas to save their show, and I've done everything in my power to ignore them. But uncle! You win, but here's a suggestion - try someone besides the press this time. I got this nice email from a lady in NJ who's doubtless sent it to a million other of her close "J" friends, but she's got some info in that may be helpful; plus, she's got a phone number. Give a call... Plus, as soon as Carol Barbee lands this show - which is possible, though expect a HUGE budget cut from the dough CBS was shelling out to her, and which could mean a substantial change in "J" (though probably worth living with) - then you'll be the first to hear. Here's Julie's email - calls, no nuts:

"My family and I are fans of "Jericho," and we're disappointed that CBS has opted not to continue the series. We were encouraged, however, to hear that Executive Producer Carol Barbee has been shopping the show to other networks, and at least two (Sci Fi and CW) have expressed interest. "Jericho" fans have come together, once again, to support Ms. Barbee's efforts through a letter-writing campaign.

If you find this worth a mention, you can find more information by contacting Julie Horton (864-313-8018 or press@jerichonet2.com ) or visiting http://www.jerichonet2.com "

.

Anyone who watched last night's repeat of "The Office" may have wondered about that "in memoriam" video that closed out the show (I missed it, but thanks to Reelpopblog for pointing out.)

It features a young kid at the piano, playing the show's theme song. Who was it? Nathan Alden Robinson, 15, and no one connected with the show - just another loyal fan. He played the theme, posted it on YouTube and then (somehow) the clip came to the attention of producers after his death from flu complications. Here's his obit in the Boston Globe, and the clip.

I got some calls from some trully engaged readers (thanks truly engaged readers!) about this blog item I posted a few hours ago about Dr. Evil.

The question was: If Simon Fuller's Dr. Evil, then who's Mini Me? Who's Goldmember? Scott? And so on. (If the show we were talking about was "Dancing with the Stars," then Carrie Ann Inaba would be Fook Yu because that's who she played in the movie.) Anyway, this got me to thinking...

And thinking. I'm just spitballing here, but Foxxy Cleopatra is Paula, and Number 2 is Randy. Austin Powers is probably - let's say for argument's sake - Ryan. (I know it's a stretch, but just play along.)

Finally, Mini Me: Simon.

Also today, I see that Jay-Z got a huge contract, and all this talk about Foxxy (Beyonce, of course, and soon Mrs. Z) and Dr. Evil got me to thinking some more about Austin and Mini Me. So, take it away, YouTube:

If you didn't know already, "20/20's" tackling the John White case, tomorrow at 10 (WABC/7) AND has what ABC is billing as an exclusive interview with White, by Elizabeth Vargas. No details yet, but here's the excerpt from the press release:

"It started as an e-mail hoax, turned into a confrontation between two young men just out of high school and resulted in a white teenager shot dead and a black family man accused of murder. In his first interview since the fatal incident, John White speaks exclusively to Elizabeth Vargas about firing his pistol at close range, killing 17-year-old Dano Cicciaro, in the usually tranquil Long Island, NY town. White walks Vargas through the crime scene and tells his side of the tragic story. “They were doing it, they were acting like a lynch mob. That’s how they acted… calling for my son. When someone wakes you up in the middle of the night you go into a defensive mode, that’s what I did,” he tells Vargas. “Never meant to shoot that young man.”

One of our favorite '70s icons has a birthday today.

To celebrate the 64th birthday of the man born Michael Orlando Cassivitis, here's a great clip from his awesome variety show, "Tony Orlando & Dawn." Of course, Tony and the girls are singing "Tie a Yellow Ribbon (Round the Old Oak Tree").

So I'm sitting here thinking that the top "Idol" producers now have the show right where they want it. Their truly devious and brilliant plot has unfolded almost PERFECTLY and according to plan. And no one - 'cept for a few million buzz-gnat bloggers - have noticed.

Ah yes, they are saying (gleefully rubbing their hands) we have done it! No more lightweight amatuers in THIS competition - the professionals and nearly-professionals have taken over. Any of THESE will understand how to sell a record, get radio play, work the press, handle promotion, go on tour, and do all the myriad other little things that a pro must do - most importantly make Dr. Evil (Simon Fuller, of Planet 19 Entertainment who's really pulling the strings here) happy.

"Yes, we've done it: We're not gonna get stuck with another Jordin Sparks THIS year! "

The final four are emerging. With the dull Ramiele gone, that leaves Kristy Lee, Brooke and Syesha in the way; but they won't be here long. Oh yeah, sure - Kristy's one of the pro plants this season, but she hasn't quite worked out as we planned (says the "Idol" brain trust to themselves, not rubbing their hands for the moment.) That's OK. She'll be gone soon - if those gnats at votefortheworst.com don't keep getting her back each week. Syesha (they add) has hung around a little longer than planned - but that should be remedied shortly. Yes, she was a clever girl the other night - trying that Whitney Houston song and pretty much pulling it off. Curses! (they say). Why didn't she shatter that high C like a piece of cheap china?

What about that Brooke White (they say)? Another clever one - she's played that cornfed act masterfully, and the suckers have bought it! Aw shucks, lil' ol Brookie - so nice, and sweet. Has made everyone forget - she can't really sing.

They'll all be broomed out shortly, though (Dreadlock Boy too), and by May sweeps, we'll have our four: Archie, Michael, Carly and David. (Yes, David - he's a surprise, isn't he? We certainly didn't count on him - but just like Daughtry, he's a masterful mimic of the pros; we can work with someone THIS smart.)

Yes (they say, rubbing their hands again). We've done it. It's genius - pure geeeenius. Whoever wins the final four should be able to sell some records - even Carly, now that she's had the world's most popular show helping her.

Dr. Evil will veeerrry happy.

[Note to readers: When will we all just realize that "American Idol" isn't about finding the best amateur singer? It's about finding the person who can sell the most records for Sony/BMG, Simon Fuller and all the other license holders of this program?]

It's here! It's here! I'm so excited my fingers are stumbling over themselves just to get you the news about NBC's spanking brand new fall schedule.

It's kinda early, isn't it? Yes, it's kinda early.

Good news: It won't be wall-to-wall "Deal or No Deal" (at least yet; wait till some newcomers flop, then...)

And the big development: There'll be a spin-off of "The Office," to debut after the Super Bowl. And also kinda big development: There's an "SNL" spin-off, called "Thursday Night Live," that'll air...umm, guess when. The rest of the stuff has already leaked out in the trades.

Herewith details about the new shows, straight from the NBC press release:

The roll-out of NBC's 52-week lineup begins in the Fall, as the debuting drama series "My Own Worst Enemy," starring Christian Slater, joins "Chuck" and "Heroes" on NBC's Monday lineup; "Kath & Kim," a new comedy starring Molly Shannon and Selma Blair, based on the hit Australian series, teams with "The Biggest Loser: Families" on Tuesdays; and on Wednesdays, "Knight Rider" goes to series, building on the success of last February's "Knight Rider" movie, the highest-rated movie telecast on any network in three years in adults 18-49. The mid-season dramedy "Lipstick Jungle" will return in the Fall, also on Wednesdays. Drama series "Crusoe," the hit game show "Deal or No Deal" and "Life" are scheduled to join NBC's Fall Friday lineup. In addition, NBC will introduce "SNL Thursday Night Live," which will share time on Thursdays with "The Office" at 9:30-10 p.m. (ET).

Through the winter months, NBC plans to add to its Sunday lineup "Kings," (starring Golden Globe winner Ian McShane) the ambitious new drama from the producer of "Heroes," along with the returning drama "Medium" and the exciting fantasy series "Merlin." On Mondays, NBC adds "The Philanthropist," a drama concerning a renegade billionaire who uses his wealth to help people. Tuesdays introduces a brand new cycle of "The Biggest Loser: Couples." "Law & Order" returns to Wednesdays for the series unparalleled 19th season. On Thursdays, comedy reigns with the addition of a new series spinning off the NBC hit "The Office." "The Celebrity Apprentice" returns in its popular new format on Thursdays. Sundays will be highlighted by special events, including the "66th Annual Golden Globe Awards," the four-hour miniseries "The Last Templar" (starring Oscar winner Mira Sorvino) and "XIII" (starring Val Kilmer and Stephen Dorff).

(Above, Chris Slater has new NBC series; will dear boy behave and not embarrass network?)

Just in time for the "new season:" "30 Rock" was honored with a Peabody today. (What's a Peabody? A high-fallutin' award given out by the U of Georgia, and they try to honor shows, docs and what-not that are good. Can't say I know a lot more...but they're worth getting.)

Anyway, whatever this award is, it was RICHLY deserved, as award bestowers like to say. A bunch of other worthies got a nod too, like "Mad Men," and "The Colbert Report," and so on. Here's the full list.

Am I surprised at this award? Of course not. The show's been lauded from here to Tonga (where Tina Fey was made an honorary queen...kidding). Plus, there was last year's Emmy. The Nobel Peace Prize is next.

Well, wheee doggies, as Jed Clampett might've said, today marks the 100th anniversary of Buddy Ebsen's birth.

He had a long show-biz career (Barnaby Jones, anyone?), but we'll always love him best as the patriarch of the family that packed up and moved to Bever-ley.

Don't worry, he's apparently fine...but David Cook went to the hospital last night after his "Little Sparrow" moment (quite good, I thought, as usual.) He said he had heart palpitations - which, of course, could be a sign of something serious - and so off he went. For complete coverage of Tuesday's American Idol, click here

TMZ first reported this, and People got the update, and here it is: "American Idol contestant David Cook was hospitalized after Tuesday night’s live show when he felt heart palpitations, a source confirms.Cook was treated for high blood pressure and released back to the Idol apartments where he was 'doing fine,' the source says."

Yeah, this is bizarre (and hasn't Cook had some sort of problem before? Will check...) The guy's terrific - my own personal front-runner - and the pressure-cooker of this comp has got to be overwhelming at times. But he's been pretty consistent on stage - consistently good, that is.

Also note: Last night, he gave credit again to Chris Cornell for last week's version of "Billy Jean." My assumption is that Cook heard some of the blowback in the wake of last week (some fans didn't think Cornell got enough credit, and I was hard-pressed to tell whether he got any.) Cornell later went on the record to say he was a little put off too.

Why is Cook's condition such a big deal? Simply because HE is: The judges (Randy, Si, Paula) have treated him like he's in a different league, and in fact he is. Here's Cowell on Cook in last week's "EW:" I've got to tell you, watching it back, this performance he did on 'Billie Jean,' in my opinion, was in a different league to anything we've heard on the season so far. It was so much better, he kind of made some of the other performances seem ridiculous."

One doesn't often hear Simon Cowell say such things about anybody. Yes, there have been very mini-controversies - the Cornell one, for example which also drew a lot of attention/commentary to TV Zone but I haven't heard anyone yet say he can't hold a note or lacks discernible talent; of the latter, he's abundantly endowed.

Meanwhile, TMZ says Cook was urged to go to the hospital during the show - he declined - and has been under high stress because of his brother, suffering from cancer.

And, here's the TMZ report, with additional details about last night.

Pretty funny walk-on on "Late Show with David Letterman" last night by John McCain. Dave starts off the show with a battery of old guy jokes about McCain ("he looks like the kind of guy who has wiry hair growing out of new places...the kinda guy who goes into town to buy turpentine...") and then McCain walks out and delivers as good as he gets. Why tell you, though. (It all gets lost in the translation.) Here's the clip, gratis CBS:

This is too bad, insofar as I liked the Goot - Steve Guttenberg: Liked his style, sense of fun, and overall grace. But...well...ummm...the salad mixing bowl. I'm fairly certain that wearing a salad mixing bowl on this particular national TV show is not a way to win.

Whatever. Who cares. Salad. Bowls. Mixing. He got tossed (groan) off tonight, and that's that. Still surprised. I figured he'd be around a while. Here's the non-winning performance from Tuesday, salad bowl and all. (And if you don't care to watch again - understood - on Tuesday he puts on the salad bowl, to deflect flak from the judges...)

To celebrate April Fool's Day, we thought we'd recall one of the most "foolish" songs of all time.

We speak of course of "Why Do Fools Fall In Love," performed by the legendary Frankie Lymon and the Teenagers. Check out this rare clip from 1956 that originally aired live on "The Frankie Laine Show."

It's hard to believe that Frankie -- Lymon that is -- died 40 years ago this February of a drug overdose. He was just 26.

You know I'd just LOVE to sit here and bang out some blog item about how swell last night's "DWTS" was, but when you realize that quite possibly the only interesting contestant was Adam Carolla, then you know we've got serious problems.

What is it about "DWTS" this season? Is it just me - a crank, in the best of circumstances - or does it all feel so pat and tired and old, very old. I feel older just watching it.

This is not the way "Dancing with the Stars" is supposed to be. There should be some drama, and bountiful silliness, a fainting spell or two. But everyone just seems to be going through the steps. Case in point: Kristi Yamaguchi, who is so good that this competition, such as it is, ended the first night. She's pure talent and has so much polish and skill and is so ridiculously over-qualified for this thing that it feels, or rather is, lop-sided beyond belief.

If she loses - and of course she will - it will merely reaffirm the notion, already well-established, that women can't win this show (and haven't since after the first season.) Yet last night? She was fine, but boring - terribly boring. Got nines. Big deal. Who cares. She's a pro.

The other contestants? I can't even muster enough enthusiasm to babble about them this morning; it's your job. I haven't the heart.

And by the way, this isn't an April Fool's joke.

Come on, "DWTS." Wake up. Get some fire in yer belly. Pretend this is exciting and a competition. It shouldn't be THAT hard.

Kathie Lee Gifford - the newly minted host of "The Today Show's" fourth hour - and Rosie O'Donnell engaged in a wild street melee in midtown Manhattan last night, as both traded blows over an argument that began in a restaurant then spilled out into the street, horrifying tourists and elderly ladies who had lined up to see Patti LuPone in the new version of "Gypsy."

Sources at Midtown North - where both were arraigned shortly after 8 p.m. - said both women had gone to John's Pizzeria to discuss KLG's new job and while the argument had begun innocently enough - Rosie, they say, insisted on anchovies while KLG had wanted pepperoni - it soon escalated to personal insults, followed by physical altercations.

Sources at the restaurant said Rosie had told her (apparently) former friend that "she couldn't host a talk show if the very Gods in heaven ordained it." Sources add that Rosie also cast aspersions on "The Today Show" cast, calling Matt Lauer "baldy boy" and Al Roker "tubby."

"Who are YOU to call someone TUBBY," KLG roared, and with that, the women began throwing pizza slices at each other. The argument then spilled into the street, where blows where traded. Police quickly arrived on the scene, though one officer was overheard to say, "here we go again. Let 'em fight it out this time..." One woman said, "why pay a hundred bucks to see 'Gypsy' when the best show is right here?"

The police did in fact break up the fight after several minutes. At the arraignment last night, the judge set bail for $1 million each, calling both talk show hosts a "menace to society AND flight risks."

Through her spokeswoman, KLG said, "it was a fun disagreement and we remain the best of friends." A spokesperson for Ms. O'Donnell said the former talk show host would have no comment, pending consultation with her lawyer.

(Happy April Fool's!)